Please Help, I have nothing left

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

First of all thank you to anyone who reads this and has any advice to give, I'm warning you now my situation is complicated and bizarre.  I've posted here before and basically I believe that my undiagnosed BPD Husband is delusional.  About 6-8 months ago he developed what I believe to be delusional parasitosis (he believes that he is infested/infected with bugs/parasites). Were college students so basically poor, and to top that I am our sole financial provider. I go to school full time and work full time and basically do EVERYTHING else. We don't currently have health insurance, trying to get on state insurance but it is a long and drawn out process. Now here is the bizarre part, in the past 3-4 months he has been having delusions that I -scream out other guys names in my sleep, that I constantly masturbate in my sleep while screaming out other guys names, that I have wasted ALL of our money on drugs, that I have been having an affair with some guy named Lee that he use to know like 20 years ago. ? Basically every night he continually wakes me up all upset and hysterical yelling at me that I am touching myself, yelling names out, and saying a bunch of other perverse things. He says I do this all night long nonstop and he is convinced that I am a drug addict who makes my money by sleeping with other men. So ya, I hardly get any sleep and he is in such denial that he places recorders/cameras around the house to "catch" me doing things and plays back the recordings as "proof", but when he plays the recordings they are silent, nothing is on them, or they have the background noise of the TV or AC. But when he plays them he starts yelling and crying saying "see do you hear that you [bad name] [bad name] etc." 

I know that I am not doing those things in my sleep because half the time I am just laying there pretending to sleep because my anxiety over the situation has caused me to develop insomnia. It is also impossible that I am screaming in my sleep for 8 hours and not noticing, and the recordings have nothing on them. He is beyond denial and I am seriously considering having him forcefully committed. I am at the end of my rope with this situation and I am stuck because we have racked up so much debt because he hasn't worked in over a year and I know that if I kick him out/leave him he will commit suicide (there is no doubt in my mind). I have no one to talk to about any of this and he refuses to get a Psych evaluation, I gave him the choice of getting a psych eval. or divorce and he choose divorce. I could go on for days but that is the jest of it, I'm just afraid that if I have him committed he will convince the doctors that he is fine and i am the crazy one, he is very manipulative and convincing. All of his friends and family think that I am the worst person in the world because of the lies and slander he has told them and I can't help but think why do I keep sacrificing myself for this person who at this point in our lives brings nothing positive to our relationship.

[pale-blue-eyes]

First of all thank you to anyone who reads this and has any advice to give, I'm warning you now my situation is complicated and bizarre.  I've posted here before and basically I believe that my undiagnosed BPD Husband is delusional.  About 6-8 months ago he developed what I believe to be delusional parasitosis (he believes that he is infested/infected with bugs/parasites). Were college students so basically poor, and to top that I am our sole financial provider. I go to school full time and work full time and basically do EVERYTHING else. We don't currently have health insurance, trying to get on state insurance but it is a long and drawn out process. Now here is the bizarre part, in the past 3-4 months he has been having delusions that I -scream out other guys names in my sleep, that I constantly masturbate in my sleep while screaming out other guys names, that I have wasted ALL of our money on drugs, that I have been having an affair with some guy named Lee that he use to know like 20 years ago. ? Basically every night he continually wakes me up all upset and hysterical yelling at me that I am touching myself, yelling names out, and saying a bunch of other perverse things. He says I do this all night long nonstop and he is convinced that I am a drug addict who makes my money by sleeping with other men. So ya, I hardly get any sleep and he is in such denial that he places recorders/cameras around the house to "catch" me doing things and plays back the recordings as "proof", but when he plays the recordings they are silent, nothing is on them, or they have the background noise of the TV or AC. But when he plays them he starts yelling and crying saying "see do you hear that you [bad name] [bad name] etc." 

I know that I am not doing those things in my sleep because half the time I am just laying there pretending to sleep because my anxiety over the situation has caused me to develop insomnia. It is also impossible that I am screaming in my sleep for 8 hours and not noticing, and the recordings have nothing on them. He is beyond denial and I am seriously considering having him forcefully committed. I am at the end of my rope with this situation and I am stuck because we have racked up so much debt because he hasn't worked in over a year and I know that if I kick him out/leave him he will commit suicide (there is no doubt in my mind). I have no one to talk to about any of this and he refuses to get a Psych evaluation, I gave him the choice of getting a psych eval. or divorce and he choose divorce. I could go on for days but that is the jest of it, I'm just afraid that if I have him committed he will convince the doctors that he is fine and i am the crazy one, he is very manipulative and convincing. All of his friends and family think that I am the worst person in the world because of the lies and slander he has told them and I can't help but think why do I keep sacrificing myself for this person who at this point in our lives brings nothing positive to our relationship.

[SadWifeofBPD]

oh my goodness!

I think he has more than BPD. 

Well, you gave him a choice and he chose divorce.  How do you feel about that?  Can you follow thru? 

<<

I know that if I kick him out/leave him he will commit suicide

>>

I used to worry about that, too.  If you think he's a danger to himself, then you probably can have him admitted for evaluaton for (I think) 72 hours. 

My sister, a T, has told me that I can't let "that fear" control me.  So, now I carry on as needed.  If H were to commit suicide, then I know that I can't stop it really.  I let his T know when he's suicidal and she talks to him.  Otherwise, I'd have him committed for eval.  Don't know where you live, but in many US states, you can have someone evaluated if you believe that they are a danger to themselves or others. 

[pale-blue-eyes]

Honestly, right now I don't think I could go through with a divorce. I don't think I could continue to work and go to school full time and have the added stress of dealing with that right now. I know everyone around me thinks I'm completely stupid for staying and I have basically just stopped talking about my relationship to others and just lie.

I don't think anyone else realizes his situation, I tried confiding in his best friend thinking he could help me and that backfired he told my H that I called his doctor and made up lies etc. He basically believes my H's BS. He doesn't really have any other friends he has severed his relationships, which he of course blames all on me, and his mother is also a UpwBPD so his family ties are basically non existent. I just feel like I need to tell someone else like his sister or something, I can't knowingly leave/have him leave knowing what he might do. Like I said no one else knows the extent of his illness, but if I tell anyone in his family I know he will never trust me again, not that he does now, but it would be a huge issue I would have to deal with forever.

[dotSlash]

I'm just afraid that if I have him committed he will convince the doctors that he is fine and i am the crazy one, he is very manipulative and convincing. All of his friends and family think that I am the worst person in the world because of the lies and slander he has told them

I have these thoughts on a weekly basis... you're not alone.

If this is a constant affliction to your life, I would record some of his behavior and use it to get him committed. You need to think about your own personal mental and physical health, both of which seem to be suffering

[MammaMia]

Blue eyes

Do you fear for YOUR safety?  Your H is obviously very sick.  I almost wonder if he is paranoid schizophrenic.  Since he is undiagnosed, it is hard to know for sure.  He may also have BPD traits.

Your life is a living hell.  How much longer do you believe you can live this way? I would highly recommend a 72 hr hold and psych eval as soon as possible.  If you are not able to get him to a hospital voluntarily, call 911 and have the police escort him to the nearest ER. Meet them there and speak to a doctor about what is going on.  Be honest.  :)o not sugar-coat anything.

Please do something.  :)o you have family or friends where you can stay if need be?  You cannot handle this alone and need the hands-on support of others.

Mental illness is devastating to everyone, but in your H's case he will not get better without an intervention.  Please think about it.

We at BPDF are here for you.  Please know we want to help in any way we can but you must involve people who can help in your immediate vicinity.  

[SadWifeofBPD]

I'm just afraid that if I have him committed he will convince the doctors that he is fine and i am the crazy one, he is very manipulative and convincing.

It's pretty hard to hide a PD.  These folks are experts.  They may not Dx him with the right PD, but they'll likely know that something is very wrong with him. 

When my H went into rehab, he did paint himself as a victim of his meal old wife.  But, his P and T still Dx'd him with a PD (the wrong PD, but still a PD). 

All of his friends and family think that I am the worst person in the world because of the lies and slander he has told them

now, are you saying that these friends have said these things to YOU... . or are you hearing this from your H?

My H liked to say that everyone hated me.  In truth, only his PD brother hates me.  When H was staying with his brother while in rehab, I emailed H to tell him that our dog had died.  His brother intercepted the email and told my H that I was lying.  (H knew I was telling the truth.)  It wasn't until his brother saw the Facebook pics of my son and I burying our dog that his brother finally believed me.  So, yes, I do know how spouses can convince siblings and friends that their spouse is evil, worst person on earth, etc.

However, T's are trained to know that they're only hearing half the story... . and that they're hearing things out of context... . and they're sometimes hearing outright lies. 

[maxsterling]

To me this sounds like a very serious and potentially dangerous situation - I'd quit focusing on the what ifs right now and take whatever action you need to protect yourself.  I think it is also important to document as much as possible.  I'd not worry about what his friend or family think - get in contact with mental professionals and possibly the nearest mental hospital and ask their advice.  I just wouldn't trust a person who is making those kind of delusional claims for anything.

[Surnia]

Hi blue eyes

This is horrible! I would be despaired too!

I can only underline what MammaMia said.

Your h is in a actual crisis. I have concerns for your safety too.

Please stay in contact, we care about you. 

[Scout99]

I too agree with mamma Mia, maxsterling and Surnia on this. This is a crisis situation and it is not a safe situation for you.

I cannot say if he has schizofrenia or not, since we cannot make any diagnoses here. But his delusional behavior suggests a pre psychotic behavior at least. And if that goes into full psychosis then he may become dangerous for you, since to him the delusions are real.

I went through a similar situation with a former ex of mine. Normally a very stable and nice guy. But a few years after we separated and we were still friends he started reaching out to me since he had begun to believe the neighbors living under his apartment was trying to kill him by injecting micro wave radiation through the floor of his apartment?

I of course was in chock to hear this, so I agreed to meet with him and he had with him this folder with a lot of material on micro waves he had googled and was completely convinced he was on some kind of black list and was going to get killed. He also had sound recordings with just noise on them but where he heard voices saying things like people plotting to kill him. But there was nothing on them... . Nothing! But he genuinely feared for his life! And there was nothing I could say or do to change that... .

Naturally I called every one I knew in the psychiatric field and they all of course said I should make him seek help, and also warned me about trying to help him. But of course he refused any such thing, because to him this was real!

Now I too was warned he could become dangerous and my friend who is a psychiatrist told me this was a pre psychotic behavior... .

Not knowing what to do I let him move in with me for a few weeks, (basically since this was not in any way pointed towards me... . In his eyes I was his ally... . I also had known him for 15 years so I pretty much knew there was not a violent bone in his body. But yes - I took a big risk! And our situation was not at all as yours. Since in your case you are the target of his delusions. And that makes this situation potentially very dangerous for you!

In our case I did all the things you are not supposed to, like applying logic to a delusion. But to cut a long story short, that worked. Basically I think because he genuinely trusts me. So I was able to cut through. And the delusions broke. And today he is doing just fine. This episode happened about four years ago. What I want to say with that is that if you can get your guy to some help - even if it means going behind his back or drag him there kicking and screaming. There is help to get for psychotic episodes!

So don't be afraid to do that. You will be able to state your case to a doctor, and they are experts at detecting these things so there is no way he will be able to fool any doctor!

Now, our focus here is you! You need to take care of you in this situation. When I was in all this, I made sure all my friends, and family that I can trust, were informed of the situation I was in, making sure I could get help fast if necessary. You need to mobilize your safety net too now. Do you have somewhere you can go if you need to get out? Or even to just get a few good nights sleep to help you think better. It could also be a good thing to remove yourself from the scene for a bit, since you are somewhat of a trigger to his delusions... . Maybe his delusions will break if he too could get a few nights sleep alone?

Now I don't live in your country, (I guess maybe wrongly that you are American), but are there not any support groups or hotline numbers you can call if you are in a crisis situation and a partner is beginning to show signs of psychosis? I can't stress out enough that you need help! You are both in college? Are there not any crisis centers there that can help?

Also this situation is dangerous for your partner. If this indeed is the beginning of a psychosis, time is of importance. The wounds from a full blown psychosis can be big and hard to heal from. So the faster he can get help the better! Also if he gets help chances are great that he can fully recover!

Boy!  Wish I could be there for you girl! This is a serious situation... . One that we as partners just can't be expected to handle on our own... .

Make sure you keep in touch here! We all care about you! And we want to help!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[momtara]

Can you make an apt with a psychiatrist or talk to a crisis counselor at the psych ward of the local hospital about what's been going on?  I did the latter many years ago when my mom started becoming delusional.  The guy talked to me for free.  Some counties have a mobile crisis unit that will come out and talk to someone who is having a delusion.

Take photos of his surveillance cameras, etc.

I agree with the others - sounds like more than BPD.  If he is having delusions and paranoia he should be treated.  You can't force it, usually, but sometimes you can have someone come to your home if he is mid-episode (depending where you are).  Talk to a local hosp or counselor.

[Surnia]

 

How are you doing, pale-blue-eyes?