Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 10, 2025, 12:33:40 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC (Read 483 times)
frustrated b/f
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 147
Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
«
on:
August 21, 2013, 04:16:17 PM »
I've been following the advice about leaving a BPD partner; No Contact, non-confrontational, not arguing my side etc.,
She text to meet for lunch, I agree (been feeling bad about the sudden NC), and meet her. She's began with an extremely loaded question (as usual), Whats up with you?
Long story short, I was painted black the entire time, never cared for her, I'm never there for her, she can't depend on me to help, I didn't' check to see if she was alright, and no-one EVER has her back while she constantly has everyone else's . . .
It was like having an out-of-body experience by the way I readily identified and stayed away from her traps. I could clearly see how we normally get bogged down in sub-arguments, and sub-sub-arguments.
Not this time! I was not participating!
It ended by me telling her that I've been extremely angry with the state of our relationship and have been avoiding taking it out on her
Logged
maxsterling
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2779
Re: Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
«
Reply #1 on:
August 21, 2013, 04:51:22 PM »
That's the madness in this, and that is why NC is about the only way to protect yourself from emotional hurt or accusations. I was basically NC with my girlfriend for a few days after she raged and hit me. And through limited contact, I thought she may be suicidal, so I invited her over for dinner just so that she wasn't alone. She was afraid to come over, she said, because she thought I was going to break up with her. I agreed that we would not talk about the relationship or what happened. We hung out the next few evenings, where she continuously expressed how fragile she was, how stressed she was, etc. So I didn't bring up the relationship or what happened. Eventually she brought it up by being mad at me for not talking about it! She said she is tired of carrying the emotional burden of the relationship! It's amazing how quickly they turn all this back on us, and amazing how easily we buy into it.
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680
Players only love you when they're playing...
Re: Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
«
Reply #2 on:
August 22, 2013, 08:38:52 AM »
Max,
If you worry your ex ? may commit suicide or feels suicidal, it will be a trap to hang out with her as a way to rescue her from that possibility.
Calling 911 if you really think a person is at risk to harm themselves is about the only sane thing you can do.
When you put yourself into the picture, you are confusing her and increasing the likelihood of dysregulation. Are you with her (staying?) or just babysitting her? Your ambivielent presence is likely emotionally excruciating for her.
NC is not meant to be a week of punishment for her bad behavior. If she is a rager, and
your intent is to stay, you can have an understanding that you will leave (take a time out) if she rages, but
will be back or in contact at a certain time. It's to protect you and your boundaries, it's not
to scare her, teach her a lesson or punish her.
NC is usually employed when we decide we have to end this r/s; it is maintained to help
cement your decision and to basically go through withdrawal as these relationship actually have an addictive quality for both involved.
You cannot fix or rescue her. You are either in or you are out. Inviting her for dinner sounds like a date.
If you are out, then it's probably best to let her know that and go NC. If you catch wind that
a person is suicidal, call 911 and have them do a health and safety check. Babysitting her is
pouring gas on a fire. You can't be in a rescue role with her.
BPD is triggered by intimacy and fear of abandonment. Your ambivalent, confusing presence is not safe for either of you.
Logged
Validation78
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 1398
Re: Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
«
Reply #3 on:
August 23, 2013, 07:40:45 AM »
Hi Frustrated!
Conversations like this, after we have decided to leave a relationship, are not uncommon. We have to accept that during the relationship, pwBPD were not able to hear our feelings, and how their behaviors effected us, and now that we have separated, nothing is going to change. The more you engage, the more frustrated you are likely to become. It's very sad, even when confronted with the end of a relationship, that they are not able to see things from our perspective, and are still attempting to put all of the onus on us! It's preciously why many of us have had to go NC in order to get our heads straight and not be pulled in again to the twisted thinking!
Best Wishes,
Val78
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...