Just had lunch w/ uBPD g/f after 10 days NC

[frustrated b/f]

 I've been following  the advice about leaving a BPD partner; No Contact, non-confrontational, not arguing my side etc.,

She text to meet for lunch, I agree (been feeling bad about the sudden NC), and meet her. She's began with an extremely loaded question (as usual), Whats up with you?

Long story short, I was painted black the entire time, never cared for her, I'm never there for her, she can't depend on me to help, I didn't' check to see if she was alright, and no-one EVER has her back while she constantly has everyone else's . . .

It was like having an out-of-body experience by the way I readily identified and stayed away from her traps. I could clearly see how we normally get bogged down in sub-arguments, and sub-sub-arguments. Not this time! I was not participating!

It ended by me telling her that I've been extremely angry with the state of our relationship and have been avoiding taking it out on her

[maxsterling]

That's the madness in this, and that is why NC is about the only way to protect yourself from emotional hurt or accusations.  I was basically NC with my girlfriend for a few days after she raged and hit me.  And through limited contact, I thought she may be suicidal, so I invited her over for dinner just so that she wasn't alone.  She was afraid to come over, she said, because she thought I was going to break up with her.  I agreed that we would not talk about the relationship or what happened.  We hung out the next few evenings, where she continuously expressed how fragile she was, how stressed she was, etc.  So I didn't bring up the relationship or what happened.  Eventually she brought it up by being mad at me for not talking about it!  She said she is tired of carrying the emotional burden of the relationship!  It's amazing how quickly they turn all this back on us, and amazing how easily we buy into it. 

[MaybeSo]

Max,

If you worry your ex ? may commit suicide or feels suicidal, it will be a trap to hang out with her as a way to rescue her from that possibility.

Calling 911 if you really think a person is at risk to harm themselves is about the only sane thing you can do.

When you put yourself into the picture, you are confusing her and increasing the likelihood of dysregulation. Are you with her (staying?) or just babysitting her? Your ambivielent presence is likely emotionally excruciating for her.

NC is not meant to be a week of punishment for her bad behavior. If she is a rager, and

your intent is to stay, you can have an understanding that you will leave (take a time out) if she rages, but

will be back or in contact at a certain time. It's to protect you and your boundaries, it's not

to scare her, teach her a lesson or punish her.

NC is usually employed when we decide we have to end this r/s; it is maintained to help

cement your decision and to basically go through withdrawal as these relationship actually have an addictive quality for both involved.

You cannot fix or rescue her. You are either in or you are out. Inviting her for dinner sounds like a date.

If you are out, then it's probably best to let her know that and go NC. If you catch wind that

a person is suicidal, call 911 and have them do a health and safety check. Babysitting her is

pouring gas on a fire. You can't be in a rescue role with her.

BPD is triggered by intimacy and fear of abandonment. Your ambivalent, confusing presence is not safe for either of you.

[Validation78]

Hi Frustrated!

Conversations like this, after we have decided to leave a relationship, are not uncommon. We have to accept that during the relationship, pwBPD were not able to hear our feelings, and how their behaviors effected us, and now that we have separated, nothing is going to change. The more you engage, the more frustrated you are likely to become. It's very sad, even when confronted with the end of a relationship, that they are not able to see things from our perspective, and are still attempting to put all of the onus on us! It's preciously why many of us have had to go NC in order to get our heads straight and not be pulled in again to the twisted thinking!

Best Wishes,

Val78