Give it back to them

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I finally got it!  Yes indeed!   

Today my BPDex couldn't resist that almighty hit an run text (he textes mean stuff then disappears). after about two months of nothing from him,  I finally received it!  He has done this a thousand times to me and it always goes the same... repetitive methods.  thank you for f'n up my life... blah blah blah ... . yup something like that.  However instead of defending my self from his poisonous daggers that he likes to shoot at me... I just replied; 

i will always care for you, i loved you with all i was... I have forgiven but not forgotten.  I have owned my own mistakes and for those I'm sorry... but, I can't own yours too, those you'll have to keep. .I hope you find internal peace with yourself someday... goodbye, the end.

. I know it's kind of corny, but it's how I feel! 

I can't own his stuff too!  I can't fight his internal battles any more... I'm a positive and happy person and when I was with him, I felt ugly, unwanted, lonely and negative... . I DON'T ANYMORE!  I have peace with in myself, happiness... . and that's how it ends.  Forgiveness, peace and owning our own stuff... . not theirs too... . Give it back to them and say keep YOUR self soothing accusations and blame to yourself... . I'm only owning my own!  Thanks, but no thanks... the end! 

Today I feel stronger than yesterday... that's a good sign 

[Notthesame64]

I finally got it!  Yes indeed!   

Today my BPDex couldn't resist that almighty hit an run text (he textes mean stuff then disappears). after about two months of nothing from him,  I finally received it!  He has done this a thousand times to me and it always goes the same... repetitive methods.  thank you for f'n up my life... blah blah blah ... . yup something like that.  However instead of defending my self from his poisonous daggers that he likes to shoot at me... I just replied; 

i will always care for you, i loved you with all i was... I have forgiven but not forgotten.  I have owned my own mistakes and for those I'm sorry... but, I can't own yours too, those you'll have to keep. .I hope you find internal peace with yourself someday... goodbye, the end.

. I know it's kind of corny, but it's how I feel! 

I can't own his stuff too!  I can't fight his internal battles any more... I'm a positive and happy person and when I was with him, I felt ugly, unwanted, lonely and negative... . I DON'T ANYMORE!  I have peace with in myself, happiness... . and that's how it ends.  Forgiveness, peace and owning our own stuff... . not theirs too... . Give it back to them and say keep YOUR self soothing accusations and blame to yourself... . I'm only owning my own!  Thanks, but no thanks... the end! 

Today I feel stronger than yesterday... that's a good sign 

[seeking balance]

Today I feel stronger than yesterday... that's a good sign 

[Moonie75]

You say this has happened "a thousand times"!

That implies that it usually leads to on going contact or reunion?

Do you expect any reply this time after changing your usual response of the last "thousand times"?

[MammaMia]

Notthesame

Awesome.  

When you hear from him again, and you probably will ... . pwBPD MUST have the last word... .

DO NOT RESPOND.  :)ELETE WHATEVER HE SAYS, BLOCK HIM OR CHANGE YOUR E-MAIL AND/OR FB.  GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE.  

"The End" means exactly what it says.  It is over.  Do not make this yet another game.

[Notthesame64]

Do you expect any reply this time after changing your usual response of the last "thousand times"?

Oh yes he has changed a beat... more have arrive... the famous feel sorry quote sorry I wasn't enuf in ur eyes just hit my phone 10 mins ago.  A email of all his woes are sure to follow... we have been doing this for almost 6 years... every 6 mos the cycle would start. 

And you are right Mammamia, it is a game... a drama game... I have been cutting out drama in my life since this experience and am finding happiness, myself, stress peace with my choices.  And HE  wants to create it... . that's all it is!  A constant tornado reaping havoc on anyone he can... that's why everyone basically ignores him... . his brother, sisters, brother in law... even so called friends.  He's a drama queen... and that's all this is... A self induced putty party with drama as the favor gifts... . and guess who the guest of honor is? 

I soo see this changing for the good! 

[Notthesame64]

DO NOT RESPOND.  DELETE WHATEVER HE SAYS, BLOCK HIM OR CHANGE YOUR E-MAIL AND/OR FB.  GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE. 

Yes and that's what changed 

[willtimeheal]

Way to go notthesame. I received  a message last night from my ex BPD after not hearing from her for over three weeks. The last time she messaged me I told her she had to make a choice she  either wants her new bf or me. She can't have her cake and eat it too. I haven't heard from her since and then last night... . boom. I figured it was coming sooner or later. Summer is almost over and we have to go back to work so she is trying to reel me back in. I did find out she has been out west for the last three weeks. I find it amusing how when we wen  on vacation she had no money to pay for anything but yet again this summer she had enough money to flew across the country and stay there for three weeks. I have to say getting her message made me chuckle and I did not respond. Like you I am finding my way back to happiness and I don't need any road blocks. Way to go!

[Notthesame64]

Thanks Will... sorry for your circumstances... I do think however as we do get healthier, happier we start to see things a little more clearer.  I noticed I stopped worrying so much about his life and switched it more towards my life, my health, my job, my vacations... . and he's not in it!  I made new friends, I advanced in my career, I took on new hobbies like kayaking and walking... I go out on Thursday night with friends... I don't want to date, therefore not looking... i'm taking a cruise with my middle son and friend in Dec, all my attention is on me and my adult children... . nobody else right now, and it feels good... like a weight has been lifted off my chest... pretty much drama free... happy... even happier before he came into my life.  I just decided... enough is enough!

[Notthesame64]

But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you.

It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder.

Distort facts... . play on our insecurities... . and boy do they!  It's simply amazing to finally understand this and see for what it's worth! 

[LoneWolf768]

  

i will always care for you, i loved you with all i was... I have forgiven but not forgotten.  I have owned my own mistakes and for those I'm sorry... but, I can't own yours too, those you'll have to keep. .I hope you find internal peace with yourself someday... goodbye, the end.

. I know it's kind of corny, but it's how I feel!  

Notthesame64, I LOVE THIS! Exceptionally well written and so honest and accurate! I don't think it's corny at all! The way I was reading it, it sounded like you were so calm and cool while typing it. It's like I could imagine you saying it in such a calm tone. I love it!

By now everyone here knows that, based on what we both said and wrote to each other, she'll NEVER contact me again. Ever. She'll never miss me enough and/or feel so depressed that she'll think to contact me. No benefit for her to do so. Just my opinion but I have a strong feeling that she won't try to.

However... . if she DID try... . I'd send this exact same response you sent your ex BPD'er. I'm going to hang onto this one. Thanks Notthesame64!

[Notthesame64]

Lonewolf,  You'll get through this... I know we all wish that a little light bulb would go off in our ex's head and then they would realize how much they were loved.  But in my ex's case, the textes he left me last night had nothing to do with missing me, feelings of concerns or anything else that related to our relationship... nope... they were all about him... and what’s going on his life and how he will be forever alone and asking God for forgiveness till he dies (exact words).   After reading his sad texes... I saw the internal battle that he is going through.  I am his punching bag, using me as the direct hit. 

He contacts me NOT to reconcile or share anything that is productive for the both of us, but rather to keep me in his web of self destruction.  He probably is losing his job, or not getting along with the people at work or his health hasn’t been doing well... . it is and always has been about him, never about US!   I don’t take his personal attacks against me for I am very clear on my own mistakes I made with him... . the rest he is attacking me with is just his shame, guilt... loneliness whatever... being transferred to me... . But only now... its bouncing right back to him... . remember that child’s saying...

I'm rubber you're glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you.

So that's that... . the end

[LoneWolf768]

Notthesame64, if you were to have a face to face with my ex, she'd tell you she was the one that did the loving, while I'm incapable of love. She actually told a close lady friend and me that latter. I'm not sure how they love where she's from, but when you SAY you've loved someone since the day you met them (lie) you don't A) tell them you slept with another man to get back at them, B) tell them you can't call them because you don't want anyone knowing your business (I think she didn't want her mother in law knowing anything because my ex may have told her, upon moving in there, that she and her husband were reconciling? Just a guess), C) use their personal information against them, D) call them so many damaging and hurtful names, E) lie as much as you blink, F) avoid their family while keeping them away from yours... . I'm sure I could keep going. You get the idea.

She claims she and her husband have been 'emotionally unattached' for 9 years. When we re-connected in 2012, she love bombed me again ("It's always been you", "I've always loved you", "No other man was ever you and that's why I waited for you" **all lies* I suppose that's true given the she seduced me in 2009 and another man in 2010 who she lied about to me (and I'm certain many, many, many others). This guy doesn't drive, my ex doesn't drive. His estranged wife drove him to the bar they were meeting at. From what the estranged wife (who SAYS she and my ex aren't close friends, but their FB posts say the complete opposite) told me, my ex was in the bar with another man while meeting the guy she seduced (the estranged husband). The estranged husband is there, the other guy is there, my ex is there. The estranged wife says it made for a very awkward evening, according to her estranged husband. The estranged husband saw the signs she was a jealous, insecure woman and since neither of them drive, he knew they wouldn't ever see each other yet he went ahead with her seduction plan. The estranged wife says she doesn't blame him. My ex invited herself over and was in his bed naked (her signature move). And that wasn't the first time she tried spending the night with him. But, after researching BPD in women, looks don't matter when it comes to seducing a potential 'victim'; it's all about using sex to control the man and/or having such a low sense of self-worth that they see sex as their only asset. It's really a shame it has to come to that, too.

Personally, I think she downgraded going from me to him but we weren't dating so it didn't matter. What does matter is she fabricated and distorted the facts i.e. used another guys name, lied about who initiated it, where and when it took place and a bunch of other things that I had a hunch didn't happen. She knew if she told me I'd have her take the guy off her FB friends list, much like she did to me regarding a woman I was 'with' after her. She was always of the ':)o as I say, not as I do' school of thought.

So much for her loving me and waiting for me for 3 years. I knew she couldn't possibly have waited but she convinced me she did... . and it felt nice to want to believe she did.

The light bulb reference makes me wonder, also, if she knew I loved her unconditionally at one time and if she even remembers and appreciates any of the good, positive things I did for her. Very doubtful now. So much has happened. I can't fathom how it got so bad and how two 40-somethings had something that (I thought) felt as firm as the Earth, how we fought like cats and dogs and we both lowered ourselves to such a level that we acted like two immature school kids trying to one up the other. In hindsight, had I known it would come to this, I'd have never, ever gotten serious with her. I can't believe, given how bad things got, that I still miss her and want to hear her voice again or even get a simple letter from her. It'll never happen, though. Ever.

Notthesame64, thanks for the encouragement. It's been an extremely exhausting Spring and Summer. I'm hoping Fall is better but I'm already getting triggers from the changing weather so it's highly unlikely.  

Braveheart768

[eyvindr]

The light bulb reference makes me wonder, also, if she knew I loved her unconditionally at one time and if she even remembers and appreciates any of the good, positive things I did for her. Very doubtful now. So much has happened. I can't fathom how it got so bad and how two 40-somethings had something that (I thought) felt as firm as the Earth, how we fought like cats and dogs and we both lowered ourselves to such a level that we acted like two immature school kids trying to one up the other. In hindsight, had I known it would come to this, I'd have never, ever gotten serious with her. I can't believe, given how bad things got, that I still miss her and want to hear her voice again or even get a simple letter from her... .

In my experience, she does remember. But it would be an admission of failure or acceptance of responsibility on her part if she were to admit it to anyone, especially you. Except as an attempt to draw you back in, if she felt the need and was given the opportunity to do so.

But again, SO familiar. I'm still dealing with the shame I feel for letting her bring me down to her level so many times -- even after I recognized and knew the patterns, and would vow to myself that I wouldn't let it happen again! She turned me into a raving lunatic at times, always the result of sheer and utter exasperation and emotional exhaustion. It really felt like a battle for my very sanity, as dramatic as that sounds. 

HANG IN THERE!

[Notthesame64]

Well it is happening again... Im finally on my road to independence, happiness and contentment... . and sure enough I go from black to white over night!  Is this part of it?

He texted me all yesterday, telling me how I f'd up his life, how I never admit to my mistakes, and how he will never forgive me... . switch a few hours later and it's... I apologize for not being good enuf and I should have a good laugh about all his bulls***.  Hes no good for anyone and hell be asking forgiveness till he dies... . Now today it's I'm screwed, I'm going to be homeless, im going to lose my job... and everything screwed in this thing called life!... but god bless...

Ok what the hell?  He did this the last time when he moved 19 hours away from me.  He begged me to give him another chance.  I did and it was back to ignoring me, angry spurts, negativity, depression, suicide threats... more anxiety, depression... too horrible shouting matches and finally our once again break up.   

When he came back I felt it wasn't because he truly loved me, but because he needed to get out of the situation he was in... this was apparent by his actions, lack of intimacy and emotional support.  I always felt ugly, like he settled with me.  I'm sure that wasn't the case now that I understand his disorder better and because of his other health issues... . but his lack of ability to show love, empathy, affection, communication made me feel as such.

Now he's doing it again... he's down and out, could be homeless, has nobody and he know just who and how to play on those heart strings.   He knows that I loved him and he knows if he starts being nice he just may get to recycle me again.

However what he doesn't know is... I don't love him anymore... . not like I did.  I also am happier without him and I have future plans that don't include him... . like buying a house, getting on with my life... I just don't understand this...

You lie to me, intentionally try to hurt me?

You call me names?

You say I'm the cause of your circumstance?

Blame me for you not being enuf (I don't even know what that means...

And now all of a sudden your going to be homeless, and your going to lose your job?

So I think I'll come back after months of silence to see if I can use you for my own needs again?  Is this how it works?   This is so screwed up!   

[Notthesame64]

It really felt like a battle for my very sanity, as dramatic as that sounds.

Exactly! 

[Emelie Emelie]

Notthesame:  I'm really happy for you.  It sounds like you've really got it together re your X.  It's inspirational for those of us still fighting through it.  Thank you for sharing.

[Notthesame64]

Oh emelie, it's not over yet... . I would help him out of guilt and he's betting on it... . I'm a giving and forgiving person,and he's counting on it... I still don't know how to react to all of this.  I just don't want that drama back in my life... what could he possible offer me this time around after the lies, the hurt, the ugliness his actions he's shown me?   I would love to think differently, but I know if i allow him back in to my life... I'm asking for another round of crazy served up with a side order of fool.

[eeyore]

  at another round of crazy served up with a side order of fool... . I'm going to remember that one.

Please do take care of yourself by keeping those that bring drama at a distance. 

[LoneWolf768]

I would love to think differently, but I know if i allow him back in to my life... I'm asking for another round of crazy served up with a side order of fool.

NTS84, I'm going t agree with eeyore... . this is an awesome quote! I'm going to have to incorporate this into my lingo! There's so much talent on this site and I enjoy recognizing those who bring it!

Thank you, NTS84 and eeyore!

[Notthesame64]

Well I appreciate all the encouragement and I want to mirror that back to you guys!  We all have the strength inside us to see things for what they are... It just takes time it's a process... some go through it fast others stick around... .but the fact is, if you truly want to get healthy... . only you can decide when!

He is still texting me and im allowing him too because I don't need NC anymore... . Like I've heard before on here, NC is a tool not a weapon. And I'm much stronger now to feel less threatened or weak.  In fact, he could say anything he wants at this point... . I'm pretty shocked out.

Anyways, with each text he sent i started noticing the escalation of stories, the drama that has consumed his chaotic life.   Chicken little at his best!  The sky is always falling and the world has dished him out a plate of woe is me!   He has played this tune before and I know the whole song by heart... only this time, I'm not singing along.  Can I say... did that done that now?

I get it now!  He recycles me... . he's not contacting me because he loves me... but because his chaotic, out of controlled BPD needs me to rescue him from his unhappiness and pain.  Not one loving affectionate term towards me... not one, how are you doing?... . however, there was a whole lot of I was charged, I am screwed, I may this or I may that... life sucks, I'm totally f***ed... don't worry about me!

This is the second time he has done it to this extrame... . it amazes me how easily he's ignoring the fact that two months ago he lied saying his father died, when he rally didn't!  Or better yet just two days ago I was the worst person on this planet in his eyes that screwed up his life... but come to find out, he could lose his job, been arrested for beating some guy up, legal fees and on and on... . so my thoughts on that... . sucks to be you!

He's a good man, I loved him deeply... he has major issues that I completely see now and understand.  However, I have changed inside and out, and what he's selling I don't want to buy into ANYMORE! 

I listened for almost 6 yrs.  had empathy for every situation... stood by him through thick and thin... . but now... I look back and go "no fricken way am i going to spend the rest of my life living with that!  I hope he seeks help but he's 50 yrs old and this is his reality... NOT MINE ANY MORE,... .




I am so glad for this site, the articles, the knowledge on this behavior, symptoms and real emotions.  I am strong today... . stronger then I was yesterday!  .

[MammaMia]

Notthesame

Be careful... . be strong. 

[Notthesame64]

Appreciate it Mammamia,