Finally told uBPD mom she needed help (long story)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

Last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster ride. My uBPD mom has been completely unhinged to where I just had to figure out why she was so "nuts". Everything had been triggering her rage, even simple things that most of us would consider a non-issue. Her behavior was so radical to where I would have taken her to the hospital if she were a minor child (since she isn't I can't do anything).

Anyway, I was disturbed enough by her behavior that I was determined to figure out what she had. I had a copy of "stop walking on eggshells" because I study psychology, but I had never read it. It didn't take long to see that my mom was in the pages.  I was concerned enough to where I felt compelled to ask her to get help, but it took me several days to calm down to where I could bring things up with her.

As luck would have it, my BPD mom called me yesterday (I live in a neighboring state) and I brought up the fact that I was concerned about some incidents that have happened over the past week. I started with some observations that she has talked about never being good enough or feelings of not being loved (her mom also had uBPD) and that in the home that she was raised, it affected her in how she views situations. I also talked about how these situations can change how the brain works at the neurochemical level, and that there are times when the neurochemicals get out of balance, which effects how we perceive, process, and react to things.

I used an analogy about tight-rope walking. Our lives are like a tight-rope that we walk. The neurotransmitters in our brains (serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine) are the long pole that helps us to stay balanced as we walk along the line. There are upsets in our life where the line get jostled, and if our neurotransmitters are balanced and working right, then we can get through the upset without falling from the rope. However, there are times when things get out of balance due to experiences we have had or to genetics, and the balancing pole of neurotransmitters gets shifted to where it causes us to be unbalanced. When this happens, the slightest trigger causes us to fall (over-react).

I talked about specific instances over the past week that had me concerned. Last week, my family and two of my sisters and their families went on vacation with my parents (all siblings are grown). One of my grown foster sons came too, but he rode up with my parents. This son needed to get back home earlier than everyone else in order to make it to work. Anyway, on the ride up, my mom's car overheated because the radiator broke. She ended up renting a car, for the trip on the way up to the destination.  My husband and I also brought two vehicles (I had to leave early to get my daughter to a psychiatric appointment that is next to impossible to change).

There were several options for getting my foster son back home. One option was to let him take my car and then my husband and I could pick up the car in a subsequent weekend. This would allow my mom to enjoy "her only vacation" with family. My mom decided that the best option would be to take the rental vehicle, drive my foster son to the shop where her car was (hour drive away) and then if her car wasn't finished she would drive him home (another 2 hour drive). Then she would turn around and drive back to where she rented the vehicle to return it (3 hour drive). I mentioned to my mom (calmly) that I tried several times to discuss different options to solving the car problem and that each time she had told me that the discussion was closed. This made me feel like what I had to say wasn't important. I also felt upset that I was dismissed so abruptly.  My mom justified her actions by stating she knew I had to leave early too and she couldn't get my car back to me so she didn't consider it.  I pointed out that the problem was that there was no communication or discussion of the matter, when there should have been since it was my foster son who needed to get home.

I also talked about the level of anger/frustration my mom felt at the fact that my youngest sister had brought her husband's twin sister along for the trip. My mom denied being angry, but I reminded her that L was in tears due to the angry energy she felt and the fact that my other sister had rudely told her that the twin should not have been there. My mom said, "well, I didn't tell your sister to say that to L." and I said, "I know you didn't tell B to say that to L. However, B did say that and then the angry energy around camp confirmed what B said. This then alienated L and her husband to where they felt that they shouldn't have come."

At this point, my mom justified her actions and flew into a rage. I said, "I can hear that you are really angry right now. I bet that it feels really intense and big to you." My mom said, "well, yes it does!"

I told her that it is normal to feel feelings, but that when there are times when our feelings feel super big and intense that it is a sign that neurochemicals are out of balance. I told her that it wasn't her fault that her feelings were so intense and large. Then I told her that it might help to talk to her doctor about taking Abilify or Saphris (these are next generation mood stabilizers with fewer side-effects than other mood stabilizers).  This would help balance the brain chemistry and make it so that her feelings were less intense.  I also told her it would help her with some of the negative emotions she was dealing with too (anxiety, depression).  I also reminded her of the intensity of her anger the day everyone came home from the trip (she called me that evening to let me know how horrible the trip had been for her and what an imposition it had been to have to drive so much to meet my needs).  She said she didn't remember talking to me that day (seriously?)

I didn't bother to ask her to go to therapy, because I know she won't go. She has gone in the past for a couple of sessions and so that is not an option for her. (Been down that road before and the bridge is burned)

I finished the conversation by letting her know that I loved her and I wanted her to be able to be happy and feel good about things. She was still upset when we got off the phone, but I hoped that my prayers would be answered to where she would set up an appointment with her doc.

Later that evening, she called me back with my dad also being on the phone (I talked to my dad this weekend about my concerns and telling him about BPD and mom needed serious help).  My mom expressed that she knew it took courage to call her earlier (wow, that was insightful) and that she took what I had to say to heart. She has an appointment with her doctor in a couple of weeks and will talk about medication options.  My mom asked me to explain to my dad what I had explained to her- about the neurotransmitters.  (I gave my dad the neurotransmitter talk earlier this weekend)

My dad started to sabotage everything by saying that my mom was fine and that drugs weren't the answer. He then mentioned that they were reading books, starting an exercise program and working on improving their relationship (oh how I wanted to smack him through the phone).  I calmly said, "That is wonderful that you are working on practical things. The most effective treatments combine medicine with positive life changes.  I think that will help, and I think that mom's visit to her doctor will also help so that she doesn't feel things so intensely." (my mom agreed with me- another wow).

I told my folks that I felt it was necessary to make them aware of my concerns because I love them. If I didn't love my mom, I would not have told her anything, but because I care about her happiness I want her to be aware of what I observed. I told her, "I just wanted to make you aware of some things I had observed that worried me. You can do whatever you wish with the information.  It sounds like you have an appointment set up with your doctor, which is wonderful. I hope that you will try a mood-stabilizer (abilify or saphris) because I think it would make a big difference in how you feel, but I recognize that this is your choice to make." I finished with letting both of my parents know how much I love them (even though I want to smack the crap out of my dad for trying to sabotage things).

I have no idea if my mom is rational enough to keep her appointment and get medical help, but I think some progress was made. I feel good that I was calm, rational, and that I didn't abandon my resolve to appease my dad.

Thanks everyone for listening. (sorry it is so long)

[Bella Storm]

Hi everyone,

Last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster ride. My uBPD mom has been completely unhinged to where I just had to figure out why she was so "nuts". Everything had been triggering her rage, even simple things that most of us would consider a non-issue. Her behavior was so radical to where I would have taken her to the hospital if she were a minor child (since she isn't I can't do anything).

Anyway, I was disturbed enough by her behavior that I was determined to figure out what she had. I had a copy of "stop walking on eggshells" because I study psychology, but I had never read it. It didn't take long to see that my mom was in the pages.  I was concerned enough to where I felt compelled to ask her to get help, but it took me several days to calm down to where I could bring things up with her.

As luck would have it, my BPD mom called me yesterday (I live in a neighboring state) and I brought up the fact that I was concerned about some incidents that have happened over the past week. I started with some observations that she has talked about never being good enough or feelings of not being loved (her mom also had uBPD) and that in the home that she was raised, it affected her in how she views situations. I also talked about how these situations can change how the brain works at the neurochemical level, and that there are times when the neurochemicals get out of balance, which effects how we perceive, process, and react to things.

I used an analogy about tight-rope walking. Our lives are like a tight-rope that we walk. The neurotransmitters in our brains (serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine) are the long pole that helps us to stay balanced as we walk along the line. There are upsets in our life where the line get jostled, and if our neurotransmitters are balanced and working right, then we can get through the upset without falling from the rope. However, there are times when things get out of balance due to experiences we have had or to genetics, and the balancing pole of neurotransmitters gets shifted to where it causes us to be unbalanced. When this happens, the slightest trigger causes us to fall (over-react).

I talked about specific instances over the past week that had me concerned. Last week, my family and two of my sisters and their families went on vacation with my parents (all siblings are grown). One of my grown foster sons came too, but he rode up with my parents. This son needed to get back home earlier than everyone else in order to make it to work. Anyway, on the ride up, my mom's car overheated because the radiator broke. She ended up renting a car, for the trip on the way up to the destination.  My husband and I also brought two vehicles (I had to leave early to get my daughter to a psychiatric appointment that is next to impossible to change).

There were several options for getting my foster son back home. One option was to let him take my car and then my husband and I could pick up the car in a subsequent weekend. This would allow my mom to enjoy "her only vacation" with family. My mom decided that the best option would be to take the rental vehicle, drive my foster son to the shop where her car was (hour drive away) and then if her car wasn't finished she would drive him home (another 2 hour drive). Then she would turn around and drive back to where she rented the vehicle to return it (3 hour drive). I mentioned to my mom (calmly) that I tried several times to discuss different options to solving the car problem and that each time she had told me that the discussion was closed. This made me feel like what I had to say wasn't important. I also felt upset that I was dismissed so abruptly.  My mom justified her actions by stating she knew I had to leave early too and she couldn't get my car back to me so she didn't consider it.  I pointed out that the problem was that there was no communication or discussion of the matter, when there should have been since it was my foster son who needed to get home.

I also talked about the level of anger/frustration my mom felt at the fact that my youngest sister had brought her husband's twin sister along for the trip. My mom denied being angry, but I reminded her that L was in tears due to the angry energy she felt and the fact that my other sister had rudely told her that the twin should not have been there. My mom said, "well, I didn't tell your sister to say that to L." and I said, "I know you didn't tell B to say that to L. However, B did say that and then the angry energy around camp confirmed what B said. This then alienated L and her husband to where they felt that they shouldn't have come."

At this point, my mom justified her actions and flew into a rage. I said, "I can hear that you are really angry right now. I bet that it feels really intense and big to you." My mom said, "well, yes it does!"

I told her that it is normal to feel feelings, but that when there are times when our feelings feel super big and intense that it is a sign that neurochemicals are out of balance. I told her that it wasn't her fault that her feelings were so intense and large. Then I told her that it might help to talk to her doctor about taking Abilify or Saphris (these are next generation mood stabilizers with fewer side-effects than other mood stabilizers).  This would help balance the brain chemistry and make it so that her feelings were less intense.  I also told her it would help her with some of the negative emotions she was dealing with too (anxiety, depression).  I also reminded her of the intensity of her anger the day everyone came home from the trip (she called me that evening to let me know how horrible the trip had been for her and what an imposition it had been to have to drive so much to meet my needs).  She said she didn't remember talking to me that day (seriously?)

I didn't bother to ask her to go to therapy, because I know she won't go. She has gone in the past for a couple of sessions and so that is not an option for her. (Been down that road before and the bridge is burned)

I finished the conversation by letting her know that I loved her and I wanted her to be able to be happy and feel good about things. She was still upset when we got off the phone, but I hoped that my prayers would be answered to where she would set up an appointment with her doc.

Later that evening, she called me back with my dad also being on the phone (I talked to my dad this weekend about my concerns and telling him about BPD and mom needed serious help).  My mom expressed that she knew it took courage to call her earlier (wow, that was insightful) and that she took what I had to say to heart. She has an appointment with her doctor in a couple of weeks and will talk about medication options.  My mom asked me to explain to my dad what I had explained to her- about the neurotransmitters.  (I gave my dad the neurotransmitter talk earlier this weekend)

My dad started to sabotage everything by saying that my mom was fine and that drugs weren't the answer. He then mentioned that they were reading books, starting an exercise program and working on improving their relationship (oh how I wanted to smack him through the phone).  I calmly said, "That is wonderful that you are working on practical things. The most effective treatments combine medicine with positive life changes.  I think that will help, and I think that mom's visit to her doctor will also help so that she doesn't feel things so intensely." (my mom agreed with me- another wow).

I told my folks that I felt it was necessary to make them aware of my concerns because I love them. If I didn't love my mom, I would not have told her anything, but because I care about her happiness I want her to be aware of what I observed. I told her, "I just wanted to make you aware of some things I had observed that worried me. You can do whatever you wish with the information.  It sounds like you have an appointment set up with your doctor, which is wonderful. I hope that you will try a mood-stabilizer (abilify or saphris) because I think it would make a big difference in how you feel, but I recognize that this is your choice to make." I finished with letting both of my parents know how much I love them (even though I want to smack the crap out of my dad for trying to sabotage things).

I have no idea if my mom is rational enough to keep her appointment and get medical help, but I think some progress was made. I feel good that I was calm, rational, and that I didn't abandon my resolve to appease my dad.

Thanks everyone for listening. (sorry it is so long)

[Santa Clara]

Hi Bella,

Sounds like there is a lot going on with your mum! 

One of the most useful things I did when I realised my mum probably has BPD was find a therapist for myself to help me figure out how to set boundries with her and to protect myself from being hurt. The therapist has helped me beyond all expectations, I highly recommend it 

The first book I read about BPD was 'Stop walking on eggshells' which was very helpful, however there was a downside for me. I noticed I started to feel guilty for not 'helping' my mother more and I pitied her for being ill.  I have to admit in many ways this just ended up making me feel worse.  The book that helped me the most was 'Surviving a Boarderline Parent' by the same author, where the angle is very much for us the children. 

Good luck with everything!

[KateJuly2013]

Hello Bella,

Wow- what a great job you did with your mother and father!    You were really able to remain calm, assess the situation, and stick to the communication techniques that you learned work with BPDs.  I hope that even though this must be very difficult for you, you feel good about what you accomplished.

I've recently had a similar conversation with my mom.  She too seems to have taken it seriously.  It also feels good to remind her (and me!) that it is her decision.  Do you feel that too?  I do still worry a bit that having this conversation with my mom is causing me to linger in a state of hoping too much that she'll change... ?

Too bad about your father's reaction.  That sucks.   . 

[Bella Storm]

Hi Santa Clara,

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I do have a therapist lined up to help me (a lot of the things I experienced as a child are interfering with the attachment work I am doing with my adopted daughter).

I can definitely relate to the feelings of pity and feeling like I should try to help my mom more. Some of that is from the backwards child/parent dynamic. I found the book you mentioned (surviving the borderline parent) and it should come in tomorrow (oh how I love amazon). Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it.

Hugs.

~Bella

[Bella Storm]

Hi KateJuly2013,

Thanks a bunch. It felt so good to be able to stay calm and to articulate things and be taken seriously. I am trying not to get too optimistic, because BPD mom can always change her mind about getting help or my dad. I couldn't figure out why my dad would sabotage what I was trying to do, but then my husband told me that if my mom does get better, then my dad has to start owning his behavior and change what he is doing (he's very passive-aggressive and also likes to avoid addressing a problem).

Thanks for your support. Good luck with your mom. I hope both our moms stay the course to get help.

Hugs.

~Bella