Well, I might stay, but it is not up to me now ...

[msm]

Dear DreamFlyer99, thank you very much for your support.

It is quiet on all fronts right now, becuase my uBPDw does not communicate with me at all. She does not answer my messages about the most pressing day to day things related to our business, children, etc... . I have found out that she moved with our two older children (12 and 16, my alienated children) to unknown location.

Our newborn baby is with her mother. I did not see our baby for more than three weeks. Whatever happens, she always is accusing me that I do not care for our children, but doing everything possible to make sure that I do not visit them. She is physically attacking me, than she feels curious about why I could not visit her and children after that... .

I have tried to contact my 16 years old son by phone, but he does not want to talk to me.

2 of our younger children are still with me... .

The biggest problem is that we are in legal limbo... . She has promissed to file for mediation in social services so we can make some kind of agreement about access to our children. But nothing happens. She either did not file, or I need to wait for some time for social service to make some movement. She said that she requested "fast track" procedure... . So, I have to wait, I guess. In this situation, she can take away children by force and since I do not have right to file for divorce (neither I would file in this situation), I would be dependent on her good will in the next three years. I would need to wait for three years before I would be able to initiate legal procedure to have access to my children. Maybe I am not right about this, but I am pretty sure that it is impossible for her to make any agreement with me or to follow through this agreement.

I am preatty sure that she plays that game. Our children needs to go to school in 10 days. She will than have access to them and I do not know how to defend myself in this situation. Basically I need to insist that we make some agreement or to ensure that I have access to children in school... . What a nightmare... .

The bottom line is that I do not want to limit her access to children. I just need to make sure it is regulated somehow, not depending on her mood swings... . I need to have some kind of document that I can call on if we have situations... . And we ail have these situations I am preatty sure... .

She wants to pressure me so it looks like I am leaving her and children, I am leaving the house... .

The problem is also that she is abandoning our business, blocking all our finances, so I need to figure it out how to handle this.

I am really feeling that she sistematically destroying everyhting that we have built in 17 years - our marriage, our family, our children, business, finances, everything. And I am feeling that I really need to start all over again, to start some kind of new life. And this is actually the bright thing in this situation - I really do not have any excuses anymore for not doing real change in my life.

Right now, the major problem is that she is totally consumed by her rage and hate toward me... . She hates me so much that I start to wonder if there is something else going on behind the scene. I was so focused on her BPD so I did not think at all about some other things, like that she might had some kind of affair, that maybe I am not father for at least one of our children. These thoughts are really tortuting me... .

In the past, I was really in the role of peacemaker. But after last scandals, after she started horrific distortion campaign against me, I have realized that I can not trust her anymore... . And suddenly I start to question everything... .

I tell myself that I am really sorry that it took me so much time to recognize her BPD syndrome, I am sorry that I have failed to be disciplined enough to learn how to communicate with her properly to manage her mood swings, how not to make things to worsen. I am really sorry that I had so much trust, I am sorry that I have allowed her to brainwash my two oldest children, I am sorry that I did not stop her on time when she started to humiliate me, to attack me physically. Iam really sorry for all of this. I really wanted to save our marriage not because I loved her, but because of our kids... . I really did not want to fail in this marriage, in our family... .

12 years ago, when she had one of these episodes, and when I did not have clue about BPD, she attacked me physically and I fought back. This was reason for her to leave home with our first son (than 4 years old). I have decided to make peace again, because I could not really stand that my 4 years son is growing without father. Because of my son, I have decided to save our marriage. Since than, everything was relatively fine for the next 8-9 years. And than things rapidly deteriorated.

So, I saved my marriage for my children to have real functioning family. And than, what an irony, my now 16 years old son is fully alienated from me, he has already phisically atacked me... . Unfortunatelly, our 12 years daughter is on the same path (my wife told me that our 12 years daughter told her that she could not understand why she did not leave me before)... .

I have tried to do best with our marriage for the sake of my children. But than, our children started to turn their back to me, one by one. And staying in this marriage really defeats my definition of the purpose of this marriage (to protect family and children). The other reason why I stayed in this marriage is that I am really loyal person. My attitude is that my uBPDw is sick and that I should be with her, to help her.

But she has manipulated me and everyone else around her, just to make sure she is pushing me away and that it looks like that I am leaving her and 5 of our children.

Yes, the key question is: FGS, why did you have 5 children? Well, first of all, because we really love children, we could afford it, we did not do planning, and I think we wanted to rejuvenate our relation... . But on the other side, I am thinking now that she also wanted to ensure that I MUST STAY WITH HER, regardless of what happens in our marriage.

Right now I really feel betrayed, by my wife, by my 2 oldest children.

The only good thing I see right now is that I still have 2 youngest children with me and that I should do whataver is neccessary to protect them... .

I really can not stand that my wife and 2 of my children hates me so much and are so mean toward me. That is something that hurts me the most. But I guess, this is the challenge of my life and I pray to God every day to save me from hate, rage, to help me to be dignified and to help to fight evil with good, only good.

[eyvindr]

msm –

Very sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It sounds horrible. Some thoughts... .

The biggest problem is that we are in legal limbo... . She has promised to file for mediation in social services so we can make some kind of agreement about access to our children. But nothing happens. She either did not file, or I need to wait for some time for social service to make some movement. She said that she requested "fast track" procedure... . So, I have to wait, I guess. In this situation, she can take away children by force and since I do not have right to file for divorce (neither I would file in this situation), I would be dependent on her good will in the next three years. I would need to wait for three years before I would be able to initiate legal procedure to have access to my children. Maybe I am not right about this, but I am pretty sure that it is impossible for her to make any agreement with me or to follow through this agreement.

Not sure I’m understanding your situation, so I’ll ask some questions. Note that I’m not an attorney, so nothing I suggest should be in any way taken as professional advice – just based on my own experiences and limited familiarity with custody laws. (Assuming you’re in the states? and are a citizen? – the usual basics)

While the US courts do still largely favor biological mothers over fathers with respect to awarding child custody, as the biological father, you have just as much a right to see and spend time with your children as their mother does, assuming there is no reason that you shouldn’t, such as a proven history of abuse or neglect, which I’m not seeing here, based on the information you’ve shared. So, you don’t need to wait for her to do or file anything – you are free to do so yourself. I don’t understand what you mean when you write that “she can take away the children by force” – why? Why don’t you have a right to file for divorce? Just seeking clarification.

She wants to pressure me so it looks like I am leaving her and children, I am leaving the house... .

As difficult as it may be, don’t leave the family house, unless you have to. If you do, as I understand it, she will be able to claim abandonment. (Again, I’m not an attorney, and laws may vary by state on this.)

Right now, the major problem is that she is totally consumed by her rage and hate toward me... . She hates me so much that I start to wonder if there is something else going on behind the scene. I was so focused on her BPD so I did not think at all about some other things, like that she might had some kind of affair, that maybe I am not father for at least one of our children. These thoughts are really torturing me... .

In the past, I was really in the role of peacemaker. But after last scandals, after she started horrific distortion campaign against me, I have realized that I can not trust her anymore... . And suddenly I start to question everything... .

If you’ve read much about BPD, you likely have come across something about how as pwBPD subject others to their maddening behaviors, “nons” (people who don’t suffer from BPD, but who are involved with pwBPD) start to wonder if they’re imagining things , if maybe they’re misinterpreting reality , or are somehow to blame for the conflicts they keep having with their pwBPD loved one . It’s normal – and it’s a normal, healthy response in otherwise well-adjusted individuals who understand that, in every relationship, both parties play a part in what happens. Thing is, with pwBPD, all of the rules are twisted – sometimes you’re responsible, sometimes you’re not, one minute they accept responsibility and seek forgiveness, then as soon as you give it to them, they accuse you of blaming everything on them, when you try to explain yourself, YOU get accused of devaluing THEIR feelings – it goes on and on and on.

I tell myself that I am really sorry that it took me so much time to recognize her BPD syndrome, I am sorry that I have failed to be disciplined enough to learn how to communicate with her properly to manage her mood swings, how not to make things to worsen. I am really sorry that I had so much trust, I am sorry that I have allowed her to brainwash my two oldest children, I am sorry that I did not stop her on time when she started to humiliate me, to attack me physically. I am really sorry for all of this. I really wanted to save our marriage not because I loved her, but because of our kids... . I really did not want to fail in this marriage, in our family…

So, I saved my marriage for my children to have real functioning family... .

I have tried to do best with our marriage for the sake of my children. But then, our children started to turn their back to me, one by one. And staying in this marriage really defeats my definition of the purpose of this marriage (to protect family and children). The other reason why I stayed in this marriage is that I am really loyal person. My attitude is that my uBPDw is sick and that I should be with her, to help her.

This is a classic example of being lost/trapped “in the BPD F.O.G.” This is when the pwBPD in your life engages in all manner of disruptive behavior (it can go as far as abusive, even), yet always manages to make you feel at least 50% responsible for it. It sounds from your post that you are a reasonable person, who is willing to admit to your role in the situation, and you’ve commented a few times here about how you’ve worked to separate your wife’s negative behaviors from the person herself, whom you married and built a family with, out of love. And how you’ve tried to stay in the marriage and make it work, despite the hurt that you continue to experience as a result of your wife’s illness – which is what underlies her destructive behavior. But it’s still not enough, and sounds like it potentially drives her to take even more extreme measures to undermine your marriage – yet leaves you still somehow feeling in some way responsible for it.

You can read more about this here:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Hang in there. If you have questions about custody and divorce, I strongly encourage you to find your own attorney, or a mediator, and talk to them yourself to get your questions answered. pwBPD are not above manipulating facts and reality to mislead others into believing that they have all the answers, and are empowered by law to completely destroy you, if they feel it’s necessary. Hard as it is, when we're dealing with a loved one who's also a pwBPD, we have to train ourselves to take almost everything they say with a grain of salt.

[msm]

Dear eyvindr, thank you very much for your long post and a lot of explanation. I am not living in the States. I am on the other side of the World, South East Europe. But the point you made is quite ok. I do not fell helpless in legal terms. I just wanted her to make the first "real" moves. But nothing happens. I will wait for one week more to see what happens, than I will make the first move.

What I meant about possibility that she takes away children, is that she basically left our house with children, to live in house of her parents, living me alone in our house. In this situation, I would need to go see our children in very "hostile" environment for me.

The best thing that could happen is that we share our time with children 50-50% in such way that kids stay toghether all the time in our house and we both spend week by week. We had this situation in the past. The only problem is our newborn baby and our 2 years old baby. She is using them as escuse to be with children all the time and that I have "standard" access, every second weekend or so... . But I can not imagine that any mediator or court would agree to this in situation with 5 children. She really needs help.

She is using children to press me, blackmail me, punish me, just name it... .

Anyway, my first task right now to protect myself legaly and to protect myseelf phisically. I also need to protect our business and all things that we have managed to build over years.

I also need to find way to start some kind of managed communication with her, but it is in my interest that this communication is mediated. I can not take anymore her verbal attacks... .

Stay tuned... .


We need some kind of mediation anyway, because she is right now in NC mode. She does not want to communicate with me at all. So I can not reach her. And we have a lot of things to discuss.

[msm]

Have just received official invitation for mediation from Center for Social Work. The mediation will take place on next Wed.

In the last two days we had minor incidents that on the verge of developing in another scandal. Day before yesterday, my 12 years daughter called me for the first time in more than 2 months. She called me from my wife's phone. She has asked to talk to our 8 years old son that stays with me. No sign of any emotion toward me. No desire to talk to me. I think brainwashing is fully completed. After that, my wife and my daughter visited the house of my parents where two of my sons were staying at the time (actually my 8 years old son was playing with my cousins at that time in their house). I was worried that another public scandal was in development. My daughter did not see my mother for more than year or so and yet she succeeded to tell my mother that either she or me are lying about whereabouts of my 8 years old son. My mother was devastated. It was really offensive. I was devastated too.

In the meantime I have just found out that my wife registered our newborn son without my knowledge and consent, using my passport. She has also picked the name without any consultations with me. Officials have made clear that I can revoke this registration. I do not have problem with the name, but I have problem with the fact that she thinks that she can do whatever she wants without my knowledge. I will consult my L on Monday about this situation, because she is also violating law - possessing my personal documents without my consent. Actually. I will probably bring this issue in mediation as BIG issue for me, really important, but I am ready to drop it to get some other more important concessions... .

After days of NC, my wife tried to communicate with me again yesterday through our 12 years daughter. But I refused to discuss things with my 12 years daughter. Than finally, she called me on the phone. I could stand her verbal barrage less than 30 seconds and dropped the call. Sent her SMS message to tell her that both of us sufering because of our children.  I do not have problem to arrange that we all meet in our house with some form of security arrangement and that I am just affraid of having another public scandal with police. So, becuase of this, we need Center for Social Work to mediate and make arrangement.

It is really true that we do not have any close friends or relatives that can mediate in this situation. So, this mediation is actually our only hope to start some kind of communication. We need to communicate a lot of things. But becuase of this situation with children, she is unable to cope with anything else.

What is my strategy for mediation? Starting point - 50-50% share of time with children. Children stays in our house and we live with them each alternate week. We have just renovated our old apartment so we can both use it for this purpose. We had this arrangements last year for almost two months... . She will resist this because she can not live alone and her argument will be that she needs to be with baby. In that case I would say that she can be with baby all the time allowing me some time during the week. It is one month old baby. If she is not ready to accept this, and she will not accept this, she will ask from the start the full temporary custody for all 5 children and that all 5 children stays with her, I will offer that we either split children in such way that they spend at least 2-3 days together. In the worst case scenario for me, I would go to have children with me each weekend, or three days a week, including weekend. For the time being, I am clear that I want separate living from her, but with full access to our children, or as much as possible... . This might give us breathing space for the time being... .

Her strategy is probably to opposse anything I suggest hoping that Center for Social Work will favour mother anyway, so she will get children anyway if we do not make any agreement. And than this situation can drag on for years, because I can not file for divorce for three years. She is talking that she will file for divorce, but I am not sure.

I have read a couple of threads about mediation, and I am ready to accept the fact that she will not be able to make any agreement with me. She is preoccupied with her hate and rage and she wants to punish me.

She is really not interested in wellbeing of our children. She is only insterested in using them as weapon against me. I have tried to make an argument with her that insisting on full custody for all of our children with just make me to have a lot of free time. She hates it. She immediately respondend that she will make it sure that I have full hands of our children... . It is very simple - I get what I want insisting on something completely opposite! )

On another issue - all our savings and finances are blocked because of joint management. And she also wants to use this as some kind of pressure on me. So I really feel that I might be locked in some kind of very long or protracted battle. I do not want that. I would rather start my life all over again.

How I feel? Sad from time to time. Sometimes really down. But not that often. I also feel numbed from time to time. I want to make sure that I am calmed and focused and to be sure what I want.

I am trying to make one thing for sure - that I am not afraid of future and that need to have strength to start my live all over again. I do not want here to have impression that she can blackmail me with anything.

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh MSM, muddy waters indeed... .

It sounds like you are stepping back and giving yourself "rejuvenation space" as step 2 in the right hand sidebar says. this is good, as it helps you to see the situation more clearly without being right in the middle. Have you read through the information on Choosing a Path? It gives some clear steps to work through the emotional/physical/rational process of learning where you stand and ways you can deal more safely and clearly with your wife. If you haven't, i'd suggest you read through this info: Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships It's pretty helpful!

i'm so glad you finally have mediation to look forward to. That's a great start.

Having once been the child who was effectively "brainwashed" to believe my father was the cause of all my woes, I would just encourage you to keep sight of the fact that your daughter is a child, and often children do what they need to do in order to survive their situation. Remember she is doing the best she can as a child to deal with those who want her to believe things their way. I do think that once you learn some of the skills necessary to deal with her mother and your children too, you will be able to allow the children to get to know you as the person you are individually. I think my father gave up on that idea and so I didn't have much r/s with him and had to realize who they were individually on my own later in life.

I just read this quote at the top of a page: Think About It... . Parents who focus their energies on their own physical and emotional survival send a very powerful message to their children: "Your feelings are not important. I'm the only one who counts." Many of these children, deprived of adequate time, attention, and care, begin to feel invisible--as if they didn't even exist.~ Susan Forward, PhD, author of Toxic Parent As you learn skills for communication and how to deal with parenting your children separately, you will have a part in giving them a different message than this one they may get from their mother. The message above is the one I grew up with since both my parents were very self-absorbed by the time I came along as the youngest. You will be able to get help and understanding for your part in their development as you read/learn/post on bpdfamily.

Since you have been living apart, perhaps you could get some good advice and help from the senior members on the Parenting after the Split board.

I am glad to see you moving forward emotionally in how to more effectively deal with your wife and children, and i'm encouraged to see that you want to have a r/s with your children. 

[msm]

Yes, I am really feeling better these last two days, because I have realized that after all I am really aware of what is going on and that somehow I really need to approach this whole situation as "scientist". I need to know what I know, I need to stay calm and focused. Right now, I am thinking my wife, actually all of us are going through some kind of "extinction bursts". So I have three major goals for mediation: first of all I need to make sure that our family reunite in our house with sueprvision of someone from Center from social work. Doing this, I will reduce tensions and possibly open channels of direct communication with my wife. Second, I would like to propose some kind of arrangement that both of share time with children but to live somehow separately, so we can both have some breathing space after all of this summer trauma. Third, I need to make sure to suggest to Center for Social Work that we need to go to some kind of family counselling. We need to have someone else to observe situation objectively. I know my wife will object to this because she is afraid that her disorder will be exposed. But I need this becuase my family really need this. My major argument for this is alienation process with my two oldest children... .

As you can see, I think the major purpose of this is to stop the bleading as soon as possible, but also to make some kind of guarantees that my access to children will be protected after she demostrated that she is ready to make public scandals... .

I also need to buy some time to really think through what I really want out of this or at least to prepare things for some kind of settlement if my wife really decides to file for divorce. She threatens with this for a couple of years and she is talking much about it, but I am rally not sure that she will really do it.

I have realized that I really have only some kind of power over my life and my actions so I need to do what is the most responsible thing to do in this situation. And I am trying to cope emotionaly with all of this with this "scientist" perspective. This is "the case" I need to work on, I need to find the Truth. But also, I need to maintain my humanity... .

[DreamFlyer99]

I was thinking earlier about what yvindr said:

If you’ve read much about BPD, you likely have come across something about how as pwBPD subject others to their maddening behaviors, “nons” (people who don’t suffer from BPD, but who are involved with pwBPD) start to wonder if they’re imagining things PD traits, if maybe they’re misinterpreting reality PD traits, or are somehow to blame for the conflicts they keep having with their pwBPD loved one PD traits. It’s normal – and it’s a normal, healthy response in otherwise well-adjusted individuals who understand that, in every relationship, both parties play a part in what happens. Thing is, with pwBPD, all of the rules are twisted – sometimes you’re responsible, sometimes you’re not, one minute they accept responsibility and seek forgiveness, then as soon as you give it to them, they accuse you of blaming everything on them, when you try to explain yourself, YOU get accused of devaluing THEIR feelings – it goes on and on and on.

As hard as all that mess is for we adults to deal with, cuz the above sums up the dance pretty well, imagine what it's like for your children to deal with. To keep peace with mom they'll probably do whatever she wants from them, like call you and try to be the middleman (or middle-kid  ) And I don't think it will be up to you to try to fix their r/s with your wife, but to be your best self for them, yunno?

I read the first bit of this workshop on parental alienation and it looks to be a perfect thing for your situation! I plan to finish reading it, but I wanted to pass it on to you. The complex issue of alienated children Within the first couple of posts there was already a wealth of information and helpful tips.

Let me know what you think about the workshop.

[msm]

We had our first mediation meeting at the Center for Social Work yesterday. It was 2 hour long session with social worker, psychologist, legal representative. Actually it went very well. I was calm, focuses, I have suceeded to counterattack all her major lines of argumentation. In the end of the day, I have suceeded to acomplish all my golas and objectives. We have made agreement that all our 5 children will reunite in our house as of today. We have also made agreement that both of us will stay in the same house (in separate rooms) and that we will start to go to family counselling from the next week.

I have also had 6 hours long discussion with my wife about possible arrangements. Basically, I just wanted to make sure that our communication lines are clear and open at least. I also wanted to make sure that I need to make some kind of "trust building measures". We have discussed for the first time of details of interpersonal communication we need. It was insightful for me.

The purpose of this first mediation meeting was to make arrangements so that our children can start school year next week without any inconveniance and interruption. My wife has requested of course that she come back to house with all of our children and I move out and visit them. But I did not want to hear about that. Actually, in the end of the day, they have acceppted my counter proposal.

The next meeting is scheduled for September 16. It means that process of mediation will continue since we did not address issue of problems in our marriage... . I made sure that I am really not interested in divorce becuase I can not allow that we destroy everything just because of one disorder. I have mentioned for the first time that most of our marriage problems are due to this disorder. This of course did not resonate very well with my wife, and I did not hear any comments from the members of panel. But I am suspicious that it will be very difficult to make argument about BPD without official diagnose. I will see in what direction this will go... .

The bottom line - I will be with all of our children after 2,5 months, all reunited in our house and I hope we will start family counselling where I will address issue of parental allienation of our 2 oldest children. I know that not any family or marriage counselling can help with BPD, so I want to focus on children.

I guess this is really good for the beginning of mediation... .

[DreamFlyer99]

that SOUNDS like a good start! i'm so glad for you that it went well. 

[msm]

Hi, here I am back... .

I did not post for days (maybe weeks) because I was really consumed by newest developments, and a lot of work to do to stop bleeding and repair damage that was done... .

It is more than two weeks since we had our first mediation meeting. As I said, in my opinion it was really success. All 5 children are reunited in our home and my uBPDw also returned home. So we live together right now. We sleep in separate rooms. But do a lot of things together. I really try to help her with children and house.

It was very difficult in the first days. My wife was raging almost every day in the first week. Attacking me verbally, than trying to attack me physically. I was taking time out all the time. Just leaving the room. Than she changed her tactics. She made sure that she lock us in room, take key, or just corner me so I could not escape... .

In the meantime I have really realised how important it is to not fight back and how it is important to stop bleeding and not to make situation to worsen.

I have also tried some new communication techniques (mostly SET). But I need a lot of practice. And it did not work well to sooth her. But when she was calmer it helped a little.

Major breakthrough happened two days ago... .She cornered me and started to attack me verbally, than physically. I could not escape. Remained calmed. Fortunatelly, kids were in the school. And than, after she was trying to hit me, she suddenly "broke" and started to cry and than hugged me. She was really devastated. Like she was really realized what is going on. I was realised that she is really on the edge of nervous breakdown. These are very rare moments when she is aware of situation and her problems. After this happened, we had a long productive discussion. I have tried to persuade her that she needs to do something about controlling her rage. I have realised that this rage is the biggest problem right now. The next thing is handling of all kind of triggers that put her into mood swings leading to her uncontrolled rage.

As I said, in these very rare moments, she is really aware of her problems. She has admitted for the first time that she see that I really try to change things in my behaviour. And I said that I would really like to help her to change some things ih her behaviours. BUT I CAN NOT DO THAT FOR HER.

Our oldest kids are also starting to realise that major problems in our relationship are related with "mom being mad at dad"... .

When we have these rare moments, I make sure that we make all kind of arrangements that are of practical importance (management of our business, finances, etc... .), because she is ready to make a lot of compromises in these very rare moments.

I am 100% sure now about my role in this relationship at this moment. Since I am probably the only person that really UNDERSTAND what is going on with my wife, I think I have really responsibility to act accordingly. I am aware that I can not help her, but I can encourage her to try to help herself. Most of the time, she is in complete denial regarding BPD. She thinks that she does not have any problems at all. She is deflecting any kind of responsibility for any of her problematic behaviour actions. I am really starting to think that she is really BPD type personality, because these ill behaviours are untreated for decades and these behaviours are already deeply entrenched in her personality in the form of stable personality traits... .

Having in mind that my wife is really HIGH functioning BPD, my key challenge is how to persuade her to start to do something to control her emotions, especially uncontrolled rage. I have realised that I need to focus on one thing at the time. And her "rage lion" is my first priority. So, I try to persuade her that we do some fittness training together, swimming, to try some relaxation techniques. I am also working hard to persuade her to try some mindfullness excersizes. I am also considering to start some other meditation techniques (YOGA for example)... .

I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IF ANYONE CAN RECOMMEND WORKSHOPS, THREADS ABOUT HOW TO WORK WITH HIGH FUNCTIONING BPDs THAT ARE LIVING IN COMPLETE DENIALS ABOUT THEIR CONDITIONS AND HOW TO START SOME KIND OF ACTIONS (NOT THERAPIES) JUST TO HELP THEM TO TAKE SOME CONTROLS OVER THEIR EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTERS... .

Our next mediation meeting is on Monday. My wife and me never mentioned this next mediation meeting and frankly I do not know what to expect. Since she initiated this process, she can only stop it. This mediation can take up to three months when the Center for Social Work try to do some mediation in the marriage. If they do not succeed, than the whole process goes to the Court. It is very likely that my wife will drop her request and that we will conclude mediation with success... .

The major issue for the first mediation was arrangement with children and how to share access to children. We have agreed that our children would visit their both grandparents every second week, without staying over night, in accordance with our mutual agrreement. But my wife immediately started to violate this agreement taking our babies to her parents without my approval. I did not want to make big deal out of this, just to show her my willingness to do some healing. She said two days ago that she really does not have problem with that our children visit my parents two... .And this was really good. I was trying to avoid conflicts, so I did not want to push for this... .

I try to persuade myself that all of these manoeuvres that I make are not something related to the "walking on eggshells". I have realised that it is easier sometimes to tell small lie, just not to mention triggers that will put her in her rage mode... .

This is really challenging for me because I want to make sure that I do not play dances with her and "walking on eggshells" anymore.

There is also really positive development in my relation with two oldest children, my son and daughter. We have really reconnected. Ok, my oldest son is really still reserved, but at least he calls me "dad". We did not yet start to go to family counselling, but I am not going to drop that. I will insist on this. Not because I beleive it will help us... .I just want to show to our oldest children that I am ready to do whatever takes to improve our relationships. And also, I need to have someone outside of our family who will help our oldest children to understand what is really going on in their relations with their father.

I am contemplating about using this mediation process as some kind of tool to "press" my wife to do some real changes in her behaviour. For example, I have realised it is difficult to expect that pwBPDs will stick with agreements, but they are careful about not violiting them directly. Speaking about this, I have just realised that my position for the next mediation meeting is that I am really pleased with development of situation and that the next phase of improving situation will be to stop all kind of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse... .This might put some pressure on my wife to start to think about consequences in her next "lion rage"... .

In the very end, this the most horrific summer we had so far took very high toll on relationships in our wider family. Parents of my wife do not communicate anymore with my parents (they did not have any problems in 17 years of our marriage). The father of my wife was manipulated by my wife and attacked verbally my mom. He said very mean words about me, my family, etc... .So I do not communicate with the father of my wife either. We did not have any problems in our communications for 17 years. Than, my wife does not communicate at all with my parents and my family. All our neighbours, families are aware of public scandals and our problems so we are really subject of a lot of "mean gossips"... .

But I guess, this should not be high on my priorities list. However, I made sure that my wife understands that we have made a lot of demage this summer and that she should try to do some demage control... .

Anyway, overall, really two good weeks behind us... .I have a lot of work to do... .

So, see you im my next post... .