When close friends hinder more then help

[Ironmanrises]

One of the things that truly hurts in the aftermath of such toxic relationships is the lack of support you will encounter from supposed close friends.

Try explaining even a little bit of "splitting", "painting black/white", push-pull behavior, and what not to others and watch their facial expressions. Their eyes begin to glaze over. They start to look away. And then... .

They start to tell you... . "Get over it"... . "Move on"... . "She did you a favor"... . Right. Meanwhile... . You are still trying to reconcile in your head the 2 vastly different personas that encompass your SO with this illness. If i can't even get my closest friends to listen to me... . in essence they sort of become as invalidating as the persona that your SO turns into at the end. I no longer speak of this to my closest friends.

I still tumble.

[Perfidy]

Yup that's what happens. There is a thing on here called shell shocked some where. Don't ask me where but if you haven't read it do so. It mentions that nobody will understand. Like having an exotic disease. No. You can't just get over it. Seems that the total insensitivity we receive as nons from the pwBPD rips us right down to the core. If we have core wounds then those are reopened and by the way I feel, a fresh one is also inflicted. So yes, it is a new experience for me to suffer at the level that I have been suffering at. Intense relationship. Intense suffering. It really sucks but I am slowly getting better. It is without a doubt a healing process that takes time. It's like getting hit by a bus then having someone tell you... . HEY... SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON. Won't happen.

[LoneWolf768]

Perfidy and Ironmanfalls, I drove some of my closest lady friends crazy talking about my ex BPD'er. I actually lost one of my friendships over this because I became too obsessive. Analyzing everything, going over it again and again, trying to make sense of what happened, talking about the same things that I had no idea I was repeating... . it got to be too much for her.

She was actually a close, close friend who was pulled into the middle of mine and my ex's issues... . by my ex! She tried to keep the peace but my ex began telling her only HER side of the story. She began to get irritated with me thinking I was starting everything. Then, after everything imploded, she eventually realized that she wasn't hearing both sides. It caused some tension between she and I.

After my ex threatened me with the police by sending my close lady friend a text. She did this same thing in May when I was talking to a friend of my ex's, who turned out to be a backstabber because she talked lots of BS on me AND my ex. (I was blamed for calling her late night and laughed at that accusation because that would give my # away, and I have no idea how to keep my # from showing up on someone's caller ID. I never had a reason to keep my # private and didn't see the need to now), my close lady friend fired off an incredibly angry text to my ex telling her she needed to grow up, stop blaming everyone for the way her life is, to stop whining about being in a marriage of convenience, to get a job and create a better life for herself. She really ripped her a new one regarding how she lied about professing her undying love for me since 2009 (something she did with another man in 2010), ridiculed my ex for her seduction practices, told her she had no reason to talk badly of me and tell people I was a sick and a psycho when she was just as much to blame for everything that happened, told her she needed psychological help and said to never contact her again and blocked her # from her phone, blocked her on Facebook and told her not to blame me because I had nothing to do with her sending the text because my friend told her 'I told him I'd never contact you back because I wasn't going to feed into your sick need to create drama' and basically insisted she get help if not for her, for her daughters sake.  I never thought this friend of mine had that type of fire in her. She sent me a copy of the text and I froze. I called her and told her that this would most likely cause my ex to follow through with pursuing legal action against me. She calmed me down and told me I had nothing to worry about since there was never anything threatening IM's, texts, emails or voice messages and what was she going to do? Tell the judge I contacted her friend? If that's all she had to go on, it wasn't going to hold up. She countered by telling me to show proof that my ex had at one time harassed me and sent me some risque pictures. At that point I was ready to just dig a hole and bury myself.

After a day or two, I asked my lady friend why she still had my ex's # in her phone. She said it was she could recognize her # when she texted those ridiculous threats. Maybe it was exhaustion, confusion, lack of trust... . a combination of two or all three... . but I accused her of being in league with my ex. That set her off completely and that's when she came at me by calling me 'pathetic' and that hurt. Still does. She said I was pathetic because I was so obsessed with how this thing fell apart and things my ex did that I suspected she did and were later confirmed (by her backstabbing friend). I mean, it was bad enough to lose my ex and now my close lady friend, my BFF in a sense? I told her that this wasn't a by-the-book breakup. I told her if she researched BPD and post -breakup details, she'd understand why it's difficult for people to get over something like this. You guys are absolutely correct when you speak of people who have never felt this type of pain and all the can say 'You need to let it go', 'You need to get over this', and 'F*** her, man'. Only someone who's experienced this type of hurt and every other bad emotion that comes with it and/or a licensed psycho therapist, psychiatrist and psychologist would understand how this feels and how to go about healing.

I told her owed me an apology for calling me pathetic and she refused. She took me off her friends list on Facebook and blocked me. 3 years of a close friendship down the drain. And for what?

Most of my lady friends were very, very supportive and each had their own intelligent, personal and psychological slant on what happened. Broke down her mannerisms and characteristics.  They seemed to know what I was feeling but they were all just as confused why I couldn't get past it because my ex and I only dated for 3 months and this woman is FAR from normal. I actually had no idea what BPD was until, after explaining in great detail my relationship with my ex, one friend told me to research BPD. So help from my friends both helped and hindered my healing.

If anyone I know would come to me and try and explain to me their pain from a breakup with someone with BPD, I can now say I know how they feel.   

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, it gets too much for them, listening to all this stuff.  Firstly, they don't understand it if they are not aware of BPD (as almost all of us didn't understand it in the beginning), then we go on and on and on like a broken record and end up giving them an ear bashing. Its not pleasant for our friends.

Depending on their level of interest and understanding, I will only tell them as much as they want to hear. I use my therapist for downloading and helping me overcome the bull___ I am soaked in and only tell my friends what they can handle. Sometimes we need to know when to stop and in our condition that's hard to gauge so no need to hold it against them.

As I said, anyone not familiar with BPD or who wouldn't accept the things we accepted will not understand. I know it can be disappointing but you might just go easy on them and save it for the therapist. It's not that they don't care, they just can't handle it or understand why you did it.

[Trick1004]

That wasn't my experience at all.

My close friends and for the most part my family have been supportive, just as confused, and understanding for me during the past three months. They know my character and like me aren't able to understand how she could just up and leave the way she did and have done nothing but tell me this isn't the normal way someone exits a r/s.

I've also tried not to dwell on and constantly bring it up around them. It does get old and starts sounding like a broken record. However, I do know they see the pain it caused me and they know me well enough to recognize that it killed a part of me inside. I've unloaded enough on them and don't need to continually do it.

[Ironmanrises]

To all... .

I just feel after all the rejection that is thrown from your SO towards you... . The last place you would expect to find it is from other people who are close to you. Almost as if they are kicking you(intentionally or not) while you are still reeling from having been in an abusive relationship. I don't expect them to understand, I get that... . I just wanted them to hear me. It's why I was able to find so much solace in this forum of anonymous people. Thank you for reading my words.

Ironmanfalls

[sadinnc98]

I have dear friend married to a BPD... . so she "gets it"... . and so I feel very comfortable confiding in her-she understands me, understands the disorder, etc... and we can commiserate together.

Outside of that, no one else "gets it"... . I know its "his loss" "you are better off" "he doesnt deserve you" "be glad to be rid of him"... . I hear all of that and I know people are trying to help... but its just not that easy... Being involved with and breaking up with a BPD is a whole different ballgame. I know everyone is sick of hearing it. I am sick of talking about it. I know I need to move on... but I don't know how...

[Hazelrah]

For the most part, friends and family have actually been quite willing to listen to me drone on about my separation.  I don't have a huge support system, but I've had a good mix of help... . friends that have been through divorce, a brother that knows I can't yet handle being alone all of the time, and those just willing to listen to the intricacies of both the relationship and the illness.  I am really thankful for all of their patience, since this has been a truly devastating situation that I am recovering from at a snail's pace.   

I think I have grown tired of talking about it with my T... . the focus really needs to come back to me in order to grow out of the personality traits and self-esteem issues that led me to the relationship in the first place.

[bpdspell]

In the early beginnings of my breakup I depended on a real close friend to make it through the night. I cried on her shoulder nightly like a baby to a pacifier.

The breakup was so raw that I felt like I had been dropped off the highest point of the Brooklyn Bridge. My friend listened a great deal and showed much compassion but after a while our friends do not have the tools or skills to handle the "devastation" and  "grief" that comes with a BPD breakup. In all honesty our friends aren't built for that and we really shouldn't expect them to understand BPD if they've never been enshrined in the toxic dance.

That is what BPD family is for and our therapists. That way our emotional release is more focused, cathartic, and directional.

After six weeks of crying and not wanting to leave my apt my girlfriend told me to "get over it." I had become sort of a nuisance. And boy did it hurt like hell to hear that but I also realized that I had been over-using my friend as a crutch and it wasn't fair to her.

Close friends have their limits. Some are more compassionate than others but ultimately they lack the skills necessary to validate our experience.

Spell

[LoneWolf768]

In the early beginnings of my breakup I depended on a real close friend to make it through the night. I cried on her shoulder nightly like a baby to a pacifier.

The breakup was so raw that I felt like I had been dropped off the highest point of the Brooklyn Bridge. My friend listened a great deal and showed much compassion but after a while our friends do not have the tools or skills to handle the "devastation" and  "grief" that comes with a BPD breakup. In all honesty our friends aren't built for that and we really shouldn't expect them to understand BPD if they've never been enshrined in the toxic dance.

That is what BPD family is for and our therapists. That way our emotional release is more focused, cathartic, and directional.

After six weeks of crying and not wanting to leave my apt my girlfriend told me to "get over it." I had become sort of a nuisance. And boy did it hurt like hell to hear that but I also realized that I had been over-using my friend as a crutch and it wasn't fair to her.

Close friends have their limits. Some are more compassionate than others but ultimately they lack the skills necessary to validate our experience.

Spell

Very, very well written post, Spell. I can related to what it felt like when they dropped the axe on us. We all have our different descriptions of how we felt and still feel.  Getting dropped fro the highest point of the Brooklyn Bridge? Yeah, I'll agree with that as far as how I felt, too.


I honestly think I should've just kept my bantering for my therapist but talking constantly about it is what led to my close lady friend cutting off all ties with me. That, and accusing her of still being social with her to some degree. I'm sure that was a bigger reason.

Still, this whole thing has been a major blow to my life as I'm sure all of our dealing with BPD'ers has been and still is. I just hope we all come out of this better, stronger and more educated than we were prior and don't take any of the bad elements into our next relationships.

[aloha1983]

My mum has been amazing, mainly because my BPD exboyfriend tried to manipulate and suck her into his lies. She was amazed at how much he changed while we dated.

Outside of that, friends were good at listening to the basics but I'm saving the nitty gritty for a therapist.