Hit my breaking point and I'm ashamed. Any advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Let's start with the main parts of yesterday.  uBPDh has Dr appt 20 miles away.  Going to take my car, better gas mileage.  I gave him $20 (my last 20) the evening before and reminded that is for gas for your appt and the shoes that need picked up from the repair shop.  I call yesterday morning to remind him of his appt and that the car needs gas so to get to my work early enough to get it.  He says ok.  He goes to his appt and never puts in gas.  He calls on the way back with 7 miles to go and says... . the gas light just came on (in my model, that means about 10-12 miles left).  I said I reminded him to put in gas and he says he knows but he only has $6 left from the $20.  He got cigarettes and blah blah blah. (I'm still catching up from last month being short and I'm short around 300 on bills right now, he's lucky I was going to pick up his shoes). I figure he'll use the $6 to put in gas.  He brings my car back and I ask about gas and he said he'll figure out the money thing.  I had to drive 5 miles after work to pick up my daughter and my friend's kids from school and make it home... . with the gas light on.  No money.  No time.  I make it to the school and home. 

He comes home and is decent but on edge, so I tread lightly.  He's nitpicky, so he's looking for a fight and I keep my distance.  He gave me a $20 for gas and whatever we need.  He then asks for it back and says he'll go put gas in my car.  He calls to say he needs to run to his employee's house and he put in $8 in gas ? so I have quarter of a tank.  I just said OK cause I know he's wanting a fight.  He stays gone 2 hours and I text and ask where he is and no answer.  I wait 20 min and ask again and no answer. He finally texts back and says he is at his brother's and sends me a pic to "prove" it.  Whatever.  Stay gone, it's peaceful here right now.

He gets home and is pissy.  I try to stay upbeat, but he's boiling under the surface, I can feel it.  I just keep quiet and try to be snuggly like he likes.  I hemmed and took in the jeans he wanted, got little things done, hoped he would be happy with it, not enough, I guess... .

He has a bad dream in the middle of the night and I wake him like he requests that I do.  He gets mad at me and pushes me away hard.  I asked what's wrong and he just mumbled something about sometimes... . ok again... . whatever. I lie there not sleeping most the rest of the night.  He wakes me up at 5 (I get up at 530) so we can read the bible and we can discuss later what we've read, but 530 is when I get up to do it.  He was still pissy, I could feel it.  I let the dog out because he won't.  It's my daughter's job but she's still asleep and the dog needs out, so I did it.  He was unhappy I did because it's her job and she's just being lazy. I don't want her painted black today so I told him it's my fault, I could hear the dog whining and so I didn't want him to wait longer so I let him out.  He said to wake up my D9 10 min earlier.  I said OK.

Then, he started in on something else, I can't even remember, but it cycled back around to people being lazy. I just said ok, mumbled it actually, he stopped me in the middle of brushing my teeth and I HAD to LISTEN to him and apparently he thinks that means I cna't spit and listen at the same time. I just said OK.

I was helping my D9 with her hair and I was talkign to her and honestly, my brain is so overloaded I couldn't even remember about what, he comes to the bathroom saying HONEY and I said "what" too fast because I'm getting stressed. I immediately apologize for my tone and then calmly ask "what do you need, honey?".  Too late, I gave him his ammo.  He asked what I answered her with I understand about and I was trying to answer the question, but I seriously couldn't remember what she said... . and I really don't think I even said that becasue it woudln't have pertained to the conversation we were having.  So D9 tries to tell him what our conversation was about and it didn't have anything to have an I understand answer, so I think now he was making it up?

Well, fireworks begin. I can't deal with it anymore, I can usually take a lot, but I snapped, too.  I threw my flatiron and D9 says, I'll get my stuff and goes in the other room.  He walks off.  I take a few minutes and he's telling my D9 how people should apologize when they are wrong and jsut because they are having stress they shouldn't take it out on others (REALLY!).  I go in and calmly say I'm sorry, I shouldn' have snapped at you.  He said ok and then asked what has been bothering me to make me so touchy this morning.  I think, well... . he's calm, maybe he really wants to know and at this point IDC anywy.  I tel him I was confused about last night and when on to tell him about a family issue that came up and he went off about me blaming him and blah blah.  I said I'm not blaming you, I'm just letthing you know what's stressing me and that confused me but it's my fault I snapped like I did and it's separate.  Not good enough.  He threw something at me and called me a C*NT and a bunch of other hateful things.  My D9 is outside waiting an dshe hears this and sees me snap and I dropped my soda and it broke and sprayed (yay) all over and then I threw my keys at him and yelled back.  I look out and D9 is crying.  I stopped and walked out the door.  I apologized to her and now IDK what to do becasue I won't have her raised with that kind of surrounding.  I was and it damaged me and he was and obviously it damaged him.

He comes out to tell me he's leaving and I don't love him and treat him like sh!t, etc... . we've all heard it.  I have a job I can't afford to lose, so I left.

Any suggestions?  I'm ashamed at my reaction, but I seriously can't take any more nitpicking and tiptoeing and never doing anything right.

[wishfulthinking]

Let's start with the main parts of yesterday.  uBPDh has Dr appt 20 miles away.  Going to take my car, better gas mileage.  I gave him $20 (my last 20) the evening before and reminded that is for gas for your appt and the shoes that need picked up from the repair shop.  I call yesterday morning to remind him of his appt and that the car needs gas so to get to my work early enough to get it.  He says ok.  He goes to his appt and never puts in gas.  He calls on the way back with 7 miles to go and says... . the gas light just came on (in my model, that means about 10-12 miles left).  I said I reminded him to put in gas and he says he knows but he only has $6 left from the $20.  He got cigarettes and blah blah blah. (I'm still catching up from last month being short and I'm short around 300 on bills right now, he's lucky I was going to pick up his shoes). I figure he'll use the $6 to put in gas.  He brings my car back and I ask about gas and he said he'll figure out the money thing.  I had to drive 5 miles after work to pick up my daughter and my friend's kids from school and make it home... . with the gas light on.  No money.  No time.  I make it to the school and home. 

He comes home and is decent but on edge, so I tread lightly.  He's nitpicky, so he's looking for a fight and I keep my distance.  He gave me a $20 for gas and whatever we need.  He then asks for it back and says he'll go put gas in my car.  He calls to say he needs to run to his employee's house and he put in $8 in gas ? so I have quarter of a tank.  I just said OK cause I know he's wanting a fight.  He stays gone 2 hours and I text and ask where he is and no answer.  I wait 20 min and ask again and no answer. He finally texts back and says he is at his brother's and sends me a pic to "prove" it.  Whatever.  Stay gone, it's peaceful here right now.

He gets home and is pissy.  I try to stay upbeat, but he's boiling under the surface, I can feel it.  I just keep quiet and try to be snuggly like he likes.  I hemmed and took in the jeans he wanted, got little things done, hoped he would be happy with it, not enough, I guess... .

He has a bad dream in the middle of the night and I wake him like he requests that I do.  He gets mad at me and pushes me away hard.  I asked what's wrong and he just mumbled something about sometimes... . ok again... . whatever. I lie there not sleeping most the rest of the night.  He wakes me up at 5 (I get up at 530) so we can read the bible and we can discuss later what we've read, but 530 is when I get up to do it.  He was still pissy, I could feel it.  I let the dog out because he won't.  It's my daughter's job but she's still asleep and the dog needs out, so I did it.  He was unhappy I did because it's her job and she's just being lazy. I don't want her painted black today so I told him it's my fault, I could hear the dog whining and so I didn't want him to wait longer so I let him out.  He said to wake up my D9 10 min earlier.  I said OK.

Then, he started in on something else, I can't even remember, but it cycled back around to people being lazy. I just said ok, mumbled it actually, he stopped me in the middle of brushing my teeth and I HAD to LISTEN to him and apparently he thinks that means I cna't spit and listen at the same time. I just said OK.

I was helping my D9 with her hair and I was talkign to her and honestly, my brain is so overloaded I couldn't even remember about what, he comes to the bathroom saying HONEY and I said "what" too fast because I'm getting stressed. I immediately apologize for my tone and then calmly ask "what do you need, honey?".  Too late, I gave him his ammo.  He asked what I answered her with I understand about and I was trying to answer the question, but I seriously couldn't remember what she said... . and I really don't think I even said that becasue it woudln't have pertained to the conversation we were having.  So D9 tries to tell him what our conversation was about and it didn't have anything to have an I understand answer, so I think now he was making it up?

Well, fireworks begin. I can't deal with it anymore, I can usually take a lot, but I snapped, too.  I threw my flatiron and D9 says, I'll get my stuff and goes in the other room.  He walks off.  I take a few minutes and he's telling my D9 how people should apologize when they are wrong and jsut because they are having stress they shouldn't take it out on others (REALLY!).  I go in and calmly say I'm sorry, I shouldn' have snapped at you.  He said ok and then asked what has been bothering me to make me so touchy this morning.  I think, well... . he's calm, maybe he really wants to know and at this point IDC anywy.  I tel him I was confused about last night and when on to tell him about a family issue that came up and he went off about me blaming him and blah blah.  I said I'm not blaming you, I'm just letthing you know what's stressing me and that confused me but it's my fault I snapped like I did and it's separate.  Not good enough.  He threw something at me and called me a C*NT and a bunch of other hateful things.  My D9 is outside waiting an dshe hears this and sees me snap and I dropped my soda and it broke and sprayed (yay) all over and then I threw my keys at him and yelled back.  I look out and D9 is crying.  I stopped and walked out the door.  I apologized to her and now IDK what to do becasue I won't have her raised with that kind of surrounding.  I was and it damaged me and he was and obviously it damaged him.

He comes out to tell me he's leaving and I don't love him and treat him like sh!t, etc... . we've all heard it.  I have a job I can't afford to lose, so I left.

Any suggestions?  I'm ashamed at my reaction, but I seriously can't take any more nitpicking and tiptoeing and never doing anything right.

[Validation78]

Hey Lost!

First of all, take a deep breath, and think about forgiving yourself for reacting in a way that most of us have, in very similar situations. Until we learn how to react, in a healthy manner, and in a way helpful when dealing with pwBPD, we just do whatever comes naturally, which is sometimes the same way the pwBPD is behaving, which is of course unproductive. It's alright, you are human, and he is pushing you beyond your boundaries.

It takes time to learn how not to walk on eggshells, and respond to BPD behaviors. That's what the work on The Staying Board is all about. It's hard, takes commitment and time. There is a lot to learn, and you can do that over time, if you intend to stay in this marriage. For now, I would look at the workshop about Wise Mind. It will help you to regulate your emotions and reactions. Once you get past this moment, you can buck up on the other communication lessons like JADE, Validation, SET, etc.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.msg619341#msg619341

Best Wishes,

Val78

[wishfulthinking]

I've been working very hard on SET and it HELPS!  I have been able to defuse quite a few potential rages by using it. Validating helps even better.  I have found that by validating, it keeps his focus of whatever is actually setting him off... on whatever that trigger is.  He won't switch it to me in most cases.  This week has been hard for him, though.  I'm trying to be very supportive.  He was SEARCHING for a fight, though.  I could feel it.  I'm not sure how to handle that.  As for now, he says he will be moved out by the time I get home.  Part of me is broken hearted because I do love this man more than I loved anyone, and part of me is relieved and kind of hoping he does because today, I'm at my breaking point.  Tomorrow I may be full of sorrow over it.

Thanks so much Val78!  You are always so helpful.  I do feel like crap for snapping like that, though.  I NEVER get like that.  I grew up in violence and never want my D9 to live like that and I'm so very ashamed.

[Validation78]

I have no doubt that he was looking for a fight! What's good about it, is that you could feel it! Here's where your new tools kick in! First though, you must get your own emotions in check. If you can't do that, walk away, take a time out until you can. If neither of you can get your emotions under control, it will likely result in what you've seen here, and likely many other times. If you're in control, using the tools, and he is getting dysregulated anyway, take a time out. I assure you, he cannot hear a thing you say if he is already dysregulated. The best thing you can do for yourself, for your relationship, and for him, is to walk away, take a time out. He needs to learn how to self soothe, you cannot do this for him!

Keep working on the tools. As you have said, many of them are working and helping. I really think the Wise Mind workshop will help you too. Right now you need to focus on your emotions, and forgiving yourself for your response. Make up your mind to do it differently next time. One thing you can count on, is more attempts to practice. You will get better.

You can explain, in an age appropriate manner, to your daughter, that this was not the best way to handle this situation. If you are committed to not repeating a cycle you were exposed to, confront it, in a healthy and open way!

Let me know what you think about the Wise Mind workshop. I took a long time to really get it all, and I have a good handle on it now, and use it every day!

Best Wishes,

Val78