Fooling around..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Last night my uBPD gf called me after a period of nc. I had delivered a gift to her friend for her birthday that we had picked out together since I wouldn't be able to make the party. Said friend obviously called my gf after to thank her and it broke her cycle of nc.

During the call we discussed things that we have both disliked in our relationship and we resolved every single one of them. More were her fault (hitting, raging, not trusting me not to cheat etc) but I had some too. I set boundaries and she actually liked them. I told her if she got angry at me and raged, i wouldn't talk with her until she calms down, and she said that's what she had hoped I would have done all along. there was a real happiness in her voice at this point

After discussing these things however, she decides to do an entire 180. Her plan for this week was to "see if she can go a week without me, and see if she can survive". she remembered that at this point and tells me she was unable to last the week. she doesn't like relying on me. she misses the thrill of a new relationship and pursuing me and maybe what WE need is to take a break and see other people so we can appreciate each other more. this was a huge red flag for me. I told her that it would belittle everything we've done in the past year if we put it aside to experiment with others, and that's not what i want. if she wants to fool around with other guys, I won't be waiting around at the finish line. I said she needs to decide if she wants to be in a potentially long term and meaningful relationship with me, or seek out another guy for the sake of getting that temporary thrill again. every relationship has that at the start, but normal people (I did not tell her this) continue to enjoy moments like this even after a relationship levels out. she told me she needs some time to think about what she wants, and that did not sit well with me. If she wants to fool around with someone else, I won't even be salty about things ending... just irritated with myself for sticking around and caring for her this long. The one thing I will be upset about is that I won't have a chance to employ some effective BPD methods to keeping her grounded which I learned in the past few weeks... . and the next guy will probably be too dense to even consider the fact that she is mentally ill

[dotSlash]

Last night my uBPD gf called me after a period of nc. I had delivered a gift to her friend for her birthday that we had picked out together since I wouldn't be able to make the party. Said friend obviously called my gf after to thank her and it broke her cycle of nc.

During the call we discussed things that we have both disliked in our relationship and we resolved every single one of them. More were her fault (hitting, raging, not trusting me not to cheat etc) but I had some too. I set boundaries and she actually liked them. I told her if she got angry at me and raged, i wouldn't talk with her until she calms down, and she said that's what she had hoped I would have done all along. there was a real happiness in her voice at this point

After discussing these things however, she decides to do an entire 180. Her plan for this week was to "see if she can go a week without me, and see if she can survive". she remembered that at this point and tells me she was unable to last the week. she doesn't like relying on me. she misses the thrill of a new relationship and pursuing me and maybe what WE need is to take a break and see other people so we can appreciate each other more. this was a huge red flag for me. I told her that it would belittle everything we've done in the past year if we put it aside to experiment with others, and that's not what i want. if she wants to fool around with other guys, I won't be waiting around at the finish line. I said she needs to decide if she wants to be in a potentially long term and meaningful relationship with me, or seek out another guy for the sake of getting that temporary thrill again. every relationship has that at the start, but normal people (I did not tell her this) continue to enjoy moments like this even after a relationship levels out. she told me she needs some time to think about what she wants, and that did not sit well with me. If she wants to fool around with someone else, I won't even be salty about things ending... just irritated with myself for sticking around and caring for her this long. The one thing I will be upset about is that I won't have a chance to employ some effective BPD methods to keeping her grounded which I learned in the past few weeks... . and the next guy will probably be too dense to even consider the fact that she is mentally ill

[Validation78]

Hey Dot!

Glad you at least had an opportunity to discuss some issues with her. Sounds to me like she feels she has the upper hand in all of this though. She put out a bit of bait (breaking silence, and you were willing to talk, and take her back). Here you go, push/pull. Now she knows you are willing, and she thinks she's got you!

Here's where you can employ some of the tools you've learned. A huge boundary setting test comes to mind. That being, it is not alright with you, that she runs around with other guys, while she decides if she can survive without you. You can decide what to do with this information, and what she does, is up to her. The ball is in your court friend! Do what upholds your values and boundaries!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[dotSlash]

Thanks Validation. I realize I have given her some "power" back, however as soon as she called I dove right into my pre-planned speech about how she has not been treating me with respect lately and here is what needs to change. She honestly listened and was emotional and apologizing for how she has acted. I told her I realize there's things I have done too and they need to change, and there was real closure and agreement on everything.

Of course 15min after that closure her thoughts drifted to the fact that she hadn't wanted to talk to me all week and the storm of insecurity arose again. I have told her in the past and re-iterated it last night: I have a zero tolerance policy for cheating, and I told her taking a break to fool around i see is essentially the same thing. Its the fact that even after that, she still wanted to think about it after that which irritated me and removed nearly any optimism I had left for salvaging anything good out of this

[Validation78]

So, how do you plan to proceed and convey your boundaries?

[dotSlash]

I told her that I need to know what she wants by the end of tomorrow (before she goes to her friends bday party). She told me that she feels like maybe she doesn't deserve to have found me this early. I asked what that meant. She said I am like the perfect guy (painted white) she feels she should end up with, but she has found me so early in her life that she feels she doesn't deserve to have me until she has been through more relationships to get to this perfect one. I told her she needs to decide if she wants to contitue this relationship with me or not, because if not, I won't be around later for that perfect one again

[Validation78]

Good luck, however it turns out.

Give careful thought to her words though, even if she picks you for now. She might mean what she is saying. In fact, she probably does, and where will this leave you later?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[dotSlash]

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. And I know what you mean and am cautious about it myself. Up until now, and especially last night to some degree, it seems I have had a very positive influence on her; motivating her to get work, keeping her calm during stressful times, and grounding her when she flips out - only in the past month has this really been a challenge for me. I may make mistakes and not always learn from them (it took me many "fights" to realize that fighting back is simply not a solution, and only recently did I just walk away and give her time to cool down, as she always wanted me to), but I know when I've been spinning my wheels too long and will most definitely choose to move on for good.

[dotSlash]

Yesterday we had a discussion when she called me. Told me how sweet, funny and great I was and how she really did love me. Then asked if I would be okay being on a break. I said I would not be okay if that meant seeing other people, because to me seeing another person then reconnecting is like cheating on the relationship we've spent a year building. She told me it's not the fling she wants, she just feels like I am "the one" she should end up with in the end, and if she keeps making mistakes (rages) she'll lose me. I told her that was ridiculous and you should be making mistakes with someone you care about so you can grow as a couple and better the relationship - this wasn't what she wanted to hear. What she wanted to hear was "let's take a break for a while, date some other people, then reconnect and marry when we're older, because then you'll have learned from all your mistakes and we'll be in a perfect relationship" - an obvious fantasy

She did a complete 180 from earlier, said she is not sure if she loves me (despite having said it minutes ago) and maybe she's in the relationship for all the wrong reasons - maybe we should just take some time apart. I said okay. There is no convincing someone with BPD when they're in the state she was. She called me six times later that night, while I was asleep, and in the morning I asked why. She said she wanted to talk and see if I was "doing okay". Somewhat irritated, I asked if she was doing okay, because my feelings haven't changed overnight, and she said "I'm fine" and hung up.

Just last week when we went out together, the night ended with her pulling me in close and saying she truly loved me more than anything. Nothing has changed. Insecurity has crept it's way back in and it's so awful, the kind of thoughts that bounce around in her head, which are literally crashing and burning a year of time spent together for no reason at all

[popeye6031]

Hi Dot,

Very sorry to hear of your issues with your gf.  I know this is hard to hear but the best advice I can give you is to get out of this and walk a very long way.  I went through something very similar with a girl for a year and a half.  She gave me all the "you are the one I want to end up with", "we met too early", "you are the perfect guy", "I love you so much"... . blah, blah.  And all she wanted was for me to be there when things were not good or not going well with other guys and be the shoulder to lean on when ever she was feeling down about herself.  It absolutely drove me nuts and eventually I told her I had enough.  Cut me up for a very long time but I look back now and think how lucky I was not to have stick around.

If you do decide to walk away, she will definitely try to pull you back in but it will be just to make her feel better and very likely she will go back to this way of her thinking.  And maybe one day, 10 years down the line, she could decide that, yes, you should be together.  But are you willing to go through the years of misery to get to that point?

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[SweetCharlotte]

I concur with Popeye that your only alternative right now is to say to her, "Sure, we'll take a break and then take up where we left off later. Take care of yourself."

Internally, you would be seeing it as the break-up. For the best recovery, you would then block her number and go NC. If she ever succeeds in confronting you about it (with luck she will not), just tell her that the break is not over yet.

Maybe it's time to revise your view of past history and stop maintaining that you two have been building a relationship for a year, only to have it crash and burn. You have also stated that it was 11 months of on-again off-again. The latter is the view to run with.

[dotSlash]

Thanks for the kind words popeye and charlotte, and I totally get you. Today she called me up very late and I didn't answer. Then she txt'd me saying she wanting to talk about something. So I answered the next call, and she started to just make smalltalk with me as if we were still a couple, for an hour or so. She tells me how she was at a party tonight with friends and she told some guys who were hitting on her how she was taken (me). Then later in the conversation I mentioned a nostalgic old time we shared and she said I probably shouldn't be mentioning that since we're currently separated. I was pretty irritated by this and asked her if she was able to unconditionally love someone, because that's what I wanted - this triggered her. She then brings up her first love, some guy from many years ago in hs, telling me that he was in only one he ever unconditionally loved, and that if he was here right now, she would be with him. That was enough for me. I told her I wanted a real relationship and did not to be the close friend she calls up to chat with whenever she is bored or wants to vent. I said I treat our relationship seriously, and the feelings are serious, and if she is not interested in unconditional love, we should just end things now. She hung up. Then sent me a txt a few hours later asking if I wanted to chat. I sent her a txt saying I am not interested in someone who is willing to drop me at the flip of a hat

[hurtbyboderline]

It's easier to say than to do but; "Run Forest Run"... . You didn't break her & you can't fix her... . Now if I could only follow my own advice... .   xxx

[popeye6031]

As most are saying here dot, you got to run from this.  It will be a very difficult thing to do but for your own state of mind,  health and happiness it is the only solution. You are going to be her emotional crutch while she goes out and enjoys herself.  

And be cautious of her giving you bits of information about guys that like her and how she was not interested because she had you.

I heard this many times from my past relationship with a uBPD gf and my current relationship.  I have found out that, at least in a handful of these disclosures, that things went further. 

Telling you only what she wants you to know keeps you hanging in there.

[dotSlash]

That's such a horrible thought and obviously something I do not want. I was pretty stern and harsh last night, but what was said was simply not cool, and I told her I am simply not interested anymore because of it - interested in being her "best friend" (which she currently believes is better for us now, because she "should have have made more mistakes before being with someone as perfect as me" or her partner.