When does it get better? The pain is so bad :(

[sadinnc98]

I haven't posted much in the past couple of days because I am truly miserable. I know uBPDexbf has met someone. I have not SEEN evidence persay, but I know him, I know his patterns, etc... and he is off. After 30 recycles... I know.  He reached out last weekend after 3 days NC... after he broke it off.  He has texted me daily but it is more "platonic"... usually when he comes back/recycles, he is using terms of endearment, texting throughout the day, texting good morning/good night, etc... . well none of that has come to fruition THIS time.  Its all very generic conversation about work, what he is doing, asking about my new car, whining and moaning about his ex wife, asking if I miss him, etc...

I know he supposedly went to a "work function" on Tuesday and Thursday-he texted all the way up until left, then nothing till the next day.    He always texts when he gets home... .     He pulled his dating account down     What this says to me is that he has someone else he is out with who is validating him, etc... .

WHY he is still keeping in touch with me... . I don't know. He mentioned last night about seeing me tonight but nothing said today and I know I best not go... . IMO he wants a booty call.  It destroys me inside to think of him with another woman-probably one of the most excruciating feelings I have ever had. Just a couple of weeks ago, he was talking about marriage, etc... how does this stuff change this quick? I know its them and the BPD but for me, its a great big old mind f.   

I seriously broke down in Target today-in tears by the time I got to my car where I sat and cried for a good 30 mins. I have to keep trying to keep the images of him and someone else out of my head because it just kills me.

When will I get past this? Its seriously miserable to feel this way.

[simplyasiam]

sorry your dealing with this , it hurt so much i know and the feeling they have left for good makes it worse. so crazy we could deal with the pain of them coming and going but the pain of going for good feels so must worse.

one day at a times as the days turn into weeeks the pain lets up or we cover it up not sure.

so many of us are dealing with this and feeling alone.

cant you see us all together wow would we make for a fun time

[bpdspell]

I haven't posted much in the past couple of days because I am truly miserable. I know uBPDexbf has met someone.

Trust your women's intuition. I knew like I knew that my ex was with new supply and I was right.

WHY he is still keeping in touch with me... . I don't know.

Because he needs to know that you are still available to him.

When will I get past this? Its seriously miserable to feel this way.

It gets better when we empower ourselves with the decision to get off the roller coaster for good.

From what you write it seems like you are still very much attached and possibly hoping for a recycle.

We've all been there. Miserable and resentful when we're with them; feeling empty, abandoned, and alone when they desert us. It's a state of limbo that isn't for the faint of heart.

My ex and I recycle three times and each time the stakes got higher and higher. My BPDexbf cheated on me Christmas day. I took him back. Three weeks later my ex physically assaulted me because of his intense jealousy and possessiveness. I took him back. Two weeks after that my ex gaslights me and I find a woman in his bed. I took him back. A week later he breaks up with me to try a new girl out. I didn't work with her and I took him back.

Do you see my point here?

It doesn't get better. It only devalues, humiliates and destroys our sense of worth every time we allow them to violate us with their betrayal. Because they're mentally ill things will not get better. They are incapable of making amends and fixing their wrongs.

Sadinnc98. We all get up from the table when we're full so you may not be ready to fully commit to NC. It takes time accept that these relationships are not meant to work. But I ask you this: How bad does it have to get for you to see that you are allowing this man to destroy you by leaving the door open?

Spell

[seeking balance]

When will I get past this? Its seriously miserable to feel this way.

I am sorry you are hurting so much 

The thing is, for us to get past this - WE have to change and unfortunately most of us do not change until we are in enough pain.

My guess is you know what you need to change - it is simply deciding whether the pain of change is finally perceived by you as less than the pain of repeating the same patterns... . only you know when you are ready to get past this.

I do hope you read and reread Spell's post - very wise words in there.

Peace,

SB

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm so sorry Sadd.  I, too, have had to go to my car  to sit and cry.  When my BPD and I first broke up I was positive it he was seeing someone else.  Positive.  I tortured myself with mental pictures of him with someone else.  As it happens I was wrong.  It will happen someday, and probably very soon.  As you said you know him and his patterns pretty well.  But things aren't always as they seem.  I'm still crying too.  But I'm really trying to take it one day at a time.  I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or next year or next month.  Just trying to stay in the moment and deal with what I'm feeling today.  This meditation from Melody Beattie helps me to:

Difficult People

Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.

It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.

We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.

We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.

We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.

We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.

This is the heart of detaching in love.

Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you all for your responses-they all help me so much. I know that I need to go NC-but why is it so scary for me?  I can say that I am tired of feeling this way-I feel rejected, abandoned, replaced, misled, etc... the list goes on.  It just floors me how they can just move on their merry way... I know its their BPD but to a non its just so incredibly difficult to accept. I am absolutely terrified to ever date or trust anyone ever again-i was betrayed this year by my supposed "best friend"... and this has got to be the icing on the cake.  My divorce wasn't even this bad-I feel literally like my heart is broken... . weird how this comes in waves. I was fine this morning but a mess ever since.

Spell-I don't know what my breaking point will be. I cannot believe I have tolerated the things I have thus far. I feel so stupid...

[gallerykey]

I had to tell myself it was NC today, and tell myself that everyday, one day is never as scarey as the thought of forever... .

I am now day 12 of NC and I cant believe ive done it, im so proud of myself to come so far, to others 12 days may seem nothing but to me its HUGE.

Its not easy, i still check my phone in the hope, the hope he has? the hope he hasnt? Both. I have done alot of learning, and have alot more learning to do. I am beginning to accept this is who and what he is and that does help me with my process. My T is good and helps me to work on ME. I have re engaged with 2 old friends, alot of apologies later and its good. I can now at least get out the house and do something fun for ME.

I raised the trust issue with my T and yes i will always have those issues now but with work i will get better at it, and when its really right it wont be a problem. We are all good, kind, caring loving people who believed in something not real, we all get over finding out Santa isnt real after years of believing in magic so we can and will do this. I still cry every day but thats for the loss of what i thought i had not for the loss of hurt and pain that was inflicted everyday. I know my ex is with his 2nd new partner in 3 weeks but i cant allow myself to think about him with someone else, its nothing to do with me now. I have to tell myself all this or i will fall, and fall hard which i cant allow as I AM WORTH MORE, YOU ARE WORTH MORE. He will never really be happy and he will never really make anyone happy, thats sad when you think about it and i dont want that from my life. I worry the drama might of rubbed off a little on me and i will be looking for some in any new relationship but ultimately i just want someone to love me for me, mutual respect, be able to communicate and enjoy each others lives. One way that helps me through this is laughing. I know what his typical behaviour is going to be from what ive learnt so everytime he does something "text book" i have to laugh at it because hes predictable, because its pathetic etc... . and laughing just feels plain good anyway. I have a long way to go with many more tears and heartache but will try anything to help lighten my load. Sending u hugs for strength to do whats right for YOU x

[Perfidy]

Sad I sure do feel your pain. I want you to know that you aren't alone in this. The answer to your question is when you want it to. It will feel better when you want it to. Sucks when you're going through it but know this. You absolutely can make it feel better when you abandon the sh•t completely. It's ok. All good. Anger is good just don't act on it. Sadness is normal. Cherish sadness. It's yours and it is you. Love it. Love yourself more than anybody else. It will pass and you will be a better and wiser person for it. I would be alone for the rest of my life before I go through the hell that I just came out of. It was nothing but a poison dream. I'm awake now. Peace. Pot. Microdot! Kidding I just feel good right now and am sharing it with YOU! You love you too!

[Emelie Emelie]

[quote author=sadinnc98 link=topic=208175.msg12302872#msg12302872 date=1377293850

My divorce wasn't even this bad-I feel literally like my heart is broken... . weird how this comes in waves. I was fine this morning but a mess ever since[/quote]
I know.  My divorce wasn't nearly this bad.  I've never felt like this before in my life.  I will go a few hours of feeling okay and then I'm a mess again.  It's a tough process.  Hang in there.  We'll make it together.

[Ironmanrises]

Sad,

I am really sorry you are in pain. You are not alone in this. I can't even tell you how many times I have had to put my phone down as reading so many stories literally brings me to tears. Today for me, one year ago, is when I went for the first time to be with my exUBPDgf(lives in Mass.) (me in NY)... . A LDR. I remember how happy I was to be over there. This was before I knew anything about BPD. I was at work today, the memories replayed in my mind throughout the day. I had to get through the day with my eyes constantly welled up with tears. I just wanted to run and hide. I made it through the day. My NC continues. I feel for all of you on here. I tumble still.

[Perfidy]

Emilie I hear you. My divorce was easier than this. It is coming through in waves. I cannot put my finger on it now. The child has grown. The dream is one. Yes... .   i love Floyd. So right on the money. I sit by the pond and sing Pink Floyd to rhe baby ducks while I play my guitar. It's the closest thing to sanity that I have now. This morning I was thinking about cutting my wrists. I was looking at the veins and deciding how to cut them. Before I was thinking about hanging myself. Don't laugh. I changed my mind when everyone was telling me to hang in there. I loved her. It was a big mistake.

[Emelie Emelie]

Perfidy:  The second date was probably a mistake .  I am so right there with you.  I am so overcome with grief and sadness I can barely function.  And oh my God I want the pain to stop.   But you don't want to die.  I've read many of your posts and you're a smart, caring, loving person.  You know you'll get through this.  Please just take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time if necessary.  We are going to make it through this. 

[Perfidy]

Emilie you are right. I don't want to die. I haven't ever been suicidal before this. Several factors involved and very very difficult to absorb all at once. I have been reading about suicide prevention and one of the things is resources. This forum is a great resource. One of the things about suicide is that nobody wants to die. Suicide happens when the pain is greater than the resources. I never in my wildest dreams imagined myself ever feeling this bad. A year ago I was on top of the world. A lot has changed for me very quickly. She was young enough to be my daughter. We had no children and she never worked. She was at my side always. I have a job that allowed her to be with me even when I am working some of the time she would come with me to work. I accepted her as a part of me and never imagined myself with out her. We were very very close. We were together for many years. And she was so messed up. I took care of her.

[Emelie Emelie]

I took care of my boyfriend too.  (He also took care of me in some ways.)  It's hard.  It's hard when someone you gave so much to rejects you.  I wonder if I gave too much.  Always letting things go and smoothing things over.  I think he was used to a lot of fighting, a lot of drama.  (One thing he said to me during the break up was that I expected that we would never fight.)  I think that fighting, that drama, the dramatic break ups and make ups is what love feels like to him. 

Ugh.  I got home tonight and had a total meltdown.  Had a total meltdown Saturday night too.  It's exhausting.  I'm sure it's because of all the contact we had last week.  It made the hurt fresh again.