How do I deal with the guilt & financial implications of setting boundaries?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

30 years of dealing w/ my uBPDh,  One area of boundaries that I particulary struggle with, his carving out time for myself, so I can get emotionally healthy, before this new onset of depression, & anxiety becomes a real problem.

      The struggle I am having currently is that in addition to a full time nursing job, it has been an expectation that I help him run his(our)  business, 6 days per week. This makes for a 12-14 hour work day 6 days per week. I have been maintaining this schedule for 9 years now since he went into business for himself. The business is very labor intensive, and Requires much physical work and high customer service interactions which require you to be freindly & efficient at all times. 

      I manage to maintain the persona inspite of him constant criticising me and even poking fun of me, the entire time I am there. In addition I am blamed for any bad outcomes even when I was not there, and he even does it front of customers & the 1-2 staff that he has. The business is not very profitable, but it mostly breaks even , but it fills him up emotionally, so he denies the black & red finances that I show him when I do the books. Of course my stats are all wrong, I am doing something wrong, I just want him to fail etc. So twice he hired someone else to keep the books, because " I was not good at it, but of course they gave him the same info, so he didnt need them anymore.

       There are several reasons I struggle with just taking time away from the business and his constant chastisement, blame, ridicule etc. He has no-one else, because, He & his mother are so difficult to work with, no-one stays long enough to train them to operate without me covering the evening shift. The day shift helper is on the brink of leaving as well, for the same reasons, but so far she stays becuase she has no other job yet, and 3 kids to support. Although his Mom is difficult to work with, I love her as My mother law and she adores me, but I fear she too has BPD traits. she is nearly 80yo and works herself until she can barley walk to her car, so I fear what my leaving will do to her workload.

     He acknowledges that his Mom should not have to work this hard, and tells her this, but then turns around every few minutes and relies on her for everything. and she bends over backwards to accomadate his every whim then of course makes a few snide remarks in gneral when I am around about how WE are working her too  hard etc.

    I feel she is probably trying to compensate for the his childhood, ( he hasnt shared alot of the details of his childhood, but I know that it was filled with drug & alcohol addictions, general neglect & abandoment but, she does not KNOW that I know this from his siblings and other family members.

   In addtion this business is supposed to be handed over to our 23 yo son, who actually went to school to learn the business, but left due to the dynamics with his father. He wants so bad to come back & work but fears the same old stuff from his Dad, so he is conflicted. He says he will if he & his Dad dont have to work together.

   UPBDh says he has agreed to this, but wont agree to any salary at all for him, which is another reason he left. His Dad doesnt seemed to concerned with the fact that 23 yo need there own $$ not just free room & board & food, and that has been his expectation. Son says that is no way to  learn how to manage money if he never has any.  Also our 23 yo son learned ways to make the business more profitable, ,how to better train & maintain staff etc, YET, his Dad still sees him as the KID who worked there in HS and wont agree to even LISTEN to his ideas, he starts the same old criticisms, and Son just backs off and says Mom I cant do it, I want to so bad, But I just cant keep doing this, So I no longer try to be the mediator, I let the chips fall where they may.

   Lastly, becauase we live in a community property state his debts are my ressponsiblty soover the last 9 years I have had my wages garnished several times for failure to pay business taxes. I know when they are due and even offer to put aside some funds from sales weekley so we will have enough when they are due, but he never copperates, and even when we get deliquent notices and I try to alert him, and offer solutions he just blows me off,, blames etc, then when the garnishments start he balmes me for not taking care of it. BUT he has the money. There is never enough IN the account at any one time that I can put some aside. I tried to transfer a $50 -$100 at time in a savings to save up for quarterly taxes but He then borrows that with promises to replenishing it, but never does.

    So for all these reasons I find it difficult to just leave this business that I am held financially responsible for unattended to that degree, Not only will it hurt us finacially, but reputaionally, as well, IF & WHEN our Son could take over, and heaven forbid Something happen to Momma becasue she worked herself so hard trying to fill in for me whuich IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BECUASE HE CALLS HER FOR EVERYH LITTLE THING, AND she jumos up to rescue him, yet does NOT hold him accountable for anything at all. Even his brothers & sister have said this, but He is the youngest so I guess they just accept it, Plus he is the only one of 5 children that did anything with their lives ( he was mostly raised bu his Great Aunt) One of his siters was murdered when he was just 5 and that sent his Mom into a tail spin (understandle) , and perhaps it is what led to the others addictive behaviors as well, so with no-one suitable to care for him the Great Aunt who lived next door, basically became his surrogate Mom, It wasnt until he was a TEEN that his Mom seemed to settle down , but he moved out at age 17. We were married when he was just 23.

   So All the symptoms are there to manifest he BPD situation , & I struggle with being helpless, for a accpetable solutin for all. Logically I know that is an impossible feat, but my caretaker & nursing mindset, is struggling deeply to accpet it as such and either move on, or continue as long as possible?

[nursemyBPD]

30 years of dealing w/ my uBPDh,  One area of boundaries that I particulary struggle with, his carving out time for myself, so I can get emotionally healthy, before this new onset of depression, & anxiety becomes a real problem.

      The struggle I am having currently is that in addition to a full time nursing job, it has been an expectation that I help him run his(our)  business, 6 days per week. This makes for a 12-14 hour work day 6 days per week. I have been maintaining this schedule for 9 years now since he went into business for himself. The business is very labor intensive, and Requires much physical work and high customer service interactions which require you to be freindly & efficient at all times. 

      I manage to maintain the persona inspite of him constant criticising me and even poking fun of me, the entire time I am there. In addition I am blamed for any bad outcomes even when I was not there, and he even does it front of customers & the 1-2 staff that he has. The business is not very profitable, but it mostly breaks even , but it fills him up emotionally, so he denies the black & red finances that I show him when I do the books. Of course my stats are all wrong, I am doing something wrong, I just want him to fail etc. So twice he hired someone else to keep the books, because " I was not good at it, but of course they gave him the same info, so he didnt need them anymore.

       There are several reasons I struggle with just taking time away from the business and his constant chastisement, blame, ridicule etc. He has no-one else, because, He & his mother are so difficult to work with, no-one stays long enough to train them to operate without me covering the evening shift. The day shift helper is on the brink of leaving as well, for the same reasons, but so far she stays becuase she has no other job yet, and 3 kids to support. Although his Mom is difficult to work with, I love her as My mother law and she adores me, but I fear she too has BPD traits. she is nearly 80yo and works herself until she can barley walk to her car, so I fear what my leaving will do to her workload.

     He acknowledges that his Mom should not have to work this hard, and tells her this, but then turns around every few minutes and relies on her for everything. and she bends over backwards to accomadate his every whim then of course makes a few snide remarks in gneral when I am around about how WE are working her too  hard etc.

    I feel she is probably trying to compensate for the his childhood, ( he hasnt shared alot of the details of his childhood, but I know that it was filled with drug & alcohol addictions, general neglect & abandoment but, she does not KNOW that I know this from his siblings and other family members.

   In addtion this business is supposed to be handed over to our 23 yo son, who actually went to school to learn the business, but left due to the dynamics with his father. He wants so bad to come back & work but fears the same old stuff from his Dad, so he is conflicted. He says he will if he & his Dad dont have to work together.

   UPBDh says he has agreed to this, but wont agree to any salary at all for him, which is another reason he left. His Dad doesnt seemed to concerned with the fact that 23 yo need there own $$ not just free room & board & food, and that has been his expectation. Son says that is no way to  learn how to manage money if he never has any.  Also our 23 yo son learned ways to make the business more profitable, ,how to better train & maintain staff etc, YET, his Dad still sees him as the KID who worked there in HS and wont agree to even LISTEN to his ideas, he starts the same old criticisms, and Son just backs off and says Mom I cant do it, I want to so bad, But I just cant keep doing this, So I no longer try to be the mediator, I let the chips fall where they may.

   Lastly, becauase we live in a community property state his debts are my ressponsiblty soover the last 9 years I have had my wages garnished several times for failure to pay business taxes. I know when they are due and even offer to put aside some funds from sales weekley so we will have enough when they are due, but he never copperates, and even when we get deliquent notices and I try to alert him, and offer solutions he just blows me off,, blames etc, then when the garnishments start he balmes me for not taking care of it. BUT he has the money. There is never enough IN the account at any one time that I can put some aside. I tried to transfer a $50 -$100 at time in a savings to save up for quarterly taxes but He then borrows that with promises to replenishing it, but never does.

    So for all these reasons I find it difficult to just leave this business that I am held financially responsible for unattended to that degree, Not only will it hurt us finacially, but reputaionally, as well, IF & WHEN our Son could take over, and heaven forbid Something happen to Momma becasue she worked herself so hard trying to fill in for me whuich IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BECUASE HE CALLS HER FOR EVERYH LITTLE THING, AND she jumos up to rescue him, yet does NOT hold him accountable for anything at all. Even his brothers & sister have said this, but He is the youngest so I guess they just accept it, Plus he is the only one of 5 children that did anything with their lives ( he was mostly raised bu his Great Aunt) One of his siters was murdered when he was just 5 and that sent his Mom into a tail spin (understandle) , and perhaps it is what led to the others addictive behaviors as well, so with no-one suitable to care for him the Great Aunt who lived next door, basically became his surrogate Mom, It wasnt until he was a TEEN that his Mom seemed to settle down , but he moved out at age 17. We were married when he was just 23.

   So All the symptoms are there to manifest he BPD situation , & I struggle with being helpless, for a accpetable solutin for all. Logically I know that is an impossible feat, but my caretaker & nursing mindset, is struggling deeply to accpet it as such and either move on, or continue as long as possible?

[SadWifeofBPD]

What boundaries do you want to set?  and how will you set them?