A year and 4 months out... weird feelings?

[Deleted]

So, I've been NC for 1 year and 4 months. I saw my BPDex once for about 5 seconds last month. So far these past two months have been so much better. I stretched out my legs, hung out with some old friends, met a great girl, I go out regularly. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, I haven't really thought about my ex that much. I used to think about her every hour. Now? I hardlythink about her which is fantastic. I even re-arranged my bedroom back to how I had it when. I was with her. As crazy as it sounds, I moved my bed back to how it was when I used to be with her. I couldn't sleep in the same arrangement because it would remind me of her sleeping over and all that stuff. Weird... . I know.

However, I had to drive by her town, actually right by her house, and I bought all these negative emotions out. I wasn't torn up about it, just made me feel weird as if I am at the epicenter of a dark place in my past.

It got me thinking, I'm actually enjoying life right now. Things with the new girl have been great and I haven't really thought about my BPDex. I'm letting her go. but it got me thinking, this is how my BPDex felt when we first broke up. minus the BPD, I was a distant memory. I can only speculate from reading about BPD. She had her new boy toy lined up. It makes me feel rather sad.i spent a whole year of my life thinking about someone who didn't think about me within weeks after the break up.

I guess I can rejoice at the fact that I've actually come a long way and looked within. She didn't.

Any thoughts?

[Moonie75]

In the whole year 4 months you've been NC, has she never even tried to contact you?

If you think she never thought about you after a couple of weeks while you grieved for a year, that's really sad. But I'd bet she thought about you at times, they're triggered more than we are & usually very nostalgic about places & songs. I'll bet certain places you went & certain songs trigger her thoughts back to you.

[Ironmanrises]

The fact that you thought about her for all that time shows that the feelings you had for her were genuine and real. They are not supposed to be switched off on a dime. It shows you are mentally healthy. You formed a bond with her. The unfortunate aftermath of being in such a toxic relationship... . is that they are able to switch that off instantly, while your feelings have to die a slow and agonizing death. You have come a long way. That in itself is an accomplishment.

I tumble still.

[Deleted]

Moonie- she has over 200+ photos of us still on fb I'm still tagged, she still has friends and family (she was never close to them) on social platforms and she texted me once for my birthday about 10 months ago that's it. She knows I won't answer her. I always pondered and said... . deep down she's thinking about me! But now that I've "spread my wings" because god knows I needed it, I haven't thought about her much, the same with her. As soon as I left her, she's already having sex, partying, getting drunk, going on vacations! And where am I in all of this? Nowhere but I am speculating.


Ironman falls- I have. I've been in a mental prison for a whole year. I felt so pathetic, miserable, numb most of the time. I couldn't anymore. I allowed myself to feel every emotion. Heck, I sat down with them and had tea with my sadness, misery, loneliness, I basked in them. It wasn't just the BPD, it was past stuff too that I realized, the demons from the past. It was crazy, but I did it and I am doing it. Don't worry I tumble every now and then. I just tumbled, I feel kinda sad to be honest with you that she hasn't thought about me. You will make it and get to a much better place. Everyone's journey is differently but keep going. This is a trite saying but I love it "if you're going through hell, keep going".

[Iamdizzy]

deleted you had a stumble there. That was powerful "I felt as if I was at the epicenter of my dark pasT"

Glad to see you have stretched your legs and are finally enjoying life. I hope to reach that one day.

How do you feel about it now?

[Deleted]

I'm kinda over it, I guess seeing that place is a nerve that I haven't touched in more than a year but I'm ok, actually had a good night/ weekend! Things are looking up thank god.

You will get there one day no doubt about it, it takes time, however long it may be for you. We are all different.

[Surnia]

It got me thinking, I'm actually enjoying life right now.

Great! 

Do I hear even a bit surprise in your lines? 

[Deleted]

Surnia, I hate myself for saying this because life could always be WORSE. The relationship took a toll on me, the nightmares, possible PTSD, going through a wide range of negative emotions self loathing, anger, fear, jealously, depression, loneliness, even missing her all kept me up and hijacked my mind.

I had to stop and say Hey, I am actually enjoying my life! I got so used to living in this shell that the first few steps are weird but yes! I see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I walk with a few scars but it has made me a better man in so many aspects of my life. Rough life experience but as the cliche saying goes "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" 

[Surnia]

I walk with a few scars but it has made me a better man in so many aspects of my life.

Great.

Some scares are not to avoid, I think, when we try to live a full life.

Keep going.   

[aloha1983]

Hi, it's been a year and a half for me and I can totally relate. You feel the full scale of emotions and I also had the nightmares, PTSD and panic attacks. Glad to hear you are feeling better.