Any chance?

[blurry]

 Married my uBPD wife last month and now she's gone again, didn't think things could get any uglier than the last 2 or 3 times she left me, starting to lose track of the total, getting closd to ten i think, and I'm not helping matter at this point due to so much resentment and lack of trust I have in her. How ugly can one of these relationships get before they eventually succeed? Anyone have success stories after things got totally, completely out of control? I'm about to start looking for my 5th job and moving for the 9th time since this started last sept, broke and created new debts ill probably never pay, from this last time being recycled, worried about my own health too now, plus her array of mental and physical conditions, and her living arrangements ect. Her and I also add every possible type of drama to the situation after she leaves. Anyone ever have it get this bad, or even worse before it got better for them?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blazing Star]

Hi blurry,

It sounds like things are tough going for you  . I haven't had it that bad, but it is common for it to reach a rock bottom, or breaking point that becomes a catalyst for change. For me it was finally realising that a line had been crossed and actually I was not okay with it, that I had been normalising/excusing/enabling behaviour that wasn't cool! I expressed this to him, in a very clear firm way, and walked out with our daughter (who was 2 at the time) and took a couple of weeks space to think about it, and for me to think about it. This clarified my feelings, and made him realise how serious I was and he got his A into gear and started making some changes.

As we know, Nothing changes without changes.

What are your thoughts around some changes that you could make?

Love Blazing Star

[blurry]

 I always promise myself whenever I go back to her, after she begs me to come back, that I'm gonna do everything in my power to not react to her when she does things that I find disrespecful. But after a few weeks of this, off and on, I start telling myself either its not worth it or that I just can't do it, and more or less I will demand an explanation or apology, and its always relating to  issues that normal people would never break up over. Told her repeatedly the last two weeks that she will never see me again until she shows me 6 months of doctors notes from a therapist, plus id have to speak to him myself, and from that point, if I even still want to continue with her, that id join therapy myself, and/ or with her, and it would continue indefinitely.

[Blazing Star]

Told her repeatedly the last two weeks that she will never see me again until she shows me 6 months of doctors notes from a therapist, plus id have to speak to him myself, and from that point, if I even still want to continue with her, that id join therapy myself, and/ or with her, and it would continue indefinitely.

It sounds like you are giving her a boundary here, boundaries are good. How has she responded to this? And how do you feel about holding her to this?

Love Blazing Star

[blurry]

 Her response to that since she left two weeks ago... . f you, I hate you, this was a mistake, I may get therapy someday but now you wont ever know, I never want to see you again. These are some of the nicer things she's said. In the past when these breakups have happened, since I've learned she may be BPD, she will call me back with a seemingly sincere apology and tell me she made a horrible mistake, take full responsibility and agree to therapy. Then we get back together and never follow through. Just realized yesterday that I always come to this forum after she ends things, but I spend no time here working on learning the tools or practicing how to react to her behavior while things are good and we are together. Then when things go bad, they go really bad so fast its not funny, and I have no chance to reverse things before massive damage gets done to our relationship.

[blurry]

Im probably the main problem here and looking back at this current breakup, and the three weeks prior leading up to it, I didn't use any tools at all to help matters. All I did was confront her repeatedly over seemingly little things and probably overwhelmed her with it all, most likely because my ego or pride wouldn't let me be treated a certain way. Plus all the resentment and loss of trust I have for her. Have told her repeatedly that I need therapy too, over the last 6 months. We just haven't done it, I think between having a lot of other drama going on in our lives, combined with being in the honeymoon phase for the first few weeks, we just drop all talk of therapy, then suddenly, boom, everything goes south all at once and she's gone.

[allibaba]

As we know, Nothing changes without changes.

Blurry,

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I have been to the bottom too.  And I have taken that trip with my uBPDh while using the tools here.  We don't have the power to keep them from plummeting.  How you react to these types of situations will depend on how well you are taking care of yourself... . how healthy you are.  I started using the tools thinking that maybe I could FIX US.  I couldn't.  I didn't have control over that part.

Like Blazing Star says its common for someone to reach rock bottom that becomes a catalyst for change.  I think that the important thing is that you prepare yourself with the tools and be available (and STRONG and HEALTHY) for her when it happens.  Its important to realize that you can't save her and it was important for me to realize that my enabling behavior (trying to fix him, placate him) was actually making him worse.

With my uBPDh, I am confident that the changes that I made (firm boundaries) started actually driving him toward the rock bottom.  He couldn't handle the healthy way and started making worse and worse choices.  He was so used to me being his emotional outlet (him becoming abusive because he hates what was going on in his life).

It ended with him (the toughest guy I have ever met) curled up in a ball crying for several days.  It was awfully painful but at least I was there.  I knew what to do... . and I was strong for him.  He apologized over and over again for dragging our family through so much pain and promised that he would do anything to get healthy.  Since then he has started therapy, got a referral from our family doctor to see the psychiatrist, and has begun to find healthier ways to deal with stress.  I know others on this board who have similar stories.  

One thing I want to point out is that you don't necessarily have to separate for her to get help.  Or if you separate, you can try something like a therapeutic separation... . where you still get to see each other and be part of a relationship but where you both get enough space to heal.  I'm sure someone helpful like Blazing Star could post a link to an article on it.   My husband had lost almost everything and no matter what he was going through I didn't think kicking him out would help his situation.  Another thing that is important to remember is that boundaries don't have to be rules to be broken... . and they don't have to be threats or ultimatums. 

You can decide in your own head what behavior that IS OK.  And what behavior IS NOT OK.  You don't need buy in or permission to establish those boundaries.  Good thing too because my husband wholeheartedly disagreed with the boundaries I was putting in place.  I could still love him and support him... . but I needed to do some things to protect myself... .

Hope that this helps.

[blurry]

My main problem is that almost every time we've had an issue, the relationship is almost instantly over, usually sneaks up over the course of 2 or 3 weeks and then all at once, I'm suddenly locked out and dumped. So I don't get a chance to practice on making it work. Its like I'm stuck in a nightmare and I'm watching myself from the outside but I have no control of how I respond to her. I don't know any more, all I know now is I'm living 100 miles away, not really sure where she went, and I'm going " no contact". I gave her every imaginable option for two weeks straight, before I left 4 days ago, and told her this would be what id do if I had to, guess I gotta stick to the plan. Almost want to go to the leaving boards, but somewhere down inside me, I know I'm just bluffing her and not sure I can say no once the seemingly sincere apologies start rolling in. One thing I do know, she already went with two other guys since all this started and I'm still not over the first time it happened, let alone the second, I know there's no way I can ever forgive her if she goes with a third guy now, and of course, ill have to assume she is, even if she doesn't.