Rages vs stonewalling/silent treatment

[blurry]

 Lot of questions on my mind today, I always read here about people dealing with the pwBPD raging at them regulary while still together, odd thing with mine, when an issues arises, I get more of a stonewalling silent treatment, or she will lock herself in the kids room, then she ends things, usually with me getting threats of calling the police if I don't stop talking to her, or I will get locked out indefinitely. Then she kinda goes full out with the rage, after I'm gone. But the original issue could of been something trivial, in my mind, in a normal relationship, but knowing our past, these little things all build up in my mind and seem bigger, so I end up insisting we talk about it. All this starts so quick, and she ends things so quick, that there's never really and raging within the relationship, its all after she's removed me. Is that unusual or normal BPD behavior? She's not diagnosed and maybe I'm the one who has an issue?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Blurry, I also have an undiagnosed spouse who claims that I'm the one with issues because I have accepted my mood disorder (bipolar type2) and am in recovery from alcoholism. My acceptance shrouds his denial. To all objective observers I am much more functional than he is.

He also goes for stone-walling and silent treatments rather than open rage. He gets to maintain a false sense of self-control that way. He will make an angry gesture, such as throwing something at a wall, and then go totally ice-cold and shut me out. I guess he short-circuits when he gets that angry. It scares him and he withdraws within himself. Then if I persist by asking for explanations, etc., he says that my bipolar is escalating and he needs to get away from me. I am creating an "unsafe situation" for him.

It's very frustrating and I am seeking counseling to determine whether I can stay with him. I have tried some validation techniques, but maybe others more experienced than I on this board can give you specific strategies.

[blurry]

 As of right now, I've moved out of state, and promised her and myself that I wont see her again till she shows me proof of 6 months therapy. I don't have the means to get myself in therapy but she does for herself 100pct. Hope I can hold my ground, but I know deep down, on top of all the past and current resentment I have built up in me, ill have even more if somehow this works out down the road, because ill have to assume she's recycling another ex right as we speak, or finding a new target, and ill assume that's how she will continue the next 6 months even if she were to start therapy tomorrow. She's been gone two weeks now, and I'm in my second day having moved away, and she's still raging through texts, pointing blame, telling me its over (thought I was effectively ending it by moving away) and all kinds of name calling. Meanwhile I found out she already tried going back with her last ex, last week, and he said no basically. That's what really set me off last week, to where I shut down everything and moved away from her, but I'm still deep down trying to picture how this could work out.

[jlovechronicles]

Right now my Borderline Personality traits girlfriend has not come home from work today. It's been almost 4 hours and she won't answer my phone calls or texts and I am honestly worried. Usually we communicate with each other our plans plus we live together so I do expect to see her when she gets out of work. Today she asked me to meet her for lunch at 12pm. I knew that making the 12pm time would be hard so I tried to push it to later but she insisted that she eat right at 12pm. Well I was late and we didn't eat until 12:30pm so I think she was pissed about that. She threatened to not join me for lunch after I had already ordered and then when she did show up, she sat and ate for 15-20 mins and then she got up and left and said "thanks for lunch" in a rude tone that made me feel like I was being used.

She works down the street from where we live so I decided to take the dog out on a walk to meet her when she got out of work but as I was walking the dog I saw someone that looked like her, it probably was her walking in out apartment building. This means that she got a ride from someone (which never happens) and then never even came up to our apartment. So I am concerned. I am sure she is just trying to punish me for being late today and for the times that she may worry about me, although I would NEVER just not come home and not call her to tell her where I was.

I feel angry, scared and very frustrated! Any advice on how to cope right now? What about when she finally comes back? How can I best deal with the situation? :/

[Scout99]

Hi blurry!

Not all pw BPD are the same, even though having the disorder connects them on some levels. But whether or not they use rage or silent treatment as coping strategies really has to do with the reasons behind how and why they ended up developing their disorder. It is learned behaviors, surviving skills if you will and for some shutting down or stone walling proved to be what was working when they were kids. And for others raging was the behavior that worked... .

I am sorry to hear about how tough this is on you. Getting to the point when we see no other option than to leave is always painful.

It is so for our BPD loved ones too. And a lot of what you are experiencing now is her dysregulating because she has a hard time dealing with you leaving, since it sets off her worst fear of being abandoned. Her angry texts is an example of that. Where she is trying to deflect her feelings of shame and guilt, for not in her disordered mind being worthy of your presence and love, which is probably the way she sees it. Deflecting and projecting the blame on you is her attempt to flea from her pain, since anger is less painful than the feeling of hurt and abandonment... .

So is her attempts of re-connecting with old lovers... .

There really is no telling if this plan or yours to get her into treatment will work or not. It is in a way a long shot, which you probably already know... . The best thing for herself would be if she came to the conclusion herself that seeking out help would be good for her, since the treatment in itself is tough and staying the course takes a lot of motivation and perseverance on her part. And doing it for you or to keep you will probably not be the best motivator... .

Therefore I wonder where are you in all this? How do you prepare yourself for all the possible scenarios? Or in particular if she actually won't seek out any form of treatment? What then for you? Do you have anyone to talk to like a counselor or a therapist? It might be helpful for you if you do, so your life does not stand or fall with whatever she decides to do... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[eyvindr]

Scout -- this is very, very insightful, I think:

Getting to the point when we see no other option than to leave is always painful. It is so for our BPD loved ones too. And a lot of what you are experiencing now is her dysregulating because she has a hard time dealing with you leaving, since it sets off her worst fear of being abandoned. Her angry texts is an example of that. Where she is trying to deflect her feelings of shame and guilt, for not, in her disordered mind, being worthy of your presence and love, which is probably the way she sees it. Deflecting and projecting the blame on you is her attempt to flea from her pain, since anger is less painful than the feeling of hurt and abandonment... .

I think it's important for us to all remember that, as awful and hurtful as their behaviors can be, pwBPD are truly and deeply suffering themselves, and unlike us they lack the tools to deal with it. They are incapable, it seems, of "digging deep" and relying on their own inner strength. Maybe they were born without any. I don't know. It's very sad.

But I do agree that their worst behavior is just some coping mechanism -- a survival tactic, really -- for escaping the chaotic hell of their own emotional lives.

Thank you for sharing this insight, Scout.

[blurry]

I don't have a choice in the matter any more because I feel like I can't have her 5 children live like this, me and her aside, there's 5 kids that are witnessing some seriously dysfunctional behavior here, they're all hers from 3 exes but we all know who's gonna be the fall guy for moms insanity. What eats me up is anyone that knows her long term, including her 3 teenagers, you think they'd see a pattern and a common denominator there... . her.

Im not great at relationship skills in the first place, even without BPD involved, but I know even if I have an outburst, for good reason or for no reason, I know I'm capable of an apology shortly after I realize my mistake. Anyway, whether I like it or not, I can't let the kids keep living this way whether I like it or not. If she wants to continue the behavior by recycling one of her exes, or find some new guy to live this way, or if she wants to figure her issues out and try to continue our relationship, the choice is hers. But I can't stand for this any longer the way it is.

[eyvindr]

blurry,

Sorry you're going through this.

If she wants to continue the behavior by recycling one of her exes, or find some new guy to live this way, or if she wants to figure her issues out and try to continue our relationship, the choice is hers. But I can't stand for this any longer the way it is.

Nor should you. You have a right to be happy. You have a right to be in a healthy r-ship. Or at least to be alone, but living in peace.

Good luck to you.

[dagwood]

Hi blurry!

Not all pw BPD are the same, even though having the disorder connects them on some levels. But whether or not they use rage or silent treatment as coping strategies really has to do with the reasons behind how and why they ended up developing their disorder. It is learned behaviors, surviving skills if you will and for some shutting down or stone walling proved to be what was working when they were kids. And for others raging was the behavior that worked... .

I am sorry to hear about how tough this is on you. Getting to the point when we see no other option than to leave is always painful.

It is so for our BPD loved ones too. And a lot of what you are experiencing now is her dysregulating because she has a hard time dealing with you leaving, since it sets off her worst fear of being abandoned. Her angry texts is an example of that. Where she is trying to deflect her feelings of shame and guilt, for not in her disordered mind being worthy of your presence and love, which is probably the way she sees it. Deflecting and projecting the blame on you is her attempt to flea from her pain, since anger is less painful than the feeling of hurt and abandonment... .

So is her attempts of re-connecting with old lovers... .

There really is no telling if this plan or yours to get her into treatment will work or not. It is in a way a long shot, which you probably already know... . The best thing for herself would be if she came to the conclusion herself that seeking out help would be good for her, since the treatment in itself is tough and staying the course takes a lot of motivation and perseverance on her part. And doing it for you or to keep you will probably not be the best motivator... .

Therefore I wonder where are you in all this? How do you prepare yourself for all the possible scenarios? Or in particular if she actually won't seek out any form of treatment? What then for you? Do you have anyone to talk to like a counselor or a therapist? It might be helpful for you if you do, so your life does not stand or fall with whatever she decides to do... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

IMO, someone with BPD has to really want to seek treatment, really want to change... . and I think  many who don't feel it's they who have the problem... . it the others in their lives who do.  So, the "others" start believing that they have a problem, when in fact they don't.