Feeling crazy

[Learning_curve74]

I've known for months that being with my BPDex was driving me crazy, and for the first time in my life I knew I needed therapy and ended up going through 3 different counselors!    Now 3 weeks after leaving her I'm still feeling crazy but want some peace. Usually I'm the one in my group of friends that is the most steady and even-keeled, but I've been feeling so out of control that I hate it. It definitely started before I left her, but my mood is still fluctuating up and down a lot. Sometimes I'm totally fine and dandy, but other times I'm totally depressed and sad. If I hear a sad song the tears start to well up, but if I hear a happy love song the tears start to well up too!

The first weekend after we broke up, I was out with friends, got halfway to totally drunk (a.k.a. "charming drunk" ) looking for a random hook up with the first woman who'd jump in the sack with me, but thankfully they stopped me. That's not the normal me. I've been snippy and not very understanding with people who I feel are annoying me. That's not the normal me. I've been drunk and wanting to be totally smashed to oblivion, I've been wanting to hook up with as many women as I can seduce in as short a time as possible. None of this is the normal me. 

The one thing that I've been successful in controlling is being NC for 2 weeks straight. But then I was talking with a mutual friend of BPDex and me who informed me that BPDex told her she was feeling awful the last 2 weeks. They went out together and BPDex was drunk and disorderly then passed out in public. I wanted so bad to do something, to soothe her, to yell at her to stop running away from her problems, to take care of and hold her tight in my arms! I stayed awake almost 48 hours to crash myself so I would be knocked out asleep at the time when I would be most likely to run into her in the public places we both frequent (that I've been avoiding the last 3 weeks).

I felt a little better just getting that all out. It's nice. I usually try to hold it in so my friends don't see it when I feel broken open. I think there's something I need to work on because I feel like I'm out of control. It's not just being sad and depressed that's getting to me, but the feeling of being powerless and out of control is also a big problem for me. Maybe part of it is feeling bad about feeling bad? Maybe another part is holding back acknowledging my feelings, not sure?

[Hazelrah]

LC,

This is probably fairly obvious, but if there's one thing I can advise for you as you deal with your pain, it's lay off the booze as best you can.  Adding a depressant to a depressed frame of mind is a recipe for disaster--I know, I've done a lot of self-medicating of late, and I was never a drinker before my situation hit.  But getting back to my old self requires getting back into old (good) habits, i.e., clean living, regular excercise, etc. 

Also, get your sleep!  I bet you were hallucinating after being up for 48 hours.  My sleep patterns have been awful for two months (4-5 hours max per night), but as some of the internal chaos starts to subside, I hope that begins to change.

Most importantly, just be kind with yourself--your body and mind really need it right now.

[Surnia]

Hi learning_curve

Rough time, so sorry to hear about it!

I agree very much with Hazelrah about the drinking.

It's not just being sad and depressed that's getting to me, but the feeling of being powerless and out of control is also a big problem for me. Maybe part of it is feeling bad about feeling bad? Maybe another part is holding back acknowledging my feelings, not sure?

May I ask you, what happened with the 3 counselors? Do you have one now?

[Learning_curve74]

I definitely should not be drinking so much, it just feels right to get drunk but I know in my head it's not.  

I had a free counselor through my employer but we are allowed only so many free visits. A friend of mine referred me to one that specializes in relationships and knows about BPD, so I started seeing that one a little before I ran out of free sessions at work. Then the one from work gave me a referral to another counselor, so I decided to try that one out too. I guess that's how messed up I was feeling!

The 3rd one I stopped seeing because while it was helpful with a different approach, it was too expensive. The 2nd one I stopped a couple weeks after breaking it off with BPDex. Since he specializes in relationships, he was really good in helping me see the dynamics of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. But I'm not sure if he will be as good in therapy involving self-growth and self-realization. Maybe I should have asked him about that before I "fired" him.

I think it would be good to see a therapist/counselor to keep working on myself.

[Hazelrah]

I definitely should not be drinking so much, it just feels right to get drunk but I know in my head it's not.  

I had a free counselor through my employer but we are allowed only so many free visits. A friend of mine referred me to one that specializes in relationships and knows about BPD, so I started seeing that one a little before I ran out of free sessions at work. Then the one from work gave me a referral to another counselor, so I decided to try that one out too. I guess that's how messed up I was feeling!

The 3rd one I stopped seeing because while it was helpful with a different approach, it was too expensive. The 2nd one I stopped a couple weeks after breaking it off with BPDex. Since he specializes in relationships, he was really good in helping me see the dynamics of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. But I'm not sure if he will be as good in therapy involving self-growth and self-realization. Maybe I should have asked him about that before I "fired" him.

I think it would be good to see a therapist/counselor to keep working on myself.

I'd say it is extremely important that you see a T.  I've seen them for years for depression and anxiety, but my latest one has helped identify my codependcy issues, which made my marriage to a BPD such a thing of bliss... . until it's dissolution turned into the worst hell of my life. 

Don't give up on finding yourself a T you can afford and are comfortable with--it can make a huge change in your life. 

[aloha1983]

I can totally relate. When I broke up with my ex my emotions were like a rollercoaster. It's because you get used to responding to their mood swings over time. Please do see a therapist and get support during this difficult time.

[Perfidy]

LC I got that crazy feeling a while ago. Can't seem to shake it. Been trying everything. She in no way is worth even one second of suffering. I can't understand for the life of me what I was doing with this person in the first place. So weird almost as if I had no choice at all in the matter. Like she forced her way into my life. Like she was punishing me for wanting her.