Frustrating day

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Last night I talked to my bf on the phone after he got home from work. He always talks to me in his van because he lives with roommates who are sleeping by the time he gets home and he doesn't want to wake them up. He always always always goes on facebook after he goes in the house after work. Last night he didn't. My mind started going crazy, wondering why he suddenly was not on facebook. I went into a panic, made up all kinds of scenarios in my head, and freaked out. I called him twice with no answer. I sent him a text with no reply. I convinced myself he was with another woman and that is why he didn't go on facebook and wasn't answering his phone. I sent him another text basically accusing him of this.

This morning I find out he went to bed because he wasn't feeling well. I apologized for my reaction and how poorly I handled it. I tried to explain that I hate feeling this way but given his track record I tend to assume the worse. He said he loves me. He doesn't want things to be over between us. But said my accusations hurt him. We had a short back and forth over text where he took a very long time to reply to each text. I could feel him shutting down. I finally offered the complete fresh start he has been wanting. I told him I would not question what he was doing or where he was. I told him I would stop watching his activities. I told him if he wants to introduce me to his female friends I would be friendly towards them, but that I would not ask him to introduce me if he doesn't want to. I told him I would not bring up his  past indiscretions and I would start over new in my thinking and if I felt insecure or fearful I would deal with it without accusations and panic and would take time to calm down before talking to him. I basically gave him a free pass. He did not reply. I finally said "Or if you feel we are better off as friends just tell me". He still did not reply.

After 2 hours without a reply I felt like if he has to take this long to think about it then maybe we are better off apart. I texted him again basically telling him that his silence speaks volumes. I said we have tried and tried to make this work and we are against impossible odds. One, we don't even know if he will get residency in this country. 2, we live 5 hours away from each other and are fooling ourselves if we think we can continue a serious relationship long term with that much distance. 3. We only see each other once a month. 4. We have past issues that we are unable to resolve. I said even if I change or he changes, even if I love him and he loves me, we have too many obstacles to our relationship. I told him I wish him the best and I love him and want good things for him. But that I don't want to hurt him anymore with my false accusations, and I don't want to be hurt anymore either.

He finally replied saying "I will say no more, everything is in your hands. I love you"

I replied that I felt that is his way of saying he has given up on us too and that if he feels that way I really can't blame him right now because I realize I have made my share of mistakes in this relationship and I know my lack of trust and accusations hurts him too.

His last reply to me was 5 hours ago. The last thing he said was: "I do not give up. Just let you decide. I love you. You're the boss always. I love you"

This is so frustrating. I feel he is basically absolving himself of any responsibility for a decision by forcing me to make one. He has always called me "the boss" because he refuses to make decisions. Every activity we have done together, every weekend we have had together... . everything was planned and decided by me. I tried telling him I don't want to be sole decision maker, I want his input. But he always just says "You're the boss" even when I have been in HIS town, in his home!

Now it's coming down to something important. Stay or leave this relationship, and he's like "you're the boss, you decide if we continue". This is so juvenile. I feel like I am the only one in this relationship that wants to work through the issues we have. I don't know if we can, yes we do have what seems like a million insurmountable obstacles. Yes he has cheated. Yes, I don't trust him. But I wish I could get something out of him one way or another. He pretends our problems away. This is a huge part of the reason I have had so much difficulty rebuilding trust in him... . because he doesn't acknowledge the problem, he ignores it. The last time I broke it off with him, he literally just waited a week, sending me sweet messages, saying he missed me etc. But when I would bring up that I miss him too but these issues with other women need to be talked about, things need to change somehow etc, he just ignored it. He just kept sending I love you's and I miss you's. Eventually my pain got so great in being apart, in not talking to him, that I just gave in. He called me one night after that week, we talked about nothing that had anything to do with our relationship (except that we missed each other and it hurt being apart) and next thing I knew we were back on again.

So I am feeling hurt that he seems to be nonchalant about this, hurt that he won't even reply to me, and guilty for the way I acted. His silence is the worst. I have only experienced it once before and it was torture... . but he still sent the occasional text even then and by the end of it we agreed to meet up and spend some time together.

I guess this sounds stupid to some of you. I basically texted him saying we should break up, stop hurting each other, and move on... . and yet I'm upset I haven't heard from him. That's why I'm on the undecided board I guess... . I never know whether I'm coming or going.

By the time I finished writing all this, after 5 hours of not hearing from him, he says he wants to stay together. He says he didn't reply because he likes to be sure about what he is saying and take time to think before he replies. I guess I could use a dose of that because I tend to react to emotion without thinking things through clearly. I didn't used to be like that until I met him. But I am so off balance in this relationship I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me because he always says he wants to stay together. Other times I think it's just convenient for him to always have me, with very little accountability, and all he has to deal with is the occasional "craziness" from me when I freak out and feel like I can't continue this any longer. Interestingly, as soon as he said he wanted to stay together and I agreed, I started questioning myself again as to why I am doing this.  I wish I could grow a backbone and some self-esteem and decide what it is that is really best for me.

[eternity75]

Last night I talked to my bf on the phone after he got home from work. He always talks to me in his van because he lives with roommates who are sleeping by the time he gets home and he doesn't want to wake them up. He always always always goes on facebook after he goes in the house after work. Last night he didn't. My mind started going crazy, wondering why he suddenly was not on facebook. I went into a panic, made up all kinds of scenarios in my head, and freaked out. I called him twice with no answer. I sent him a text with no reply. I convinced myself he was with another woman and that is why he didn't go on facebook and wasn't answering his phone. I sent him another text basically accusing him of this.

This morning I find out he went to bed because he wasn't feeling well. I apologized for my reaction and how poorly I handled it. I tried to explain that I hate feeling this way but given his track record I tend to assume the worse. He said he loves me. He doesn't want things to be over between us. But said my accusations hurt him. We had a short back and forth over text where he took a very long time to reply to each text. I could feel him shutting down. I finally offered the complete fresh start he has been wanting. I told him I would not question what he was doing or where he was. I told him I would stop watching his activities. I told him if he wants to introduce me to his female friends I would be friendly towards them, but that I would not ask him to introduce me if he doesn't want to. I told him I would not bring up his  past indiscretions and I would start over new in my thinking and if I felt insecure or fearful I would deal with it without accusations and panic and would take time to calm down before talking to him. I basically gave him a free pass. He did not reply. I finally said "Or if you feel we are better off as friends just tell me". He still did not reply.

After 2 hours without a reply I felt like if he has to take this long to think about it then maybe we are better off apart. I texted him again basically telling him that his silence speaks volumes. I said we have tried and tried to make this work and we are against impossible odds. One, we don't even know if he will get residency in this country. 2, we live 5 hours away from each other and are fooling ourselves if we think we can continue a serious relationship long term with that much distance. 3. We only see each other once a month. 4. We have past issues that we are unable to resolve. I said even if I change or he changes, even if I love him and he loves me, we have too many obstacles to our relationship. I told him I wish him the best and I love him and want good things for him. But that I don't want to hurt him anymore with my false accusations, and I don't want to be hurt anymore either.

He finally replied saying "I will say no more, everything is in your hands. I love you"

I replied that I felt that is his way of saying he has given up on us too and that if he feels that way I really can't blame him right now because I realize I have made my share of mistakes in this relationship and I know my lack of trust and accusations hurts him too.

His last reply to me was 5 hours ago. The last thing he said was: "I do not give up. Just let you decide. I love you. You're the boss always. I love you"

This is so frustrating. I feel he is basically absolving himself of any responsibility for a decision by forcing me to make one. He has always called me "the boss" because he refuses to make decisions. Every activity we have done together, every weekend we have had together... . everything was planned and decided by me. I tried telling him I don't want to be sole decision maker, I want his input. But he always just says "You're the boss" even when I have been in HIS town, in his home!

Now it's coming down to something important. Stay or leave this relationship, and he's like "you're the boss, you decide if we continue". This is so juvenile. I feel like I am the only one in this relationship that wants to work through the issues we have. I don't know if we can, yes we do have what seems like a million insurmountable obstacles. Yes he has cheated. Yes, I don't trust him. But I wish I could get something out of him one way or another. He pretends our problems away. This is a huge part of the reason I have had so much difficulty rebuilding trust in him... . because he doesn't acknowledge the problem, he ignores it. The last time I broke it off with him, he literally just waited a week, sending me sweet messages, saying he missed me etc. But when I would bring up that I miss him too but these issues with other women need to be talked about, things need to change somehow etc, he just ignored it. He just kept sending I love you's and I miss you's. Eventually my pain got so great in being apart, in not talking to him, that I just gave in. He called me one night after that week, we talked about nothing that had anything to do with our relationship (except that we missed each other and it hurt being apart) and next thing I knew we were back on again.

So I am feeling hurt that he seems to be nonchalant about this, hurt that he won't even reply to me, and guilty for the way I acted. His silence is the worst. I have only experienced it once before and it was torture... . but he still sent the occasional text even then and by the end of it we agreed to meet up and spend some time together.

I guess this sounds stupid to some of you. I basically texted him saying we should break up, stop hurting each other, and move on... . and yet I'm upset I haven't heard from him. That's why I'm on the undecided board I guess... . I never know whether I'm coming or going.

By the time I finished writing all this, after 5 hours of not hearing from him, he says he wants to stay together. He says he didn't reply because he likes to be sure about what he is saying and take time to think before he replies. I guess I could use a dose of that because I tend to react to emotion without thinking things through clearly. I didn't used to be like that until I met him. But I am so off balance in this relationship I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like he really loves me because he always says he wants to stay together. Other times I think it's just convenient for him to always have me, with very little accountability, and all he has to deal with is the occasional "craziness" from me when I freak out and feel like I can't continue this any longer. Interestingly, as soon as he said he wanted to stay together and I agreed, I started questioning myself again as to why I am doing this.  I wish I could grow a backbone and some self-esteem and decide what it is that is really best for me.

[Surnia]

Eternity75

Yes, frustrating - sounds that you both are very undecided!

How is it when you are really together, not on the phone? How is it then?

[eternity75]

Surnia... . when we are together it's wonderful. That's why this has been so difficult because it's not something where I can look at it and say "it wasn't that good anyways". He's not a rager, he's affectionate, cuddly, we hold hands, kiss, we're playful together, we have fun and enjoy each other's company. The sex is good. He helps me with cooking dinner and cleaning up afterwards. When we're together it's 2 days of bliss. I say 2 days because we only see each other for a weekend and then he has to leave again... . or I have to leave again. And we won't see each other for min 2 weeks, now it's turning into more like 6 weeks

[Surnia]

6 weeks are long.

I think when you are in a long distance relationship its very important to trust each other.

Sure, with phones we can be in contact every time. I see some concerns about doubts when your partner not answer at once... . very stressful.