Thinking about contacting ex-ex-ex BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have just realised that my current failed relationship is very common to a previous relationship I had 15 years ago. I seem to attract this type of girls.

That relationship was also filled with lies and cheating from her part and left me heartbroken from. It took me 1½ year to get over that relationship.

I do know she in the past 15 years have been married, divorced and involved in one or more violent relationships. Her current status is single. She tried to contact me again a couple of years ago, but I ignored it back then. So I guess everything I read is true. They do not find happiness with the new guy and they will try to contact you again years later.

Anyway since I can't get any answers from my current ex, I am thinking about contacting her in my search for answers. I never knew what caused her to break up and cheat and lie back then, so I am thinking that maybe I can hear her story and find out what her thougths were back then.

And then hopefully I can understand what my current ex is thinking.

Would it be a bad idea to contact her?  I still haven't forgiven her so I guess it will properly rip up old scars so maybe I should just leave it instead.

[huhhuh]

I have just realised that my current failed relationship is very common to a previous relationship I had 15 years ago. I seem to attract this type of girls.

That relationship was also filled with lies and cheating from her part and left me heartbroken from. It took me 1½ year to get over that relationship.

I do know she in the past 15 years have been married, divorced and involved in one or more violent relationships. Her current status is single. She tried to contact me again a couple of years ago, but I ignored it back then. So I guess everything I read is true. They do not find happiness with the new guy and they will try to contact you again years later.

Anyway since I can't get any answers from my current ex, I am thinking about contacting her in my search for answers. I never knew what caused her to break up and cheat and lie back then, so I am thinking that maybe I can hear her story and find out what her thougths were back then.

And then hopefully I can understand what my current ex is thinking.

Would it be a bad idea to contact her?  I still haven't forgiven her so I guess it will properly rip up old scars so maybe I should just leave it instead.

[Surnia]

Huhhuh

Great that you are realizing that there is a certain pattern in your relationships! It needs courage to look at it and write it down. 

I have my doubts however about contacting the ex. I would focus on yourself. I truly believe the answers are in yourself.

This could be helpful:

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Learning_curve74]

Your plan is to ask an old girlfriend to tell you why she is a liar and cheater? You may not get the sort of reply you're hoping for. 

[Reg]

Hi,

I completely agree with Surnia and learning curve.

The risk is very big that you will ask a borderline how a borderline behaves.  It is like asking an alcoholic in denial to ask what is to be an alcoholic.  He/she will deny he's/she's an alcoholic.  So you will not get any answers... . !

Borderlines don't even understand themselves, so how do you want them to react ?  Only in moments I have seen my ex partner her real problems coming to the surface from her side.  Phrases such as : I can't put myself in your shoes (no empathy), I have to much thinking to do, I have to change these things in my head.  You may have experienced the same kind of things.

One good advice if I may, read about what is borderline in the right column of this part of the forum.  And the link from Surnia.

Time to think about one person : yourself and how to move on from this.  It may not be easy, but we all can if we want to !

Reg

[huhhuh]

Your plan is to ask an old girlfriend to tell you why she is a liar and cheater? You may not get the sort of reply you're hoping for. 

yeah... I know. Nothing good will come from it. I will put this plan to rest.

[dangoldfool]

huhhuh,

Have you been working on yourself esteem issues? There is a lot of great information and advise on this forum. But if your not applying the information into your life, you will continue to attract these type of people back into your next relationship, or even consider contacting an Ex GF.

There are a number of books that are listed that are really helpful to start you in the right direction by your self. You might consider a therapist.

The BPD was not the only problem in these relationships. It takes two people. And you are the other person. You need to look at what is going on inside your mind, that allowed you to be attracted to these type of irrational behaviors of the BPD. A healthy person would have seen the  well in advance, and have never got into this type of relationship. Best of luck to you. 

[huhhuh]

yes I am aware of my own self esteem problems. I am working on them. It's a slow progress. Let's just leave it with that without going in details.

[Perfidy]

When my old girlfriend found out that I am single she started calling me. Her brother must have told her. She stayed single all the years that I was with the sick girl. She told me that she would still marry me. I am flattered but she was really mad when I got with someone else after we broke up. She started acting really weird. Nonstop calling. Just blowing up the phone. For about two weeks my phone just rang and rang. During the whole relationship with the new girl she would call me every so often and ask me if I had gotten rid of her yet. Can you imagine if her and I actually got back together? This would be just asking for it. There is a tiny little voice telling me that this wouldn't go well. Shouldn't healthy people move on after ummm... like nine years? She's nice enough but she brings the mistake up and I have given her enough ammo to win the next world war. It would be a serious mistake to get back together with her and I know it. I have asked her to examine why she thinks its a good idea and what she thinks has changed for her. Haven't heard anything to support getting back together.