Wishing everyone Strength and Happiness :)

[Deleted]

Hey all 

I just want to take time out and say a few things.

I've spend a whole year living in misery. "Life could be so much worse" is the typical response I got from family after seeing me sad because of my past relationship. While that has validity no doubt about it, no one really understands the dynamics and possible dangers of being in a relationship with a BPD. I was naive and had my own issues that caused me to stay for 9 months.

Well for brevity, I want to say that I had such anger, resentment , jealously, I had nightmares, I avoided any social networking, any place we have gone, any song that reminded me of her like the plague. I spent perhaps every hour thinking about her of EVERY DAY. I often had talks infront of the mirror about what I would say if I ever saw her. Clearly this is NOT how one should live.

A few months ago, I went back out there, hung out with old friends we hang out weekly, I met a new girl things are going great as I feel that this relationship was a template on how to NOT build a relationship. I'm content but truthfully, I'm estatic that I have not really thought about her. I just got wrapped up in life and I've neglected and stopped feeding the 'parasite' in my mind. I know I will have a few tumbles here and there but I am stronger now than ever before.

In short, Feel your pain, Sit down with it and have a cup of tea with it. Remind yourselves that you have the ability to understand and get better. Understand why you stayed and why you thought it was OK, It's crazy ___ but you will never feel more intune with yourself until you know why. It's a hellish road to take, I've never felt more isolated and lonely before in my entire life. What does that do? Give me strength and a backbone.

1. Feel your emotions

2. They won't be better with the next person

3.No matter how miserable you are now, You will eventually get better. Don't rush it.

4. You have the capability of improving yourself.

5. You're worth MORE, leaps and bounds MORE, than what you think

6. You all deserve to be happy.

7. Whenever I think of having a miserable life I think of 1 of 2 things 1. Not achieving my goals 2. Being MISERABLE with a girlfriend/wife and I truly think my relationship with my BPDex would of caused both. Wouldn't you agree?

8.You will get better.

9. Life is beautiful.

10. You will get better!

11. When you see that life is picking up momentum, GET LOST IN IT! THROW YOURSELF AT LIFE!

Wishing everyone strength and happiness! 

[snappafcw]

Thank you so much this really is what I needed to hear right now

[Reg]

Deleted, now that's the spirit ! 

Couldn't have said it better !

[Surnia]

Love it, Deleted! 

Well done, and thank you so much for sharing!

[Octoberfest]

 


Am I worlds better off without my BPDex? Yes

Was she a good partner to me? No

Was she a good friend to me? No

Does she deserve me? No

Is there still a part of me, somewhere, that wishes things would have worked out differently? A part that sees her face and her smile and wishes things were different? Sure.  But that too shall fade as I meet new people who can answer all of the above questions the correct way.

[Bananas]

   

Fantastic Post!  WTG Deleted.  You are no longer Deleted and that is awesome!

[Deleted]

Bananas I used the name DELETED because that's what I thought I was, Deleted in the eyes of my loved one... . As this year taught me, Nothin is ever deleted just understood and accepted.

[LoneWolf768]

Way to fire, Deleted! Exactly how I like my positive reinforcement! Excellent post and an excellent explanation to your site name! Exceptional all the way around! I'm thinking of sending this to my self and printing it when I need a little bit of a pick-me-up when I start to to lose momentum.

Ex actly

Ex cellent

Ex planation

Ex ceptional

It just occurred to me how many words that start with EX I put in my post. Of course, it's because of our EX's that we're all here in one another's company and are able to share stories, healing advice and some humor to help heal the wounds. We will press on and eventually prevail, me thinks! Have a great day everybody ad I hope you're all well!

[Deleted]

lone wolf, do what you feel will help YOU!

[LoneWolf768]

I absolutely will, Deleted. As long as I'm not hurting myself or others in any capacity, I'll do what I can. Thanks for the response!

[Trick1004]

Deleted,

Thanks for this post. I finally am feeling I am turning the corner on letting her go. Ya, it was hell getting to where I'm at now, still not completely out of the woods, but having gone through this I have discovered a whole other level of strength.

This has been a tremendous learning, self-reflecting, and I think eventually worthwhile experience for me that has made me look at myself, what I want, and what values are important to me and won't compromise again in the future.

I am going to come out of this as a better, stronger person.

[Deleted]

Trick, I've often read on here that this is a blessing in disguise. Although at first, I wouldn't of agreed with that and just scoffed at it in derision, I know see the validity of that statement. In one way shape or form my BPDex has been one of the most important people in my life, even though I never plan on speaking/seeing her again in my life. She has given me such emotional pain and put me through such hell that I could of possibly suffered from PTSD. She has bought me to new and unexplored areas of my mind, a new rock bottom if you will. We have our issues as to why we stayed and allowed this but at the end of the day we are normal human beings and we are more than capable of improving ourselves not because of this "I'm a non therefore I can" but because we are on here, because we have the balls to look at ourselves and say nope, I gotta change. Whereas a BPD or even a NON would self medicate. To me, changing yourself, your deep rooted morals and values, your way of thinking, perception of self worth, and faulty boundaries are usually Herculean tasks, but through the pain and heartache we muster the strength to do so and that is worthy of an applause. 

[Deleted]

I'd like to add that this experience proves to us that CHANGING OURSELVES is a Herculean task. How could we think or even entertain for a second that we have the power to change a pwBPD?

I don't mean habits that are easily conditioned but deep seated thinkings and perceptions that stem from childhood. It's so hard to change it as a healty adult, how could I have been so foolish to think it would change a pwBPD.

Bottom line is we shouldn't beat ourselves up with the trite "WHAT IF I TRIED HARDER?"

[nevaeh]

I loved reading your post.  I'm fairly new to this site, but not at all new to the BPD life.  I am trying to extricate myself from my 18 year marriage to uBPDh and hope to separate sometime later this fall.  We have kids so its a little more complicated and I have to plan things out and have some things in order before I dump this on him.

But... . it makes me feel some sort of relief or comfort reading your post, knowing that although the journey will be tough, it will get better and I will be a better person for having gone through it.  When looking at my situation, it's as though there is a 100 foot glass wall sitting in front of me, and that wall represents the actual act of telling my H I want a divorce as well as all of the logistical necessities for a separation.  I can see the other side of the wall and I know it's great over there... . stress free, less anxiety, peace, freedom, independence, and a path that will lead me to the REAL ME.  I have no idea yet how I am going to get over that glass wall and that is my only obstacle.  Once I have that figured out, it will be hard work and some bumps and bruises along the way, but the other side is within my sight and I know that a better life awaits me.

Your post just gave me some more proof that this better life is really there and isn't a figment of my imagination.  I just have to be patient.

I'd like to add that this experience proves to us that CHANGING OURSELVES is a Herculean task. How could we think or even entertain for a second that we have the power to change a pwBPD?

I don't mean habits that are easily conditioned but deep seated thinkings and perceptions that stem from childhood. It's so hard to change it as a healty adult, how could I have been so foolish to think it would change a pwBPD.

Bottom line is we shouldn't beat ourselves up with the trite "WHAT IF I TRIED HARDER?"

EXACTLY!  At times during our relationship I have justified/excused H's behavior by telling myself that he loves me "the best he knows how"... . or, he can't help who he is.  I thought that with a lot of love, patience, and positive role-modeling that I could somehow convince him to be different... . better.  It took me a while to realize that there is no amount of anything I could do to "teach" him or even compel him to be different.  I have tried and tried and tried... . and the outcome has never changed.  There is really no trying harder left for me.  I have to not beat myself up over the fact that I have stayed with him this long.  I think it's a bitter pill to swallow and a bit of a shot to the ego that I CHOSE him and that I made a bad choice.  Period.  We did have some good times together and it worked, for a while.  But we are not good for each other anymore and there is really nothing I see happening at this point that might change that.

[Deleted]

Java mom,

When I left my BPDex I had no idea what the hell was going to happen. All I knew was that I was hurting beyond any hurt I've ever felt before and no one could understand me. I found any excuse to just blurt her name out and just talk about it to damn near nauseating frequency. Unlike you, I wasn't looking into a better life, I was in a deep dark abyss.

With regard to the glass wall, I had to claw my way out as painful as it was. Maybe you will have a huge diamond cutter or a hammer that will shatter this wall.

There is a better life. There truly is, I did not have kids with my BPD nor was I married but I often thought about the misery I would of found in my life had I stayed and got married.

Whenever I see dysfunctional couples in public or on tv, I always say "___ I know how that is, and that's not the way to live life" in this case at least with me, love was the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Java mom, I wish you the best. Don't ever stop trying to have a better stress free life! And don't ever stop trying to better yourself for your own personal growth! It's possible just have the strength to weather this storm. It won't last for ever,