If you want closure, then come and get it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If your waiting for an apology- im someone who got one and i want to show you how your closure will more than likely pan out, (with some deviation based on your BPDx's "personality"

anyone else who still wants someone to take responsibility... . thats totally reasonable "BUT" , i know, but even when they say sorry its not an apology at all. your ex will most likely find an apology that will somehow release her from being as responsible than she really is and make you feel like a loser for wanting it. Notice below how mine was basically saying sorry from a "version" of himself that is no longer the person who did the wrong. he is beyond those things he did, and im still stuck in that version of me that wants closure. ITS INFURIATING. so I promise you, you can look for it, but it will never come, not in any form that is meaningful or that will take away your pain.

Take this mindbender of an apology for an example of the closure:

I asked for an apology and he said in a very annoid tone(almost admitting he knows what he was doing was wrong) I will apolagize... . but i will when IM ready, not when YOU tell me too. so i wait and wait, nothing. a year later im still hurt and wanting some sort of idea what he was thinking so i contact and catch up, basically apolagize for my end and wait for him to. He says and notice how they throw in the "BUTS" rendering there apology basically nonexistent, and the apology is about how he feels anyway) "Im sorry but I was younger and im a different person now. I feel bad for the way I was then, but honestly Im confused about this, that was so long ago I hope you  find peace and realise its not important to think about anymore  so you should stop thinking about me.

The only thing I can say, as that here where people know that pain, and I do, I can honestly say to you , and anyone else in that pain that I am so sorry for what this person has brought into your life, the way that they have brought you into their illusion, and left you seeing things from their distorted view. You are not the person you are left believing you are. Nobody is perfect however nobody deserves what you have been through.

Obviously i know im not the one you want to hear it from, but Im telling YOU im genuinly sorry nonetheless

[Ittookthislong]

If your waiting for an apology- im someone who got one and i want to show you how your closure will more than likely pan out, (with some deviation based on your BPDx's "personality"

anyone else who still wants someone to take responsibility... . thats totally reasonable "BUT" , i know, but even when they say sorry its not an apology at all. your ex will most likely find an apology that will somehow release her from being as responsible than she really is and make you feel like a loser for wanting it. Notice below how mine was basically saying sorry from a "version" of himself that is no longer the person who did the wrong. he is beyond those things he did, and im still stuck in that version of me that wants closure. ITS INFURIATING. so I promise you, you can look for it, but it will never come, not in any form that is meaningful or that will take away your pain.

Take this mindbender of an apology for an example of the closure:

I asked for an apology and he said in a very annoid tone(almost admitting he knows what he was doing was wrong) I will apolagize... . but i will when IM ready, not when YOU tell me too. so i wait and wait, nothing. a year later im still hurt and wanting some sort of idea what he was thinking so i contact and catch up, basically apolagize for my end and wait for him to. He says and notice how they throw in the "BUTS" rendering there apology basically nonexistent, and the apology is about how he feels anyway) "Im sorry but I was younger and im a different person now. I feel bad for the way I was then, but honestly Im confused about this, that was so long ago I hope you  find peace and realise its not important to think about anymore  so you should stop thinking about me.

The only thing I can say, as that here where people know that pain, and I do, I can honestly say to you , and anyone else in that pain that I am so sorry for what this person has brought into your life, the way that they have brought you into their illusion, and left you seeing things from their distorted view. You are not the person you are left believing you are. Nobody is perfect however nobody deserves what you have been through.

Obviously i know im not the one you want to hear it from, but Im telling YOU im genuinly sorry nonetheless

[Bananas]

I get chills sometimes when I read other peoples posts.  I saved my non-apology text from my ex and some of the sentences are so similar.  Like it came out of a script, really!

[Ironmanrises]

When my exUBPDgf came back into my life... . she kept apologizing at first, telling me how grateful she was that I took her back after abruptly leaving me 3 months prior. She cried and begged. I had never heard her like that. Part of her apology was "I want my man back" line she kept telling me. Words which will forever haunt me.

All that crying and begging. All the apologies. The "I want my man back"... . Perhaps her buying me that ipad mini just because was another form of her apology... . as if I was reduced to an object. Here is this expensive gadget. My shame is too great. That iPad mini will blind you from asking further questions. All of that resulted in the same outcome. She left.

At the very end, I questioned her on her very words like "I want my man back". She had no answer, but silence.

Her apologies, I want my man back, her begging and crying... . Got her what she wanted. For me to let her back into my life. The iPad mini was the kiss to seal the deal. I tumble still in the aftermath.

[Clearmind]

I recall a similar thread of yours Ittookthislong about apologies.

Sometimes we believe that BPD apologies are empty -  that they don't actually mean it. BPD is a shame based disorder and therefore have a hard time if someone harbors bad feelings about them. Your ex may have apologized to relinquish her own feelings of shame and guilt for what she did. Is it genuine - probably yes!

Do they get their side of the fence? Not really. We are asking a disordered person to understand our stand point. You will send yourself into knots.

We want them to own it, when they make an attempt we dismiss it. Acknowledging an apology is not letting them off the hook - what was said was maybe not what you wanted to hear?

What do you need to get past this, if his apology doesn't do it for you? We cannot place our expectations on another, especially a disordered one and expect them to get it!

Lower your expectations of who your ex is = acceptance = inner peace/healing

[happylogist]

We want them to own it, when they make an attempt we dismiss it. Acknowledging an apology is not letting them off the hook - what was said was maybe not what you wanted to hear?

What do you need to get past this, if his apology doesn't do it for you? We cannot place our expectations on another, especially a disordered one and expect them to get it!

Lower your expectations of who your ex is = acceptance = inner peace/healing

So true!

[goodguy]

BPDex and I broke up about 10 months ago after she started seeing someone else behind my back. She's messaged me about 1x a month since then, and a couple weeks ago wanted to know if there were still any "hard feelings" between us. She pushed extra hard to talk about what happened between us but I did not want to. Part of me wanted to hear an apology (if one was coming), but I believe I did the smart thing and said I'd rather not talk about it, thanks etc. Part of me wonders what she would have said but I know it would have gone nowhere .

[KHC_33]

I so agree about all what I have read. I don't think they have the capability to actually truly own their mistakes or responsibility to what they have done in relationships.

When he texted me one evening and told me that he really didn't love me and he didn't know how to tell me, He said I am sorry. I told him I had nothing to say, I really didn't. After that without hearing from him all day I heard from him at 1am in the morning telling me he does love me, he just isn't feeling like himself. Wow... . enough to make my head spin.

I never know what way he is going to go, up, down, sideways. It was always a rollercoaster. I think he knew when I responded I will not be manipulated anymore. He will have to face his own demons now. Sad part of it all is everyone knows my children and I (how amazing my children are)... teachers,  my counselor, my family, his family, friends, you name it. He acts like he has had such a rough life with all of us. Please. I am sorry but my girls loved him without end. He wanted to push them away. He was too proud to admit he was wrong, and apologies would never come. I realize because of the illness expecting him to do that was my own fault. I have to come to that place of acceptance. When I responded calmly and told him exactly how I (not you) felt, my feelings (that I need to do some work on myself) I think he relieved him of having to really own that part of our relationship (that he did the things he did and continue to do the things he is doing)

I also worried that he would end up with someone because he had told me in previous relationships just recently that he did cheat (after when he wasn't happy). He would make excuses saying well I wasn't happy anyways, it was going to end. Cheating is never an excuse, it is for cowards who don't want to finish one thing and want to set out to retaliate against someone.

Closure has to come from you. Only you can get that inner peace you want. Don't want for them to do it. Chances are they won't and they can't. Trust me I know the pain (at times I wished he was dead because death would have far easier to deal with. At least you have real closure and it's final). Part of that is the pain talking, You have to look at yourself and ask why? Why does it hurt so badly? How can I heal myself? Where do I need to go? What do I need to identify with and solve within myself. Been there & done that... . still doing it.  

[saw_tooth]

My ex-BPD guy vanished after I was possibly 'split black' and 'devalued' because I could not meet him one evening.

We stayed in touch and he seemed 'normal' but avoided meeting on our conversations which I would initiate.8 months later he told me 'It was never a relationship,I never felt that way about you'.Also said ':)on't ever touch me,it is wrong'.Was so averse to touch that even the possibility of our fingers touching accidentally plagued him while intimacy was what he would initiate,always.On being asked why,he said 'I am not a kid anymore and this is wrong for me(this is wrong continued for 20 mins in different ways'.On being asked what changed,he said 'Maybe I changed'.Then said,stop making me feel guilty for what happened when I had not mentioned guilt at all.

Then became sweet,caring and subservient,all within seconds of the harshness and absolutely insisted on being friends and said 'Are you mad at me?You can hurt me real bad if you want and have bad thoughts about me.I am not that bad you know.'

This was what I take as 'closure'.

It hurt like hell,I cried all night and almost starved for a week  but then realized he is not whole and does not behave the way he does on purpose.