Devaluation, the feeling of helplessness, and what follows

[Depression = 72% of members]

When my exUBPDgf started to devalue me in the second go around of the relationship... . even with all the articles and hundreds upon hundreds of posts i read on this forum... . as i watched how her treatment towards me turn more cold, distant, mean and what not... . I remember how utterly helpless i felt. That feeling only grew as her behavior intensified. I began to get anxiety attacks as she would post things on her Facebook and Instagram that would reflect the devaluation of me... . Each post, each implied status... . aimed at me. Subtle at first. But more brazen as time passed. I would see all of this and wonder what it was that was transpiring in her thought process. What had i possibly done to her for this? Answer was simply, nothing. All that venom and pure nastiness... . was how she really felt about herself.

All of that projected at the one closest to them. Me. Her aim was precise. Lethal shots.

Initially, i tried to deflect her projectiles. There was only so much i could deflect. She would fire more and more. I stopped deflecting.

I began to absorb them. Part of me hoped foolishly she would stop. Her abuse continued. I lost my voice.

Then a realization dawned on me. This is what her childhood must have been like. Except, she was on the receiving end. I pictured a scared, little girl cowering in fright.

It doesnt condone how she treated me. But i somehow see where it may have originated from. Breaks my heart, nonetheless. All of this. I tumble still.

[Ironmanrises]

When my exUBPDgf started to devalue me in the second go around of the relationship... . even with all the articles and hundreds upon hundreds of posts i read on this forum... . as i watched how her treatment towards me turn more cold, distant, mean and what not... . I remember how utterly helpless i felt. That feeling only grew as her behavior intensified. I began to get anxiety attacks as she would post things on her Facebook and Instagram that would reflect the devaluation of me... . Each post, each implied status... . aimed at me. Subtle at first. But more brazen as time passed. I would see all of this and wonder what it was that was transpiring in her thought process. What had i possibly done to her for this? Answer was simply, nothing. All that venom and pure nastiness... . was how she really felt about herself.

All of that projected at the one closest to them. Me. Her aim was precise. Lethal shots.

Initially, i tried to deflect her projectiles. There was only so much i could deflect. She would fire more and more. I stopped deflecting.

I began to absorb them. Part of me hoped foolishly she would stop. Her abuse continued. I lost my voice.

Then a realization dawned on me. This is what her childhood must have been like. Except, she was on the receiving end. I pictured a scared, little girl cowering in fright.

It doesnt condone how she treated me. But i somehow see where it may have originated from. Breaks my heart, nonetheless. All of this. I tumble still.

[LoneWolf768]

Very, VERY well written post, Iron!

I, too, think what BPD'ers are doing know is administering a little payback to anyone that comes to resemble the abusive parent. All that emotionally abusive (perhaps sexually and physically abusive, also) inventory is finally breaking down the door and toppling onto someone she views as her father. 

I, too, feel somewhat sorry it happened to a child who couldn't defend herself.

[Ironmanrises]

Lone,

Thanks!

All of that abuse they must have endured can only be suppressed for so long.

I remember once, in the middle of the hellish devaluation phase... . I had given her advice on something pertaining to taking better care of herself and she literally hissed at me in response, "Yes, daddy!"... . I remember thinking she was just joking... . But she was not. The ferocity in her voice... . i was taken aback.

[Trick1004]

Iron,

Hang in there. I know my ex devalued me towards the end but last night a close friend of mine told me that she was talking quite badly about me several months prior to the breakup. Me and my ex were hanging out with my friend and his girlfriend at a bar and I left to go smoke or to the bathroom or something. I guess while I was gone my ex was just talking trash about me to them, both my buddy and his girlfriend were taken aback by this and he wanted to say something to me about it but was talked out of it by his girlfriend.

It is crazy to me that she would say those things about me to a friend I've had most of my life and who knows my character and who I am like a brother. I was a bit angry with him for not telling me sooner, but am very glad he shared that with me last night.

I can't imagine what she has been saying about me to her family and friends. I really don't care much at this point anymore. Hearing that from my friend though has reinforced the fact I was in a r/s with an emotionally stunted person and is another reason that will help me keep moving on.

[snappafcw]

Ironmanfalls your posts really relate to me. Out of everyone in this community i now feel your situation most resembles mine. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a private message. I hope things are getting better its nice to know there are people here who understand.

[Blaise]

At some point during the r/s, my dBPDexgf told me that I ressembled her father ... . and that she had to kill the father. That's what she did and, sadly, will probably continue doing. She was once abandonned by her father (and had no secure attachment with her mother) and she must feel "safe" now because she just confirmed her shema that she is worthless and that she will be abandonned: how she behave during the r/s and BU made me make some comments about her immaturity and she made me suffer so much that I have "abandonned" her (i.e. went NC to protect myself).

[Ittookthislong]

ironman, the sadness is the worst and the way it throws you into thinking, no, obsessing about very deep issues from your past is maddening. I went thru a lot of sadness, aching heart, confusion, rumination... .

then BLAM the anger. the angers intense.

I hadn't started researching till almost a year later, for all that time I thought I was insane. this bpard is awesome for that and itll help a lot. every time you doubt yourself its great to read a few posts, it always helps you realize your reactions are normal.

and they are, this may sound odd don't take this the wrong way I know this isnt match.com, hahah but my heart melts for all the nice men with stories like yours. its so nice to see men with the ability to reflect, and have insight. I know your in a lot of pain but its a sign that you are capable of awesome relationships in the future after the pain passes

[Ironmanrises]

Trick,

I am truly sorry that your ex had bad mouthed you like that. The betrayal in that alone is a hurt that echoes. It pains me to even read something like that cause I can feel that hurt. And it hurts more knowing that there was no justifiable reason for such betrayal. There are so many times I literally have to put my phone or iPad mini down because the posts I read on here I visualize and get flashbacks to my own ordeal. Permanent NC is the only thing to do... . otherwise the circle continues. Painted white. Painted black. Banished. Round and round. My psyche cannot take anymore pain. As much as I tried to love her, as much as I stood there while she riddled me with gaping holes through my Ironman suit... . there is no stopping the disorder from its brutal completion. My heart goes out to all of you on here. I have shed many tears reading all of your stories. I don't know who any of you are, but the pain reflected in your collective words resonates with me.

[Ironmanrises]

 Snap,

Thank you. Your story is indeed similar to mine.

I no longer turn to my closest friends to hear me, but to this forum.

Your understanding I really appreciate.

[Ironmanrises]

Blaise,

What a horrific thing for your ex to have told you. Further compounded by the fact that the image of her father and what she felt towards him was now replaced with your image... . thus you become the target for that. I am really sorry you had to experience that. I know how astounded and blown away you must have felt. And you did nothing wrong. My exUBPDgf had a similar unstable relationship with her step father(Possible UNPD) and mother(possible UBPD/UNPD)... . she would/ could not defend herself against them for fear of "cut off" from them. So that in turn was re targeted at me. I had no defense against it. Once the devaluation was triggered... . no stopping it. Almost like a tsunami that forms far out into the ocean... . from an earthquake you did not cause... . and you watch it come closer... . and you are paralyzed with fear... . your feelings already have taken root at your present location... . now you are stuck... . and the first wave makes landfall. That is what the devaluation felt like for me.

[Ironmanrises]

Ittookthislong,

The sadness is truly profound. The anger too... . I shut myself down as to try and contain that anger so I do not explode outward on people who have nothing to do with how I feel. I know it's unhealthy... . but these relationships leave so much damage and pain that us Nons have to process practically all of it. Plus the pain the SO leaves on top of all of that. It is no wonder so many of us are drained. No one should have to repair so much damage like that. Over and over.

It's nice to see a lot of the women on here are really nice people from what they write. It just saddens me that we are all undergoing this trauma. Thank you for your kind words, they are truly appreciated.