Abandonment question

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just joined the  site, still working through some issues and questions. Here's the one big one that's troubling me.

When I travel for work, my wife calls and texts constantly. There's always some "crisis" at home that needs "fixing." A fight with her parents, a fight with one of her kids, something that she HAS to discuss, at length, for sometimes hours while I'm trying to work. Once, during an important dinner meeting, she sent me a text saying our marriage was over if I didn't call her THAT INSTANT. What happened next was me missing over 30 minutes of the meeting.

This month, mostly due to her constant demands and interruptions, I am way behind on a deadline. Out of blue, she suggested I rent a place at the beach for a few days to get caught up. Knowing what usually happens in while I'm away (see above), I resisted. What was the point? But she kept at it, emailing me properties to consider and in short wouldn't stop until I relented and rented one. Of course, the texts, calls and emotional breakdowns, angry outbursts, tears, etc. have continued. If I don't call, I'm berated. If I don't immediately answer a text, I am questioned - no, interrogated.

Anywhere, here's my question: if fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, if separation causes major issues, why would she encourage a separation? To test me? Because she relishes the drama of doubt, suspicion, and gets satisfaction from it somehow? I'm very confused.

[yeager1003]

I just joined the  site, still working through some issues and questions. Here's the one big one that's troubling me.

When I travel for work, my wife calls and texts constantly. There's always some "crisis" at home that needs "fixing." A fight with her parents, a fight with one of her kids, something that she HAS to discuss, at length, for sometimes hours while I'm trying to work. Once, during an important dinner meeting, she sent me a text saying our marriage was over if I didn't call her THAT INSTANT. What happened next was me missing over 30 minutes of the meeting.

This month, mostly due to her constant demands and interruptions, I am way behind on a deadline. Out of blue, she suggested I rent a place at the beach for a few days to get caught up. Knowing what usually happens in while I'm away (see above), I resisted. What was the point? But she kept at it, emailing me properties to consider and in short wouldn't stop until I relented and rented one. Of course, the texts, calls and emotional breakdowns, angry outbursts, tears, etc. have continued. If I don't call, I'm berated. If I don't immediately answer a text, I am questioned - no, interrogated.

Anywhere, here's my question: if fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, if separation causes major issues, why would she encourage a separation? To test me? Because she relishes the drama of doubt, suspicion, and gets satisfaction from it somehow? I'm very confused.

[maxsterling]

My girlfriend seems to not trust things when all is well and quiet.  It's like she can't believe I am a nice guy, can't believe I want to be with her.  And she actually has stated as much.  She says she is "waiting for the other shoe to drop," or "will eventually leave her for another woman."

I think part of her feeds off conflict.  It's like she is used to couples fighting and jobs and life being stressful so that if the world isn't behaving that way, she feels uncomfortable and distrustful.

And I have found her numerous times asking me or suggesting I do certain things that upset her when I actually do them.  One time, she actually said I should break up with her.  So I did, and she flipped out.  One time she complained the bathroom was dirty, so I cleaned it, and she flipped out because I was cleaning the bathroom. 

I'm not sure why your wife would suggest you go away, only to get uptight while you are gone.  But perhaps this is her subconscious way of validating the way she views the world. Because of past experiences, she may expect everyone to abandon her and her have to beg them to come back, including you.  She may want you to leave for a few days so that the universe is still working the way she has been brought up to believe.

[Scout99]

Anywhere, here's my question: if fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, if separation causes major issues, why would she encourage a separation? To test me? Because she relishes the drama of doubt, suspicion, and gets satisfaction from it somehow? I'm very confused.

Simply put, since the fear of one day being abandoned is greater and more painful than it actually happening... . Our fantasies around something horrible that we fear becomes unbearable when we also feel we have no control over the situation. That is we don't know when or if it is actually going to happen so it is like living in it 24/7 once we start to obsess about it... . If translated to a "less disordered situation" it is like how it feels for a person afraid of the dentist, sitting in the dentist waiting room... . The anxiety level usually comes very close to a peak there right before we hear our name being called... . Then once in the dentists chair, we may experience a bit of pain if he hits a nerve with the drill, but compared to the discomfort and the stress from the anxiety in the waiting room it is usually way more endurable to actually have your tooth drilled, than fantasizing and worrying about it beforehand... .

To put it to your situation... . She instigates the separation since if you respond to it and agrees to it, that gives her some relief... . Then she knows you are "abandoning" her... . And then that gives her permission to get angry with you. Which too releases a lot of anxiety and pain and also opens up the possibility to project some of the painful shame and guilt onto you and making you a bad person for leaving her... . I mean by then the whole thing becomes your fault!  even though she is the instigator... . In her mind that was only a catalyst to make you reveal your true wishes... . Right?

If you instead refuse to go along with her spaced out idea... . Then that too gives her a bit of relief, since then you settle her fear of you leaving her temporarily... . See... . It is a win win for her... .

So yes, part of it is testing you... . Seeing if she indeed can push you away, (realizing her worst fears), or if she has control over you still and can make you stay, (allowing her to exhale and relax for a bit... . Until the anxiety level rises again... . )

It is hard to give advice to anyone about this... . Since this is part of who they are, part of how the disorder defines them. And the only way I know they can change is through treatment and therapy. And that too only if they themselves are truly motivated... .

I think the best thing we can do in times like these is to remain true to ourselves. Keep up our boundaries and not go along with stuff we don't want to go along with or that makes us uncomfortable... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Seppe]

I am guessing it is more of a defense mechanism than a conscious decision to test you.  She sees you are under the stress of the deadline and is setting up a defense for herself when she gets angry because you are abandoning her for your work.

I go on a hunting trip every year. This year my s/o packed everything for me, left me nice notes in my stuff telling me how much she loved me, all week prior to the trip she told me how excited she was because she knew how happy it made me.  Then, of course, the day I got back she got very very angry over something insignificant. 

From her stand point she was not angry at me for leaving.  As she reminded me, she supported me going as evidence by the fact that she had packed all of my stuff, etc... .

So, it's my guess that your wife is doing these things to prove to herself (and you) that she is not mad/anxious about you taking time away from her for work. After all, SHE suggested to YOU that you take the time to yourself and even emailed you some properties.

[schwing]

Hi Yeager1003 and  

When I travel for work, my wife calls and texts constantly. There's always some "crisis" at home that needs "fixing." A fight with her parents, a fight with one of her kids, something that she HAS to discuss, at length, for sometimes hours while I'm trying to work. Once, during an important dinner meeting, she sent me a text saying our marriage was over if I didn't call her THAT INSTANT. What happened next was me missing over 30 minutes of the meeting.

It might be helpful for you to look up the term "object constancy."  It is understood that people with BPD (pwBPD) *lack* object constancy.  Object constancy is something that non-disordered people take for granted.

One aspect of object constancy, is that when our loved one isn't immediately available and/or visible to us, we can still recall the security of our attachment.  Just because I can no longer see my wife at right this instant, I am still comfortable in knowing that my attachment to her, and her attachment to me is pretty much the same as the last time I was in her company (this morning).  However, this is not the case for people who *lack* object constancy.

For people who lack object constancy, when they cannot see or engage in their attachment, their "object", then they question the attachment, they wonder if that object is still attached to them because they have not *internalized* this attachment (or perhaps any attachment).  So they cannot maintain the "constancy" of their "object".  So it's a little like they have emotional amnesia.

When you are away.  She can suddenly experience a fear that you are no longer attached to her.  And this is why she will on occasion call you up frantically to verify that you are actually still attached to her.  In a sense, this behavior is an expression of their disordered fear of abandonment.  She is trying to get in touch with you to desperately verify that you have *not* suddenly abandoned her.

Another aspect of her disordered fear of abandonment, is that she will experience this fear even it the potential for this abandonment exists only in her head (i.e., you have no intention of leaving her).  So this is why she will often accuse you of considering to leave her, because she will imagine it from time to time, or often.  And it is more comforting to her believe that her disorder feelings have more to do with your intention than her mental illness.

This month, mostly due to her constant demands and interruptions, I am way behind on a deadline. Out of blue, she suggested I rent a place at the beach for a few days to get caught up. Knowing what usually happens in while I'm away (see above), I resisted. What was the point? But she kept at it, emailing me properties to consider and in short wouldn't stop until I relented and rented one. Of course, the texts, calls and emotional breakdowns, angry outbursts, tears, etc. have continued. If I don't call, I'm berated. If I don't immediately answer a text, I am questioned - no, interrogated.

Anywhere, here's my question: if fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, if separation causes major issues, why would she encourage a separation? To test me? Because she relishes the drama of doubt, suspicion, and gets satisfaction from it somehow? I'm very confused.

Why would she encourage a separation?  I can imagine a lot of reasons.  

(1) She is experiencing this disordered fear that you intend to abandon her.  But she is having difficulty coping with these feelings.  She either considers that she is *disordered* and that her feelings are a product of her disorder, or else she needs to believe that you are the reason why she feels this way.  And so... . if she persuades you to go on a trip, she has (in her mind) a justifiable reason why she is experiencing her disordered fear of abandonment.  And she can consciously blame you.

She is setting you up, so that she can knock you down.  Because she is not ready or willing to consider that the problem resides within her.

(2) When she is *with* you, she doesn't experience this anxiety when you are not around her.  Moreover, she cannot recall how she experiences separation anxiety *even though* she has experienced this many times before.  You know what they say about people who do the same things over and over, each time expecting a different result.  So when she suggested that you take a trip, at that moment, she has truly no idea that she is going to have a hard time later on.

(3) She has an ulterior reason for asking you to take a trip.  When pwBPD have trouble dealing with their disordered fear of abandonment, one way to mitigate this fear is to be the one who abandons first, even if it is only for a short time, such as in a short affair.  Perhaps she asked you to take this trip so that she can have this affair.  But for one reason or another, this affair does not work out and she is left with just dumping on you for her disordered feelings.

Fear of abandonment is at the core of this disorder.  But it can drive pwBPD to act in many different ways as a means to "avoid" this perceived (if imagined) abandonment.  It may be that they are not even consciously aware of this fear but end up acting on it instinctually.  

Hope some of this helps.

Best wishes, Schwing

[yeager1003]

Thanks, Schwing. My gut is it's probably very close to #2. I should have listened to my gut. She has interrupted and monopolized my time MORE on this trip which was made for the sole purpose of having uninterrupted time to work!  She asked me last night in a call that lasted over an hour how much work I had got done. When I told her, she was surprised. "How come you haven't got more done?" I almost choked.