He wrecked the house

[Sadsue]

After a lovely day something I said triggered him and he stormed home without me and has now wrecked the house, broke our wedding photo, smashed glasses and pots, wrecked my bedside cabinet breaking all the drawers, threw a can of beer at me so hard I have the circle of the can marked on my thigh, he needs serious help and I am scared and don't know what to do. 

He is so ill, I want to help him but can't take anymore

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, Sadsue. 

This is really scary. Call the police! Your safety first!

Reaching out for a DV helpdesk would be very important too.

Are you both in the house?

[Sadsue]

Yeh both in the house, he has stopped smashing things now and is say in the other room with his head in his hands.  I am not going to attempt any contact with him tonight.  I have cleaned up the mess, why do I love such an angry man.  We've had a great week and now this! Nobody knows the hell I am living. 

I wish I didn't love him as I do, if I didn't have such very strong feelings I would just walk out of the door and out of his life.  I almost wish he would leave me, take the decision out of my hands.  We've only been married 6 months, I am so so unhappy and never experienced sadness like it :-(

[MammaMia]

sadsue

Has your h been diagnosed with BPD?  Surnia is right... . call the police but it should be done BEFORE you clean up the mess so they can see the violence he inflicted.

If I were you, I would leave and stay with family or friends.  Do not sugar-coat the incident.  It is domestic violence, regardless of what caused it.

Has he ever exhibited this kind of rage before?  Was he drinking before this attack?

Mental illness and alcohol are a dangerous combination, that is why I ask.

In any event.  He needs help.  Insist he get it or leave.  The next thing he breaks could be you! 

[Sadsue]

Yes he had been drinking and has been like this before but not as bad, he hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but manic depression but there is more to it than that but he refuses to go back and ask for help.  He takes anti depressants and shouldn't drink at all but does. 

I don't want friends and family to know because as awful as this sounds I don't want to split from him, he has got a lot worse since being married even though its only been 6 months.  He show no affection, rarely talks to me, rarely gets intimate with me and when we do its always me that initiates, I feel conned, feel as though he pretended to be someone he wasn't. 

I am ok, he is calm now and I am keeping away, thank you all x

[Surnia]

Oh, Sadsue,

Manic depression and alcohol can be terrible. I went trough it with my brother who is diagnosed with manic depression too.

[MammaMia]

sadsue

Why do you want to stay?   Do you really believe this will pass, and he will be fine?  The chances for this without medical help for alcohol and bipolar issues is slim to none.  

You could try marriage counseling but I doubt he would go.  Unfortunately, sometimes mental illness gets worse after marriage.  I think it allows behavior that would otherwise be kept in check. because you might leave.  To some, marriage equals possession.  They can do as they please and because you are married, it is ok.  You CANNOT leave them because they own you.  

I am sorry to say this, but you need to face facts.  Your h is NOT the man you thought he was, and he may never really be who he pretended to be.  Things could get worse.  Much worse.  Who cares what other people think... . this is your life... . not theirs.  Are you willing to live  in fear the rest of your life?  

Please think about taking care of yourself.  You cannot fix this alone.  

Do not be a martyr.  Condoning his behavior will not help either of you.  

[Surnia]

How are you today, sadsue?

[viccijo]

Sadsue please keep yourself safe.

Has he only ever smashed things, never attacked you?

My udBPDh started off with smashing things but eventually he moved up to pushing and spitting in my face. This then led to strangulation, throwing me and elbowing me in the face.

You need to get yourself in a position of safety until he works out his issues. I was the same as you, I spent so long wishing he would leave and take the decision out of my hands. He threatened to many times but when I told him to go he would cry and beg to stay. Eventually he did take the decision out of my hands, I found a crack pipe in his pocket and heroin... . I guess he did me a favour?

Please put yourself and your own safety first at all times and come and talk to the amazing survivors on here whenever you need to. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

Sending hugs

[momtara]

I know you may not want to call the police.  At least take some photos, including one of your leg.  Maybe have a doctor look at it as well.  At least  have documentation if this happens again. 

[KHC_33]

My partner used to the same thing. He break the computer, throw VHS at the wall, broke the table and chairs, smash items like bullet express that I loved! Things like that. Then blamed it on me because I pissed him off. You cannot helps someone that doesn't want to be helped. Trying to smooth it over, and trying to make him "feel" better is way beyond what you can do. Not your job.

I took me 6 1/2 years for me to realize that sacrificing myself doesn't give me any awards or metals. In the end I have to choose what is best for my own sanity. He may never get better... . who knows. He still to this day blames me. That is fine, he can do whatever he wishes because that is his own life (only he has control of it, only he can fix it).

I understand how you feel, I have hidden bruises, I have lied for him, I have covered up so much. No one deserves to be prisoner in their own home or by their partner. Remember one thing if you can... . love yes (can hurt at times) but love does not abuse. Once you realize the things you have put up with isn't love. what is there then?

Hugs, 

[Sadsue]

Hi all, I'm doing ok today, had very little contact with him today, kept out of his way.  He is calm right now, his daughter is staying for the next 3 nights and he never rages in front of her so all is peaceful tonight.  He has never hit me but I have been caught in the crossfire of his flying objects, actually feeling quite strong today because I know I didn't do anything, I know it's his issues and he has to work them out on his own.

I haven't taken photos but I have kept a daily journal for the last 12 months as that was when I really started to see his dysregulation.  I could take some on my phone but don't want to risk him or anyone else finding them.

Last night I had also had a few drinks, too many to drive so have decided to keep off the drink completely so that I can leave the house if need be, even if its late at night. 

Interestingly today he has been working out, bought healthy food, not had a drink, he drinks most nights at home so even though I wouldn't say this to him I think he realises his diet and drink in particular makes him rage, so I am taking this as him realising he was out of order last night, I would never get an apology but I feel this is recognition by him that he acted badly. 

I will update tomorrow, thank you all for your support and caring. X

[MammaMia]

KHC

Cs and three Gs:

I didn't cause it.

I can't control it.

I can't cure it.

Get off BP's back.

Get out of the BP's way.

Get on with your own life.

I really like this.  thank you.

[Sadsue]

Thanks Mamma Mia

This is so true, I wish I could print it out and pin it on our fridge. 

I need to remind myself of this during his next rage x

[GreenMango]

Have you reread your journals? Is he getting worse? 

Sometimes it easy to minimize the events with time.

[MammaMia]

sadsue

Pictures speak a thousand words.  Also, tape recordings.  Journals can be suspect because it is hard to prove they are authentic and factual.

Just something to think about.

[Surnia]

Sadsue

I am glad you are better today. 

Staying away from alcohol is a good idea.

Good question from GreenMango. I am wondering about this too.

[Emelie Emelie]

Sue he may not seek help but you can.  I understand that you may not want to leave the marriage at this time but you do need some support.  This is violent  behavior and it can escalate.  If you're not able to see a therapist please check into the resources in your community.  I would also suggest you have a plan in case you  need to leave at any time.  A bag in your trunk, some cash, somewhere or someone to go to etc.

I am sorry Sue.  You must be heartbroken.  We are all here for you.

[Sadsue]

Hi, been thinking about what you've been saying about taking photos and after a bit of searching this morning I have come across an app called Keep Safe.  It is an iPhone camera app that takes and stores photos and is PIN number protected.  This keeps photos off your normal camera roll so no chance of anyone accidentally seeing them.  I have then put the app in a sub folder so it's relatively hidden. 

Even if he were to see the app he wouldn't be able to access it without the pin and it isn't obvious what it is.

Unfortunately I have cleaned up the house and do wish I had found it before I did but this morning I have taken photos of my bruised leg, a perfect round bruise from the bottom of the can he threw at me.

Thanks for the advice.