Moving on

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a while since I've been on... . and things haven't changed one bit.  I have an apt tomorrow with an attorney to see what my options are.  After a massive blowout last week, I have given my wife papers to sign (a dissolution which does not require an attorney where we live).  This is after I offered her a separation with the condition that she attend therapy for herself (she refuses therapy - says she doesn't need a "quack" to tell her how to live) and have begged her for two years to go seek help of some sort.  I've just had enough... . enough for me and more importantly enough for my S6, who most certainly doesn't deserve to live in this environment (uBPDw is step-mom; bio mom and i get along great, as well as step-dad).

And I feel guilty.  Super guilty.  She's been so nice the past few days... . my in-laws are even now all of sudden on the scene (which we rarely see them)... .

I know it's all an act to get me to feel bad and not go through with it.  I know if I play along that it won't take but a month to get right back to where we are... . but I feel horrible, like I'm taking my toys and going home or something (very out of character for me!). 

I've been advised by my T that I should prepare for months of her "standing her ground" and other defiant behavior; anything to get me to stick around and be subject to her abuse. 

Ugh. 

Thanks for letting me rant a bit

[ts919]

It's been a while since I've been on... . and things haven't changed one bit.  I have an apt tomorrow with an attorney to see what my options are.  After a massive blowout last week, I have given my wife papers to sign (a dissolution which does not require an attorney where we live).  This is after I offered her a separation with the condition that she attend therapy for herself (she refuses therapy - says she doesn't need a "quack" to tell her how to live) and have begged her for two years to go seek help of some sort.  I've just had enough... . enough for me and more importantly enough for my S6, who most certainly doesn't deserve to live in this environment (uBPDw is step-mom; bio mom and i get along great, as well as step-dad).

And I feel guilty.  Super guilty.  She's been so nice the past few days... . my in-laws are even now all of sudden on the scene (which we rarely see them)... .

I know it's all an act to get me to feel bad and not go through with it.  I know if I play along that it won't take but a month to get right back to where we are... . but I feel horrible, like I'm taking my toys and going home or something (very out of character for me!). 

I've been advised by my T that I should prepare for months of her "standing her ground" and other defiant behavior; anything to get me to stick around and be subject to her abuse. 

Ugh. 

Thanks for letting me rant a bit

[Seppe]

TS:  I struggle with guilt as well; it's what is preventing me from leaving.

I feel selfish.  I feel like I am giving up on someone who I care about.  In our better moments, she has been really good for me; made me self aware of some things I needed to work on, then when she needs me, I want out. 

I imagine we are alike:  I am used to fixing others' problems, even if it means swallowing hard to do it.  I think of myself as being able to bear the burden of others I love.  I am slowly realizing, however, that type of martyr image I have of myself is ridiculous.  It helps me when I accept I am most likely not as important as I think I am. 

[ts919]

Seppe:

Your last sentence made me smile

I'm very much the same way... . I've become a martyr.  I am the caretaker to the extreme and I feel such immense guilt for wanting to leave.  There have been some situations involving my son that had anyone else done them, I would've cut the communication off immediately; for some reason, since it's her, I've accepted her half-ass apologies (or complete lack of awareness that anything was out of line) and let it go.  This, on top of countless other situations... . it's an endless list/cycle. 

I meet with my attorney this evening... . here in about a half hour.  I've just really become someone I never thought I'd be... . and it has to stop now.

[KHC_33]

Seppe:

Your last sentence made me smile

I'm very much the same way... . I've become a martyr.  I am the caretaker to the extreme and I feel such immense guilt for wanting to leave.  There have been some situations involving my son that had anyone else done them, I would've cut the communication off immediately; for some reason, since it's her, I've accepted her half-ass apologies (or complete lack of awareness that anything was out of line) and let it go.  This, on top of countless other situations... . it's an endless list/cycle. 

I meet with my attorney this evening... . here in about a half hour.  I've just really become someone I never thought I'd be... . and it has to stop now.

I too, have also said the same thing to myself. I've become a martyr... . I have always felt the need I have to rescue people. Partly because of how needy my mother was. I wasn't allow not to help and if I didn't I was selfish. I was shamed. Guilt.

Good luck at your attorneys office. Just remember this brings you one step closer to healing. 

[ts919]

Thanks KHC!  The meeting went well; I'm feeling much better about the situation at the moment.  I got some questions answered and feel much more confident about how it will go down.  She does not know that I visited an attorney but she is currently in her "suck up" phase of her cycle (that's my nickname for it ).  All of a sudden the house is magically clean, the dishes are done, there is a devotional book sitting on the kitchen table... . and I didn't do any of it! 

This will last about 2 weeks, or until I need to buy son soccer cleats for his first year in soccer... . then there's a good chance that devotional book will end up flying through the air at my head. 

Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm just in a good mood this morning for the first time in ages - between the attorney meeting last night and going out with some friends for the first time in ages, I'm on cloud 9!

[KHC_33]

Thanks KHC!  The meeting went well; I'm feeling much better about the situation at the moment.  I got some questions answered and feel much more confident about how it will go down.  She does not know that I visited an attorney but she is currently in her "suck up" phase of her cycle (that's my nickname for it ).  All of a sudden the house is magically clean, the dishes are done, there is a devotional book sitting on the kitchen table... . and I didn't do any of it! 

This will last about 2 weeks, or until I need to buy son soccer cleats for his first year in soccer... . then there's a good chance that devotional book will end up flying through the air at my head. 

Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm just in a good mood this morning for the first time in ages - between the attorney meeting last night and going out with some friends for the first time in ages, I'm on cloud 9!

That's awesome. I had a counseling appointment this am. She made me feel amazing. She told me she is amazed how much work I have done on myself in a short amount of time. I brought the book stop walking on egg shells & showed her all piles of notes I had. Like you that cloud 9 ... it exists for people who truly find health & healing within themselves. Coming to that realization & allowing myself to look on the mirror where lies the why I got myself here & how to stop the repetitive patterns. Finally I can be free. Not oh I wish I had a man to kiss my wounds & make me better. No... . I need to examine my own wounds & be honest with my own behaviors ad deal and relearn proper ones that I never was taught. I see things so clearly. Knowledge is power it's an awakening that I longed for. No one is meeting my needs ... . I'm meeting my own. This is what its like to love yourself... . well I'm all for it!