Day 45 of NC and my thoughts

[Ironmanrises]

It is currently 45 days of NC(first time she left me was a few days shy of 3 months of NC)... . Which means that I am half way through if her past behavior repeats itself of possible contact.

What she has been doing all this time? Unknown. I honestly rather not know.

It would only hurt me.

What have I been doing all this time? Free falling from space. Trying to rebuild my shattered Ironman suit. Sorry, it's my way of visualizing my ordeal. Rebuilding my self esteem. It was at about 0 when she left for second time.

Both my Facebook and Instagram have been permanently closed since she left. That portal to the Internet world was how she stalked me during 3 months of NC last time. That portal is now closed to protect myself.

Is she with someone else? Unknown. It would only hurt me if I knew.

Have I spoken to other women since? No. I can even barely look people in the eyes anymore. I do not like what I see. My trust in others is gone.

Will she try and re-engage me again? Yes. She has does this once. I let her back in. A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I cannot allow that again. It will only hurt me. I don't want to know how much more hurt I need to experience before enough is enough. My tumble from space continues.

Will I try and re-engage her? No. I didn't before. I will not. Only hurt awaits me.

Ironmanfalls

[seeking balance]

Ironmanfalls,

We can only be responsible for our part - nothing more and nothing less.

You are doing your part to heal - 

Are you able to feel a little bit proud of yourself for the discipline you have shown these past 45 days?

Peace,

SB

[clairedair]

Hi Ironmanfalls,

you are in a miserable place right now but you seem to have enough insight to know that you need to protect yourself and that you can do that by staying NC.   I can't be fully NC because of children but I do find that I am better when I have long periods between contact. 

It's not so much that things between us were nasty - more that it was so confusing that I'd feel like I was going crazy or was hurt by his rewriting of our history.  If we had increasingly amicable contact, we'd end up back together.  So the only way to be safe was to limit contact. 

Fortunately, he quickly remarried this time.  Not easy (understatement) but I made sure not to do anything that would risk him not going through with the wedding as by then I realised that his being totally involved with someone else was the only way I was going to get the space and time to heal because I had not been disciplined enough to stay apart before.

What is it that makes it difficult to look others in the eye?

[Relentless]

She left you once before and came back after 3 months of NC? Would you mind sharing your story. If not its ok. I'm so sorry you are hurting, or void of emotion if that.

I'm lost myself, don't know what to do. First time experiencing this stuff. I'm on day 7 of NC... . And it's incredibly hard. I begged and what not for 2-4 weeks with 3-6 days of NC mixed in.

I'm struggling now, but you have helped to give me hope of staying NC. I wish I could do something for you.

I'm just sorry you're going through this ordeal.

[Ironmanrises]

Seeking Balance,

Even though I have shown the discipline for 45 days... . I was able to do this for twice the length the first time she left me. And I gave in. If proud... . Yes and no at the same time. I need to successfully resist permanently any future contact from her. She lives 5 hours away from me so the distance does help, but she knows exactly where I work and where I live.

I am responsible for my part, you are right about that.


Clair,

I can only imagine how even the limited contact must hurt you. And the fact you can't even go full NC... . I am really sorry. And that he quickly remarried... . how absolutely horrific. I am so sorry that you have to endure that. The damage in their wake... . no words.

I am miserable. I draw people's faces as a hobby(only discovered that I knew how to draw after one of the darkest times in my life back in 2010). Since the devaluation started... . with the inevitable discard... . I have not been able to draw. At all. No will to do so. So my drawings remain unfinished. Stagnant.

When the devaluation started... . and missile after missile was fired from her at me... . after a while a continuous barrage of them... . I began to retreat into myself. When she left for the 2nd time, since then I can no longer people in the eyes because I was present in her house the very last time I was with her and saw the full transformation of that other side. That nice side of her(towards me) was no longer present. The way she looked at me. The disgust in her eyes. That is what I saw when I looked into her eyes. A complete stranger. I was horrified. Shook. Since that day... . I replay that look in my mind. I never want anyone to ever look at me like that again. I honestly don't know how else to describe it.

Relentless,

I know I haven't posted my full story in new members board. I will. It is not easy for me to let it all out... . so I have been sharing parts of it here and there. It hurts me to reread what I write.

I can certainly imagine your struggle... . you are in early stages if it. I am really sorry you are going through that. I know, and everyone else here knows, the pain you are feeling. I know it hurts like nothing else.

Keep reading the posts on here. It is what has helped and continues to help me. The fact that my words reached you, that in itself means a lot. NC is only way to go.

[snappafcw]

I know that look of death all too well. That was the last look i ever got from her in face to face contact... . I was sad for her as well she looked hollow like an empty shell as many people say on here. What we need to remember Ironmanfalls is there behaviour is about them and not us. Keep doing the right thing and working on you. I mentioned that I saw my ex's instagram the other day and all her photos just scream for attention and validation like a spoilt little girl. They will never know who they are or what they want. We can find someone new and fall in love with someone worthy of our love we just need to send out the right message. I'm about 80 days NC now. Her last email was fishing for validation. it seemed like a half back apology at first but her motives in the end were for me not to hate her. i didn't reply again and I haven't heard from her since if these people wanted to be in our lives they would be mental illness or not so we need to stick to the NC to detach.

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

That hollow look... . I am so sorry you experienced that too. I know how that must have completely scrambled you on the inside because that is not the person you allowed in your walls. The flashbacks alone... . kill me. It felt like I had done something do atrocious to her to be looked at in that way. Almost as if I could feel the hate dripping from her.

So unnerving. And those pics you saw of her... . most people who are not intimate with your ex will not see what you see. I remember trying to tell that to my close friends and showing them what she would post... . no matter what I said to them... . they would tell me, but she seems fine in those pics and posting. They couldn't and wouldn't get it.

She will try and contact you again. The very fact it happens at least once is a strong indicator that it will again and again. Keep up with the NC... . Only thing to do.

[clairedair]

I think 'the look' is quite common.  I like to be creative and I once made a collage of magazine cuttings, photos etc.  Found it last night and the first thing I noticed was a photo of him from years ago.  He was looking at me and smiling - his eyes lit up.  Next to it I'd pasted a more recent photo.  He was looking at me with contempt.  Scary. 

When he wanted to reconcile, I'd get the loving look again - definitely one of the 'hooks'.  I know that he was genuinely delighted to see me walk into a room at those times.  It just wouldn't last and I'd get the stony face in response to a smile from me.  Makes my insides go cold just typing it!

How do you look at yourself?  Do you see a reflection of what she thinks or what those who love you in a healthy way think?

take care,

Claire

PS keep trying to draw - I feel 'stagnant' too at times but when I can be creative, I find it therapeutic.  Sometimes even just scribbling frantically across a blank page is enough for me - no attempt to paint/draw, just letting the pencil act as conduit for my frustration.

[letmeout]

I can't say enough good things about NO contact, it keeps you from getting sucked back in. It may be hard to do but sometimes its the only way out.

[Ironmanrises]

Clair,

I know exactly what you mean by scary. Insides going cold... . i know that feeling too. I try and interlace the two images i have of my ex... . the one that came back and the one that looked at me with the hate. My mind shuts down in the process. Literally, unable to compute. Makes me feel like a failure. Not only did i allow this person entrance back into my life after she left me the first time knowing full well what was in store for me... . i compromised my future self in the process.

How do i look at mysef?

I no longer trust my judgement. I consider myself a compassionate person. My compassion and empathy with her completely backfired on me. It was the conduit used against me. My compassion for her had no positive effect on her. I no longer remember what healthy love is.

My drawings need to flow out of me... . as a result of all of this... . my outflow has fizzled out.

Letmeout,

I was doing fine towards the latter part of my first NC with her when she first left me. Difference though, my feelings for her were not as heavily invested. Yes, NC is only way to go.

[Moonie75]

I was doing fine towards the latter part of my first NC with her when she first left me. Difference though, my feelings for her were not as heavily invested. Yes, NC is only way to go.

I've read this SO MANY TIMES on these boards!

They seem to have a 6th sense about when time is just about running out and BOOM! They come back with the most incredibly convoluted plan to re-engage us.

In my opinion, that's when our true test begins!

[snappafcw]

I think if my Ex contacted me stonewalling is harsh even if I have every right too for my own sake. I'd just be honest in my replies. I don't expect a rational response or to get anything out of it I guess with myself personally I think I would just feel better saying what I honestly think... . she could get nasty... . disregard my feelings but none of that matters as long as i expect it.

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

Yes, they do. Mine certainly did. The first time she left me, I was still actively using Facebook and Instagram for the first 2 months of NC. I had her blocked on both. Or so I thought. She actively stalked me from a fake account and sent me screenshots of stuff I was posting on Facebook from that time period. I had no idea she was watching me. I decided to further my healing by temporarily closing both accounts for a month which happened to be the 3rd month of NC.

When I reopened both accounts, she re-engaged me the very next day of me re opening them. I thought the timing was freakish.

I was wrong. She told me so when I took her back in. "I want my man back."

I remember telling her, "what would have happened if I was seeing someone else after you left me?"... .

Her response, "I would have done everything in my power to break you up. You are MY man."

My portal to that Internet world remains closed. See how she stalked me. I cannot allow that again.

Snap,

I understand what you are saying. She however will not see that rationale. Any verbal exchange with her will only result in eventual pain for you. We never get the real closure from them. The disorder will not allow that.

Such chaos in their wake.

[goodguy]

I can even barely look people in the eyes anymore. I do not like what I see. My trust in others is gone.

Ironmanfalls

This rings so true for me. I have a heard time trusting people in general, not just romantic partners. I see ulterior motives in everybody.

[peas]

Wow, Ironman, I'm 44 days NC. Not a peep from him either.

And like you, I live five hours away from my ex. I don't think that has made a difference in NC difficulty on my end -- it's just as excruciating as if I was local -- but I think for him it's easier because in his mind he can fully cut me out. I'm not there. Out of sight, out of town, out of mind for a pwBPD.

In past recycles my bf and I would only go a couple days without contact. He always did the breaking up and returning. When he broke up with me, I figured it's what he wants so I didn't chase. The longest NC before this final break up was 10 days.

He is done with me. He is still in my system, but I don't want to undo the personal work I have done post-breakup. I don't want to know about his life and if he is seeing anyone. I would feel like a fool if I tried to reach him. I'd look weak and I want him to think I'm on top of my game, even though I'm a wreck.

[Moonie75]

He is still in my system, but I don't want to undo the personal work I have done post-breakup. I don't want to know about his life and if he is seeing anyone. I would feel like a fool if I tried to reach him. I'd look weak and I want him to think I'm on top of my game, even though I'm a wreck.

The endurance test we all suffer! 

[seeking balance]

I want him to think I'm on top of my game, even though I'm a wreck.

I want you to really think about this - why on earth do you care what the person who has contributed to your "wrecked" feelings - a person you think is mentally ill (or you wouldn't be here) thinks?

Wouldn't a more helpful approach to this be:

"I am not going to contact him because I deserve more and I deserve to heal because I am worth it"

Self talk is very critical to healing and rebuilding our own sense of worth - it takes diligence.

Hope you don't feel like I am picking on you Peas -you simply gave me verbiage to pull that is applicable for  most everyone on this thread as the core theme in this thread is self worth and self talk. 

[Learning_curve74]

How do i look at mysef?

I no longer trust my judgement. I consider myself a compassionate person. My compassion and empathy with her completely backfired on me. It was the conduit used against me. My compassion for her had no positive effect on her. I no longer remember what healthy love is.

Ironman, don't lose yourself! Your compassion and empathy are strengths, not faults or weaknesses. You only got caught up in a situation where your strengths were used against you. Your BPDex was like a judo master who used your own strength as a weapon against you, and the stronger you were, the more she could hurt you. When you went NC, it no longer gave her something to grab to work her judo on you.

I am coming around to the feeling that a lot of us on the leaving board are working towards understanding we deserve better and deserve more.

[peas]

Thanks, Seeking Balance. Yes, I do need a reminder sometimes of why I really should be NC. It needs to be about me, not him.

[Ironmanrises]

Learning curve,

Thank you for the kind words. Very good analogy. She really did use that against me. NC is the final barrier that can protect me so I can heal.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm so sorry Ironman.  I know how much this hurts.  She's taken a lot from you... . don't let her take your "trust in others" as well.  What we've all learned here is how to spot red flags.  Unhealthy behaviors.  I think when you've healed a bit you'll be able to trust "trustworthy" people.  And hopefully we'll all be better at recognizing untrustworthy people.

[letmeout]

For me I find that it took time and effort to stop being negative after being sucked in and abused by a BPD partner. It makes you feel like a victim, but you are a survivor!

Not letting them take up any more space in your brain is easier said than done, and you have to make a conscious effort to do that.

My ex also stalked me for a while, and even after 2 years of no contact I hear that he is still on a smear campaign against me (maybe from the guilt and shame he has for being so abusive?). 

I have since realized that there are many sane and wonderful people in the world. Trust yourself to find them, and steer away from the red flag people.