Hey there,
I think that you can safely call your spouse BPD if you see the symptoms. There are many of us here whose spouses are not diagnosed. Regardless of whether your layman diagnosis is accurate... . the tools work well for other mental illness and even communication with "regular" people.
We promise not to tell if you got it wrong.
BPDs are all individuals about sex. Some are over the top (sexual addiction... . want it non-stop), some are cold and have trouble with intimacy of any sort. Some view having children as an impediment to sex (husband feels neglected because mom now has to worry about children's needs as well as husbands... . abandonment sort of thing)... . some view introduction of kids as completing a need for family (my husband became more secure once we had our son).
My husband and I didn't have any issue after having children... . but that's just us. He figured it would be less of a reason for me to leave him (constant abandonment fears in our house).
I think your issues may just be normal couple stuff (except that obviously your husband doesn't have normal communication/ coping tools). Its not that your husband necessarily wants you to go out and have sex with another man while he watches (... . in fact that would probably make him pretty mad if you showed up one day after work with another man... . he might but he might just want to have a fantasy). He may just be getting bored with the vanilla stuff. He may be looking for the more carnal side of sexuality and he's trying to get something else going (as in even a little excitement naughtiness) by just talking about it. I wonder if you could 'humor him' in a way that doesn't violate your own morals and values to see where it goes and see if he opens up.
My husband certainly has fantasies that cross my own moral willingness but I have found ways to incorporate them at home/ in our bed without anyone else involved. It requires a lot of trust to explore these areas but opening up to his needs and wants may be very rewarding even in your normal non-sex life
Hope this helps. Sorry for the x rated post
