I hope we can come out of this.

[djkrock]

The summary of our current problem is that my wife flew into a rage over me talking to a coworker.  (Being flirtatious she says). The rage ended up with her threatening suicide and harm to me convincingly enough that I called the police she was taken to a recover center and had to stay for 4 days.  (It wasn't the first time that she said she wanted to die, but the first time that she convinced me she might actually do it)  She had a horrible experience there as she was placed in a fairly high security area and was not in with what I would consider folks in need of therapy, but rather  folks in need of long term hospitalization.  It has been a horrible three days since she returned, with her going from hate to depression, to are you going to leave me all within a few hours.  I have decided that I need to do everything possible to stay for the welfare of her children (my stepchildren).  There just aren't many options that are good for them if I hit the road.  I know they are not mine, but I have to try everything possible before I throw in the towel.

My wife's entire family has a lot of problems.  Siblings haven't talked for years, this one hates that one, etc.  and this whole experience prompted calls from everyone (including a sister that had not talked to my wife in 2 years).  She was so happy last night the "the family was back together" only to come crashing down today when one sister said she was coming to visit from out of state and then pronmptly cancelled an hour later.

My question:  Will she come out of this rapid cycling of love, then hate, then feelings of abandonment?  HAs anyone been in a situation like this?  I literally kissed her in the bedroom, walked downstairs to get a glass of water and then came back to a full blown rage!

Is my being here (now I'm the biggest jerk in the world to her and her family for calling the cops) actually making things worse?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi djkrock

I see that you're new here, so



I'm sorry it's so difficult for you 

These relationships are typically filled with ups and downs and she will continue to cycle, because that's what this disorder is - and emotional unstable disorder. One minute you feel everything is going well, the next it's a big mess and you don't really know why.

The good news is that there are things you can do on your side, to calm things down and change the dynamic so that you get out of this cycle.

A good place to start is by reading our lessons on the right ------>

And this workshop has been very helpful for me:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

[eeyore]

Is my being here (now I'm the biggest jerk in the world to her and her family for calling the cops) actually making things worse?

No, you have to protect yourself and the children.  Boundaries and Validation will go a long way to help.  Scarlet Phoenix offers good advice to read the lessons on the right side of your screen.  Then ask more questions here on the message board. 

[waverider]

Is my being here (now I'm the biggest jerk in the world to her and her family for calling the cops) actually making things worse?

Definitely not, she has little hope of making any progress until YOU insert a positive stabalizing influence from your side. You can't fix her but you can be the stable foundation she rebuild on.

By the way she does not need to be "cured" for you to regain a more stable and happy relationship, a lot can be achieved and it will start with you. It will take a while and things will get worse at times as changes are made. It is not all about appeasement

[eeyore]

By the way she does not need to be "cured" for you to regain a more stable and happy relationship, a lot can be achieved and it will start with you. It will take a while and things will get worse at times as changes are made. It is not all about appeasement

I agree.  Good input that I wish I would have thought of at the time. 

[lostandunsure]

By the way she does not need to be "cured" for you to regain a more stable and happy relationship, a lot can be achieved and it will start with you. It will take a while and things will get worse at times as changes are made. It is not all about appeasement

I will add my agreement to this! That is one of the most important things I've been learning the last few weeks.

I could have written the very words you wrote (except we don't have kids). It's amazing how things can turn around. Once, we were having a wonderful day, everything was great... . She took a nap and all hell broke lose, to the point that I almost called 911... . I still don't know what triggered that outburst and may never know.

I'm just learning about BPD and what it means to our relationship. I'm just learning how to apply the communication skills, and it's not always easy to take a step back from an argument and stop the blaming and resentment game, I'm working on it and have a long way to go.

As hard as it is, try to find something for yourself, you need an outlet so that you can deal with all this and be there for the kids. You need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of anyone else for long. This does not make you a jerk, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you better equipped to deal with trials you're facing.

[djkrock]

Thank you for all the advice it has really helped at least validate that I'm close to the same path.  I know now that I have to strive to support my wife.   We have a few tough weeks ahea d with the consequences of her actions but I know now that I did the right thing by calling the police.  I'm jit happy at all with the treatment that she received but at least there is a clear border about threats and the consequences.

Is it normal for a BPD to never ever forget anything you have done wrong in the past no matter what apolgies have been made?  I am absolutely amazed at how she can click off every single wrong whether major or minor that I have done?  A conversatiin about cleaning the house can turn into a hate fest in 30 seconds.

[waverider]

Is it normal for a BPD to never ever forget anything you have done wrong in the past no matter what apolgies have been made?  I am absolutely amazed at how she can click off every single wrong whether major or minor that I have done?  A conversatiin about cleaning the house can turn into a hate fest in 30 seconds.

It is common to have quite precise memory recall. The problem is it is often rearranged to validate whatever mood they are in, or point they want to make. It often appears so accurate and stated with certainty it makes you believe a different version of something you did or said.

It is one of the reasons why you dont need to repeat things that are important to you, they hear it, even if they show no sign or registering. The more you say, the more they can corrupt the recall,  and change the intent and meaning. So keep things clear and concise it helps improve communication enormously.

When there emotions are on a roll then all past experiences are dragged out of the recesses of their mind to reinforce this, even things that have nothing to do with you. This is not deliberate it is part of the disorder and why it overwhelms them. Fears and wrong doings, real and perceived, come back even from childhood.

[eeyore]

My question:  Will she come out of this rapid cycling of love, then hate, then feelings of abandonment? 

Do you mean will the cycle ever end for good?   I think unless the BPD and the non, go through therapy and truly makes life changes then yes.  People can go through the motions but not internalize and therefore not get better.  In most cases it takes two/both people not just the non. 

[djkrock]

We are going ti therapy together in a couple of weeks.  I'm looking for a therapist for myself as well that specializes in BPD.  I hope to leearn things that I can do to help... .

... . and you're right that things are twisted chronologically and the intensity of my wrongdoing changes depending on what she is mad at.   This board has opend my eyes to how my actions and reactions can start a panic attack or rage that is so intense in her that she cant control it.  Ni matter how much she wants to in her heart. I usually shut down when I get mad and I realize now that while I was trying to distance myself from the fight that I did it in a way that only increased her anger or made her believe that I was going to abandon her.  Which was like a huge snowball rolling down hill.  I can disengage but I have to do it ina way so that she understands that its not abandonment but rather a cool down period.  I can't keep stress out if our oives but I can be prepared to support when triggers occur.

[waverider]

After a while you get better at disengaging earlier and without it being so blunt and obvious

[djkrock]

Probably too late.  so close to giving up.