Anyone have experience on how to stop the devaluation?

[confusedhubby]

My wife a and I recently split up. Se is diagnosed BPD but denies se has a problem. She is a serious alcoholic and has two convictions for child neglect. She cannot see the children un-supervised and I have to approve the supervisor. Recently because of her continued drinking I have had to end all contact with our two daughters (age 7 & 8) and her. She is showing up drunk or calling to say goodnight wasted.

One of my big problems with her is that she is going around and telling EVERYONE who abusive I was and that's why she had to leave. Truth is I left her and took the kids when she was charged the second time with child neglect because of her drinking. I am a pacifist and have never hurt anyone physically. However the lies she is saying makes it sound like I am Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs.

Normally this would not bother me but we live in a small town and some of the parents of my kids classmates are hearing this BS and talking. Also my kids are being teased by some of there friends because of these lies and some of her more outlandish behavior. I have tried to talk to her about this but it's no use. She either denies she is saying these types of inflammatory lies or lies and says its the truth. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with this?

FYI We were married for 14 years and are in the midst of divorce. One of the things se goes around telling everyone is how she is seeing someone new and how happy she is with him and how horrible I was etc I think she may be doing this solely to just instigate conflict with me.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Does anyone have any idea how to deal with this?

Time and logic are on your side. Believe me.  

People can add two plus two.  You have the kids and she doesn't.  People know that moms don't lose their kids over small issues or when there isn't proof.  

Also, your wife will show her true colors to these others at some point.  

My H painted me Black Black Black twice in the past 12 months.  He told everyone he knew the most outrageous things about me.  His siblings (who have had little contact with us for 30 years) believed everything he said about me.  But, now they've been painted Black and H is nasty to them, while he's now telling them that I'm the most wonderful person on earth ().  So, likely, they've put two plus two together and are now thinking... . "hmmm, he said his wife was evil and we believed him.  Now he says that we're evil and she's awesome... . hmmmm... . maybe there is something wrong with HIM."  

[eeyore]

It's helpful to have your own friends who know you.  While she can go around and say whatever she wants the truth always comes out with time.  Be true to yourself.  Keep taking care of your kids.  Enjoy the small treasures in life such as a beautiful sunny day, a walk in a park, two happy kids.  Be the Disney dad for a weekend and enjoy every bit of it.  :-)

A BPD and an alcoholic-- difficult to deal with just one of those problems... .

It's admirable how you have taken responsibility.  

[VeryFree]

I really understand your feeling.

Same thing is happening to me: she paints me black where-ever en to whomever she can.

As SadWife says: trust on time and logic. Right now it's terrible, but things will turn out okay. A very nice effect of this is, that you will learn who your true friends are.

The painting black in my life is going on for about nine months now. More and more people from our mutual past are contacting me one way or another. All wanting to share things she said about me.

My standard reaction: I don't care, I don't mind, I don't want to know. She will have to deal with her feelings herself and solve the problems that lie on the base of all her bad-speaking.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Confused,

    You really can't stop the demonization, it's part of how 'they' cope.  The advice here has been very good as to why it doesn't really matter, but, of course, it matters right now to you.  The good news is that the pwBPD only really needs to do this during the idealization phase with the next guy.  Once she has convinced herself that moving on was really the only choice she had (so she's really not a bad person for dumping you, is she?) she will find herself alone with the new guy and the devaluing process will start with him.  You will (and this is the most painful part for us "Nons" just be old news and valuable only as a support for when she devalues the new one.  The 'process' will take care of ending the demonization. I don't really know which is the frying pan and which is the fire, but it doesn't matter since we have no control over this coping process they have anyway.

LT

[sunnywind]

extreme allegations that cannot all be true will be her undoing .  

[confusedhubby]

Thanks everyone.

Especially Lao Tzu. Your comment of "Once she has convinced herself that moving on was really the only choice she had (so she's really not a bad person for dumping you, is she?) she will find herself alone with the new guy and the devaluing process will start with him.", really helped me understand what is going on.

The question I have is whether there is anyways for someone to know how long before the next demonization process of the new loverboy lasts? Will it be identical to mine? What variables are at play? I am trying to come to some understanding of all of this so I can figure out how to approach parenting issues. Any inputs by anyone is appreciated.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Confused,

    I'll wait for wiser heads to reply on your excellent question, but my take is that no two people are alike whether the people have BPD, BPD-traits or whatever.  In some cases there is no painting black at all, actually.  You seem to have very good equanimity and that will speed things along as much as anything can.  If no one plays their games they seem to like getting on to someone with more drama.  Again, though, everyone is different.  Wish I could be more help.

LT

[blurry]

Not sure how that could be answered but my BPD sounds like yours a lot and she just spent our whole relationship behaving the same way as she did in her last one of 5 years, to a tee. My fear is that the next guy she moves on to somehow manages his reaction to her dysregulation and ill lose her forever. But odds are, sooner or later she will demonize him too at some point.

On another note, last two times this has happened with us, I actually went off the deep end, serious binge both times and threw the truth about her behavior out there to anyone and everyone who knows her, and the first time I did this, she came back as usual like nothing had happened, this time I took it to epic proportions during a two week binge, will see what happens. I figured I had nothing to lose, and by throwing things out there, I mean I forwarded texts and fb threads of it all to literally anyone who might even have a vague opinion on our relationship. Including the promises she's made, suicide threats on her part, admitting her alcohol and pill abuse, her admitting she's demonized me in the past only to " push" me away.

Not proud of it now that I removed myself from the situation and sobered up, but she was raging and being spiteful and provoking me the whole time throughout our two weeks of breaking up while I was on a reckless drinking binge.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Blurry. Thanks for sharing.

I seriously doubt that the new guy in the picture will be able to better manage her issues. The way I see it the longer the BPD goes with not addressing the underlying causes of the disorder the worse it gets and the more it manifests itself. So early on they are able to hide it and have longer term relationships. However as the disorder gets worse the relationships actually decrease in length.

Add to that alcohol and drugs and the situation is far far worse. This just makes the BPD go into hyper-drive. The new guy will just be a wonderful distraction but a distraction nonetheless. If your former BPD partner has alcohol or drug problems be prepared for the recycle quicker than you expect. It is a given. Even if her new partner is an enabling alcoholic. ALcohol and drugs seriously distort the mood swings of the BPD. They case some serious destructive behavior and even other alcoholics run from it.

[eeyore]

try to keep practicing validation as that will help you with the co parenting.  How are your children currently coping?  

[an0ught]

Hi confusedhubbyofBPDw,

The question I have is whether there is anyways for someone to know how long before the next demonization process of the new loverboy lasts? Will it be identical to mine? What variables are at play? I am trying to come to some understanding of all of this so I can figure out how to approach parenting issues. Any inputs by anyone is appreciated.

there is no way to know. You simply can not understand, predict or control her. It takes a while to fully get your head around this . Asking such questions is natural and may be an indication of you being in the bargaining stage of the detachment process. The good news is that you don't need to understand, predict and control her to improve your situation . What could be helpful for you would be working through the material in the workshop section on boundaries. Rebuilding a sense of where you boundaries are is part of the detachment process. Boundaries will be vital to minimize the effects of drama she will continue to conjure up limited on you and your children.

Some pointers to  workshops can be found in the LESSON 4 here where also more material on detachment can found.

Hang in there 

a0