If I'm half the problem, I may as well be the whole problem

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel pathetic... . Really I do i've been posting so much lately but instead of healing like I was I'm going backwards. I feel so guilty because so many of you people here are probably kinder than me, more generous than me and have much bigger problems than me. But I guess with depression its not about the size of your problems its your ability to cope... .

And I guess thats where my problems are... .

It took two to dance in my relationship with My udBPDexgf. I had some codepandancy issues yet all the same i genuinely did my very best for her. She treated me horrid, made excuses, gaslighted me and left... . Ok no problem. I forgive her, I hope she i well and can become happy

But I just still can't forgive myself... .

I've always been so hard in myself in general but when I come to face that I'm half the problem i may as well be the whole problem. I feel like i screwed up, Didn't offer enough as a person, Not good looking enough, don't have enough money... . I'm feeling such a complex mix of emotions right now but the root of the problem is i feel so worthless. I'm a popular personality in the nightlife scene. My job is going very well I'm financially secure for the first time in a long time but its a whole other world. When I'm at home I'm very alone and people are not around me I feel like no one wants to know the real me only what I do for a living. Do I have issues? yes I do but I always thought i was very good to people. I know BPD's just post what they want people to see on their social media but my ex really does look like she is having the time of her life... . Part of me thinks thats awesome I'm glad she is happy and then the other part of me thinks wow I'm not even a distant memory the friendship before our relationship must of meant nothing... .

The proof of how BPD manifests is as clear as day with research and all of your stories but I just can't stop blaming myself. I want to move on, be happy and look forward to the future but I can't do it while I keep looking backwards and blame myself. I guess I would just love some advice and support. Sorry for being pathetic I hope you are all doing well in your journeys your problems are bigger than mine. Hugs to you.

[snappafcw]

I feel pathetic... . Really I do i've been posting so much lately but instead of healing like I was I'm going backwards. I feel so guilty because so many of you people here are probably kinder than me, more generous than me and have much bigger problems than me. But I guess with depression its not about the size of your problems its your ability to cope... .

And I guess thats where my problems are... .

It took two to dance in my relationship with My udBPDexgf. I had some codepandancy issues yet all the same i genuinely did my very best for her. She treated me horrid, made excuses, gaslighted me and left... . Ok no problem. I forgive her, I hope she i well and can become happy

But I just still can't forgive myself... .

I've always been so hard in myself in general but when I come to face that I'm half the problem i may as well be the whole problem. I feel like i screwed up, Didn't offer enough as a person, Not good looking enough, don't have enough money... . I'm feeling such a complex mix of emotions right now but the root of the problem is i feel so worthless. I'm a popular personality in the nightlife scene. My job is going very well I'm financially secure for the first time in a long time but its a whole other world. When I'm at home I'm very alone and people are not around me I feel like no one wants to know the real me only what I do for a living. Do I have issues? yes I do but I always thought i was very good to people. I know BPD's just post what they want people to see on their social media but my ex really does look like she is having the time of her life... . Part of me thinks thats awesome I'm glad she is happy and then the other part of me thinks wow I'm not even a distant memory the friendship before our relationship must of meant nothing... .

The proof of how BPD manifests is as clear as day with research and all of your stories but I just can't stop blaming myself. I want to move on, be happy and look forward to the future but I can't do it while I keep looking backwards and blame myself. I guess I would just love some advice and support. Sorry for being pathetic I hope you are all doing well in your journeys your problems are bigger than mine. Hugs to you.

[Surnia]

I can relate with your post, snappfcw

Being hard to yourself, feeling alone, feeling worthless - it needs time and steady practice.

When I heard first of validation here on board, I realized that there was one person in my life in need of validation too: Myself.

Instead of validation, there was a hard voice telling me: You failed, you did this wrong and that bla bla.

I started to validate myself. My feelings, what I do or did. This helped me to be more supporting with myself. So I can deal slowly better with my perfectionism.

There is a Workshop coming in my mind: Believing in yourself.

[snappafcw]

Thanks so much for the link I really hope i can pull out of this funk soon. I just feel so weak.

[GettinHealthy]

Hi snappfcw,

I have been where you are.  The best thing you can do right now is focus on you.  Focus on the positive in your life and don't worry about her and what she is doing.  The fact that she is going out of her way to "prove" how happy she is probably means she is not really where you think she is.  I remember when I was in school, there was always the saying "The guys that have to boast about how successful they are with women, are usually the one's who aren't".  It is the same with unhappy people.  They always go out of their way to tell whomever will listen (and look on FB, etc) about their wonderful lives.  Most people who are REALLY happy are quiet about it. 

There is a component of responsibility that we all take in the failure of a relationship, but you are being too hard on yourself.  You loved her and said you forgave her for what she did to you.  Now its time to return the favor and do the same for YOU!  Take care of you, do what YOU love to do.  Learn to love WHO you are and stop worrying about what she is or isn't doing.  Set her free for YOU!  There are bumps in the road on the way to healing from one of these relationships, trust me I just went over a really big one, but as long as you focus on you and learn to love and forgive yourself, you will make it out and be happy again!

[happylogist]

I feel pathetic... . Really I do i've been posting so much lately but instead of healing like I was I'm going backwards. I feel so guilty because so many of you people here are probably kinder than me, more generous than me and have much bigger problems than me. But I guess with depression its not about the size of your problems its your ability to cope... .

And I guess thats where my problems are... .

snappafcw

For me it is always a big problem for posting here.  I feel worthless, but I have objective reasons for that - I had a relationship with someone while being married... .  But here are people who live with their partners who cheat, abuse and they still forgive, have children with them... . my problems are nothing compared to those. I am afraid of being judged on the top of unworthiness and depression that i am going through.  I blame myself too many times... .  But it is important at one point to talk... .

You did your best, you felt love and gave everything you could. This is the most important. You have a big hearth and you need to love yourself. Feeling worthless is a road to a dead-end.  

P.S. if you don't want to block her in the social media - at least promise yourself not to look at her profile for 2 months or so.  Also remove her from your news feed.  The least you need now is to see her pictures (happy or not).

[snappafcw]

Thank you so much guys. Oh don't worry I'm not obsessed with checking her social media at all i checked her Instagram the other day and it was the first time in 8 months. She looked nothing like the girl i feel in love with... . new attitude, new look, new everything. Was heartbreaking but it is what it is. You guys shouldn't think you are worthless either but I understand how it works. Looking in it makes a lot of sense but when you experience things yourself its different I guess we are all human and all make mistakes... . This is the biggest roadblock for me.

I'm not perfect but I'm a loving and caring guy... . mental illness or not i feel like it was all thrown back in my face and even though my head knows its not because of me i need to believe it i guess.

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm going through this too. There is no point in blaming yourself for what you feel you did wrong - you could have done the same thing with a nonBPD and it could have been worked out. You can not rationalize or use logic with a BPD and so the chance of having a balanced relationship is almost nil.

You really need to block her social media and focus on you. They always look like they're having a great life on FB and that's not going to change.  :)on't give up because better days await.  

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

I am so sorry you are feeling like that. I know that inescapable feeling you describe, feeling alone. It is suffocating. Surrounds you everywhere you go. Even into the hidden recesses of your inner sactum. That is the damage and pain that has been inflicted on you by your ex. Healing is a very slow process. You can only heal at your own pace. As much as only you can tolerate. NC helps with that. This forum too. We hear your words. You are not alone.

Ironmanfalls

[Learning_curve74]

snappafcw, it's a tough thing to feel like this. I know everytime that I have a breakup I spend quite a bit of time torturing myself with the questions, "Why am I not good enough?" and "What the f*** is wrong with me?".    You're not alone or weird in your thinking. This is probably why some of us ended in these types of relationships, it just is, let's not judge ourselves.

Life isn't always a straight trip down the road, lots of times we get stuck going round in circles or sometimes we take 3 steps backwards after 1 step forwards. Everybody takes things at their own pace, you can only grow as fast as you are prepared to, just like some people are taller and some people are shorter, there's no judgement or value in that, just the way it is.

If we can figure out which way we want to head in general, I think we can have a pretty good journey overall regardless of all the stalled times, dead ends, and times we drove ourselves in circles. There are some interesting sights/insights when we get lost sometimes too! 

[seeking balance]

Snap,

What is 1 thing you can do - socially - that is new and you never thought you would try it?

Some people have tried kick-boxing, acting, yoga, train for a marathon, painting... . some activity not about work that you can put on your schedule for the next 6 weeks  - let us know.

To shift out of these feelings (trust me, I was there too), we have to feel them while changing our own patterns - both thought patterns and action patterns.

Be kind to you - if you are not, who will be?

Peace,

SB

[aloha1983]

I totally get where you're at... . I have been there and every now and then go back there. It's been a year and a half since I got out of the relationship with my BPD exboyfriend.

Please block her on social media - you can do this even without her being on your friend's list. That way she won't show up on mutual friends' walls and so on.

You can run over it a thousand times in your mind but at the end of the day you gave a lot but it wasn't enough. It's never enough for people with BPD. They are sick and while they can't always help it you don't deserve to be the whipping boy.

I bet it all looks fantastic on her social media account but like you said people only ever post the good stuff.

Along with self-validation, have you got a good circle of friends? You can vent to a therapist or meet new people through new hobbies or groups. That way you can start to get validation about how great you are from those that matter, and those who are healthy themselves.

[snappafcw]

Thanks so much for the support. I got a missed call from a blocked number in a public place today ive got a sick sense that its her... . I had a rough week but I am really feeling better today thank you all so much.

[Undine]

Snap-my heart goes out to you. Struggling with depression in the midst of a BPD break-up is incredibly hard. I have lived a major portion of my life in depression- one of the symptoms is that it affects your self esteem.

Please know that you are loveable and deserve to be loved. I tell myself that it will get better and try to believe it. I know it will just take time. There are other people here going through similar stuff. You are not alone.

[Clearmind]

I feel pathetic... .

When I feel like that snapp I ask myself what I would say to a friend who said the same. It’s really unfortunate we cannot shower ourselves with kindness and compassion that we shower others with.

I never felt like I deserved self compassion. I was so use to self sabotage it took time to try to turn my thinking around.

When I feel like this now I stop my negative thoughts and say out loud 5 things that prove to myself how worthy I am. Call it collecting positive data if you will. We are what we think about all day long.

instead of healing like I was I'm going backwards.

Acceptance – healing is not linear – we hit curves and bends in the road. Learning never stops

But I just still can't forgive myself... .

Forgiveness comes with self awareness and self compassion.

I had a very hard time letting myself off the hook for the demise of my relationship. I called it shame. I was very shameful not only for the bad turns the relationship took but its complete demise.

I needed to really allow my ex to own his own stuff so I could clear some way for me to work on my own stuff.

As you read earlier – my shame laid right back in my childhood. The put downs – from my ex and those I gave myself were very very reminiscent of the way my father would talk to me. I was hurting and grieving for that Little Clearmind that was still hurting.

Maybe Little Snapp needs a big hug to tell him that all is really the way it should be – its our own thinking that needs some adjusting.

_____

Pause throughout the day snapp and check in with your thinking. Try to link it back to past events and provide yourself with some positive self talk.

[snappafcw]

Thank you so much for the advice... . I'm just sick of feeling this way and I'm sick of making poor choices. We all deserve to be happy we are good people.

[snappafcw]

I've put my story up on the personal inventory board... . Its a little brief but I have to work today. Feel free to ask me any questions you would like.

[KellyO]

I know your feelings, I faced the same question too.

Instead of validating myself and telling myself that I'm ok , I took the responsibility of being the problem IN MY LIFE. Because in your life, you are the problem, no one else can be that. I hope you understand what I mean. I separated myself from other people and saw that my life is MY life, and so I'M the one having the problem there. I'm 100% responsible of my life.

Instead of making me feel worse or quilty or pathetic or whatever, it made me unbelievebly powerful and independent. This is my life, my! I decide what happens in it, and whom I tolerate. Whatever is other peoples problem, is their problem, not mine. I'm my problem. So I have to deal with the problems I have, not with the problems other people have. So find your problems and deal with them. No excuses, no but's, no if's. Take responsibility of your head and your life and your heart. That means actions too: no spying, full NC, whatever it takes. Don't lie to yourself anymore, ever.

That will save you from problematic people in future too. When you have taken 100% responsibility of yourself, and dealt with your problems, you don't need disordered people in your life to show them to you.

I used to get annoyed by certain types of people, I used to get enmeshed in situations with them, I often found myself in middle of drama trying to make others see what is their problem and how they are wrong. Now these same people are just background noice of life to me: you can't always escape them, so they are just best to ignored, and ignoring is really easy. They are not my problem anymore, because I have delt with most of my problems. Of course I have a bad they or something happens that makes me angry or sad or bitter, but now it lasts only few hours, where before it could last a month.

I think the key here is really understand that other people and their problems is not your business. You are your business. This does not make you egocentric or selfish.

I want to point out that in my life I have tried to validate myself time and time again, and love myself and whatever, and it never helped me more than one day. Because it was false. It was like putting icing to a crap. Under icing it is still crap. I had to deal with crap, and now I don't need icing anymore. I can't point enough how important it is to stop lying to yourself, and giving excuses. In a way, all this "I'm pathetic and I'm this and that" is an excuse too. It is a perfect way to keep you stuck.

And staying mixed in other peoples business and thinking them all the time and spying etc. is a perfect distraction for YOU from yourself. Hammer this in to your head: other people are not your business. You are.

If hope I did not come out as harsh, I wrote this with love and compassion  

[MaybeSo]

Blame hints at responsibility.

If there are areas where you can take legitimate responsibility in the r/s, then do so; not in a self codeming way, but as a learning experience for growth.

You can't be 100 per cent responsible for a r/s that consisted of two people. To do so is unrealistic; you would have to operate under the faulty (and narcissistic) belief system that everything good and bad happens because of YOU and only YOU.

Small children assume everything that happens is their fault or about them. It's a developmental stage.

When we grow up, we realize, we really aren't all that influential or powerful; people come with their own history, baggage, and agendas that have nothing to whatsoever to do with us.

Beating up on yourself is the end result of a faulty belief system ( that you are more powerful than you are).  It also feels bad to beat up on yourself and so perpetuates behaviors to distract

us from feeling bad, like hooking up with people who idealize us for short periods of time, then treat us poorly... . providing a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

So, this is an opportunity to stop doing that.

It's your job to learn to be kind to yourself, nurture yourself, and to have realistic expectations of yourself. It's your job as an adult.  It's the responsibility you have as an

adult.

[snappafcw]

Thanks... . Sorry I just had a bad week. I'm not blaming myself for practical things I was very good to my ex i was just feeling worthless. I feel like i have to be perfect.