Well, she's surfaced again...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all,

Don't even know when I posted last but it's been a long time and a lot of details I can't remember but just a quick back story... .

I'm maybe 4 years out of a year plus post divorce relationship with high functioning BPD.  We were NC for 3 years and then a little here and there some testing to see if I would be back involved with her... . and this summer we've had quite a bit of contact on and off... . we're both in relationships... . but there is obviously still something between us.

She's been gone for several weeks on vacation... . and upon her return I received and email that she's been thinking a lot about me... . and that she misses me... .

Anyway... . prior to her leaving we'd had a lot of conversations about what was... . would we ever go back... . even made out a bit... . we're adults in our 40's and it's all pretty innocent... . but I do wonder what it is I'm doing?

Newstart-

[NewStart]

Hey all,

Don't even know when I posted last but it's been a long time and a lot of details I can't remember but just a quick back story... .

I'm maybe 4 years out of a year plus post divorce relationship with high functioning BPD.  We were NC for 3 years and then a little here and there some testing to see if I would be back involved with her... . and this summer we've had quite a bit of contact on and off... . we're both in relationships... . but there is obviously still something between us.

She's been gone for several weeks on vacation... . and upon her return I received and email that she's been thinking a lot about me... . and that she misses me... .

Anyway... . prior to her leaving we'd had a lot of conversations about what was... . would we ever go back... . even made out a bit... . we're adults in our 40's and it's all pretty innocent... . but I do wonder what it is I'm doing?

Newstart-

[Moonie75]

NewStart,

If the person you are currently in a relationship with is healthy minded, honest & trustworthy, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think long & hard before you jump back in.

I've never met you, your BPDex, or your current partner, but just sit back a while & think about what you lose against what you gain between these two women!

Decision's yours, but don't make it lightly mate!

[NewStart]

Moonie,

I hear you and I certainly am once again wrestling with this, I know that probably would end up right where it did before... . and that even upon our "re-connection" our communication has been questionable and odd at times... . right down the same rabbit hole? 

Not really sure how I would ever know what words to believe so how would one even make the choice to step back through that door?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Newstart,

     I note you have 685 posts and I interpret your screen name to suggest you were once looking for something else in your life.  Is that correct?  My guess is that the 685 posts reflect a lot of work you had to do to get that new start.  Finally, "... . a lot of details I can't remember... . " and your "... . maybe four years out... . " suggests to me the possibility that you might be suppressing your memories of the trauma a bit -- a very natural coping mechanism, of course. 

     Perhaps you would benefit from making a list of the ways your ex deserves to be on the pedestal she still claims in your mind.  It might push you to break through the repression a bit and remember what it was like.  Your old posts are probably available here if you click on your name.  If it were me I'd start with the very first one.

     Part of you might be missing the excitement (and boundary-free sex) of the old r/s.  It's the part of the pwBPD that we all loved, the one in the idealization phase.  The problem is that they aren't that person, really.  While you're looking at old posts (I hope), take a look at "Charred".  He recycled over 25 years after the first complete disaster.  He was re-married, with a child and had recovered financially to a large degree.  In a short time, the result was as it can only be since the pwBPD really can't change and he lost the second wife and child and job, etc. 

     Go back into this if you must, but for Heaven's sake, go into it with your eyes open.  Know what you'll be giving up for the brief moments before the inevitable repeat of the crush.  This is just another dose of the heroin and it's your right to have it if you so choose.

LT 

[NewStart]

LT,

Very profound and prudent thoughts... . thank you.

Am I blocking things out, no I remember them all to well both the good and the bad.  As far as how good it was, I'm no longer jaded that it was really that good, but we truly did/do match up so well in so many ways.

Has she changed... . who knows... . she's been in a relationship for over 2 years which is much longer than anything she had been in for quite some time... . who knows, I guess I don't even know what I want... . a friend... . a newly sparked romantic relationship... . or just being glad that I don't have to have PTSD when I see her around town.

Do I have to read the old posts... . maybe... . but I know very well that it was a total gong show in the end... . not healthy... . but when we were good together, and that's not just the uninhibited stuff because I've realized I can find that in healthy woman too, we really were good together and just time together was so enjoyable... .

It's a strange predicament to be in for sure... .

[sunnywind]

dont reply to her-its the only way.      its very unfair on your current partner too

[NewStart]

Sunnywind,

I know it's not fair to either of our current partners... . also maybe a red flag that I worry a lot about what my friends might think and say if they were to see me with her... . even in the most benign of settings... .

[sunnywind]

she will play you,like a cat with a mouse .   you should tell yourself you are now stronger than her, block her emails and block her number on your phone.  youve moved on

[NewStart]

Sunnywind,

I'm past the blocking and NC part of my life, her and I seem on level ground and we've spent quite a bit of time together as good friends lately. 

We live in a small community and it's been good not having to avoid this person, it was great seeing her daughter and the time we've spent together as well has been good on many levels.

I guess maybe what I'm trying to navigate is what this relationship becomes... . what it should become or could... . what to accept... . what to avoid... .

[Moonie75]

she will play you,like a cat with a mouse .   you should tell yourself you are now stronger than her, block her emails and block her number on your phone.  youve moved on

This makes the most sense to me!

But having said that, I'd never tell another grown up what to do with their own life! But you be careful man!

[NewStart]

I'll be careful, the good thing is the draw just isn't the same... . seeing her now a lot of that light is gone, but the human connection is there and I don't mean that so much on a physical sense, what I mean is we just connect and we know we connect... . so maybe I can still have something out of the ashes... . something good.

So far it's been great, no expectations and no regrets.

[peas]

Watch her actions.

[NewStart]

Peas,

Good advice for sure and certainly something I'm watching/have been watching.

We reconnected back in October and certainly it's been a strange on and off again road since then... . I think I know what it is/can be and most likely what that is, is a friendship of sorts... . we're both seekers and we've just been kind of leaning on each other now and then for support... . most likely for both there's too much history and to much damage to be much more.  On many levels that's a bummer as there really is a connection... . although a disjointed one at times for sure... .

On again and off again... . neither of us this time is really putting in to much effort... . or maybe it's reluctance for either of us to trust so we're not extending ourselves... . I think it's that the last time around it was pretty rough.

Well, I was the first to reach out this week after 3 weeks NC and her response was she has been thinking a lot about me... . and she misses me... .

A tangled web?

[papawapa]

You asked, "Has she changed?"

She has been in her current relationship for two years and here she is chasing you.

That speaks volumes.

[NewStart]

Papawapa,

Yes you're correct and me doing what I'm doing speaks volumes too... . guess I need to remember that this will be a peripheral relationship/friendship and if I keep that in perspective... . well things should control themselves

[SweetCharlotte]

If I read you correctly, you've already been making out with her, but you're in a relationship with someone else. And you're in your forties. Yet you consider it all very innocent.

I'll refrain from editorial comment.

[ForeverDad]

If I read you correctly, you've already been making out with her, but you're in a relationship with someone else. And you're in your forties. Yet you consider it all very innocent.

I'll refrain from editorial comment.

I think  is a standard response here.  Don't risk your relatively normal relationship for a known dysfunctional failed one.

... . but I do wonder what it is I'm doing?

Let me liken your question to something now happening all over the western USA... . forest fires are all-consuming, ferocious and out of control this year.  So it's like you walking up to a fire fighter and asking him if he minds you playing with fire.  I think you can imagine the shocked response.

[NewStart]

I know, my actions are certainly suspect as well... . but I have to say that who I was 6 years ago before my divorce and then going through BPD relationship after that... . well I'm not what I was for sure and I've just been kind of drifting... .

Like most people I have my ups and downs and maybe if I could track it this person comes into my life on my downs... . but that's just conjecture I guess.

Well, as usually she's knocked on the door, made sure I was still home and has once again drifted away... . typical but oh well, fun when she's around... .

[turtle]

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over (and over and over in your case) and expecting a different result.

The title of your thread is "well she's surfaced again... . "  She only surfaces if you let her.  Haven't you been kicked in the teeth enough, NewStart?

turtle

[NewStart]

Oh boy, when I saw your name turtle that's when I knew it'd been a while... . and yes you are correct... . I do keep doing this don't I?

One thing I can say is that each time she surfaces she get's easier to deal with, and as I've posted in the past I guess I've needed that contact at times to show myself that I can deal with it all.

Now the hard part for me... . is to set it clear once and for all in my mind that any thoughts of and kind of real relationship with this woman are not realistic.  We've been getting there, her and I, through so many conversations over the past year or so on and of with contact... . but I think whenever I get close to saying out right that I know it could never work between us... . well we never finish that conversation and we each go our separate ways for awhile.

Thanks turtle for the thoughts as usual

[blurry]

She's recycling you New, looks textbook to me, just an outside viewpoint coming from someone who jumps back in headfirst every time, and the pools always empty. I love my soon to be exBPDw so much id probably go racing back into it but praying I wake up one day and don't have the slightest urge any more.

You say you've changed, but how? Cause I think the old saying "nothing changes, without change" applies to BPD perfectly, and what changes has she made? I swore to my wife the last couple weeks that shed never see me again till she had 6 months therapy minimum. Meanwhile, I need help too, for it to work, and with my lack of patience, plus my lack of trust and large amount of resentment, I could read the lessons all day but I can't guarantee ill use them once the #$%& hits the fan, and it always hits the fan, sooner or later.

Its funny, ill swear to myself that I forgive her and will do anything I can to make things work, while she's gone, but then when she's back and starts her disrespectful inconsiderate childish behavior, it brings me right back to every time she abused me in the past, and it all hits me at once, brings me right back to thinking how she slept with her ex during one 3 week break, and how she slept with a guy off the internet during a 11 week break, or the night she had me thrown in jail for trespassing ( mind you she had just begged me to quit my job and move 100 miles to live with her) 6 weeks prior, the 5 jobs I lost in the past year moving back and forth, all the times she told me she hates me, I'm the ugliest human being on earth, inside and out e t... and that's just a small tidbit of the pain that comes up simply when she starts to dysregulate and treat me like I'm worthless, and god forbid I question her politely about it.

Really decide if its even worth the risk New, its easy to romanticize the good times, but don't forget the bad... . you gonna be able to sleep every night not waiting for things to go south any given day?

[123Phoebe]

She's been gone for several weeks on vacation... . and upon her return I received and email that she's been thinking a lot about me... . and that she misses me... .

Well, I was the first to reach out this week after 3 weeks NC and her response was she has been thinking a lot about me... . and she misses me... .

A tangled web?

Nothing 'tangled' about it.  Pretty straight forward actually... .   Sounds like you're both commitment phobic.  Both of you are seeing other people, yet continue to carry on with each other in some sort of pseudo-fringes-of-a-relationship.

Until one of you gets really clear on how you want to proceed with your future, this could go on for years and years.  The longing and hoping and questioning is as much your issue as it is hers.  Being middle aged adults, in your 40's, has nothing to do with it.  You're equals in the emotional maturity department.

I don't mean this as a slam to either one of you, it's very common and why a lot of us wind up in and search for a relationship where intimacy issues are prevalent-- because we have them ourselves.  It's easier to look at and point out the other person's issues though, our own form of projection.  It's a form of denial, too!  As it works to keep us stuck right where we are-- Looking to another person (who by no means has the capability) of making us whole or our own issues magically vanish.  If only they'd... .

The title of your thread: "Well, she's surfaced again... . ", is a little misleading.  Has she surfaced or have your very own issues cropped up and taken the front seat again?

How is your relationship with this other girl progressing?  By any chance does your exwBPD seem more desirable (and resurface) when your other relationship gets to the point of taking it to a new level of intimacy?

One thing I can say is that each time she surfaces she get's easier to deal with, and as I've posted in the past I guess I've needed that contact at times to show myself that I can deal with it all.

So, are you using her for your own gain?  What exactly are you trying to "deal" with?

When we get super honest with ourselves, a lot of this peripheral crap (looking outside of ourselves for answers) becomes less alluring.

What do you want?

[NewStart]

Very interesting takes on this situation and yes I think a lot of it is me. Yes, my current relationship is at a point that my SO is asking for something more and I know I can't provide that... .so we too are in a kind of break up limbo... .so maybe that's why I see my BPDex as some sort of option.  But something I must say about my BPDex is that she's a councillor and has given me all kinds of thoughts and ideas about how to save/build what I currently have.

So at this point, we're both still dating our current partners, though my GF and I are approaching a very amicable split that looks as though it will end with us as great friends. As for BPDex and her SO they are on and off so in typical death throws so who knows where that will go and for how long.

The differences in our break ups is that I'm no longer afraid to be alone, but my BPDex talks as though that's one of the main reasons she still keeps going back.

So all this said could or would I really go back to my BPDex... .I think it would be soo incredibly difficult to see that happening... .but we seem to always juuuust brush the topic but never confront it... .