breaking NC doesn't feel right

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi,

I have been LC/NC for 3 months since the break-up (we still own a house together and he had to get stuff out, which he has dragged on for months, so contact still happens around that), however, I have stepped away from our mutual sports etc. and have been focusing on my own life outside of him.  It's been really great!  I feel centered and grounded and really fine when he's not around.  However, any contact with him at all gets me feeling jittery and pretty awful.  Even if it's just a picture or e-mail.  I have NO INTEREST in ever being around him again - I feel repulsed and anxious at the thought of it.

My first question:  Is this normal for me to feel, or do I have more work to do in order to be able to handle his presence?

The 2nd issue is - our mutual soccer team (which I've stepped away from) has decided to take a break, and do family outings together instead - like baseball, movie nights, game nights etc.  My ex-uBPD e-mailed me to let me know this, and wondered if we would want to share going to these events.  The problem for me is:

1.  This will require ongoing negotiation with him - which is often protracted, even over the simplest things, and usually just ends up with him getting whatever he wanted in the first place and me feeling run over by a truck

2.   He is such a great friend to everyone else, that I"m not sure they quite get why I can't be around him, and although I'm not sure about how they feel, I'm a bit leary to put myself out there with a group of people when I'm making a "big deal" out of something.

3.  I feel left out if I don't go.

Any insights or direction or ideas would be so great. 

thanks

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

Hi,

I have been LC/NC for 3 months since the break-up (we still own a house together and he had to get stuff out, which he has dragged on for months, so contact still happens around that), however, I have stepped away from our mutual sports etc. and have been focusing on my own life outside of him.  It's been really great!  I feel centered and grounded and really fine when he's not around.  However, any contact with him at all gets me feeling jittery and pretty awful.  Even if it's just a picture or e-mail.  I have NO INTEREST in ever being around him again - I feel repulsed and anxious at the thought of it.

My first question:  Is this normal for me to feel, or do I have more work to do in order to be able to handle his presence?

The 2nd issue is - our mutual soccer team (which I've stepped away from) has decided to take a break, and do family outings together instead - like baseball, movie nights, game nights etc.  My ex-uBPD e-mailed me to let me know this, and wondered if we would want to share going to these events.  The problem for me is:

1.  This will require ongoing negotiation with him - which is often protracted, even over the simplest things, and usually just ends up with him getting whatever he wanted in the first place and me feeling run over by a truck

2.   He is such a great friend to everyone else, that I"m not sure they quite get why I can't be around him, and although I'm not sure about how they feel, I'm a bit leary to put myself out there with a group of people when I'm making a "big deal" out of something.

3.  I feel left out if I don't go.

Any insights or direction or ideas would be so great. 

thanks

H4E

[Learning_curve74]

Hang in there Healing! 

Maybe read what you wrote again. It sounds like you might have given yourself an answer already in what you wrote?

One thing my T told me was to make sure there are plenty of other people around in any social situation involving BPDex and myself. That way I can just avoid or not have to deal with her alone. I definitely will not be driving/riding with her to anything!

If your friends/team know about your break up, then many of them will already know there could be some awkwardness with both you and your ex at the same outings. It might not be great if there are too many judgemental and gossipy people.

Everybody's different, some people need to take a chance, others shouldn't. Good luck.

[Healing4Ever]

Thanks for replying, Learning!

I am not sure what to do... . I think I may just wait it out and see what comes of it all.  I spoke with one of my closer friends from the team and she mentioned how difficult she's finding it without me there - so she's having mixed feelings about the whole thing.  Right or wrong - I felt a bit better because it had been feeling like everyone just carried on without me as if nothing had happened. 

Also - another friend e-mailed me wondering if I'd like to join the activities if my ex-uBPD isn't there - so that was nice too. 

I just know that I don't want to be negotiating with my ex about any of this... . the less contact the better right now. 

I guess sometimes situations are just the way they are because of a break-up - and there's no 'changing" it, but only feeling sad about it.  I"d like to hang out with these friends without any issues - but at the moment it's not that way.  Sigh.  Thanks for reading.

H4E

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Healing, Maybe one of your friends on the team could arrange for you to attend a team gathering when your Ex will not be there.  I'm sure many will relate to your feelings and understand that it will be uncomfortable for you if your Ex will be there, too.  Lucky Jim

[Healing4Ever]

Hi LuckyJim - thanks for your idea - in actual fact, that has now happened, so we'll see where it goes from here.  I must say I feel much better after talking with my closest friend from the team, and hearing her share that she misses me at the team gatherings and it doesn't feel quite right since I'm gone.  It was starting to feel like my absence meant nothing at all!  Now it feels less important to me to actually attend the group functions - however, the option may open up to go when he doesn't.  I also realized that if I want to see these friends I can organize my own gathering.

Thanks for reading and replying- so much wisdom in this group!

H4E