What's she gonna say?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I broke up with my ex in feb. spent most of the time since April begging for her to take me back. But I eventually deleted her number, emails etc. then a week later she asked to borrow money and she would meet me in person to pay it back and talk to me, explain her actions,decisions. Initially I said no meeting, but I've now said yes cause I do want some answers, but why is she really wanting to talk? Like most BPD she struggles to talk about feelings etc. was it just a ploy to make me agree to the loan or could this be a softening on her part? What do yous think?

[Scott72]

I broke up with my ex in feb. spent most of the time since April begging for her to take me back. But I eventually deleted her number, emails etc. then a week later she asked to borrow money and she would meet me in person to pay it back and talk to me, explain her actions,decisions. Initially I said no meeting, but I've now said yes cause I do want some answers, but why is she really wanting to talk? Like most BPD she struggles to talk about feelings etc. was it just a ploy to make me agree to the loan or could this be a softening on her part? What do yous think?

[GettinHealthy]

You stopped contacting her.  She wants to know if she still has control over you.

[Learning_curve74]

Does it really matter what she's going to say? If she cannot speak about her thoughts and feelings openly, and that is what you want, then what is YOUR objective? Why spend so much time and energy reading into somebody else's words and actions, does it really matter at this point? What do you want from her, and do you think you'll get it?

[mitchell16]

i agree it all about control and probabley just seeing if she can get you back. Mine has never used money but she used about everything else. A friend that was depressed wanted me to call him but she requested I call her first becuas she had to tell me something before I contacted him. When she was having surgery and i hadnt spoke to her in 3 weeks she called, drunk. Of course I came rushing back and once I nurded her back to health, she was her normal old self and got rid of me again. a client at work, even though it wasnt really something that needed my attention or hers for that matter but she alled me and used it them as an excuse for us to have a meeting about it, led to recycle. and not to fully put blame on her becasue I was ready and wanting the recycle myself so I was a palyer in the game too. Only thing is I was in love with her and she just wanted to manupulate me back in. I have grown leery of anything she needs to do that requires a face to face meeting. Becuase in the past she has used sex and with her thats my weakness and she knows it. I cant resist it with her.

[bpdspell]

No one on here knows what she's gonna say, do or want from you. She may want a recycle or she may want money. Who knows.   

A better question to ask yourself is what do you want for yourself and what do you want from her? Ask yourself: what do I want? It empowers you and puts the power of choice back in your hands. You may want answers from her but be prepared to not be satisfied. Satisfaction can only come from you closing the door for good.

We cannot read other people's minds and we never will be able to. All we can be responsible for is our own thoughts and actions.


Spell

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Scott, Agree with those above that she's just testing the waters.  Be prepared for an onslaught of FOG.  Also question, like Spell, why you want to do this to yourself?  In my experience, it's unlikely that you will come away with anything positive from such a meeting.  Lucky Jim

[FogLight]

Motive:

she asked to borrow money

Bait:

meet me in person to pay it back and talk to me, explain her actions,decisions

What she already knows:

I do want some answers

I've seen this too many times.  My own ex tried using a death in the family to make me feel sorry for her just before asking for a "loan" (i.e. donation).  This was only a few days after we broke up, and she was already shacked up with the guy she had been seeing behind my back.  Run dude, run like hell.

[Ironmanrises]

Scott,

Any re-engagement you reply to will have one outcome... . it will only hurt you.

Idealize. You let her back in. She is momentarily back in love with you.

Devalue. She gets triggered. She starts to no longer love you.

Discard. She will leave you.

Round and round. And it will hurt worse then the first time. Far worse.

[Gaslit]

I'm guessing she'll be far more willing to meet you to take the money, then she will be when it comes times to give it back.

You could also just throw money out the window too you know.

[Scott72]

Thanks all! What do I want? I do want her back but do not expect that. I know this is a push/pull moment but having never been able to discuss her feelings I am curious to hear what she has to say. Will I be satisfied- no- but I'm hoping this helps me with closure.

[Scott72]

What a shocker- she doesn't have the cash to repy me tomorrow or meet me! I'm am so surprised... . not

[Learning_curve74]

Thanks all! What do I want? I do want her back but do not expect that. I know this is a push/pull moment but having never been able to discuss her feelings I am curious to hear what she has to say. Will I be satisfied- no- but I'm hoping this helps me with closure.

Saw your reply below about how she blew you off, but you weren't surprised.  Just remember that if you ever meet to talk about what happened, whatever "explanation" she gives you is bound to be highly unsatisfying, answering nothing, and will likely offer no feelings of closure.

Getting closure from somebody else is a myth. It's acceptance in your own mind that gives you closure. Even when you break up with a nonBPD, you will not get closure from their reasons and explanations if you don't accept them in your own mind.

[Scott72]

Thanks learning curve. I agree. I think I just want to hear her attempts at explanation as I've had none. But the closure is from me. I'm needing to be cruel to her(as I see it) but all I'm doing is still treating her better than she did me. I've told her no more contact!

[frustrated b/f]

It would always amaze me how my uBPD g/f would invite me somewhere to talk and not say anything. It was amazing to see after realizing her inabilities with BPD. I sorta feel sorry for her, but I can't allow myself to want her to get better when she refuses to do so for herself