drinking and BPD rages

[mitchell16]

was just thing I read where someone had posted about their BPD and alcohol. Mines drinking was esculating towards the end. She was never heavey abuse of alcohol we would drinking abottle of wine or two during the weekend hardly ever during the week. maybe on a rare occasion. But towrads the end about the last 4 month sor so. she got to where she was getting drunk most of the wekend. at of course taht when all of her rages would start coming out or the other side would be marthon sex. BUt towards teh end teh marathon sex got less and the rages got more. and the drink was getting out of control. what would that be all about ? and does the drinking bring out the raging more and just make them not able to handle their emotions at all. Just was curious if anyone has any ideas or experience.

[cal644]

Funny you put that. My exw, never really drank. But the last year she changed. Her drinking became more extreme, she probably had more to drink in the last year than our previous 19 years together. And I think about some of her actions, not rages, but actions that were so out of the norm for her.

[peas]

Mine was an alcoholic before we met. He was pretty straightforward in telling me that he likes to drink and had no intention of quitting.

However, after one bad rage incident early in our r/s, he stopped drinking cold turkey and was dry for 40 days. He said he didn't want me to have a drunk boyfriend.

But he picked the drinking back up again and was well on his way to his previous drinking levels. Toward the end he was drunk more often when I was around. His fuse got shorter. Picked more fights. There was less sex, or if there was sex he was drunk. Then he broke up with me.

[Aussie0zborn]

My exBPDw was a binge drinker and in the first few weeks told me she goes out to the gay district with her lesbian cousin and drink 'till they were  "paralytic". I suggested she go out on the weekend with her cousin while I babysat her kids. Surprised that I was giving her the opportunity, she asked why I would do that. I said, " to see if I like it". She never did it.

She held off on drinking in the beginning because she saw I was not a drinker but later got confident and drank like a fish. I never got the reason for her drinking. When it became a problem for us she would tell me she drinks because of me and it was all my fault. She would mostly get melancholic but later would get abusive and physically violent. Would also tell me things to repulse me to test and challenge my love for her.

I'm not sure if the drinking brings out the rages more. The rages occurred while out on a family dinner, while driving, while in bed, when something didn't go well at work, when we were happy and on top of the world, when she got home and found the neighbour had cut two branches from our tree that were imposing on his property. Coming to think of it, the rages could happen at any time. As I type this I see the drinking was separate and at least it kept her quiet for a whole night (providing there were no rages or violence) and all of the next day while she was nursing the horrible hangovers. I think that when they're drunk the mask drops and you see what is really on their minds. Thinking they're "just drunk" and irrational and ignoring it is a big mistake.

[Moonie75]

Mitch,

Mine was a social drinker & I would never say she had a drink problem.

BUT, although she might rage anytime, her TOP 3 worst rages were when she was very drunk! And I mean the kind of rages that were like she'd possessed by something very very dark & sinister!

So, 3 worst drunk moments = 3 worst rages.

My answer to your question's YES!

[peas]

Yes, that possessed look. I recall one particularly bad drunken rage with my ex and he had wild eyes, contorted face and his hair was messed. He got in my face and was screaming and spitting. He was unhinged.

Those rages took a lot out of him. I know he regretted them and they usually scared him. He would be withdrawn, defeated, in the days following a rage. He'd have small freakouts a couple times a month, but I only witnessed two bad rages in seven months.

[Hazelrah]

I think drinking has a tendency to induce rages in a lot of people, not just pwBPD... .

That being said, my BPDw could potentially become out of control with just the right amount of red wine.  I almost had to hospitalize her one NYE after too many glasses of vino, due to out of control screaming and suicidal ideations.  Ended up flushing her wedding ring down the toilet (accidentally) that night.  She awoke the next morning, apologizing profusely that it would never happen again... . until it did about a month later.

[Emelie Emelie]

His serious rages were all alcohol induced.  Only happened when he was drunk.  I remember one time we were out with a bunch of people and he suddenly got pissy and said "we're leaving".  I had no idea what was up.  Got to his house and he (who I then realized was very drunk) said, "I was really pissed off at you but now I don't remember why... . hah hah."  Well of course I had no idea why he was really mad at me so I was like, whew.  Unfortunately he remembered a little later.  Jealous over some ridiculous scenario he had created in his mind.  No basis in reality.  And he launched on me.  Screaming.  Berating.  I tried to reason with him.  No go.  Finally he (with complete hate in his eyes) screamed F you Emelie.  F you from my heart.  I was stunned.  I started to cry and he said "Yeah, you go cry."  I went home.  That was the first break up.  Two months prior to the final.  The next morning he apologized profusely for the way he treated me.  But insisted he had a reason to be upset.  Too long and boring of a story to go into here but he had absolutely no reason to be upset.  He said he had to deal with his drinking.  That the things he most regretted in his life happened when he was drinking.  We ended up getting back together and he cut way back on the alcohol.  Until this break up.  (Which wasn't about alcohol or jealousy.)  Then he was back at it. 

[papawapa]

Over the years it became clear that with my ex there was some point, around six drinks, that a switch would flip and she would rage. One minute she would be laughing, smiling, the life of the party. The next she would be a monster, say mean horrible things and get violent. She is well aware of it to. She would try to limit herself to "only having four" but that didn't work for very long. Her worst episodes were when she was drunk.

[mitchell16]

Hazelrah, I agree I dont think this is just a BPD thing. I know alot of people that lose control of their emotions when they are drinking. But i started seeing a pattern with hers so I was just wondering how many other people experienced with the BPD person. Her pattern was if we were alone and she was drinking and got drunk she becaome very sexually with me. BUt if we were out and their was a crowd of people, it was like she started very bizare behavior which would led her to raging at me once we got home alone. and then you better watch out because it become a full fledge attack. She would say teh next day that i shouldnt hold her responsible for what she said or did while she was drunk. and my favorite was I only do thsi with you nobody else and i dont know why I do it with you. Her behavior might be, flirting with other men, asked me once if I minded if she sat in another mans lap. Once we was with  agruop of people and she out of blue decided that she needed to call and ex fling that she had once. The people in our paryy knew about this and looked at her in total shock of why she was doing that and once even asked her that.

I was just curios was this common with BPD people when they drink. becasue for along time when we drank and it was just she and i we never had no problems. BUt towards the end when we was out in public with friends it seeemd that we always ended badly. She would claim of course that it was me becasue she just wanted to have fun and couldnt be herself when i was there. But i never got out of control but I would call her out on some of her behaviors.

[Reg]

I think drinking has a tendency to induce rages in a lot of people, not just pwBPD... .

Very correct, at the end of our relationship I did occasionally get drunk a few times myself and it was on moments that I wanted to get out of the relation after another verbal fight.  It was no good moment to get me on the phone or text me.  My ex will acknowledge that !

But from her side things were much worse.  She had the problem that in 80 % of the cases she could not stop drinking once she started.  Didn't care at all about the possible consequences, such as loosing her drivers licence for two weeks for the second time (first time for extreme speeding) and a fine of over 2000 euros... .   Didn't want to accept what would happen if she had an accident due to this either.

On these moments she became in the end physically abusive, towards me and others.  Personally I didn't accept this at all. I'm never ever going to start to hit a woman, but hey there is such thing as self defence. Also she did hit cars, walls with her fists, elbow, arm etc.  Even had plans to drive into my car on such occasions... .

As the borderline she had cheated me with was a known alcoholic, things didn't get any better for her on that point either.

That other borderline BTW did push the partner from the stairs while drunk as she felt accused and offended... .

Drinking when we are in a bad mood brings usually the worst out of everybody, but with a borderline it can be hell... .

[willtimeheal]

My ex BPD was an alcoholic for the majority of our relationship. She was only happy when drunk. She dealt with life by drinking through it.  She drank morning noon and night till she passed out. She was emotionally and verbally abusive whether she was drunk or sober.  But the best part for her was no matter how she treated me she could blame the alcohol. She did it because she was drunk and she didn't remember. She grew up with alcoholic parents so part of it was that was all she knew. She finally went and got help and stopped drinking.  She started therapy too but soon quit therapy. Needless to say her behavior did not change. She was just as abusive sober as drunk but this time she couldn't blame the alcohol. So I don't believe that alcohol induces the rages. My experience was it just gave her an excuse to hide behind. 

[nevaeh]

My uBPDh doesn't drink much at all.  However, it is fairly usual for him to drink right AFTER a rage, I suppose to calm himself down.  I'm thankful he's never been much of a drinker.

[Ironmanrises]

In the first round of my relationship with my exUBPDgf... . In the latter stage of devaluation right at the gate of Discard... . is when she first raged at me. The anger she unleashed.

Shook me. I hadnt done anything to her for that outburst.

That was actually the very first glaring red flag that something was completely wrong.

The things she said to me while roaring at me... . no defense against that.

Almost like she fired projectiles at me from point blank range.

Such venom.

Where had it come from?

Why was it directed at me?

Ripped right through me.

I tried to block out that experience the following day.

Damage was already rippling throughout.

It wasnt long after that that i had found this forum.

I cried myself to sleep after reading the first few stories on here.

[Reg]

Ok as it doesn't always have to be as serious, let's remember this ourselves 

[mitchell16]

that was funny. Nothing wrong with a little humor.

[peas]

Yes, do not waste good wine on bad judgment. 

[Clearmind]

Alcohol and sex are used to self soothe/self regulate - mask pain. Both can be maladaptive coping skills to much bigger emotional issues.

[nevaeh]

Posted by: Clearmind

Alcohol and sex are used to self soothe/self regulate - mask pain. Both can be maladaptive coping skills to much bigger emotional issues.

My H uses both of those.  Drinking doesn't cause his rages, he uses it to calm himself after a rage.  Sex is definitely self-soothing behavior for him.  I can see him go from spewing hatred to being lovey/cuddly within a matter of a couple of hours.  I will admit that there have been times that I have "given" him sex just to try and get him out of one of his moods.  I'm actually ashamed to say that.  Our marriage/sex life is so messed up. 

[mitchell16]

In the first year or two of our relationship she/we drank for receration and it always led to night of wild sex and fun conversations. But towards the end i would say maybe last 6 months it would led to her rages or wild sex and then rages and it was like she couldnt control her drinking with just one or two drinks like she used to could. BUt it almost alway resulted in her losing control and starting some sort of argument or doing things that she knew would led to an argument. and if I ignored her I almost felt like she was disappointed that she didnt get her argument wanted.