I think we're in for a bumpy road.

[lostandunsure]

But at least we now have a road that seems to be going somewhere.

I posted that my wife has been officially diagnosed with BPD. In many ways it's a relief to have a firm diagnosis that really feels like it fits rather than the "throw it at the wall and see what sticks" treatment she's been getting for over 15 years.

But, while she was somewhat excited and relieved at first, I think the reality is setting in. I've had a few more weeks to deal with it since I have been fairly convinced of the diagnosis since I first read the diagnostic list of behaviors. But this is rather new for her... . And she was actually happy to have something that she can confidently point to as the reason she behaves the way she does, and confirmation that she does really think and feel emotion differently than "normal" people do. While it was difficult to hear, I think it validated her feeling that she does have a problem.

Today, 2 days since she was diagnosed, she's getting overwhelmed and doesn't know quite what to think... . There's a lot of information out there for BPD and from what I've been able to tell, most of it is written from the "non" point of view, not from the "BPD" point of view. And while there is some good information from the BPD point of view, some of it is just way out there (one site seemed to be more about sex identity confusion than BPD, yet it was supposedly only about BPD). She's understandably very frustrated by that. Personally, I think it's because it's so very hard for a pwBPD to admit that they have a problem and go get help... . It's usually the nonBPD who will do something and take action, so that's where most of the information is directed.

To make things worse, the DBT program we want to get her in has a 6 month waiting period. So, she's trying to decide what to do for therapy in the meantime, until she can get into the program. (there are two in the area, but the other one is further away and doesn't seem to really follow the DBT program format, it seems to just be a handful of seminars, rather than the intensive program that I've been reading about.)

Meanwhile, I'm reading as many books as I can to help me build the tool set that I need. I'm learning that I can and should have boundaries. I'm trying to learn better communication skills, but I think that's going to take time, and unfortunately practice, that's not always easy.

So, while we have a long road, I'm actually more optimistic than I have been in a long while for both our mental health and for the success of our relationship... .

And before you go thinking that I'm thinking everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, the skies are still partly cloudy with a significant change for storms, and I don't see that changing for a while... . I'm just finally learning what an umbrella is and how to use it for the next time it does storm.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seashells]

And before you go thinking that I'm thinking everything is going to be rainbows and unicorns from here on out, the skies are still partly cloudy with a significant change for storms, and I don't see that changing for a while... . I'm just finally learning what an umbrella is and how to use it for the next time it does storm.

Loved this analogy.  I'm in a completely different relationship situation, single with a SO bf.  :)uring the past year or just a bit longer, I'd begun to suspect (at the very least) BPD traits.   Have just recently learned it is now a confirmed diagnosis.  

I'm also going through some of the same emotions you put to words in this post.  It's validating for me, my initial reaction was hopeful and it's still very daunting all at the same time.  I haven't posted for months, am just back to reading here again in light of this development and not quite ready to post about it. Not sure what my path is going to be either, I'm still letting it sink in so to speak.

I did want to acknowledge your post though as the newly diagnosed resonated with me.   I wish you well on your journey and it sounds as though you've remained grounded while still being hopeful.

[shamrock]

I am several years ahead of you

The term I use is that she is running a marathon with baby steps, & as you know babys sit down & often get side tracked.

6 mons is a short wait for DBT, here it is 2yrs or more. In mean time of course she will be overwhelmed but there are good books out there, but the first hurdle, I think, & hardest is radical acceptance

Good luck, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel, & life will improve 110%

[patientandclear]

I'm in a completely different relationship situation, single with a SO bf.

Seashells, 

I remember you and your nuanced, insightful posts.  I am still involved in the hard-to-name, intimate whatever-it-is with my uBPDexbf, and while it's been hard, as I was exploring when I last read your posts, it's gotten deeper, and stronger, and better.  Which presents its own set of challenges because it's not clear what that can or should mean, when we have such ambiguous "terms of engagement."

So I'm wondering if you could elucidate what you mean when you describe your r/s as "single with a SO bf."  Maybe that's what I am!

Thanks ... .

[lostandunsure]

Thanks again for everyone's replies... .

shamrock, Thanks for the encouragement and the future perspective. I look forward to getting to the several years down the road point of view... . I can't imagine having to wait 2 years for proper treatment. My wife is having a very hard time trying to stay "excited" for a program that she may not be able to start for several months... . Sometimes she gets a "If it's not tomorrow it's not going to happen." attitude that's hard to break through. It doesn't help that those 6 months will cross winter, which she's very much not looking forward too. She did find several group classes from the local NAMI website that are supposed to help people with Mental disorders and I'm hopeful that will help fill the gap between now and the specific treatment plan.

Anyway, "radical acceptance" is the hurdle I'm working on. Sometimes it's just so hard to accept and not try to fix. But I'm working on it. We're making steps here and there.