Parents deceased and trying to deal with BPD sister

[Getting Healthy]

Posting is a new forum for me, so I'm not quite sure how to begin.  My mother passed away 4 years ago and I moved my ill father (cancer) to take care of him.  He passed away at the end of July, 2013.  Coping with the death of my parents is difficult, but dealing with my sister with BPD (my therapist believes this is the correct diagnosis, but not officially diagnosed) has been unbearable.  There have been SO MANY things that have happened over the years to affect all the relationships in my family.  This illness is tragic.  My mother died as she lived, in the middle of my sister's chaos.  My father died with a lot of negative and angry feelings based on lies told by my sister.  I, like others who have posted, keep getting sucked in by my sister in hopes that "this time will be different".  I love my nephews, but I don't think I can have any contact with my sister.

I would love feedback on healing the past and how to move forward with my life.  Thanks to all!

[DreamFlyer99]

Well, you started out your posting experience quite successfully! I know it was a new thing to me too.

And 

I was so happy to find other people in this community who were struggling with my same issues, it made me feel so much less crazy. Sometimes it would feel like I must be making up the situations I was dealing with because they seemed so bizarre. Sounds like you've been there too.

i'm so sorry for the loss of your parents, that is quite a loss within 4 years. The good news is, you can find a lot of information on this site to help with your communicating with your sister and understand where her thinking originates. All that has really helped me with my husband, and he hasn't been diagnosed either, it was more a conclusion reached with talking to my therapist. So diagnosis or not, you'll find a lot here to help you deal with the r/s with your sister in more healthy ways.

Welcome to the learning journey and your better mental health! I know it's helped mine.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi gettinghealthy,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties with your sister, that is very painful, especially while coping with the loss of your parents.  I'm so sorry that you, and your parents, had to endure the chaos.  This is a great place for support.  We have members here who have been in similar situations and understand how it is to have a family member with BPD.  We also have lots of tools to help the relationship, if you decide that you want to do that.

It's great that you are seeing a therapist.  I found that very helpful in my healing as well.  We can definitely help with your healing and moving forward.  You are not alone!

Is your sister in therapy or aware of her issues?  How often do you see her, and what behaviors are the most challenging right now?

Here are some useful links that may help right now: Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Please keep writing, we are here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[pessim-optimist]

Hi gettinghealthy,



I am so sorry for your losses... . You have been carying such a heavy burden.  

Grieving the departure of our parents would be enough, but coping with your sister's illness on top of it must be so, so hard.  

You come here with very good questions in your mind, and this is a very good place to learn and share and also heal. As you go through the grieving process and will gradually have more energy to dig into the issues.

There are some very good resources also. Here's one you might want to check out when you feel up to it:

The Five Stages of Discovery for Family Members

It is a very personal decision whether to keep in contact with a family member wBPD or not. No one can tell you what is right for you, but we will be happy to support you on your journey. There is a whole board on this site dedicated to relationships with family members who suffer from BPD, where you can post and share with others in similar situations:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

It's good to hear that you have a therapist and that you are taking care of yourself.

Keep posting, and welcome again.  

[Getting Healthy]

Thank you!  I will review the five stages of recovery for family members!  It sounds wonderful. 

I think the grieving process has brought forward so many hurtful experiences with my sister.  It's also so difficult to come to terms with the realization that she is the only immediate family member left for me. 

My post-name, gettinghealthy, is a commitment to where I would like to focus my energy.  By the way, there is a typo in my name (h) is missing.   How do I fix it?

Thanks, again!

[Getting Healthy]

The five stages of recovery for family members is an excerpt from, "Stop Walking On Eggshells", which I LOVE!   

Thank you!

[Getting Healthy]

Also, to heartandwhole... . I see my sister very infrequently, which is a help.  She is in total denial that she has any issues.  She is a total victim.