The pain of trying to reconnect... I wonder if I'm blowing it

[blurry]

Take care of yourself Isseeu, whether you never see him again, or if somehow he wakes up tomorrow cured (not happening), don't self destruct or punish yourself. I learned about this 7 months and 3 breakups ago, but apparently I haven't learned to not self destruct, and now I'm facing not only the heartbreak of the split, but no job, again, lost my apartment, again, flat broke, again, barely made it out of an out of control drinking binge, again. Just take care of yourself, mentally and physically, really no other option, now more than ever.

[DetroitDame]

Isseeu:

Top priority right now is you and your health.  Try with all your energy to really feel these tough emotions and manage them effectively.  I often gave myself a certain time of day to really just dig into those thoughts and memories and cry.  I also made sure I found time to focus on the other things in my life such as my job and kids.  Please do not let this destroy you.  You have the strength to see this through!

I know from experience that it hurts like hell but trust me, it gets better with time!

[isseeu]

Thanks blurry and DetroitDame,  so much. 

blurry, you've been through and are dealing with so much.  I hope that you are taking DetroitDame's advice as well-it's so hard.

I'm determined not to self-destruct over this. I really really am trying-and making progress.  I'm doing a lot better than I was-but those bleeping crying jags just sneak up on ya.   I'm so fortunate to be surrounded by incredibly loyal, wonderful, loving and PATIENT friends and family.  I probably shouldn't have been paid at work for a good chunk of the last couple of months but I'm getting my legs back under me... . slowly!

In some ways, I think that this would have been easier if I had been in one of the relationship patterns others had - where there had been a bunch of nasty things said, bad behavior, multiple recycles.  I had the short bouts of sulking, a couple episodes of silent tmt, and obvious stress and anxiety he was experiencing that he couldn't really explain well.  The break up "blow up" was the only anger I had seen... . and he's been silent ever since, save a few little texts earlier.    I know that it's hard either way but we really did have a wonderful 2+ years for the most part-even tho the BPD signs were there in hindsight.  I guess it's not easy no matter what but detaching is hard when the process hadn't started earlier-and when I'm just not sure what his silence means.  I'm trying very hard not to ruminate about that because I just can't know. 

Thank you again for caring.  I tell ya, where would we be without this message board.  I would be crazed and in worse shape, trying to figure out just what the hell I was dealing with.     

[papawapa]

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. They use it because it makes them feel powerful and in control. My opinion is that the best way to deal with it is to follow the golden rule. Give it right back to them. Show them that it doesn't affect you. Maintain no contact and eventually your silence will eat at them and they will contact you.

[isseeu]

Thanks papawapa,

9 weeks just seems like such a long time for a silent treatment.  I'm wondering if it's beyond him even caring if he's punishing me or not - but that he just doesn't care anymore.  That thought really eats me alive.  I can't believe that would be true after 2+ really great years and only one blow up-when he ended things.  I hadn't texted for almost two weeks.  His daughter is in town and I sent a message yesterday asking him if he would take a gift to her that I bought.  (She and I have been very close and he is fine with me staying in touch with her-which I have).  Anyway, I didn't get a response from him-which sucks.

[peas]

It sounds like you need to just show up at his house and demand answers. Or stop contacting him. Or write him a letter with everything you need to say and don't dwell on whether he responds to it. Several weeks after the breakup you are waiting on his next move and it's holding you back from any progress or decision-making in your own life.

I am eight weeks NC with my uBPDex. He and I will probably never contact each other again because we exchanged some harsh words. He rejected me and all that and one thing I don't regret is I blasted him on the way out with all the crappy things he said and did to me. I rolled up my sleeves and got dirty and gave the hurt back to him.

Naturally he thinks I'm crazy and said he wants nothing to do with me. Fine. At least I got off my chest some things he needed to hear from me. I had to do this in text because typical coward pwBPD, he refused to see me or take my calls. I am so glad I unloaded what I had to say to him. I kept those texts and have re-read them and my instincts are correct: I'm not crazy. He was uncaring, mean and angry and I called it correctly. Those texts reveal that I had more strength, smarts and self-respect than I thought at the time.

[patientandclear]

Thanks papawapa,

9 weeks just seems like such a long time for a silent treatment.  I'm wondering if it's beyond him even caring if he's punishing me or not - but that he just doesn't care anymore.  That thought really eats me alive.  I can't believe that would be true after 2+ really great years and only one blow up-when he ended things.  I hadn't texted for almost two weeks.  His daughter is in town and I sent a message yesterday asking him if he would take a gift to her that I bought.  (She and I have been very close and he is fine with me staying in touch with her-which I have).  Anyway, I didn't get a response from him-which sucks.

A couple of unrelated points.

I went through 10 weeks of silent treatment after I asked some gentle questions about my pwBPD's decision to suddenly move across the country and relocate to another city for no particular reason.  We only reconnected when I finally broke down & sent another email asking if my comments had been hard to hear.  He was very angry and nasty, and said he'd been at the point of giving up on our friendship ... .it wasn't good.

But what I learned in our processing of that in the weeks that followed was that it certainly wasn't that he didn't care.  He simply didn't have the tools to process what had happened & didn't know how to express his feelings in a way he thought I could hear.  We went back & forth quite a bit with me affirming that it was OK with me for him to be mad, and that I'd far rather hear that he was angry with me, than for him to just give up.

I am sure your ex cares.  It seems likely that he feels stuck & doesn't know how to repair or address the situation, maybe lacks confidence that such a situation can be repaired.  If you have future communication, I guess I'd suggest focusing on "whatever feelings you were having about us when you left, or since, are OK with me, I can hear them."  That type of thing.

On the other hand, when someone is willing and able to react like this in the midst of an otherwise loving, calm r/s, is it promising about how issues will be handled in the future?  Probably not.  This experience provides important data about what he may do again in the future.

One more point.  I would choose communication along the lines of the above, which is about the two of you, rather than anything about his daughter.  He may view the latter as manipulative, as in, you are using his daughter to try to force him to respond when he obviously doesn't otherwise want to.  So if I were you, I'd handle all transactions & communications with/about his daughter directly with the daughter, and not involve him at all.

 

[isseeu]

I do believe that he feels stuck.  I don't think that this is deliberate punishment-maybe that's wishful thinking-but I believe he is in a lot of pain. 

The experience does absolutely give me important data about how he will handle difficulty in the future-and I would not go through this again. 

As for the communication about his daughter, your comment patientandclear made me take a clear look at my motive behind it.  She doesn't have a car to come see me and I know he will be seeing her AND he lives a mile from me-we had been in an earlier pattern of me leaving things in this box on my deck for him to pick up.  I was thinking he could do that with her gift.  But the fact is, it was manipulative on my part.  I can always mail her the gift if there isn't a time for me to go meet up with her myself during her short stay.

peas-I can't just show up at his house because he lives in a secure apartment building.  I would have to call him for access, and he won't answer.  That feels a bit like stalking to me-and I don't want to  go there.

[papawapa]

Whats stopping you from contacting his daughter yourself?  You dont need to use him as a go between.

[isseeu]

Nothing-I have been in touch with her.  I was contacting him to try to have a back up plan to get her gift to her if she isn't able to get together with me.  She's only here for a short time and the main purpose of her visit is to see her sick grandmother. 

[patientandclear]

Isseeu, it takes a lot of integrity to self-analyze and see the partially manipulative motives behind that overture about his daughter.  Don't worry about it -- anyone would be tempted to find a neutral, understandable way to connect in this situation.

But I have a suggestion.  I know you've tried pinging him with warm, not-heavy texts in the past, telling him, essentially, you are still here.  I think that's a good strategy, or at least, that it doesn't do harm, if you want to maintain the r/s, as we've discussed before.

But I am guessing those warm, light overtures have NOT been weighted down with a discussion of what happened causing him to leave.

I'm wondering if you might find it worthwhile to write one last email message, explaining your openness to whatever feelings led him to feel that leaving was necessary, and assuring him that you can hear those without judgment and not in turn reject him for having felt those things.  That you understand that only powerful, bad feelings would have led him to take that step, and those feelings are safe to express to you.  That you are not mad at him, and that you would be open to talking about how those feelings could be accommodated in any r/s you have going forward.

If you send something validating like that, making clear you are offering a safe space for his actual feelings ... .perhaps you could feel like you have done everything you can, for now. And then feel better about leaving it, if he doesn't respond right away.

That really is the limit of what we can do while maintaining self-respect: offer the other person a safe space to feel their feelings while remaining in the r/s.  If you can do that, maybe you could be a bit more at peace that for things to move past this point, he will need to reach out for the hand that you are clearly extending him with such a message.

If you do