BPD and Daughter-in-law

[twoday]

This is my first post - but the problem has been years in the making.  My son and DIL have been married 4 years.  My grandson is 5.  I will probably only have this one grandchild. A therapist I was seeing for my anxiety due to issues with my DIL told me she normally never suggests a diagnosis for someone she hasn't seen, and she wouldn't do it now. BUT she asked if I knew of DX of BPD.  She recommended a book - WALKING ON EGGSHELLS... . and we left it at that. I got home and looked up BPD and saw my DIL and the years of situations, over-reactions, misunderstanding, blow-ups over nothing and retaliation.  Like so many of these posts, she has alienated most every family member and friend.  She is so angry all the time.  Blows up over small issues.  She has not let me see my grandson for almost 4 months. She has painted me black.  Over something that would not be an issue were it not for BPD.  I am her target, but not her only one.  There have been lots of negative from her, but not all. In reading the book WALKING ON EGGSHELLS... . , I've come understand more about how she's feeling, how empty and negative she feels. (terms she's used in the past).  How angry she is about her childhood, sexual abuse, neglect.  I see her in all these sad stories and I want to help, but I can't.  Today while she rages at me via text, she then tell me that she feels like "taking her own life". I tried to call her but she will not take my calls.  So I texted her to let her know I am here for her.  My son and I were very close and still talk but she has isolated him. He doesn't know about BPD. Should I tell him to at least look it up?

[vivekananda]

Hi twoday 

I can sense a sort of relief that you can at last begin to understand why your DIL is the way she is. That doesn't ease the confusion, hurt and anger at all the pain you have felt over the years. Not being able to see your grandchild must be very hard indeed. I am glad you have found us here, you are in a safe place where people understand.

I would like to encourage you to explore the website here, there are many resources available to us: articles, book reviews and workshops, as well as the boards where we get support and guidance for our specific situations. Are there any particular questions you may have?

I would like to suggest to you that you hold back on saying anything of what you have learnt until you have begun to acquire the tools that we find so helpful in dealing with people with BPD. These tools are especially validation and values based boundary setting. Here is a link to a workshop you may find helpful.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Do you have anyone to support you in this? Is your son's father on the scene?

take care twoday,

Vivek  

[twoday]

Hi Vivek ,

Thank you for your reply - I do feel better, somehow, knowing there's a name for what we've been going through.

As my son becomes more isolated, I can feel him slipping away.  We were always so close, he's 42. I haven't shared with him the negative, sometimes hateful text messages she has sent me because I don't want to put him in the middle.  I don't know what she is saying to him about me but when he and I spoke momentarily last night he asked if I could text my DIL or send her a card.  As if I'm not being supportive enough. I told him she and I had texted yesterday (where she told me "... . I wouldn't want to feel this way and take my own life" and that I had sent her a card the day before.  I feel even though my DIL is sending neg. texts that she is reaching out to me.

I'll try the boundaries link you sent.  I think I may have boundary issues. I know prior to this latest issue 4 months ago, I was afraid to say no to ANY request she had because there was always a price.

My son's father passed away 10 years ago. I have sisters but am reluctant to share because I don't want them to hold her behavior against her.  That's bad isn't it ;-/

Thank you again,

Twoday

[vivekananda]

gee twoday you are in a difficult position aren't you. You are not just walking on eggshells but juggling them too!

I think it is important for you that you keep contact with your son. So, I think it would be helpful for you to learn what you can about BPD. Have you read any books about BPD?

Our two skills for working with people with BPD are values based Boundaries and Validation. I sent you the link on boundaries, here is a link on validation:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD 

This video goes for over 50 mins and you would benefit from taking notes too. The skill of validation is a challenging one, but it will help you improve your relationship with the ones you love. Let me know how you find it, ok?

I wonder if you would like explore the boards where we seek support and guidance from our peers? There are two boards that you might find support, one is for those with family members with BPD, the other is for parents of children with BPD. You would be welcome on both these boards and you could choose one or both. Let me know if you are ready to try them out and I will send you the links, ok?

cheers,

Vivek

[twoday]

Hi Vivek ,

I am reading Walking on Eggshells right now, about halfway thru.  Along with reading the information on this website for Boundaries, I read a link from Boundaries on Validation.  I can see things so much clearer, from my DIL's perspective.  Not that she didn't over react, etc., etc., but WHY.  Prior to learning this is what she might have, I felt confused, hurt and angry that she reacted is such negative ways and worried about my son and grandson, yet I was determined to win her over for all our sakes.  Since learning about BPD I feel such empathy for the pain she is feeling.

I guess schools in session for me on this long road.  I'll watch the Validation video and send you a message regarding the other two Boards.

Thank you so much - your warm and caring response is helping.

With Hope,

Twoday

[vivekananda]

Hi twoday,

It looks like you are on the 'healing' board now... .

I am glad you have found the reading helpful. For me it was a steep learning curve for quite a while. I couldn't read enough it seemed. What I found was that the more I understood about BPD and the more I practised boundaries and validation, the better I was for my loved one with BPD and the better I was for myself too.

I will leave you in the good hands of the people on this board now. I usually hang out on the parent's board, my daughter with BPD is 32. As a parent, your experience is different as I'm sure you could appreciate. If at some time you find the parent board better for you with your relationship with your DIL, please feel free to join us there.

In the meantime, feel free to explore the site, comment on other threads and in general use the boards as it helps you, there are lots of resources here. I found that the more I posted, the more I learnt too - it all helped.

take care twoday,

Vivek