Sad for my Dad (nBPD)

[todayistheday]

When I was growing up, Dad was my refuge from uBPD Mom.   He'd say "I'm going to... . want to go with me", I always did, no matter where it was.  My worst days were when Dad worked second shift and I didn't see him at all.  Mom was not as bad to me when Dad was around.

I was the scapegoat child who could do no right.  There was lots of verbal abuse and some (not a whole lot) of physical abuse.

When I left, Dad became her target.  I think he was before some too.  I need to ask him when we have one of our heart-to-hearts.

I got to spend several hours with him yesterday and he told me some things that have gone on lately.  Things about activities he'd like to do but doesn't to keep the peace.  That kind of thing.  He said something about Mom getting mad and not speaking to him for days.  I said that I'd just enjoy that.  He said something about her heavy sighs, etc when she walked into the room.

I have learned skills to get by those things, over the years, partially due to not being around any more.

After being advised by a counselor that Mom was probably BPD I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book as she advised.  It was like the authors were watching my family when they wrote the book.  Even some of the strategies which I had figured out on my own  were in the book.  I had a talk with my Dad about BPD and gave him the book after I read it.  However, whenever I try to talk to him about it, he shuts down.  

They have been married 53 years,so they're in their late 70s.  :)ad has not taken his power, he's a beaten man.  I know it's partially his fault.  He did try to leave when my sister graduated high school, but somehow she manipulated him into staying.  They live under the same roof now, even moved together, but do not share a room.  She says it's because he snores.  I know it's because they don't even like each other.

I know it's his problem and he should grab his power.  But I know that he's in this pattern for so long that he won't.  He is a wonderful person who is totally miserable and it really makes me so sad for him.  I know I can't do anything.  I wish I could help him but I know I can't.  He does know that he can talk to me.  But I shouldn't be in the middle of their stuff.  But I'm the only one who can understand and he needs somebody.  I can't imagine getting him to counseling.  She holds all the finances, so she would know.  I may talk to him about getting a few sessions somewhere and I pay, but she would probably still know.  She keeps tabs on his every move which is part of the problem he is having now.

He deserved a better life than he got and I am tearing up right now thinking about it.  I love him so dearly and love him so much more than I hate her.  

Not looking for advice, I just wanted to get this out.

[cleotokos]

Todayistheday, I'm sorry you are suffering. My dad doesn't stand up for himself either (he's divorced from uBPD mom but his new wife is... . something else!). I know he's not that happy and I think that inside he believes he doesn't really deserve to be. My dad is the most empathetic person you could ever meet, always having understanding for those around him - too much sympathy for my crazy stepmother and she uses and takes advantage. I don't have any advice other than to be there for your dad as much as you can. Only he can change things for himself so the best you can do is support him when he needs it.