Obsessive behavior?

[lostandunsure]

I've been reading a lot of information while I get up to speed on BPD. I'm sure I'll have a lot of re-reading and reviewing of information as the months go on... .

I can't remember if Obsessive behavior is part of BPD. For example, when my wife received her official diagnosis, she spent pretty much all of her waking hours two days straight researching information on it, the first night she stayed up till 4 in the morning, last night she stayed up till 6 in the morning.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Something triggers her and she obsesses over it with a kind of hyper focus that she can't shake loose, losing sleep and her sanity about it until she either snaps, or I can get her to calm down and step back. The next morning I'll wake up and find my in box full of links to information on whatever topic she's hyper focused on and I have to comment on each and every one of them, or be told that I'm not listening. Unfortunately, it usually takes a blow up of some kind to get her to snap out of it, once we have the blow up, she's usually fine, I'm left dealing with the pieces.

Is this common with BPD? Does anyone have suggestions on how to distract her or take a step back from this type of behavior?

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[DreamFlyer99]

i don't remember if it's part of BPD, but my uBPDh is the same way, gets really obsessed about something. But then so do I, I was much the same as your wife when I got my Fibromyalgia diagnosis, and it made my husband crazy that I wanted to talk about it so much.

[waverider]

Very common. My partner was misdiagnosed as OCD for 20 years or so before working out it was BPD. OCD fixates excessively on individual issues. BPD has transferrable obsessions. The object of obsession shifts, and the previous one is no longer of consequence. It is also why the are prone to addictions.

Once my partner accepted her dx, she went on an endless spate of OD's trying to force the system to pay her attention and get into T immediately. Then when T was arranged she never followed through. I do not let on just how much I have learned about the subject as she interrogates me for info and symptoms, and if she is not already displaying them she will take them on. Hypochondria is also commonly associated.

Their "stuff" is always of more immediate importance than anyone else's, so this obsession takes over the lives of all they are in contact with.

You need to stay aware of this so that you can keep things in perspective. Take their obsession seriously as it is consuming for her but dont over feed it.

[DreamFlyer99]

Waverider, your words to lostandunsure were good for me to hear as a reminder--my uBPDh's issues are always paramount, and I need to work on that balance thing... .

[Cloudy Days]

My husband is also highly obsessive about things. Even things that are suppose to be fun for him somehow turn out to be a nightmare. For instance, he wanted a new guitar for his birthday. His mom was nice enough to let him pick one out. Not extremely expensive so it's not the one he really wanted but he was ok with it. The next week he took it back and got a different one. Took the new one to a repair shop because he didn't like something about it. They didn't fix it right so he bought stuff to fix it himself. He stayed up several nights sanding the frets of his guitar. Now he thinks he ruined it. Wants to take it to another repair shop. He loves playing guitar, so in my head a new guitar should be a happy thing. It just stressed him out for a month because he wanted it to be perfect. He gets fixated on something and just will not get off of it. Hypochondria is a big with him too and the obsession about that stuff drives me insane.

The obsession about a hobby doesn't bother me as much as some of the other things he's gotten fixated on, so I just let him have at it. It keeps his mind busy at least.

[lostandunsure]

Wow! thanks for your replies!

It's good to know that I'm not alone in seeing these types of behaviors.

Waverider,  Thank you for the reminder of being careful about talking about symptoms. My wife does show hypochondriac symptoms and I'll need to keep that in mind when I talk to her about BPD, don't want to make things worse while I'm trying to make things better!

Cloudy Days, My wife does the same thing... . Something thats supposed to be fun, becomes something that can't be put down, goes through highs and lows until she gets overwhelmed with it and puts it down, seemingly forever. I'll have to watch for it more.

DreamFlyer99, Balance is going to be very important for me the next few months as we settle into this "new normal" with an actual diagnosis and trying to figure out what it all means... .

Thanks again! this was exactly what I needed to hear!

[an0ught]

Repetitive behavior may be soothing and thus help to manage emotions. I sometimes wonder whether the obsessive behavior is partly attributable to the lack of self management skills like taking care of basic needs (sleep, eat, breaks) and difficulty to deal with time and so planing. It may be worth keeping in mind that intense focus on something has also a plus side as it compensates for the tendency to split and go off in a different direction. Obsessive behavior is certainly a dysfunctional coping behavior and of the latter there is plenty around a pwBPD.

From a practical perspective OD *may* be observable by the pwBPD, easier admittable and can provide a trigger for seeking out a T as there is less stigma attached to it.

You need to stay aware of this so that you can keep things in perspective. Take their obsession seriously as it is consuming for her but dont over feed it.

Yeah, that is the hardest bit. The relationship as a unit relies on us keeping a sense of the true North.

It is tempting to dismiss the obsessive behavior but that would be invalidating. On the other hand it often is dysfunctional. It certainly is challenging to set boundaries. We often have to as there are limits like need to sleep, budget etc. These limits are being tested just as our partner is already on the verge of dysregulation and will perceive feedback from our side as controlling.

I use the good times to nudge towards less problematic behavior on which she can fall back when she feels bad.

[DreamFlyer99]

An0ught, you said:

Repetitive behavior may be soothing and thus help to manage emotions.

Till you brought this up, lostandunsure, and others responded, I hadn't thought of all the things this has happened with for my uBPDh. There was some work drama, so he spent hours and hours and hours resurrecting a truck that had been full of water. (he's a mechanic.) He was somewhat dyregulated (I can see from here now, but not back then) and spent hours and hours obsessively studying on remote control helicopters and purchasing them (multiples!) until he'd spent a significant amount, and then flew them for a few months and now they gather dust but he gets angry at me regularly because I didn't let them just sit out in the front room for years and finally put them in a closet. The same happens with projects on the hous, etc., where he starts something and works on it fervently but doesn't follow through and finish.  I hadn't put that all together until this conversation! Interesting.

So an0ught, how do you define "true north"?

[waverider]

Obsessive behavior is tied in with an inability to regulate or be moderate in anything. Black and white, it is either of extreme importance or non at all. As mentioned repetitive familiar behavior is the response of an immature mind retreating to the familiar to help soothe and create security.

pwBPD need that security of short term focus, hence it can shift from one thing to the next (It has a neediness focus, the particular issue is just a vehicle to express it). OCD on the other hand is a more extreme fear or phobia about something in particular that particular issue is paramount, rather than just a need it is more fear driven. Fears are not as readily transferable.

It has been a big issue with my partner all her life, so i deliberately try to break up repetitive behavior before it becomes entrenched. It is surprising how disabling even the most seemingly harmless obsessions can be when they take priority over essential tasks.

[dagwood]

I've been reading a lot of information while I get up to speed on BPD. I'm sure I'll have a lot of re-reading and reviewing of information as the months go on... .

I can't remember if Obsessive behavior is part of BPD. For example, when my wife received her official diagnosis, she spent pretty much all of her waking hours two days straight researching information on it, the first night she stayed up till 4 in the morning, last night she stayed up till 6 in the morning.

This isn't the first time she's done something like this. Something triggers her and she obsesses over it with a kind of hyper focus that she can't shake loose, losing sleep and her sanity about it until she either snaps, or I can get her to calm down and step back. The next morning I'll wake up and find my in box full of links to information on whatever topic she's hyper focused on and I have to comment on each and every one of them, or be told that I'm not listening. Unfortunately, it usually takes a blow up of some kind to get her to snap out of it, once we have the blow up, she's usually fine, I'm left dealing with the pieces.

Is this common with BPD? Does anyone have suggestions on how to distract her or take a step back from this type of behavior?

Obsessive behavior is very much part of it, IMO, the person can do something over and over to get it just right... . and not be "happy" until there is that satisfaction... . and even then, it might not be just right.  It is definitely a characteristic that can drive everyone in contact with the person quite mad.  I'd say there is that "all or nothing" kind of thinking going on.  If there is a perceived failure... . it is like the world has ended.

[dagwood]

i don't remember if it's part of BPD, but my uBPDh is the same way, gets really obsessed about something. But then so do I, I was much the same as your wife when I got my Fibromyalgia diagnosis, and it made my husband crazy that I wanted to talk about it so much.

I would definitely say your wanting to talk about a health diagnosis that would affect your life is very different, IMO, to a person ruminating about something relatively minor... . with someone with BPD, it is an attempt at controlling his/her environment.  A kind of "protection." At least that's the way I would describe it.

[HowCouldYou]

My BPDW obsessed so much over the decorations on our Christmas Tree every year that the kids and I would not enjoy "helping" her decorate it. She got so bad one year that after she yelled at all of us and accused us of not caring and not wanting to do it "correctly". She then stormed out yelling for me to "put everything away, there isn't going to be a Christmas this year, I'm going to a hotel!" She drove off, then returned about 10 minutes later.

We did not know about BPD at the time, so our teenaged kids and I nicknamed her the Christmas Tree Nazi!   

[DreamFlyer99]

Thanks AnOught, Waverider, and Dagwood. And HOWCOULDYOU, I'm so glad you could laugh about it!