worried sometimes about how much this still affects me

[goldylamont]

in the past couple of months i've really come a long ways in regards to my progress to total healing. but still there are things lurking in my mind which i am still processing. just wondering what other people's experience is like, say a year or so after going NC with their BPDex? i know i've made a lot of strides. i used to have nightmares or wake up feeling hate or anger towards my ex. and this doesn't happen any more. and there were times where i would get depressed and it would take me out for a day or two where i was ok, but just watched a lot of tv not being able to focus on work/working out/projects/etc. much of this feels over now and I'm so thankful. but, i just caught myself having a conversation with myself  where i'm explaining to some friends how my ex has BPD and my experience, the whole nine. through meditations and mindfulness i think my biggest issue now is that a part of me feels a great need to explain things, some of me fears more smears coming from my ex. yet i'm sure i'm overreacting. so i end up having these conversations with people in my head (friends/neighbors) where i have to state my side of the story. it's just annoying, i'm trying to be nice to myself about it, but i will admit that i'm a little embarrassed that so long after going NC i still have these conversations. not really sure what response this would get but wanted to just let it out!

[struggli]

Thanks for sharing.

I guess I can just say I sympathize with you.  It's been about 13 months since I last had face to face contact with my ex.  She sent sparse texts up until about 4 months ago which I mostly ignored.

I have the imaginary conversations as well.  I think it's good in some ways, as long as we don't get trapped in that world. 

I still feel very much in limbo, get triggered by reminders, and still mention her in conversation, even when it's seemingly a real tangent to do so.

I haven't gone on a date or had sex.  I've been completely single for 13 months.

I still love/want/obsess over my ex.  My brain is scrambled. 

It sounds like your strides of improving have been pretty good.

[willtimeheal]

You are not alone. I haven't seen my ex BPD in five months. I have gotten random messages here and there from her. I have come along way in five months and have managed to start enjoying my life to some extent but I still slide backwards and become depressed thinking about her and wondering if she misses me and is thinking about me.  I have managed to go on dates but they feel like I am cheating on her. I go back to work next week and will have to see her face to face for the first time in five months. I also have random conversations in my head but it think that is normal. It prepares us for a time when we might run into them or see then. By having these conversations with ourselves we aren't caught off guard.