BPD and Death - Thoughts From Therapist on "Unitentional Suicide"

[confusedhubby]

The other day I went and saw my therapist who a great deal of experience with BPD's. He said something that has had me thinking a great deal.

He said that it has been his experience that many (not all) people with acute BPD suffer death or serious life long injury due to "unintentional suicide". What he meant by this was that as the illness progresses and becomes more pronounced with some people with BPD, they eventually suffer the consequences of there reckless behavior. Not because they intended it but because of a by-product of there lack of impulse control. So those who engage in risky sex acquire serious SDT's (hepatitis, AIDS etc.) Those who abuse substances have bad car accidents. Those self harm go into a far more depressive state. Overdoses. Personal injuries due to inattentiveness. Etc. He said that he rarely had heard of the intentional suicide (which btw's most times fail). Rather it is the byproduct of there other behavior that causes them physical destruction and the unintended suicide.

Another thing that really adds to this destruction is alcoholism / drugs substance abuse associated with the illness.

in my case my wife of 14 years has attempted suicide at least 3 times that I know of. None of them ever succeeded. However  she is very reckless in other ways. She is extremely promiscuous (at one time I counted she engaged in very risky sex with over a dozen different men in a 4 week period after our break-up). She thinks nothing of driving drunk / stoned. Has poor impulse control (once climbed a very tall tree because the idea of the danger excited her). Tries to function under the influence of drugs (is constantly bumping into things and dropping things). Finds inappropriate behavior to be invigorating (especially if it gets her the attention she desires from men). Etc. When you add to all of this the her denial complex / manipulation (I am not drunk, the guys I sleep with are STD free etc) and you get a recipe for death /serious injury.

One final note, from what I understood, when a person with BPD engages in such reckless behavior it's generally a sign that they are at the worst stages of the illness -- regardless of how much they wish to deny it. This is particularly true of the sexual promiscuity part. The more they need attachment & validation the more there internal emptiness is hitting a new low the more reckless they will become. In the case of my spouse she serial dated and met someone. Said she was madly in love after 3 weeks and he moved in. She showered him with gifts, attention etc. Said she had not felt like this in 20 years and that she finally understood the meaning of "true love". Claimed to have stopped drinking (yeah right) and was just euphoric overall. The funny thing is however that she was cheating on her new boyfriend. She was continuing to binge drink and do drugs.

FYI We have only been apart for 2 months!

[ScotisGone74]

That definately sounds like a mountain of mess to have to deal with.   I can't possibly imagine doing that for as long as some people on this board that have been married to their exBPD spouse.  At this point I sometimes just say a little thank you to God for giving me the wisdom for not having any kids with the exBPD and giving me the opportunity to be able to live a drama free life.  As bad as things can get, they could always be worse. 

[talithacumi]

I've wondered/worried about the same thing myself with my ex. I know he was massively triggered, and appears to have been in a near-constant state of dysregulation after getting caught having an affair to self-soothe three years ago/ending our 12+ year relationship to develop the one he's been having with the same woman ever since.

He's been drinking pretty much 24/7/365, starting the night he met her. Shakes on waking, or if he goes more than 2-3 hours without having a drink. Suffers from both chronic diarrhea and a bleeding ulcer because of it. Thinks nothing of taking HER xanax, valium, or other prescription mood elevators to enhance his feeling of intoxication/giddiness. The last time I saw him, he was so f****d up he kept bumping into things, falling down, and forgetting where he was/what I was doing there - a meeting to which he drove, and from which he insisted on driving himself home again as well.

His personal hygiene has taken a massive nose dive. He's lost/broken several teeth. Has had at least 3 abscesses that have driven him to the emergency room for treatment. A broken wrist from a fall while drunk that he refused to have x-rayed until after it set/made it difficult for him to work as a bartender without pain/painkillers.

He continues to self-soothe by sleeping around, and not taking the proper precautions against contracting an STD. Refuses to see a doctor or be tested despite his increasing concerns about some of the people he's slept with/diseases he's been told he's been exposed to/symptoms he himself has exhibited of some of those diseases.

This is a man whose employer provides him with FULL health coverage - medical, dental, optical, AND psychiatric.

Suicide by self-neglect.

Nothing I, or anyone else can do about it.

Just really sad is all.

What a waste.

[Undine]

My expwBPD also goes overboard w/promiscuity, he claims he always uses a condom but there are practices he indulges in that can't be done using a condom. When I was stupid enough to have sex with him during a recycling episode I got an STD. Looking back at that confirms to me the realization that I need to stay in no contact.

I have had experience with alcoholism previously. I watched my mother-in-law die as a result of end stage alcoholism. I begged the family to put her in treatment to save her life. They felt it had to be her decision so they let her die. She was so far gone in the disease she did not have the wits left to make that decision. When they are a danger to themselves and others what do you do? My ex-husband, who was an addict, went into treatment for a month. Yes, he went back and used again after he got out, but it gave him tools that he later utilized to help him stay clean. I think they always get something out of it.

  My xpwBPD works with many kinds of dangerous machinery when he is working on his projects & has had numerous burns, cuts, scratches, strains,sprains & minor electrocution episodes! It is so scary on so many levels to deal with these people.  I wish I had never met my BPD ex.

[Suzn]

I wish I had never met my BPD ex.

All these things your T said are true confusedhubbyofBPDw. It is a sad realization and it's hard to be able to understand why some people don't act on recovery. Also why we have no control over being able to "wake" this realization in them.

Undine, I understand this feeling of yours. However, what can we learn about ourselves after the break up and finding all of this new information about our exs?

[peas]

My exBPDbf isna heavy drinker. He could hold a job okay -- never went to work drunk -- but happy hour was almost daily for a buzz. Drank heavier on nights where he didn't have work the next day. He could finish off a 12-pack no problem. He was drunk when he provoked our last fight and I walked out.

I too have wondered if he is trying to kill himself slowly.

[peas]

Oops, that's my ex ^ "IS a heavy drinker... . " ^

[Phoenix.Rising]

I worry about my ex as well.  She is a heavy drinker, but somehow was able to hold a job.  Her pattern started in the evenings after work and she would drink until she went to bed.  She would often get very drunk on the weekends.  She would drive after drinking with her small children in the car.

I just found out that she is now married again.  This is her third marriage, and I think they only dated for about 3 months.  Someone told me last night that her new husband recently got out of prison for something to do with methamphetamines.  She told her friend that she was very "happy" now.  If someone has BPD, they are always "happy" in the idealization phase, but then we know what comes next.

It is indeed a sad state of affairs.  I think the best thing we can do for them, and for ourselves, is set firm boundaries and not enable their behaviors.  As long as someone is enabling them, it makes it a lot harder for the pwBPD to see they have a problem, in my opinion.  Oftentimes, someone has to really crash and burn hard before they are willing to seek any help.  Unfortunately, sometimes people do not make it.  I still have some anger about my situation with my ex, but I do hope that she is able to find some kind of help at some point.  To me, it sounds like it is getting worse for her.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Peas. Thanks for sharing.

Sorry to hear what you had to go through. It sounds like it took a huge toll on you.

My diagnosed BPD wife drinking is far worse. She drinks about .5 liters of vodka a day. Starts drinking upon awaking and continues straight till bedtime. She holds an MBA from Harvard, graduated top of her class from John Hopkins. When I met her she was a successful executive managing 150+ people and making well into the six figures. But the disease of alcoholism as well as BPD issues caused her to deteriorate badly. To get an idea of the toll it has taken on her consider this: Her last job was at Home Depot as a cashier. And even this job she was not able to maintain because of her drinking and was let go.  

We are presently in the midst of a divorce. I am saddened at what happened to her and our marriage. But she's in denial that there is anything wrong wit her. She blames everything on me. She has a new boyfriend / enabler and says she is in love having the time of her life. Sad really.

[confusedhubby]

Hi Phoenix. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like your ex and mine have a great deal in common. People with addictions like hers are bound to crash eventually. There is nothing good that comes out of there lives. Nothing! What may appear as joy and fun on the outside is really them masking the self destruction and hurt inside.

[ScotisGone74]

Along with their destructive patterns of alcohol/drug abuse, race car driving, and promiscuity, I'd like to add in another one - having their person they having been with for years and telling each day they love them around while parading/hiding their new sex partner directly in front of.  Thats just a sick thing to do to someone, illness or not, and in my case I was just lucky/smart enough to just walk away, she is going to continue to do that and really get herself in a bad situation one day.   I guess thats just part of the drama/anger that she seemed to truly enjoy carrying out. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

What may appear as joy and fun on the outside is really them masking the self destruction and hurt inside.

I agree with you here.  I'm sorry you are going through such hurt with a divorce, but honestly it sounds like it's probably the best for you if she denies any wrongdoing on her part. 

My ex had huge denial about most of her behaviors.  She would see glimpses at times and then shut the door on it.  She works (I guess she still works there) for a prominent accounting firm in her town.  She is intelligent, attractive, etc. 

She told me one time though that she couldn't concentrate in the mornings at work for several hours because of her drinking the night before.  She would have the shakes in the mornings sometimes.  I do hope she eventually 'sees the light' at some point, but that is not up to me.  I think we are both better off not being involved in that madness.  Hang in there.   

[GreenMango]

If your worried she can become suicidal there are some precautions.  It's not an easy place to be.

Here is one the resources on how to handle it.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

From that are there some options that seem doable?

[confusedhubby]

Hi Phoenix.

My wife too had momentary lapses where she would see the harm she was causing herself and her family. But typically this would only last couple of hours when she was so sick  / hung over that she could not deny the hurt. By the evening though she would be back to her denial mode.