What to expect

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Next week I return to work after having the summer off. I haven't seen my ex BPD all summer. She left me at the beginning of summer for someone else. She told me she loved me and didn't want this other person. The last few.months have been a mix of emotions but I have slowly gotten back on track and started to enjoy life again. Sometimes emotions hit me and I slide backwards but I have moved forward and continue to. I haven't heard from my ex in over a month and then a received a message from her saying she broke up with her new bf a while ago. I have a mix of emotions about next week and seeing her. Part of me is disgusted with her and another  part of me loves her. What am I going to do?  I am so nervous and scared about next week.

[willtimeheal]

Next week I return to work after having the summer off. I haven't seen my ex BPD all summer. She left me at the beginning of summer for someone else. She told me she loved me and didn't want this other person. The last few.months have been a mix of emotions but I have slowly gotten back on track and started to enjoy life again. Sometimes emotions hit me and I slide backwards but I have moved forward and continue to. I haven't heard from my ex in over a month and then a received a message from her saying she broke up with her new bf a while ago. I have a mix of emotions about next week and seeing her. Part of me is disgusted with her and another  part of me loves her. What am I going to do?  I am so nervous and scared about next week.

[eyvindr]

WTH --

I can totally relate to how you describe feeling fine one day, then feeling yourself slide backwards, but staying positive and moving forward.

So, your ex met someone else, and you didn't hear from her for a month. Now she broke up with them, and she felt the need to let you know about it.

I assume you work together, or you wouldn't be worried about seeing her again.

Why do you think she'd make the effort to update you on her r-ship status?

[willtimeheal]

I was suppose to have an operation. I postponed it. She messaged to see how I was. I told her that she didn't need to be concerned ... . That her life was with someone else. That is what she chose. That is when she told me she broke up with him. I don't know  if she would have told me otherwise. She has not contacted me since. She basically told me my reply to her was rude. Which it wasn't. I am just trying to move on and it seems whenever I am on a good path she disrupts it (the message).  We do work together and I am scared about seeing her. I am scared because I don't know how she feels for me and I don't know if she is back with that guy ... . I don't know anything. And a huge part of me still has feelings for her and I just want to protect myself. I just wish next week was here so I can get it over with.

[Learning_curve74]

I am just trying to move on and it seems whenever I am on a good path she disrupts it (the message).  We do work together and I am scared about seeing her. I am scared because I don't know how she feels for me and I don't know if she is back with that guy ... . I don't know anything. And a huge part of me still has feelings for her and I just want to protect myself. I just wish next week was here so I can get it over with.

I see that you seem to have a number of different emotions about and involving your ex. On one hand you want to "move on" but on the other hand you still feel like she can hurt you by sending you a simple message. I feel the same, in a way wanting to not want to think about my ex so much any more.

Is your goal to remain separate from your ex, to not get reinvolved with her? You said you still have feelings for her but want to protect yourself. If you aren't interested in her or don't want to be involved with her again, then how she feels about you or the other guy shouldn't be important. Are you afraid you'll change your mind if she says she wants to get back together?

Are you having anxiety about finally seeing your ex again after this break? That's totally natural, even for nonBPDex. I know that I haven't spoken to my ex for a month and am scared to see her in person. I want to say some things to her but it probably is in my own best interest to stay away from her. And that makes me feel sad.

[willtimeheal]

Learning curve

After all these months and all this pain I have come so far and grown so much. But I can't hide the fact that there is still a part of me that loves her and still wishes for that life we were suppose to have together. I know this sounds arrogant but my biggest fear is going to work and finding out she doesn't want or love me anymore. That will crush me all over again. Even after all this time and how far I have come. If I didn't have to see her I would be ok but seeing her and finding out she doesn't want me will be like an arrow thru my heart all over again. How is that possible?

[Learning_curve74]

After all these months and all this pain I have come so far and grown so much. But I can't hide the fact that there is still a part of me that loves her and still wishes for that life we were suppose to have together. I know this sounds arrogant but my biggest fear is going to work and finding out she doesn't want or love me anymore. That will crush me all over again. Even after all this time and how far I have come. If I didn't have to see her I would be ok but seeing her and finding out she doesn't want me will be like an arrow thru my heart all over again. How is that possible?

WTHeal, it sounds like you have gone through a lot and have grown from it. If you are enjoying some things in your life again, that is a really great step you've made towards healing.

It's only natural that you still have feelings for your BPDex, because the summer is not so long, at least not long enough for your memories of the good times and the resulting wishes for a happy future together to completely fade. Like I said to you earlier, I am afraid of seeing my BPDex because of the emotions it will churn up inside of me, so I definitely see where you're coming from.

Wanting her to still love you and want you is natural. To feel that somebody wants us and loves us can feel totally wonderful, a great feeling. Of course I want to be loved! Do I need to be loved by my BPDex? I don't want to feel that way, to feel that need for somebody who is unhealthy for me. I need to love myself right now to understand that I cannot go back to the same destructive relationship with her. Ironically, she needs to love herself as well, as one of the steps in her healing. I need to let go, let the dreams fade until maybe they are less than the happy memories. Maybe you will have to undergo the same process to reach the point where you can face your ex without fear and/or pain? I don't know for sure, just thinking "aloud"... .

[willtimeheal]

Tomorrow I see her for the first time in months. I am filled with anxiety. I hate how I have allowed a person to make me feel this way. Learning curve and eyvindr thank you for your kind words. I know when I see her it will tell me a lot as far as how far I have come in my healing and how far I still nee  to go. It's the not knowing that hurts. If I knew she cared and thought of me then it would ease the pain and anxiety but I understand that that is something I will never know.

[eyvindr]

Good luck tomorrow, WTH. I think all of us can empathize with your anxiety.

Remember to take care of yourself, first. That may mean keeping your guard up tomorrow, as much as you'd like not to have to. Maintain your boundaries -- you've worked hard to establish them. Keep us posted.

And also remember -- your nickname here, "Will Time Heal?" -- yes. Yes, it will. Give yourself the time that you need.

Hang in there.

[willtimeheal]

Well I was blown out of the water today. Saw my ex for the first time in months at work today. She has a huge diamond on her finger. Wow. Never expected that. Last I knew she broke up with the dude now they are engaged. So in less than a week they got engaged. My heart sank and I don't know how I made it through the day but I did. I didn't cry once but I broke down as soon as I got to my car. My heart is just crushed.

[Learning_curve74]

WTH, you made it through the workday and through the hurt too. It's natural to feel heartbroken and to break down. It means you're human.

We're here for you whenever you need somebody to listen. Hang in there WTH.