newbie

[countrybumpkin]

Hello!

I am brand new but am here to learn all I can in hopes to be of help to my dear niece who is married to a BPD. She opens her heart to me and I have felt quite inadequate in helping her.A friend clued me in to this website and I'm sure there will be much information I can glean from here.Thank you for having me!

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi countrybumpkin and 

i'm glad you found your way to this lovely community! That's kind of you to want to help your niece with her marriage. How old is she? How long has she been married?

There is indeed much great information to be found here. I love this video: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? And here's a good article about how to relate with the person with BPD in ways that will help: Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

Maybe you can invite your niece to join us. We have different boards for the different types of relationships, like couples, parents with a child with BPD, etc. And each of those has senior members who have lots of knowledge and experience to help us with particular problems we're working through, so it's very helpful.

Again, welcome! Let me know what you think of the links when you have a chance to look at them.

[countrybumpkin]

thank you for your kind remarks DreamFlyer99.To answer your questions... my niece is 26 yrs old,married just under 5 years,and has three little ones.

She does not have computer access,or I would certainly introduce her to the available help she most certainly could find here.

Later on this evening,I'll be checking out the links you suggested.

Have a great evening!

[DreamFlyer99]

Aww--that's too bad she has no computer access, but i'm sure you'll pass the info along.

[countrybumpkin]

 yes,I most def will be passing on the info.My niece has shared many things with me.Her husband is a narcissistic,very controlling,degrading individual.

He has done much damage in that he's devalued her so often that she really has no self-esteem left.

My whole goal for coming here is to find some answers,so I can help her re-gain her own strength.Quite frankly,I know it's there,it's just been trampled on so much by him that she no longer trusts in herself.

They have 3 beautiful children.She has confided in me,at times she feels 'daddy' is trying to get the kids on his side.I've actually seen and heard this myself,just by observing.Of course he doesn't know that I know what I know.

I'm still trying to find my way around in here.there is so much good information and I'm grateful to have found the site.

[DreamFlyer99]

I just saw this information on the relationship between BPD and Narcissism. If your niece's husband has narcissistic traits  that is pretty hard on the people in their lives since they are the ones who are always right, right? My mother had some NPD traits and some BPD traits, and I had a really hard time accepting that my own thoughts and decisions were valid, so if that's happening with your niece I can understand where she is knocked down at the moment in her self-view. What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

Is he at all physically violent or is it more of the emotional/mental type of abuse? If she's at all worried about her safety (or you are) then it's best for her to have a plan in case she needs to get away with the kids for a bit. Are you nearby?

[countrybumpkin]

 at this point I'm not aware that he's physically violent... . yet.I know that sounds negative,but I'm noticing so many traits that I wouldn't all all be surprised if it escalated to that.

The mental/emotional 'rape' is what's wearing on her the most.She CANNOT do anything well enough for him.Yes,I am fairly close and she knows she can call me at any given time.

They're in an extremely,conservative,fundamentalist culture/church,therefore she's 'upholding' the beliefs that as a devout Christian woman it's 'her duty' to stay with him.I am slowly trying to help her see otherwise.Really not sure how far I'll get... . she does advise me repeatedly to make sure nothing gets back to him,or her life will be even more difficult.He's a Bible thumper who in a twisted way tries to validate his way of thinking by throwing scripture at her.

My observations are showing me he's trying to get the kids against her as well.

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh dear! I know the type. I'm a Christian, and I've seen how people can twist what Jesus was truly after into a weapon for their own use. It's really sad, and I can only imagine how hard it is for her.

I'm sure she knows the Bible says we are to "love others as ourselves"? We are the only ones who can really work for our own mental health, and it took me a long time to understand that God wanted me to see myself in the same light as He does. I've had to learn to take care of myself, since I have nothing to give anyone else if i'm worn down to nothing emotionally and mentally and physically. That verse most of us have heard over and over backs up our need to care for our own health in all ways.

Does she have anyone in the medical and/or mental health field she can talk to honestly? It sounds like she needs someone like that in her life.

[countrybumpkin]

Thank you for your response Dreamflyer99.You made a great point re: taking care of oneself.That's been my goal--to help her see,in spite of what's going on,that she really is stronger than she thinks she is.

I believe at this stage she's been beat down to where she doubts her own strength.

Something I have noticed lately is her detachment with her children.She's a good mother and takes care of their basic everyday needs,but more and more I'm seeing a decline with showing affection,nurturing etc.

To answer your question about whether she has a professional to talk to--yes,I am a nurse by profession and give her continued support... . as much as she wants,that is.I can feel her at times withdrawing and that's where I give her space.

[DreamFlyer99]

I just wonder though if it would help her to talk to someone outside the family who could perhaps help her see what is going on in her life, how this is all affecting her and then her children... . Are there shelters in the area who might offer counseling for women? They would keep her privacy. Maybe you could look that up for her? Unfortunately your help can only take her so far, she's going to need to see that she's in need of help and then choose to work through what she needs to do for her own health and that of her children. She may feel so safe sharing only with you that she's not pursuing her own mental/emotional health, yunno? She needs to become her own hero in a way, realizing she is worth so much before God and that He wants the best for her.   It's a tough situation, and when you're watching it happen you can feel so helpless... .