The good fortune of closure, followed by caution

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

This is the longest I have gone without logging on.  I have been very busy following a lot of the advice obtained by this web-site.  I can the floor in my garage, grew a garden for the first time in my life and played my 1000th hockey game. I also visited my sister, whom I had not seen in a few years, and dated a little.  Ironically, I even stayd away from this great place for a little while, as I moved away from obsessing about my exBPDgf.

I have been fortunate in that she made the effort to contact me one last time before she moved away to apologize for hurting me so badly and for moving on so impulsively fast.  She also even noted that this has been her pattern and she realizes that moving so quickly may turn out to be mistake.  It is worth noting that she was sincere, even as it was also clear that she has a problem and we... . she and I... . are the victims of it.  I did not expect this kind of closure or the apology, and even realise that there is an element of her hedging her bets a little bit here.  she does not want me to hate her etc. and probably wants me on the back burner a bit.  Thanks to you all and my T I get that.

There is another element in this that i wanted to share, and it is something that I would not have felt, I think, had I not found this site.  I forgive her.

That does not mean that I want her back, or that I am not relieved to see her go.  I am better off and happy not to be in such agony as I was.  But coming to grips with her illness, and understanding that the fear and pain associated with it, I have been able to direct my unrequited love to forgive her and hope she does well.  There was and is no place else to go.  She is a human being whom I loved deeply and who takes with her many things that I love.  I also accept that that her instability and anger issues make her, more or less, unfit for any equal relationship until she deals with her BPD.

My eyes are wide open, and I am sure I will still have some bad days.  I will also have to fight my own battles should she reach out one day, and I will have to stay away from her, if she does.

I realize how lucky I am to have this degree of closure.  I am also lucky that she has now moved far away.  I have my life back.  That life includes staying in T and continuing to understand my role in this failed relationship and why I stayed etc.  I will also continue to visit here and use it to stay strong, and maybe help my fellows.

I move cautiously forward.  As I do, I want to thank the managers of this site and those who post here for helping me get this far,  I never thought I would see the day.

[Hurtbad]

Hello all,

This is the longest I have gone without logging on.  I have been very busy following a lot of the advice obtained by this web-site.  I can the floor in my garage, grew a garden for the first time in my life and played my 1000th hockey game. I also visited my sister, whom I had not seen in a few years, and dated a little.  Ironically, I even stayd away from this great place for a little while, as I moved away from obsessing about my exBPDgf.

I have been fortunate in that she made the effort to contact me one last time before she moved away to apologize for hurting me so badly and for moving on so impulsively fast.  She also even noted that this has been her pattern and she realizes that moving so quickly may turn out to be mistake.  It is worth noting that she was sincere, even as it was also clear that she has a problem and we... . she and I... . are the victims of it.  I did not expect this kind of closure or the apology, and even realise that there is an element of her hedging her bets a little bit here.  she does not want me to hate her etc. and probably wants me on the back burner a bit.  Thanks to you all and my T I get that.

There is another element in this that i wanted to share, and it is something that I would not have felt, I think, had I not found this site.  I forgive her.

That does not mean that I want her back, or that I am not relieved to see her go.  I am better off and happy not to be in such agony as I was.  But coming to grips with her illness, and understanding that the fear and pain associated with it, I have been able to direct my unrequited love to forgive her and hope she does well.  There was and is no place else to go.  She is a human being whom I loved deeply and who takes with her many things that I love.  I also accept that that her instability and anger issues make her, more or less, unfit for any equal relationship until she deals with her BPD.

My eyes are wide open, and I am sure I will still have some bad days.  I will also have to fight my own battles should she reach out one day, and I will have to stay away from her, if she does.

I realize how lucky I am to have this degree of closure.  I am also lucky that she has now moved far away.  I have my life back.  That life includes staying in T and continuing to understand my role in this failed relationship and why I stayed etc.  I will also continue to visit here and use it to stay strong, and maybe help my fellows.

I move cautiously forward.  As I do, I want to thank the managers of this site and those who post here for helping me get this far,  I never thought I would see the day.

[Clearmind]

Awesome HB  - very happy for you and its so good to hear you have come to a point of acceptance about all this. Getting this stage is more testament to you and your resolve and courage staying in T.

[Aussie0zborn]

What a great outcome. Thanks for sharing.

[Learning_curve74]

But coming to grips with her illness, and understanding that the fear and pain associated with it, I have been able to direct my unrequited love to forgive her and hope she does well.  There was and is no place else to go.  She is a human being whom I loved deeply and who takes with her many things that I love.

Hb, that is so very touching. Very happy for you. 

[heartandwhole]

Hurtbad,

What a great post.  I'm happy that you have your life back and got some closure.  It's a new day and things are looking up for you.

Thank you for sharing with us. 

[Cmjo]

What depth and wisdom come through your words. You are very lucky to feel you have closure and that you are able to forgive.