Do outsiders buy into the painting black?

[Morrison11]

Just curious as to what your experiences have been with outsiders who are familiar with your relationship, ie friends, family, co-workers, once your BPDx starts painting you black?  Do those closest to you who are familiar with the relationship buy into it?  Do they believe all the black that is being painted onto you?

I ask because in the breakups with my BPDxgf, she painted me black in a matter of seconds, but to me it seemed illogical that anyone could believe what she was saying.  I mean, how could people believe that I was this horrible, selfish, controlling, and manipulative piece of garbage, when they saw how I treated her like gold, and how I was always concerned with her level of comfort and happiness at all times?  People closest to us saw how incredibly happy we were together.  In fact, two weeks before our first breakup, we had spent a week on vacation with my parents, and my parents made a point to tell me how wonderfully we fit together and how content we seemed. (and we were).  But just two weeks later, she walked out, screaming that I wasn't meeting her needs and that she wasn't happy anymore, and hadn't been happy for months.  It makes no sense to anyone when I tell them that was her original reason for our first breakup.

Also, for me, if I was on the outside looking in, my question to my BPDxgf would be "If the relationship was so awful, why were you living together and spending every free moment with each other?"  It doesn't make sense to me.

Obviously my friends and family don't buy into her irrational statements about me, but I hate thinking that the very few relationships she has in her life, are buying into me looking like such a jerk.  She only has maybe three friends to bash me to, and a really strained relationship with her Mother.  For me, I'd rather see these people steer her in the right direction, possibly questioning her black vision of me, and helping her re-evaluate her thinking pattern and overall health.  I want her to get the help she needs, and get back into DBT.  It scares me to think that the few people who do have relationships with her, may be feeding into her manipulation of my character.  I know that everyone needs support during a breakup, but I also know that my family and friends would call me out if I was being irrational or contradicting myself.

[bpdspell]

Just curious as to what your experiences have been with outsiders who are familiar with your relationship, ie friends, family, co-workers, once your BPDx starts painting you black?  :)o those closest to you who are familiar with the relationship buy into it?  :)o they believe all the black that is being painted onto you?

Smear campaigns by people we were once intimate with and trusted are pretty hurtful. When my ex dragged my name through the mud to damn near every guy & gal in our neighborhood willing to listen I felt intense shame. I didn't think that someone I once trusted would go that far in getting the last parting shot. I was devastated at the amount of vitriol and lies he painted to absolve himself from the truth.

So... . did some people believe my ex's lies? Sure. Some people like gossip and love to eat negativity for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But it all boils down to this. You cannot control your ex's actions, the words that come out of her disordered mouth, or the people who believe her.  What matters most in this delicate time is not putting yourself in a defensive position trying to disprove her lies. Silence is your trump card here and it's golden. All that matters is that you know the truth and that you know who you are. Let time be the judge. The truth has a way of always coming to the surface.

I was good to my BPDexbf. I treated him like a King and did my damnedest to fulfill his bottomless pit of entitlement. The lies he told after the breakup really stung but I held on to my truth. Those who believed him weren't my friends anyway. At some point you have to surrender the desire to be validated by the thoughts of others who really could care less about you.

The people who love and know you will always have your back.

It hurts to be embarrassed but the shame really lies with the person who's doing all the lie telling: our exs.

For me, I'd rather see these people steer her in the right direction, possibly questioning her black vision of me, and helping her re-evaluate her thinking pattern and overall health.

The chances of that happening borders on our wishful thinking. Is is not the job of others to defend our goodness. It would be nice but more than likely her family and friends have been down this road with her before.

I want her to get the help she needs, and get back into DBT.  It scares me to think that the few people who do have relationships with her, may be feeding into her manipulation of my character.

You may want her to get help but does she? That's the thing. The desire to change lives with them.  If her friends are feeding into her lies then that's on them so you really shouldn't care about what other people are believing about you. Take your power back and let her friends believe her lies.

I know that everyone needs support during a breakup, but I also know that my family and friends would call me out if I was being irrational or contradicting myself.

Your family and friends are YOURS.  We tend to apply "shoulds" to situations are aren't one and the same.  Your family and her family are two entirely different lanes.



Spell

[Moonie75]

i had it bad as others have when it comes to being demonized & it hurt like hell too.

But I did hear of one guy that listened to my ex blacken me to the hilt & when she'd finished her speech he said this... . "Either you were with him for four years because he wasn't as bad as you say, or you're dumber than dumb taking four years to work out he is that bad. You don't seem dumb to me!"

I was so pleased to hear a neighbor had said that in my defense, and we're not even friends. I'd shake his hand in gratitude all the same!

[charred]

My exBPDgf's friends and family sure bought whatever she had to say. She would paint me black, then miss me, recycle... . and I would face horrible reactions from her friends. We were supposed to go to a lake with her friends, and they backed out... . saying they wouldn't go with someone that had done the things I did (I did nothing but treat her nice when she was a shrew.) Her folks looked at me like I was evil... but didn't say anything... thinking they had seen/heard it all before but were not sure if they should believe her or not. Had my NPD father do the same kind of thing... it sucks. I don't have the pwBPD or pwNPD in my life anymore.

[willtimeheal]

My friends saw her for who she truly was and is. They kept their mouths shut when we were together but after the break up they had lots  to say. They were concerned about how I was  treated how I seemed unhappy all the time and how she took and took but never gave.

It was after I was painted black and she smeared me to all our friends (but they didn't buy it because they know me and they have been around us enough to know better) that I realized people always see your true character at some point. So sooner or later your character will reveal itself and people see it and people know the type of person you are. I never worried when she would spread  lies about me because I knew the people she was telling knew me as a person. Plus she doesn't have any friends. They friends that were brought to the relationship were mine. The only people she hung out with were her family because they drank and smoked as much as she did. That was all she knew.  And I could careless what her family thought... . the ones I did respect knew my character and deep down they knew hers as well. So deep down they knew the truth.

[aloha1983]

Oh yeah I got painted black so bad. A year and a half later, his friends were threatening to cause trouble for me if I went to a mutual friend's wedding. I decided not to go, because I don't want to buy into all their crap. But the bride and groom see it for how it is, which is a relief.

[Morrison11]

Typically, I would never mind if someone wanted to judge my character based on lies.  The only reason I cared about her Mother or few friends believing what she had to say about me not "meeting her needs" or being manipulative, controlling, etc., is because I knew I would be recycled (which I was), and that these people would look at me differently.  I gave her the world, and I fed her emotional needs constantly.  I know I should never have to defend my character for one minute, but I guess it just pains me to know that somebody out there thinks I treated her so dreadfully, when I pride myself on how wonderful I was to her.

My family keeps telling me that her Mother and friends probably see right through her, since this is a constant pattern associated with her BPD.  They have probably experienced her doing the same exact thing with her ex from before me.  That mindset is helpful, I guess.  I just hate thinking anyone could believe such terrible things about me, when all I've ever been is honest, faithful, and genuine.