I guess my question is, what do you guys think are the chances she follows through and doesn't sleep with anyone on this trip? If I am truly what she wants, the only one she wants, as she said, how do i interpret that through BPD eyes? She's done this before, where I state a need or boundary and she gets upset about it, and later comes back and declares it as her own and follows through. She's even told me about that. She said she likes to come up with things on her own, rather than me ask for them.
My hope of all hopes (not likely) is that she'll come back and say, I didnt sleep with any other men because I love you and I really do want another chance.
Is that completely insane to me to think of someone with BPD would be able to have that thought process?
I don't think anyone is an idiot for harboring hope... .
Usually our love is real, at least to some degree, and love does always hope... .
What I do think however is that you have to be realistic when it comes to one thing. And that is the fact that she has borderline personality disorder. And as the name suggests it is a disorder that affects the personality, that is it to a large degree defines her personality. She is also not undergoing any treatment and she has a developed and serious drug addiction which complicates things further since that affects her mind too... .
What this means is that even if she truly loves you and wants to be with you, your love for her is still not a cure, even if perhaps both of you wants and hopes it to be... . We cannot love the disorder out of our BPD loved ones. And that is a fact... .
Knowing that means you if you are going to be her partner is going to have to find in you radical acceptance of her disorder and with that comes also the dysregulation, the perhaps rage or silent treatments, the break up make up cycles the occasional lying, perhaps flirting and/or cheating with other men and the drug abuse... .
People with BPD are not all the same, there are differences in severity of the disorder, differences in learned coping strategies, surviving strategies and differences in how and what they use to flea from pain or find ways to soothe themselves, since they do have difficulties in self soothing the way people without the disorder does... .
But whatever strategies or behavioral patterns they use, breaking such patterns without seriously working with therapy and treatment is extremely hard... .
I mean most people have a hard time even keeping a diet or quitting smoking. So imagine how hard it must be for a person with a personality disorder to break a habit that to them has been the only ways they know how to deal with all the turmoil going on in their minds... .
Sustaining feelings and keeping a stable mood is extremely difficult for all of them and that makes long term relationships a challenge always for both parties... .
I am not saying it can't work, there are many examples on this board where it does! But I can say one thing and that is even for the couples that do find ways to make it work it is hard for the non partner, and means for them having to finds peace in making a lot of sacrifices and compromise at least some of the things they may have initially wished for in a relationship.
The term radical acceptance means you can not really go into the relationship with the expectation of your partner to change... . But find a way for you to be able to stay healthy and sane in a relationship that won't follow normal perceptions of what a relationship should be... .
The most important thing for you to ask yourself at this time is what you really want a relationship to be about in order for it to be something you can thrive in and feel good about? And if you can love her fully for who she is, and not just for who you want her to be, or when she is acting in a to you "normal" way... . ?
If this connection that you feel you have can make up for the (negative) things that also come with her disorder?
Sometimes we also have to ask ourselves, (I know I did), what it is in us that makes us drawn more to connection and or passion as opposed to trust, commitment, balance and safety in a relationship? The problem lies not always solely in them and/or in their disorder. But lies sometimes also in us, if we have a pattern of choosing partners who create more chaos than peace in our lives... .
It seems to me that trust is important to you and that cheating is something you would have a hard time with accepting as a part of a relationship... ? Realistically the chances of her completely stopping that behavior by herself and just because she wants to be with you are very slim... . Those behaviors seem from what you write to be an ingrained part of her coping strategies stemming from her disorder. And for her to just quit that will be extremely hard for her... . Without any form of treatment, I'd say nearly impossible... . And even if that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it would still be hard for you to accept such behavior, is it not?
Did you look at the link on healthy relationships I posted in your other thread? It contains a sort of quiz too, that you can use to check up on what things are important to you in a r/s... . It might be of some help sorting that out?
The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships Best Wishes
Scout99
