STBX BPD wife cutting me out of kid's birthday... should I add this to settlement

[calidad]

My STBX has borderline and narcissist personality disorders. She is high functioning as far as that goes but has all of the symptoms and was diagnosed by my therapist. WE're in Los Angeles.

We are planning a birthday party together. She asked me to move the date twice which I did without blinking. Then I asked her to make it a specific time and consider a different location so I could take my kids to another event they want to go to that same day -- and she ignored me, notifying me of her decision by sending me an invitation to the party with the time and location of her choosing.

She has cut me out of all planning and refuses to discuss a budget. She has ignored my requests to add people the invitation list and to help with any of the planning.

Do you have any advice on how to resolve this in the future? Should I define "cooperation" in the settlement agreement and lay out the different scenarios in which we agree to cooperate for the kids sake? She does the same thing with school events. Or should we just set it so we alternate birthday years and we don't share expenses or planning and that way there is never a conflict.

Thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

Cooperation will be hit or miss, mostly miss, unless you're agreeable to what she wants.  You got it right, that's NOT cooperation.

Frankly, having joint events is an open invitation for problems.  Whether you are hosting or she is hosting, she would have no compunction against sabotaging you in a variety of ways.

I'd recommend just following the standard holiday/events schedule.  There's just too much risk of conflict.  If you're hosting, she could subtly and not so subtly sabotage the event.  If she's hosting she could purposely make every part of the event difficult for you.  While it sounds bad that you miss every other event, courts have come to accept over the decades that alternating years, just like alternating weekends, is the best way to handle split parenting long term.  And that's for presumably normal parents post-divorce.  When acting out PDs are involved, it has a proven track record overall.  Don't fret, you can have your event later on your own undisturbed parenting time at a time totally of your choosing - and ex can do the same on the years she doesn't host the event on the official date.  And guess what... . the kids will have two parties so it may not be that much of a downside for them.   If you two were together at all future events such as this there would be heightened tension and frustrations at the least and possibly worse.

Do you already have a court ordered schedule outlining holidays and major events such as birthdays?  Then simply respond that since you two were not able to come to agreement and/or she made unilateral decisions then you'll go forward with what is written in the current order.  T

However, if there is no order yet and since she apparently (by entitlement or possession) will have the child or children this year, then inform her in writing that next year you will be the one handling the birthday plans and you will ask the court to continue alternating between parents in future years matching that pattern (in case the court's standard schedule would have you missing the event two years in a row.

If there is an order and she refuses to abide by its terms then after she has violated the order you can have your attorney file for Contempt of Court (CC).  Then it gets a bit complicated, sorry if I'm too wordy.  My lawyer said courts expect some level of discord and conflict during a divorce, they realize the emotions are a bit raw, so they pay less attention, have more patience and give weaker consequences during the divorce process than to ones filed after the final decree.  What my lawyer did in my case was to file the CC motions and then when the case was heard in court the lawyers agreed to leave it open.  It was a calculated gamble by both lawyers.  My ex's lawyer hoped there would be an eventual settlement in which case those pending CC motions would just be dismissed.  My lawyer knew that if he pushed for an immediate decision then the judge would rule but the matter could not be used in a trial since the matter had been ruled upon and it was considered 'resolved'.  If they were left pending then they could be used against my ex in the trial.  That's how my state works.

Your court orders... . No matter how well you write your future orders, there will still be conflict, however a well written order will anticipate common problems and address them in the order and thus keep conflict to a minimum and ensure it doesn't get too far out of hand.  There are many threads here about what to put into an order.  Read them, get familiar with WHY those items need to be in the order.  Everyone's disordered ex is different but there are many patterns of behavior that they share.  Learn from what we suffered and discovered the hard way.

You can expect no better from her in the future than how she is acting now.  The best way to foresee the future is to examine the past.  The best predictor of the future is the past.  You know the sayings, they apply here.  Therefore, give up all hope or expectation that you two can agree, cooperate or work together on most or all matters.  That way, when the things happen that do work out you'll be happily surprised.  But don't let those nice incidents fool you, she is still disordered and will still surely try to sabotage you whenever her emotions and distorted perceptions are in high gear.

[calidad]

This is really great advice. Thanks so much. No, we don't have an order yet as we're still negotiating but this underscores that I need to add Birthdays to the holiday schedule. I like the idea of alternating. In fact, it's fine if she shows up as a guest in my years -- it's the planning that causes the conflict for us, not being together.  I offered to pay for 1/2 of the party if she would just agree to a budget. Instead, she asked me to make a set contribution and will way over spend out of her own pocket (as always) rather than cooperate.

Anyway, thanks again for the feedback and for listening.

[DavidWebb]

Hi Calidad,

What maybe OK (x coming to bday you host) today, could possibly be used or conflict in the future.  My x attempted to use kids bays to ambush me by bringing boyfriends to Chuck E Cheese.

Separate but equal is appropriate with divorce from a high conflict person.  I have separate, smaller scale, bday parties inviting my family and kids of my friends.  I don't attend nor participate in planning of the 'friends' party with x.  Even 'once in a lifetime' events like First Zcommunions or graduations are separate and we celebrate the weekend before or brunch before event... .

When my boys ask why I don't come, I tell them that they put up with  lot of crap living in two houses and two Christmases, double bdays, is  one advantage of having divorced parents they deserve.

[catnap]

Our Family Wizard www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/ is something to research a bit and to discuss with your attorney. 

No experience with OFW, but have heard a lot of good things about it. 

[ForeverDad]

No, we don't have an order yet as we're still negotiating but this underscores that I need to add Birthdays to the holiday schedule. I like the idea of alternating.

Alternating years is standard in many or most places.  Why you didn't know about it.  Haven't you viewed examples of parenting schedules provided by your county?  Probably it's best not to reinvent the wheel by trial and error, find out what are standard procedures and outcomes and then tweak them so they fit your particular circumstances and concerns.

As I already mentioned, in my county the children's birthdays are alternated between parents each year.  While it says the parents' birthdays are not observed, I've noticed some comments here that it's done in their counties.

[calidad]

Hi, so the birthday came and went. She decided to pay for the whole thing and cut me out. Everything was fine though. As a result, I have now asked to specify alternating birthdays in the judgement.

I proposed that on alternating years, we are each 100% responsible for the cost and planning of the party. The other parent can invite whoever they want. Seems the most reasonable and simple thing to do.

Her lawyer is advocating "Separate" parties every year. How is that supposed to work? They are in two separate classes. We each invite half the class to two parties? We invite both classes to both parties? Dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Any suggestions?

[Forward2free]

In my case, I do the class parties and BPD/Nxh does his own family party.

He has never asked to be involved with the class parties. Is that something that you see as a deal breaker?

The last joint party we had in 2009 for DS when he turned 2 was a disaster. BPD/Nxh turned up at the event in a hired animal suit and scared all the kids. It was at a play centre and he didn't have permission and other parties started to complain. It was his way of being the centre of attention and it was awful. He disappeared in the middle of the party and didn't come back. We waited to do the cake and ended up having to do it without him, which caused more problems when he finally got back. 

Since then, we've done our own thing. Different circumstances as he doesn't have shared time, but our new custody orders allow for each parent to spend a few hours with the birthday child on the day, regardless of who's time it is. As the kids get older, class parites get smaller and DD8 had only 5 friends this year for a sleepover and DS6 wants to take a small group of friends to the movies next year.

My kids actually see themselves as luckier to have extra parties!

There are so many orders to consider, is this one worth sweating over, or can it be an easier arrangement?

[Waddams]

I make a point of doing separate bday parties.  The less contact with my ex- the better.