Ouch

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Things have been okay with xBPD.  Limited but friendly contact.  I was out Friday night and ran into friends of his.  Texted him.  He didn't respond until the next morning when he asked that I don't contact him when I'm out.  He doesn't want to think of me flirting/dating.  I said okay... . I understand, I'd feel the same way.  So last night I get home about 1am and see a voicemail from him.  Apparently dialed me by mistake and I got to listen to several minutes of him taking and laughing with a woman.  Muffled, but yeah.  Killed me.  Sent him a very angry message.  Said I couldn't believe it wasn't intentional.  He called me first thing this morning. I knew i'd start crying... . didn't answer.  Responded later that I was sorry.  I'm sure it wasn't intentional.  Hearing the live audio... . well I was responding from hurt feelings. 

I just cannot take this anymore.

[Emelie Emelie]

Things have been okay with xBPD.  Limited but friendly contact.  I was out Friday night and ran into friends of his.  Texted him.  He didn't respond until the next morning when he asked that I don't contact him when I'm out.  He doesn't want to think of me flirting/dating.  I said okay... . I understand, I'd feel the same way.  So last night I get home about 1am and see a voicemail from him.  Apparently dialed me by mistake and I got to listen to several minutes of him taking and laughing with a woman.  Muffled, but yeah.  Killed me.  Sent him a very angry message.  Said I couldn't believe it wasn't intentional.  He called me first thing this morning. I knew i'd start crying... . didn't answer.  Responded later that I was sorry.  I'm sure it wasn't intentional.  Hearing the live audio... . well I was responding from hurt feelings. 

I just cannot take this anymore.

[struggli]

So why not eliminate all contact?

[aloha1983]

No contact is the only way to go. Otherwise they will keep finding ways to hurt you. Notice too that they always have a ridiculous standard for you to not hurt them; but then they go and do the same thing to you.

For example, if I went surfing with a group of guys and girls my ex would flip, but it was fine for him to go and stay *overnight* at his ex's (!)

It's not fair and it's not rational. Get away as fast as you can!

[Emelie Emelie]

I know.  I'm just not ready to completely let go.  But this might just put me over the edge.  God did that hurt.  Now I'm a mess again tonight.

[papawapa]

Don't fool yourself Em. What he did was intentional. He set the boundary knowing you would respect it. He busted the boundary to see how you would react. Your reaction was exactly what he was looking for. First you were angry. Then you apologized. He is feeding off being able to control you like a marionette.

I have been following your struggles on here since you began posting. Just like you I have struggled with going NC. I know how hard it is. How we yearn for validation from them. It became clear to me during the last round of contact with my ex that all it was doing was causing me to hurt. When you reach the point that you are tired of him causing you pain then you will be able to go NC for good.

It has been three months since my twelve year relationship ended. I feel I am finally over the hump of the worst of the suffering. Hang in there. I promise, it gets better.

[Suzn]

Don't fool yourself Em. What he did was intentional.

Whoa there. We don't know this. There is no possible way we could know this for certain.

I'm sorry you're hurting Emelie.    It sounds as though you're not ready to cut all contact and that's OK. We will support your choice. Controlled contact has been shown to be the best way to detach. For you and for him.

I have one question and it's just to point out the fact that anything is possible here... . does he have a sister? Even if he doesn't jumping to conclusions and assuming can be very painful when it's possible there may not be a reason to be hurt. I could be very wrong but my point is we don't have the facts.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Suzn. I don't believe it was intentional.  He wouldn't be cruel like that.  He does have a sister but it wasn't that kind of conversation... . it was definitely sort of flirty.  I did feel like he was taking to someone he knew though because of a couple of things he brought up.  I'm sure he's mad because in the heat of the moment last night I accused him of it being intentional and then I didn't take his call this morning.  But I did tell him how much it hurt and I think if there were an explanation like that he would have responded and told me.  He's "mad" and ignoring me.  And maybe after him telling me the night before how he didn't want to think about me flirting/dating he felt like an ass.  I don't know.  But it's always about taking care of his feelings.  He doesn't want to deal with mine.  That was an overriding theme in our rs.  Still I am not ready to break all contact with him.  I'm just not there yet.  The sad thing (yet one more sad thing) is that we really sort of got to an okay place.  We were communicating as friends and I did feel better.  Now I feel completely awful again.  God this hurts.  I want to stop hurting.

[Ittookthislong]

ummmm, I have a tendency to be a critic, skeptical, but you shouldn't feel sorry or say sorry to him. Ive read a lot of your posts and It seems that our exes were similar.

Don't be so sure it was a mistake.

Thing is What are the chances of him accidentally dialing your phone while being with another woman, right after mentioning he didn't like knowing you were out at a bar. that's like 1 in a million. These things don't happen. Butt dialing someone is rare, and when it does occur, its usually while your in line at the post office or at a stoplight. Im sorry I don't think you should be so quick to blame yourself here. this guy sounds like a first class manipulator.

I don't mean to instigate, others may disagree with me and believe your accepting responsibility for being angry after such an incident is "looking into your own issues"... . but I know from similar stories that my ex was one who liked to screw with my mind a bit to see me react and know I was still emotionally entangled. These little tactics got me insecure, under his thumb, helplessly in love, and worst of all APOLAGIZING FOR CRUEL THINGS HE DID TO ME.

Be careful, that's just my perspective though but I hate to see another hard on herself for/ and after suffering a broken heart at the hands of another. you have nothing to be sorry for with this wanker.

[Ironmanrises]

Emelie,

I am really sorry that you experienced that.

I can imagine how hurtful that was.

NC is only thing you can do to protect yourself.

Otherwise, any and/or all information you come across of your ex will only result in you being hurt.

My NC was broken by her... .  and by me giving in to her re-engagement.

Outcome... . she left again.

Amount of pain she inflicted second time around... . far greater then first time.

I am still reeling from the consequences of that day I let her back in.

[Ittookthislong]

PS- these kinds of guys are great at appearing like they are being sweet and noble while watching you flounder around insecure, hoping, wishing and feeling like its your fault. Its not. I bet your a person who would go out of your way not to make someone feel bad. this person isn't. I remember another post you mentioned him texting you solg lyrics that got your hopes up, and he responded with something that kind of made you feel foolish like "uhhh no those were lyrics to a song" ---parpaphrasing- but thing is if this guy cared about you feeling good and moving on he wouldn't tease you this way.

Im sorry if Im being too opinionated- since I don't know the details or you or him, but these things just remind me of the little crazy making tactics my ex used to keep me hooked, thinking there was a chance, and him getting off on telling me to jump and me responding "how high". I said sorry to him SO much and then at some point after talking to him when I was out of the fog, all these little things were clear as day and I was faced with so much anger.

you at least should know this person is obviously showing that he has interest in keeping you hooked, even if he refuses a relationship, or makes you feel "less than good enough. That being said. If you do your best to not allow him to see that he has his hooks into you, stop contact, disappear, it will definitely get under his skin, fight your urges and resist temptation to show him that these little manipulative behaviors are working in the least.

[Take2]

He set the boundary knowing you would respect it. He busted the boundary to see how you would react. Your reaction was exactly what he was looking for. First you were angry. Then you apologized. He is feeding off being able to control you like a marionette.

I have actually described myself as feeling like a puppet multiple times because my ex's manipulation of me is so good I have often found myself reacting exactly as he has wanted me to and found myself apologizing for the things he had actually done but was accusing me of doing. 

I don't know your story Em, but I do know so well how hard it is to go NC... .    and I do know how similar this all sounds... .   you will do it when you are ready, but consider that as much as you don't think what he did was intentional, pay attention to the manipulation going on...   of course he's "mad" at you now... . because he hurt you and he can't deal with that, he can't accept responsibility for his own actions and he will make you feel responsible for it... . but remember, only you are in control of your own emotions, your own thoughts and your own feelings... . don't be his puppet... .

[Clearmind]

I know.  I'm just not ready to completely let go.  But this might just put me over the edge.  God did that hurt.  Now I'm a mess again tonight.

Unfortunately if we are not ready to let go we need to process the contact.

I'm sure it hurt - having contact will ensure you hear about stuff like this - is that what you want?

Can I ask what is the hook right now and why you can't let go?

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Papa and Take2.  :)on't want to be his puppet.   :'(  But he does definitely keep me hooked.  He was very clear he doesn't want the relationship with me.  All good at being friends.  But he gets very upset at the thought of me with other guys.  Truth is I have gone out with another guy a few times... . was actually out with him last night.  And I was feeling guilty about it because I know how much it would hurt him (who dumped me).  I'm getting tired of taking care of his feelings all the time when he obviously has little regard for mine.  The new guy appears very interested in a relationship.  Seems like a very good guy.  I do like him.  I also feel guilty about dating him when I'm still so hung up on BPD.  I'm taking it slow but I am going to try very hard to detach from BPD and see where this new rs goes.  Intentionally or not BPD has caused me an incredible amount of pain.  Which he is well aware of.  Has told me several times I should be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.  It's time for me to take him up on that.  I am also well aware when he starts seeing someone he won't give a damn what I'm doing or who I'm seeing.  I'm not going to hurt him by telling him about it.  But I'm going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it.

[blurry]

Its that passive agressive thing they do, clear cut emotional abuse. A few times mine has told me she hates me, never wants to see or talk to me again, wish me luck and ask me not to text her, then a few hours later ill get a text from her along the lines of " so what time are we meeting?"... . ill respond with a " huh" and then she'll inform me " oops, that was meant for someone else"... . real nice treatment from someone who's supposed to love you.

[Emelie Emelie]

Clearmind that's a good question.  I'm still in love with him.  That's a big hook    But I suppose it's the push/pull.  The mixed messages.  He's also made me very aware that he's hurting.  That he still loves me and misses me despite the fact that he's "protecting his heart" by ending this rs.  I shouldn't let any of this hook me in.  I know that.  I also know he's very selfish when it comes to what he needs.  It's always about what he needs.  And I think he needs to keep me on a string somewhere out there until he's ready to let go.  Which will be when he finds someone else.  In which case he'll completely disappear and I know what that will feel like.  But I do have this need to take care of his feelings.  My T has brought this up to me several times when we've discussed various things that have happened since the breakup.  He's pointed out I don't need to let him make me feel bad anymore and I don't have to take care of his feelings anymore.  Trying to move that from an intellectual understanding to an emotional understanding.  I did tell him via text how much it hurt to listen to that conversation.  If it had been the other way I around I would have felt terrible and given him an explanation and apologized.  He hasn't even responded to that.  It is amazing isn't it?  He breaks up with me and then constantly criticizes my behavior because it's hurtful to him.  I want to tell him he doesn't know the meaning of the word.  I've been a complete mess for two months.  I know the way to go no contact and get my power back is to tell him I'm seeing someone else.  Let him hurt for a change.  I know I won't do that.  I don't want to hurt deliberately hurt him.  This is all just so emotionally exhausting.  I am trying to detach and take care of myself.  I know that's what I need to do.  I don't like feeling or acting like a victim.  I don't like wallowing in the grief.  It's not who I want to be.

[Emelie Emelie]

Its that passive agressive thing they do, clear cut emotional abuse. A few times mine has told me she hates me, never wants to see or talk to me again, wish me luck and ask me not to text her, then a few hours later ill get a text from her along the lines of " so what time are we meeting?"... . ill respond with a " huh" and then she'll inform me " oops, that was meant for someone else"... . real nice treatment from someone who's supposed to love you.

I'm sorry Blurry.  That's awful.  I'd be crushed. 

[Clearmind]

Clearmind that's a good question.  I'm still in love with him.  That's a big hook    But I suppose it's the push/pull.  The mixed messages.  He's also made me very aware that he's hurting.  That he still loves me and misses me despite the fact that he's "protecting his heart" by ending this rs.  I shouldn't let any of this hook me in.  I know that.  I also know he's very selfish when it comes to what he needs.  It's always about what he needs.  And I think he needs to keep me on a string somewhere out there until he's ready to let go.  Which will be when he finds someone else.  In which case he'll completely disappear and I know what that will feel like.  But I do have this need to take care of his feelings.  

Dissect this message a little:

-   you love him

-   he’s hurting

-   he says he misses you

-   he’s selfish

-   all about him

-   you feel he’s stringing you along

BUT

-   I want to take care of him

Is this really what Love is?

My T has brought this up to me several times when we've discussed various things that have happened since the breakup.  He's pointed out I don't need to let him make me feel bad anymore and I don't have to take care of his feelings anymore.  Trying to move that from an intellectual understanding to an emotional understanding.  I did tell him via text how much it hurt to listen to that conversation.  

How is your T helping you detach? What do they suggest you do?

If it had been the other way I around I would have felt terrible and given him an explanation and apologized.  He hasn't even responded to that.  It is amazing isn't it?  He breaks up with me and then constantly criticizes my behavior because it's hurtful to him.  I want to tell him he doesn't know the meaning of the word.  I've been a complete mess for two months.  I know the way to go no contact and get my power back is to tell him I'm seeing someone else.  Let him hurt for a change.  I know I won't do that.  I don't want to hurt deliberately hurt him.  

While you are holding on to him – you are hurting you. You are self sacrificing for a man who shows little or no interest in a long-term relationship. I don’t say this to hurt you – I say this because he is mentally ill and because it’s not about you.

This is all just so emotionally exhausting.  I am trying to detach and take care of myself.  I know that's what I need to do.  I don't like feeling or acting like a victim.  I don't like wallowing in the grief.  It's not who I want to be.

To not feel the way you do – you may need to start taking back some personal power – seems like you are giving him a lot of credit and giving him a lot of your energy – with absolutely nothing in return.

We need to change our perception of who they are – hanging on is hanging onto the fantasy of who we want them to be – not what they are.

______

THE hook – to not letting go can be – and it was for me – Shame! I was too ashamed to let him go, too ashamed to face my own issues, which I would force to do if I let him go. I didn’t want to stand on my own two feet because it hurt too much. Being caught up in the drama took the focus off me – Yay!  

We stick around because we feel it hurts more not to!

It will hurt until you are courageous enough to choose you over him.

[Emelie Emelie]

Clearmind you are right.  I stick around because I feel it hurts more not too.  While I'm still entangled with him I'm still "in" the relationship.  And every so often I get some feedback that he still cares to some extent so I don't, for a brief period of time, feel so abandoned.  I feel like i'm still important to him.  And when he's hurting I do feel the need to take care of him.  You've given me something to think about here. 

One thing I did discuss with my T:  When he told me about the BPD he said I need you to do your homework and see if you can deal with this.  If you can't it'll be much easier on me if you leave now.  So I did and I stayed.  As my T pointed out I felt like I made a promise or a commitment to deal with all these behaviors.  That I wouldn't leave him because of them.  But he left me.  So I need to realize I'm no longer obligated. 

And when I express any sort of hurt or negative feeling he gets angry and I end up apologizing for it.  It was the exact same dynamic in the relationship.  I've got some very solid reasons to feel hurt and angry.  And if I do choose to express any of those feelings to him in the future I am not going to apologize for it. I have every right to feel the way I do.  If it makes him feel like a bad person that's not my problem.  He'll find a way not to take responsibility for it anyway.

I do need to choose me over him. Thank you for putting it that way. 

[Clearmind]

It may seem you are delaying the abandonment fears however you are simply lengthening the inevitable – punishing yourself/self sabotage. We tend to take care of those that are well aware of how to take care of themselves – we just hang onto the hope that if we stick around they will see the light – and we will be right there to jump back in.

It’s completely up to you whether you maintain contact or not.  There may have been someone in your past, someone close to you that taught you to stick around despite what was dealt and to respect those people regardless – meaning – negate your needs completely for the sake of another. Maybe some healing to do back there EE – and it would help enormously if your T helped guide you there.

We feel obligated as long as we hang onto the faulty belief that they need us – and for as long as we hold onto the belief that they are helpless and we need them to make ourselves to feel valuable. You see, we need to fix to be of value – given you are not in a r/s at the moment with him – the value you once received is not there ---self worth suffers.

We apologize because we don’t want to loose them – its called walking on eggshells. You do have a right to express your emotions. Unfortunately he will take it as a personal assault and blame you. Without sounding insincere we do need to be accountable for choice – and how that impacts on our own emotions. We can be our own worse enemy.

______

Explore your fears with your T - hopefully then can help you dig a little deeper.

[Ittookthislong]

emelie- when I was breaking up with ex he was doing the distance thing, then I said to him one night "ive been talking to a friend for advice because im not dealing with this very well, and she says that you are clearly not interested and to just walk away and never look back" He got really upset, and said "NO" and proceeded to tell me that wasn't a good friend and she doesn't know what shes talking about.

I was so relieved, I took this as a sign he still cared. Months later I heard he had been seeing a girl, had no interest in dating me and made that clear behind my back, and yet when I brought it up that I needed to walk away and never look back, he was upset and wouldn't let me.

I know how you feel to want so badly to be back with him that you are trying so hard to look for the signs that he cares. The sad truth is, they may give you the signs you need to keep the dream alive, and yet know full well that they are moving forward. Your very vulnerable now, but little by littleit will come back, and you will be proud of how you are not letting him hook you. youll regain your self back. Hes not going to give you confidence back

[patientandclear]

It is amazing isn't it?  He breaks up with me and then constantly criticizes my behavior because it's hurtful to him.  I want to tell him he doesn't know the meaning of the word. I've been a complete mess for two months.  I know the way to go no contact and get my power back is to tell him I'm seeing someone else.  Let him hurt for a change.

Hey Em,

He is hurting.  It may help you to internalize that he broke up with you because he was sure you would hurt him.  He does know the meaning of the word.

Sure, it doesn't make any rational sense, but it is real to him.  He lost this important r/s to what you were (in his mind) going to do, every bit as much as you lost it because of what he did.  That's why you are both horribly, equally, sad.

My ex was so distraught after he ended our r/s.  There was so much projection, you'd have thought I left him.  In his mind, functionally, I did.  I was going to hurt him down the road so he had to end it to protect all of our hearts.

Do you see?  It is not that he is fine and he hurt you.  To him, you hurt him, or were going to hurt him, so he had to end it, even though it devastated him.

It's a disorder.  That is how it works.

[Learning_curve74]

Emelie, you are obviously struggling. Remember to take care of yourself first because who else is going to take care of you? Definitely not your ex.

One thing that every person can do is to avoid reading too much into another person's actions, to take things at face value and not necessarily assign anything extra such as motive. I'm not trying to be mean, but I would guess that both you and your BPDex probably do that. It's probably fairly common human behavior, but overthinking can get us in trouble. When you texted your ex that you were out and saw his friends, maybe he was reading into your text and thought you were rubbing it in that you were going out and having fun while he was feeling down. When you got the phone call where your ex was flirting with a female friend, you read into that thinking he was trying to make you jealous and feel bad. But both of you were overthinking it and reading too much into things. Both of you are already processing difficult feelings being in contact with each other, and then reading something negative into what you each say or do only adds an additional layer of bad feelings.

It's hard. If it were easy, nobody would be here talking about how hard it is. 

[Ittookthislong]

Emelie Emelie,

Id like to propose another way of looking at this situation. I would respectfully disagree with some of the reactions in this post for a few reasons. Of course I am just another fly on the wall but just from reading this I have a different perspective than others that may be helpful. I absolutely believe "personal inventory", but I believe there is a time and place. I see that a lot on this board we are encouraged to look at our role in the situation, but I do not believe that finding fault in your own patterns of thinking is helpful, right when the wounds are fresh, the hurt is real and palpable. You have your whole life to take personal inventory and realize how you are vulnerable to this kind of situation, but you should be able to stick up for yourself, not ignore red flags or make excuses (we don't know for certain that he did this intentionally). I am not suggesting you go on a blaming tirade but I don't believe you are wrong to see a persons actions as hurtful, possibly intentional, and that this persons actions are not good enough for you anymore.

Consider this: that there is a scale. at one end are the BPD's, NPD's, cluster B traits, which tend to take less responsibility for their actions. Actions that may be damaging. On the other end there are neurotic traits which are patterns of taking TOO MUCh responsibility or look to themselves for fault when things go wrong. People who exhibit patterns on opposite sides of the spectrum are naturally attracted and drawn to each other, why? because the one side usually agrees to take on more responsibility, even for things they are not responsible for while the other side agrees to these "terms and conditions" and naturally allows the other to take responsibility for their misdeeds. Thus a toxic relationship is born.

Put it this way, you apologized to him for being angry after you received this "unintentional" butt dial. If the roles were reversed could you see yourself apologizing then too? If you apologize for being angry, and would apologize for doing what he did, then this would show a pattern of holding yourself too responsible for anothers actions, and allowing others to be held less responsible for theirs. Perhaps taking personal inventory in this situation is to stop allowing yourself to allow others to do this while looking to yourself to see what your doing wrong etc. Im suggesting this, alternate perspective, because you are allowed to be angry, and to notice this kind of behavior for what it is. Your a human being and you deserve your reactions. I noticed in this blog several people indicating that this was obviously manipulative behavior on the part of your ex, validating your feelings and instincts, yet when you responded, you responded to the posts which suggested you were self sabotaging or that there was no way to know if his actions were intentional. It is almost as if you are more comfortable protecting the idea of him and denying the idea that you are perfectly justified in being hurt, angry, mistreated. You feel more comfortable making excuses for him or not standing up for yourself, and if that's true, you cant break that habit but gentle self reflection. Its usually the hardest to avoid old patterns, and possibly in your case it may be difficult to allow yourself to feel what you feel, put responsibility where it belongs and not blame yourself or criticize yourself for how you feel.

Everyone has their own reasons for being in this situation and Id suggest you take all advice critically(including mine), but others suggestions may hinder growth. What if for arguments sake, your lesson is too stick up for yourself, learn to not be victim to these situations by acknowledging poor treatment in others, and not blaming yourself for self sabotage. What if your growth lies in the lesson that you need to see manipulation for what it is and not deny it so you are able to tell the next guy who treats you poorly that this crap isn't good enough. Maybe you are meant to empower yourself, strengthen your defenses, protect yourself.  People may give you advice that helped in their own scenario but it may not be your issue. The road to self growth is usually not the easiest but the hardest to see your patterns and change them. Do not allow yourself to think the easiest advice to take is the right advice. What works for others might not work for youand could even possibly keep you in a bad pattern of placing blame on yourself other than placing it where it belongs.

Forgive my self riteous rant. I am struggling with this myself. Often times I will get advice telling me why I am not allowing myself to move forward, when really I need to figure out how to let myself accept that Im angry and Im allowed to be, and Im not going to suppress  because I am supposed to be angry for enduring a lifetime of bad treatment, and in effect, have done a disservice by taking too much personal inventory, or looking to why "I allow myself" to be affected. So this is just another perspective, something to consider. Everyone means well here on the boards, but its up to you to see what your issues are and how to get yourself more balanced. Anothers path,(or mine) might not be yours, but just make sure you don't blame yourself for your own reactions, suspiciousness, hurt, anger. these feelings are there for a reason, and ignoring them or protecting someone elses questionable motives is possibly revictimizing you, allowing you to train yourself to ignore abuse. Ill stop here. One thing I can agree on is that no contact works every time, no matter the issue. Take care of yourself.

[Emelie Emelie]

[/quote]
Hey Em,

He is hurting.  It may help you to internalize that he broke up with you because he was sure you would hurt him.  He does know the meaning of the word.

Sure, it doesn't make any rational sense, but it is real to him.  He lost this important r/s to what you were (in his mind) going to do, every bit as much as you lost it because of what he did.  That's why you are both horribly, equally, sad.

My ex was so distraught after he ended our r/s.  There was so much projection, you'd have thought I left him.  In his mind, functionally, I did.  I was going to hurt him down the road so he had to end it to protect all of our hearts.

Do you see?  It is not that he is fine and he hurt you.  To him, you hurt him, or were going to hurt him, so he had to end it, even though it devastated him.

It's a disorder.  That is how it works[/quote]
I know.  He told me as much.  But then again there was a lot of devaluing going on too.  But of course that's part of the disorder too. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Emelie Emelie,

Id like to propose another way of looking at this situation. I would respectfully disagree with some of the reactions in this post for a few reasons. Of course I am just another fly on the wall but just from reading this I have a different perspective than others that may be helpful. I absolutely believe "personal inventory", but I believe there is a time and place. I see that a lot on this board we are encouraged to look at our role in the situation, but I do not believe that finding fault in your own patterns of thinking is helpful, right when the wounds are fresh, the hurt is real and palpable. You have your whole life to take personal inventory and realize how you are vulnerable to this kind of situation, but you should be able to stick up for yourself, not ignore red flags or make excuses (we don't know for certain that he did this intentionally). I am not suggesting you go on a blaming tirade but I don't believe you are wrong to see a persons actions as hurtful, possibly intentional, and that this persons actions are not good enough for you anymore.

Consider this: that there is a scale. at one end are the BPD's, NPD's, cluster B traits, which tend to take less responsibility for their actions. Actions that may be damaging. On the other end there are neurotic traits which are patterns of taking TOO MUCh responsibility or look to themselves for fault when things go wrong. People who exhibit patterns on opposite sides of the spectrum are naturally attracted and drawn to each other, why? because the one side usually agrees to take on more responsibility, even for things they are not responsible for while the other side agrees to these "terms and conditions" and naturally allows the other to take responsibility for their misdeeds. Thus a toxic relationship is born.

Put it this way, you apologized to him for being angry after you received this "unintentional" butt dial. If the roles were reversed could you see yourself apologizing then too? If you apologize for being angry, and would apologize for doing what he did, then this would show a pattern of holding yourself too responsible for anothers actions, and allowing others to be held less responsible for theirs. Perhaps taking personal inventory in this situation is to stop allowing yourself to allow others to do this while looking to yourself to see what your doing wrong etc. Im suggesting this, alternate perspective, because you are allowed to be angry, and to notice this kind of behavior for what it is. Your a human being and you deserve your reactions. I noticed in this blog several people indicating that this was obviously manipulative behavior on the part of your ex, validating your feelings and instincts, yet when you responded, you responded to the posts which suggested you were self sabotaging or that there was no way to know if his actions were intentional. It is almost as if you are more comfortable protecting the idea of him and denying the idea that you are perfectly justified in being hurt, angry, mistreated. You feel more comfortable making excuses for him or not standing up for yourself, and if that's true, you cant break that habit but gentle self reflection. Its usually the hardest to avoid old patterns, and possibly in your case it may be difficult to allow yourself to feel what you feel, put responsibility where it belongs and not blame yourself or criticize yourself for how you feel.

Everyone has their own reasons for being in this situation and Id suggest you take all advice critically(including mine), but others suggestions may hinder growth. What if for arguments sake, your lesson is too stick up for yourself, learn to not be victim to these situations by acknowledging poor treatment in others, and not blaming yourself for self sabotage. What if your growth lies in the lesson that you need to see manipulation for what it is and not deny it so you are able to tell the next guy who treats you poorly that this crap isn't good enough. Maybe you are meant to empower yourself, strengthen your defenses, protect yourself.  People may give you advice that helped in their own scenario but it may not be your issue. The road to self growth is usually not the easiest but the hardest to see your patterns and change them. Do not allow yourself to think the easiest advice to take is the right advice. What works for others might not work for youand could even possibly keep you in a bad pattern of placing blame on yourself other than placing it where it belongs.

Forgive my self riteous rant. I am struggling with this myself. Often times I will get advice telling me why I am not allowing myself to move forward, when really I need to figure out how to let myself accept that Im angry and Im allowed to be, and Im not going to suppress  because I am supposed to be angry for enduring a lifetime of bad treatment, and in effect, have done a disservice by taking too much personal inventory, or looking to why "I allow myself" to be affected. So this is just another perspective, something to consider. Everyone means well here on the boards, but its up to you to see what your issues are and how to get yourself more balanced. Anothers path,(or mine) might not be yours, but just make sure you don't blame yourself for your own reactions, suspiciousness, hurt, anger. these feelings are there for a reason, and ignoring them or protecting someone elses questionable motives is possibly revictimizing you, allowing you to train yourself to ignore abuse. Ill stop here. One thing I can agree on is that no contact works every time, no matter the issue. Take care of yourself.

Excellent perspective - I am taking too much responsibility.  I haven't really thought about it like that before.  He was hurt about me texting him when I was out the night before.  And then someone else he knew texted and said I ran into your girlfriend... . she said ex-girlfriend.  He said how would you feel?  I said I'm sorry, it sounds like I'm diminishing our relationship which was very important to me as you are.  I felt AWFUL.  I did say ex-girlfriend.  And I do get how he felt.  If I had said we aren't dating anymore or something that would be different.  But I felt bad that he felt bad and once again I felt like I had to take care of it.  But when I told him how it hurt to overhear his conversation he didn't reply at all.  (He did call me but didn't respond to the later text.)  I was also thinking about when he's hurt about something he reacts... . and it's often over the top and mean.  When I react because I hurt about something I'm being "hitty".  Because he doesn't want to hear it.  If i do talk to him again... . and I don't know if I will... . I'll bet he'll say I was being "hitty" when I accused him of doing it deliberately.  I think I'll tell him what I just told you all.  I am tired of apologizing all the time.  I don't need to walk on egg shells anymore.  I don't need to listen to criticism of everything I do from him anymore.  Actually... . I was AWESOME to him.  I supported him in every way.  And I put up with crap I would NEVER put up with in another relationship because I said I would "deal" with his BPD.  My problem is I still love the guy and yearn for him desperately.  It is like i'm addicted to him.  I just can't figure it out.  But you made me realize I'm acting the same way out of the relationship that I acted in the relationship.  That didn't get me anywhere and I don't need to do that anymore.  I guess I am afraid he'd say F you and I'd lose him completely.  (Not like he hasn't said that before.)  But I've already lost him.  And as nuts about him as I am I would not go back to him.  I know I can't do that.  I cannot go through this again. 

[Ittookthislong]

I hear you. I still miss my ex desperately too. Just because he may say F off doesnt mean that it wont register. he may never show you but he will notuce if you start to feel empowered, and confident enough to leave the relationship behind. let that motivate you at first maybe, then as time goes and you have seen how strong you are, your self esteem will too, and you will get to a place where you dont yearn for him anymore. Once you see you deserve better, you will open your eyes to better.

I go in and out of wanting my ex. some days are harder than others, but i can say i am proud of myself for resisting, showing self discipline, and am beginning to understand that loving yourself means first and foremost not letting yourself be in situations that harm you, even if a part of you wants to.

Im glad you took to that message ok, i felt bad about five seconds after posting it. but i know i struggle with learning to be stronger too, and to not accept unacceptable behavior. take a bubble bath, relax and spoil yourself. this is one of the worst struggles youll come across, and you are doing great, you are here expressing and working out your issues. your gonna be good i know it