Almost 2 years NC, and tonight an email from her (what to do)

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi All,

Some of you will remember my story. Long story short, I had a one year relationship with someone I diagnosed   with BPD based on what I saw and what I've learned. I don't know what she had or has, but I know it was a toxic destructive relationship, with so much craziness that it boggles the mind.

Two years ago I had enough and cut her off on all fronts. About six months later I bumped into her briefly, and since then, no contact whatsoever.

It's taken me almost this long (two years) to heal and begin to feel ready and open to dating again, which has felt like little short of a miracle. I'm sure you can all relate when I tell you I was gutted to the core and almost thought I'd die of heartache and grief and the craziness and all that awesome stuff. 

So tonight I get a short email from her, apologizing for her behavior in the relationship and wishing me the best. According to her (and to what she told me when I bumped into her 1.5 years ago), she was a drunk then, and now she's sober and better, and that was the reason for the madness. Okay, I suppose it's possible, but whatever. It doesn't matter anyway.

I have two options. One, do nothing and don't respond. The good thing about this is that I wouldn't open up any channels of communication between us, which is how I want it. I don't want to be in touch with her anymore. Being friends is out of the question. The bad thing is that it might weigh on me that I didn't send a simple response to her.

The other option is that I send a brief email back, thanking her and wishing her well. This might have the effect of being a 'closure' like situation, something I thought I would NEVER get. To be honest, though,  I don't really need closure from her anymore. It's neither here nor there, I think. I don't know, if I write back maybe she'll write again, and then I'll have to say sorry, I don't want to be in touch anymore, blah blah. And that will be awkward.

There is no danger of my being dragged back into the Hell that was a relationship with her, do not worry. I don't want to open up old wounds, though. I've worked SO long and hard to heal from this. I mean, forever it seems. And just lately I've felt good enough to want to date again.

Is there any really good reason why I shouldn't just send a brief email to her, saying thanks, good wishes to you, be well?

Thanks awesome people here. 

[Ittookthislong]

maybe a brief letter saying you appreciate her apology and hope she is well, then mention that it is in the past and she doesn't need to worry about it anymore, but maybe say because it is in the past and you both are in different places now youd prefer not to continue to communicate. whatever you say, say it sincerely though because its a big step for her to take to admit her faults, and she shouldn't have to feel rejected for manning up and saying sorry. be kind.

[GreenMango]

Tough one.  If you aren't vulnerable a simple " I appreciate the apology.  Thank you.". And leave it at that could be enough.

Then there's always a chance this could stir up junk too.

Whatcha want to do?

Ps welcome back 

[patientandclear]

Hi SBS!  So good to hear from you.  Interesting news.

I agree that responding is the kinder thing and the thing you will not ultimately regret.  I would worry you would regret giving the cold shoulder, as it is not true to who are are.  This note from here, taken at face value, is very decent.  Not enough to shift what you want, need, remember, understand ... . but the most decent thing in all this time.  So, acknowledging it seems good.

I think being super brief, if warm and appreciative, is the ticket, if you don't want to invite more.  Most people will get the message.  pwBPD are super sensitive to rejection, so if your message is tight ("thanks very much.  I appreciate this.  I do wish you the best and hope all goes well for you", it should be clear you are not opening the door. Should that need clarification, you can always explain your wishes in the next round.

xxoo

P&C

[eeyore]

In thinking ahead.  If you send a short & simple reply, what happens if you then get another reply back to you.  What if she then trys to open a real dialogue?  To me that's really the question you should ask yourself.  It's highly probable that will happen. 

If you can then say I really appreciate your update and apology.  I meant it when I said I hope you are well. I do not wish for further dialogue. 

Something to that effect. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Slowlybutsurely,

Welcome back, I remember your posts.  I was in a very similar situation (contact from pwBPD after over a year of NC) a few months ago, and asked the same question you did.   I wanted to send a simple "thank you," too, but ultimately didn't.  I think the reason was that in my case, pwBPD contacted me in an indirect way, didn't apologize for his behavior or acknowledge the hurt that it caused, and stated that he does want "something" with me.  So, you can see why I didn't go there.

If I had received an email like the one you did, I would have sent a sincere thank you and wished him well.  I think it is the kind thing to do.  If you do that, and afterwards she tries to re-engage, you simple don't have to.

Best wishes,

heartandwhole

[blurry]

There is no sincerity whatsoever from someone with BPD, that might as well be an automated message you just got, instead of from a real person. I've been I'm a similar position and its always sucked me back in after I thought I had my mind made up. Delete it and move on, granted I never listen to my own advice, or anyone elses.

She's probably in survival mode right now and testing the waters for a recycle and that's a door I wouldn't even slightly open. There's no practical reason to respond if your mind is truely made up. You just got validation from her by way of her apology and asking for any more than that isn't necessary because you can't believe most of what they say anyway.

I pray mine wakes up one day in bed one day with some guy she doesn't love and it hits her hard what she did to me and what she threw away. But who really knows what they ever truely thought.

[Aussie0zborn]

You took two years to heal from a one year relationship? That makes me wonder how long I will need to heal after a seven year relationship where for the first five years I had no idea why the craziness was happening.

I wouldn't be replying. You sound like a nice guy and I see her fishing. If you take the bait there will be a reply and then you will have to deal with her again. Worst case scenario... . She stalks you, threatens suicide, turns your life upside down, even briefly and then you will need to get over that.

I don't mean to sound cruel but you don't know where she's at so why go there? If you did the right thing by her in the relationship then not replying shouldn't weigh on you at all.

[Newton]

Hmmm I'm concerned a reply might be satisfying your feelings of obligation... . to do the "decent" thing by responding (or alternatively avoiding the judgement of appearing rude or insensitive by staying silent)... .

You wrote (re: ignoring the message)... . "I wouldn't open up any channels of communication between us, which is how I want it".

and... . "I don't want to be in touch with her".

These are perfectly reasonable desires you have... . and yet it seems there is also perhaps conflict with wanting to appear like a "good" person? (and thus send a brief ackowledgement of the email?)... .

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thank you so much for your comments.     This board was my lifeline for so long.

I really appreciate all the perspectives you've given me. I decided to (and just did) send her a brief but kind and affirmative email in reply. Nothing that would invite further conversation, but all very nice. It would have weighed on me not to respond. When I cut off contact, I blocked her from all accounts, and at the time, that was the perfect thing to do. Now, two years later, I feel much stronger, and I want to end things with her (for me they are ended, but she may still have some loose ends to tie up, which wouldn't be surprising, given how badly she behaved with me) on a positive note and on a note of closure. Maybe this exchange will help me to let go of any remaining anger and resentment that I still have (I still have quite a bit, alas). If she writes again, I'll make sure not to let it continue.

I learned so much from this relationship, and I have changed so much, mostly in positive ways. I know that once I am seriously dating or in a relationship again, I'll have to work through things that still linger from the relationship with the BPD ex, as it affected me profoundly in not so pleasant ways.

At this point, I am excited about meeting an amazing person down the road, and having a healthy happy relationship for the first time in my life. It is so good to feel healed and open to love again. Just because it took me this long (two years after a one year relationship) doesn't mean it will take that long for everyone, so not to worry. My relationship with the BPD opened up things in me that I didn't even know were there, things that I've carried with me my whole life that had nothing to do with the ex. Healing has meant going very deep inside and gaining clarity and resolution on things I may never have known even existed. I don't know that I'd say the relationship was "worth it," given all the pain, but these days I am feeling happy and healthy and open to love in a way that I never have before in my life. And I have worked on so many things in myself, that in some ways, I am really a new person. So, I am thankful for these things.

And I'm thankful for all of you and for this board. There are so many wise people here, with huge giving hearts. I love you all!  If you are hurting or in the throes of misery and heartache and confusion, I promise you it will get better, and you will be healed some day. I promise!    

[mcc503764]

Hi All,


I have two options. One, do nothing and don't respond. The good thing about this is that I wouldn't open up any channels of communication between us, which is how I want it. I don't want to be in touch with her anymore. Being friends is out of the question. The bad thing is that it might weigh on me that I didn't send a simple response to her.

I understand your struggle with this one, but it would appear that you have answered your own question with this one?

If you truly don't want any channels of communication between the two of you, then WHY would you be entertaining this thought?

What do you owe her?  What does SHE need?  Is she on a rebound and needs soothing or validation that she is a good person?

Why do you owe her the courtesy of a response?  You've lasted this long without contact, so what purpose would this serve now?

I think personally that this would do nothing more than stir up old feelings and thoughts and would set you back... .

I cannot see anything positive coming from responding to her... . the past is the past and that is where it needs to stay!

Responding is opening the door for more potential pain... . We see it as being kind and attaining closure, while they will see it as an opportunity to get something... . THAT'S REALITY!

Trust me... . you send the best message by sending NOTHING at all!

Let me ask you this... . do you think that she has posted over 300x on a message board trying to make sense of the emotional mack truck that ran her over?  I wouldn't think so either!

MCC

[mcc503764]

There is no sincerity whatsoever from someone with BPD, that might as well be an automated message you just got, instead of from a real person.

She's probably in survival mode right now and testing the waters for a recycle and that's a door I wouldn't even slightly open. There's no practical reason to respond if your mind is truely made up. You just got validation from her by way of her apology and asking for any more than that isn't necessary because you can't believe most of what they say anyway.

I pray mine wakes up one day in bed one day with some guy she doesn't love and it hits her hard what she did to me and what she threw away. But who really knows what they ever truely thought.

AMEN TO THAT!   

[Ironmanrises]

Do not reply.

At all.

Stay NC.

It will only lead to you being hurt in the end.

That is the one outcome to any re-engagement that is successful in its attempt.

You will be hurt in the end.

Far worse then before.

That is what happened to me after I allowed my exUBPDgf back into my life.

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi MCC  and Ironman,  

Thank you for your empathy and compassion.

I totally hear you.    I went through Hell with her and with the breakup. I noticed today that I spent over 6 full DAYS on this site, trying to deal with it all and heal.

For me now, after two years NC, I'm in a different place. I still have anger and hurt and resentment, and maybe I always will. But I was always the 'bigger' person with her, and I usually am with everyone I know. I can't be mean and be okay with it, and for me, being mean would have not to replied to her (I did this morning--I wrote about it a few posts up). What is want is total and complete closure, or at least as much as is possible with her. And maybe this final (hopefully, and if not, I will make it clear that I don't want more contact) exchange will help on this path.

I won't get roped back into an emotional or otherwise entanglement with her. No way I'd ever go down that road again.

A relationship with a (I think) BPD person leaves such a giant train wreck of emotions, in my experience. Perhaps a simple thank you and you are welcome take care kind of thing  will help to end what is ended. I hope so. I'll let you know if she contacts me again. In a way, I expect her to, to be honest. I don't trust her, and I never will. My guess is that she is having a hard time, or saw me out and about, and felt badly/sad and just wanted to reconnect. That's fine with me, because she isn't my problem anymore. I won't get sucked back in, I promise.

Take good care.  

[delgato]

If she writes again, I'll make sure not to let it continue.

Good.

I understand why you wrote her back once. But leave it at that.


If you continue with it, I don't believe anything good will come out of it.

[Suzn]

Good for you Slowlybutsurely for feeling you have detached emotionally and have satisfied yourself with your reply to your ex. You're right there will probably be more. It sounds though like you have a handle on it.

If you truly don't want any channels of communication between the two of you, then WHY would you be entertaining this thought?

Why do you owe her the courtesy of a response?  You've lasted this long without contact, so what purpose would this serve now?

I think personally that this would do nothing more than stir up old feelings and thoughts and would set you back... .

I cannot see anything positive coming from responding to her... . the past is the past and that is where it needs to stay!

MCC there is a difference in holding on to NC forever and being detached. NC isn't designed to be forever, though many of us have held on to this. That's ok, sometimes there are good reasons to do so.

NC is set up primarily for us to gain an emotional foothold... . for our own out of control emotions. We've all been there.

One really positive thing coming from responding would be knowing you have reached that detachment emotionally, that you are able to enforce, with kindness, your own boundaries knowing what you will do for self preservation. This could be viewed as sort of an affirmation of personal growth.

Wishing you the best Slowlybutsurely. 

[seeking balance]

slowlybutsurely - it is good to see how you far you have come.  The ability to choose detached kindness, but maintain strong boundaries can only come with doing the hard, core work on rebuilding self.

Good Job 

SB

[jollygreen]

I think this email is closure enough. An apology and reason/excuse is given for treating you badly. Even though you know it's really BPD. If you send an email reply back it opens the door and possible wounds. If she does not reply back to your email ever will you be okay with that? If she does initiate more in the future are you okay with that?

My ex BPDgf before we met was an alcoholic, smoked cigarettes, and pot. On her own accord she said she would never do those things ever again because they made her a horrible person. At the end of our almost three year relationship she did all of those things again regularly. Just food for thought.

[mcc503764]

MCC there is a difference in holding on to NC forever and being detached. NC isn't designed to be forever, though many of us have held on to this. That's ok, sometimes there are good reasons to do so.

NC is set up primarily for us to gain an emotional foothold... . for our own out of control emotions. We've all been there.

I understand the difference and purpose of NC.  NC is no contact, get your emotional foothold, regain your perspective.

But once this is done and you realize that the person is unhealthy for you in many ways, what purpose would it serve you to have any contact with them again?

We have established that they are liars and manipulators and that w cannot trust them.  They didn't respect us.  Why would we need to have that drama and BS enter our lives again?

Your statement is rather contradictory, as why, in our right minds would we ever stick our hands back in the fire again?

Please explain?

MCC

[Surnia]

Hi Slowlybutsurely

Yes, I remember you too! 

I am glad you could find your way to healing and could handle this email well, I like the expression from SB: detached kindness.

[Suzn]

MCC I would love to discuss this with you. If you will start a new thread I will be happy to explain in more detail. 

[Newton]

I am struggling with this concept... .

We often talk here about the negativity of "hooks" thrown out by our ex's... . we also have the knowledge that they will often see a response from us as an open door for more communication... .

If we are now more emotionally balanced and settled... . how could a response be deemed as "kind"... .

It seems, if anything, a little self indulgent... . and an attempt at self validation with them as the fall guy/girl (if no follow up conversation is the plan)... .

[delgato]

... . what purpose would it serve you to have any contact with them again?

As was mentioned, some sense of closure is usually desired by most non's. Will anybody get it from a pwBPD, at least in the traditional sense? Doubtful. But it can be a form of closure, satisfying the non "enough."

I also think it's just human nature for most normal people not wanting to leave things on a bad/ugly note with other people. Not saying it has to be on a good note, but more of a neutral thing.

I think it just boils down to basic human decency, civility, good karma & an overall sense of emotional/psychological stability & well-being for the rest of their lives.


Personally, in the past I've reached out sometimes after certain situations with others. I'm glad I did, at least for my own peace of mind. Doesn't mean the relationship with the person was rekindled (and for the times it was, it was usually probably a mistake, LOL).

[Slowlybutsurely]

Thanks, All. 

MCC, about your question regarding NC, I want to try to explain how it is for me.

When I first broke up, I needed NC. It was the only thing that could have saved me at the time. I cut her off cold, blocked her from everything, and had a NC wall around me. I did this for one year, and then unblocked her from my phone and email, because at that point, it felt like it was taking an emotional effort and toll on me to continue with NC. I had healed quite a bit at that point, and didn't feel I needed to keep up the blocks, though I hoped she wouldn't attempt contact. And she didn't, not until yesterday, which is a year after I lifted NC. And the beauty of it is that though I first freaked out when I saw her name in my inbox (you can imagine... . ), and felt anger and hurt, etc, by the next morning (today) I woke up and thought, 'it's not a big deal that she's emailed. whatever. no biggy."  I have come a long long long way, and it feels good and liberating to have this final hurdle behind me--being able to be in touch without feeling devastated and hurt and wanting more. It shows me that I am truly healed.  I didn't need NC anymore. With that said, though, I don't plan to be in touch with her again. I don't want to or intend to be in contact with her, but I don't need walls around me to ensure that this is the case. I'm beyond her powers over me, and it's a good feeling.

[mcc503764]

Thanks, All. 

MCC, about your question regarding NC, I want to try to explain how it is for me.

When I first broke up, I needed NC. It was the only thing that could have saved me at the time. I cut her off cold, blocked her from everything, and had a NC wall around me. I did this for one year, and then unblocked her from my phone and email, because at that point, it felt like it was taking an emotional effort and toll on me to continue with NC. I had healed quite a bit at that point, and didn't feel I needed to keep up the blocks, though I hoped she wouldn't attempt contact. And she didn't, not until yesterday, which is a year after I lifted NC. And the beauty of it is that though I first freaked out when I saw her name in my inbox (you can imagine... . ), and felt anger and hurt, etc, by the next morning (today) I woke up and thought, 'it's not a big deal that she's emailed. whatever. no biggy."  I have come a long long long way, and it feels good and liberating to have this final hurdle behind me--being able to be in touch without feeling devastated and hurt and wanting more. It shows me that I am truly healed.  I didn't need NC anymore. With that said, though, I don't plan to be in touch with her again. I don't want to or intend to be in contact with her, but I don't need walls around me to ensure that this is the case. I'm beyond her powers over me, and it's a good feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I understand it.  I guess that when I get to the point in my life where I am "done" with someone I AM DONE.  With my x for example, I tried multiple times with her, countless recycles... . I tried to trust her, I tried as much as I could.  She's hurt me too many times to risk anything else... . this includes "kindness."

But she still continued to lie, manipulate, and triangulate me with others.  I got sick of being the doormat.

She wasn't going to walk over me again!  I could care less about how this comes across to her... . after the things that she did to me and my family, I am perfectly fine with staying NC!  I don't need to be "kind," as she would just view it as an opportunity to manipulate into something that she needed... .

I know where she stands in my life.  I know what I will / wont tolerate in my life.  I know that I have healed and am continuing to do so.  What I am saying is that for my own sake, I cannot give her the opportunity to be "kind," as she would just simply see this as a weakness in my and use it against me in some manner... .

I understand about the "emotional effort" involved in this and I understand how exhausting it is.  BUT I also understand the risk that's involved sending the silent message to her that her behavior was acceptable to me?  I don't think so... .

"forgive and forget" is one thing if you remain on decent terms with your x, but MY reality is that she is dead to me... . that's MY way of protecting MYSELF!

MCC 

[peas]

I'm with MCC on this one. Not responding to your BPDex in the first place is totally fine in my book. I think you can still heal, let go, detach if you never responded to her apology note. You owe her nothing. You are done with her. And that means you can read her note, save it, trash it, whatever, but it doesn't require a response.

I am speaking from a place where it was done to me. A guy I liked a lot, wasn't crazy in love with, but we had met briefly years ago and were attracted and we had an on-off, long-distance connection. Naughty Skype, sexting, etc.

We met up again a couple years ago. Things didn't take off between us. There was no real romance. But we liked each other a lot. Anyway, we somehow got pissed at each other. He ended up in a serious r/s. I met my BPDex. But he cut me off cold. I still wanted to be his friend. I tried calling, Facebook messaging, texting, for a couple months. But he went totally NC.

The thing is, it bothered me at first but then I let it go. I was at first insulted he didn't respond to my outreach. But then I thought, if that's what he wants, fine. I respect his decision. It was pretty easy to move on. Every now and then I think, why won't he respond to me? But I don't dwell on it and I don't feel bad. 

It would probably be different with the BPDex. I had way stronger feelings for him than my casual friend. BPDex and I are NC and I have no intention of breaking it.

[seeking balance]

This is key:

I have come a long long long way, and it feels good and liberating to have this final hurdle behind me--being able to be in touch without feeling devastated and hurt and wanting more. It shows me that I am truly healed.  I didn't need NC anymore. With that said, though, I don't plan to be in touch with her again. I don't want to or intend to be in contact with her, but I don't need walls around me to ensure that this is the case. I'm beyond her powers over me, and it's a good feeling.

Think of this as a master class in BPD Detachment once we have detached:

IF we are truly detached, using SET to validate the emotional response if our BPD reached out with an aplogy - this is not harmful any longer.  As long as we are clear in our boundaries, a simple validation of the apology doesn't hurt.

We cannot control others, only our own boundaries - so a next communication is likely not an apology, but the hook - this is where Not Responding or very bland response followed with DEARMAN of clearly describing the boundaries is actually more important.

NC is to let us heal up the wounds - not necessarily a fortress if we have changed and healed.

This leads to our CORE VALUES:

What is the "right" thing - but for me?  MY personal values for me as a human are to acknowledge and forgive - I do this not just with BPD, but anyone because it is a core value of who I am as a person.  If my ex apologized now, I would acknowledge the apology because it is about me and my core values - not for her.  Those struggling, can you see the difference?

The same values in ourselves that we like, that which was manipulated against us - are also traits that I do like in myself... . learning how to nurture and protect them is key - at least for me.

It is once we have detached and forgiven can we now align our core values of self with boundaries... . not all core values are the same - and that is absolutely 100% ok.  Everything has its time and place.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Slowlybutsurely, 

I remember enjoying reading your posts.  It's great to hear you've made such progress.  You were in a lot of pain, as we all have been. 

I would've done the same thing by acknowledging the amends.  I know that's what I would want for someone to do with me if I was the one making amends. 

If she continues to contact you, simply restate with kindness what you've already told us, that you prefer not to communicate with her and wish her the best.

[struggli]

This is key:

I have come a long long long way, and it feels good and liberating to have this final hurdle behind me--being able to be in touch without feeling devastated and hurt and wanting more. It shows me that I am truly healed.  I didn't need NC anymore. With that said, though, I don't plan to be in touch with her again. I don't want to or intend to be in contact with her, but I don't need walls around me to ensure that this is the case. I'm beyond her powers over me, and it's a good feeling.

Think of this as a master class in BPD Detachment once we have detached:

IF we are truly detached, using SET to validate the emotional response if our BPD reached out with an aplogy - this is not harmful any longer.  As long as we are clear in our boundaries, a simple validation of the apology doesn't hurt.

We cannot control others, only our own boundaries - so a next communication is likely not an apology, but the hook - this is where Not Responding or very bland response followed with DEARMAN of clearly describing the boundaries is actually more important.

NC is to let us heal up the wounds - not necessarily a fortress if we have changed and healed.

This leads to our CORE VALUES:

What is the "right" thing - but for me?  MY personal values for me as a human are to acknowledge and forgive - I do this not just with BPD, but anyone because it is a core value of who I am as a person.  If my ex apologized now, I would acknowledge the apology because it is about me and my core values - not for her.  Those struggling, can you see the difference?

The same values in ourselves that we like, that which was manipulated against us - are also traits that I do like in myself... . learning how to nurture and protect them is key - at least for me.

It is once we have detached and forgiven can we now align our core values of self with boundaries... . not all core values are the same - and that is absolutely 100% ok.  Everything has its time and place.

My core value is not to implement NC when someone seems to be extending a hand, no matter how subtle it may be.  It seems cruel to me.  But against my inclination, gut feeling, what feels natural for me, I have forced myself to ignore multiple texts from my ex.

Now, these texts didn't say "struggli, I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I want to make things better, I want you back".  But they were perhaps a window into opening dialogue that could have led somewhere.  Where?  I don't know.  Maybe just another sh-tty recycle.

So against what feels like my nature, I have forced myself to not respond to such things.  Call them hooks if you will.  I don't know.  I'm not trying to hijack this thread, but I am wondering how your suggestion of going with one's inner nature/core values would apply to those of us who have a rather difficult time implementing NC.

Sometimes we have to deny what feels right to us in order to save ourselves, don't we?  Or are you suggesting following one's core is only "safe" when one has completely detached?

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Struggli,

Let me try to explain where I'm coming from with this, though others can explain what they mean about core values, etc.

Until recently, I would not have responded to any contact from my ex, because it would have caused me pain, and I would have worried that I'd get sucked back in. It's only because I have finally and completely detached from her that my 'nice' nature could override my need to preserve myself and respond to her email. And only one response, keep in mind. If she contacts me again (hasn't yet) it will be a different story. I'm not going to be her friend, nurse, therapist, sounding board. Nothing. I owe her nothing. It felt good to be able to respond to her email nicely, though, because it came at no personal cost, and it didnt make me sad or threatened or fearful she'd try to reengage. Even if she does, it will be useless. Remember that I cut her off cold for over a year. She tried calling from alternative numbers, emailing, etc, and I had no qualms ignoring her completely. I needed to, for my own sake. And if I were in the position where I still needed to, I'd had no qualms about it at all. From here on out where she is concerned, it's all about Me, and responding to her email politely made ME feel good, and it feels good to be able to be 'nice' to her, from a safe distance. 

Hope this helps.