An epiphany at week 5

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys,

I just wanted to share something that I realized about my own issue with boundaries. Once I really came to this, it made some sense of the boundary-breaking that ensued.

When I met my uBPD-exGF, we had both been through major breakups within a couple of months prior. First personal boundary broken: we got physically intimate in the very beginning.  We were basically friends with benefits for the first month. (I now know that this is something I will never do again, with anyone!) It didn’t take long for me to see that I wanted more, and she certainly had no trouble seeing this. From here on, she continued to thrust herself onto boundaries. It’s as though she knew exactly which ones I had let down!

Within a couple of weeks after meeting, she asked me if I’d ever consider having something more with her. And yes, I did. The connection felt so strong, I really couldn’t resist letting my guard down to open heart for this girl. I mean, my hands would literally shake within two hours after she’d leave to go home red flag. I realize now that that was yet another boundary pushed. I may have been (cringe) eager to get into a relationship, but I didn’t put up the boundary for myself to really exercise.

From there, she went on to texting me to tell me she was nearby at a bar. She’d make it a point that she was close, but wouldn’t tell me where. If I’d ask to see her, she’d mysteriously withdraw from the conversation, then text an hour later with a wink, adding something like, “I’m with a friend ”. And that was the beginning of our push and pull. And from there, things continued to spin until it was: “I’ve never been so in love…" AND ”You’re the reason my self-esteem is so LOW! I can’t have this anymore!”.  

I've been thinking about this stuff, nonstop. I want to make it clear here that I have absolutely no desire to have her back in my life. I guess I'm thinking about all of this with the intention of recognizing the how/what/where/why of making myself so vulnerable to this kind of relationship. I’m about to start a thread in Personal Inventory on core/childhood stuff.

Any thoughts or insights on boundaries that you’ve experienced? Please share! Thanks.

deretour

[DeRetour]

Hey guys,

I just wanted to share something that I realized about my own issue with boundaries. Once I really came to this, it made some sense of the boundary-breaking that ensued.

When I met my uBPD-exGF, we had both been through major breakups within a couple of months prior. First personal boundary broken: we got physically intimate in the very beginning.  We were basically friends with benefits for the first month. (I now know that this is something I will never do again, with anyone!) It didn’t take long for me to see that I wanted more, and she certainly had no trouble seeing this. From here on, she continued to thrust herself onto boundaries. It’s as though she knew exactly which ones I had let down!

Within a couple of weeks after meeting, she asked me if I’d ever consider having something more with her. And yes, I did. The connection felt so strong, I really couldn’t resist letting my guard down to open heart for this girl. I mean, my hands would literally shake within two hours after she’d leave to go home red flag. I realize now that that was yet another boundary pushed. I may have been (cringe) eager to get into a relationship, but I didn’t put up the boundary for myself to really exercise.

From there, she went on to texting me to tell me she was nearby at a bar. She’d make it a point that she was close, but wouldn’t tell me where. If I’d ask to see her, she’d mysteriously withdraw from the conversation, then text an hour later with a wink, adding something like, “I’m with a friend ”. And that was the beginning of our push and pull. And from there, things continued to spin until it was: “I’ve never been so in love…" AND ”You’re the reason my self-esteem is so LOW! I can’t have this anymore!”.  

I've been thinking about this stuff, nonstop. I want to make it clear here that I have absolutely no desire to have her back in my life. I guess I'm thinking about all of this with the intention of recognizing the how/what/where/why of making myself so vulnerable to this kind of relationship. I’m about to start a thread in Personal Inventory on core/childhood stuff.

Any thoughts or insights on boundaries that you’ve experienced? Please share! Thanks.

deretour

[rollercoaster24]

Hi DeRetour

Hmmm Boundaries.

My exuBP stepped over every single boundary I had, and tried to put in place, yet expected me to respect all of his always.

I said no more name calling and abuse between us. No more arguing. He ignored that, and any effort I made to resolve things, or stop instigating fights.

He had no problem at all with stealing, (and justifying himself as a desperate man at times). He justified every crappy thing he did to people, and most of all, me.

He had no problem at all about snooping through other peoples stuff, (personal papers, rubbish bins, houses, computers, jobs, lives), yet fancied himself as an upstanding honest citizen.

He refused my need for sleep and ignored my boundaries about doing so.

He refused my need to take time out or space, (despite my telling him that this was necessary for our relationship not to suffer or ourselves during moments of conflict/issues arising. I had to keep repeating myself, because of his rages/denigrations/painting black/projecting but was continually ignored.

He would continue to provoke me, until often I couldn't stand it any longer. And he often won too, (which always made him happy, since he could then turn on me and call me the abuser. The mere fact that I was placed under extreme duress every time he won in provoking me, I still feel bad about it, like he won, and it's all my fault it didn't work out.

This is a person that will instigate physical violence with people, then turn around and cry assault when/if he gets hit. The reason I know this? because he did it often with my family/friends. The mere fact that he was picking on people 20 years younger? I guess that never registered to him...

He refused to respect my workplace and identity at work. One of my boundaries was that I would refuse to discuss aspects of our relationship at work, and I also said that if he was angry or upset with me, (again) he was not to come to my work place to discuss his emotions. I said he was welcome at my workplace in general, just not to come there when he was upset. He ignored this boundary from the start.

I said he was not to steal from any of my workplaces, (I am a contractor so have access alone outside working hours). He ignored this at one site, and continued to steal every single time I took him there. I did not realise until I finished working on that site, and he owned up to it a long time later.

I told him not to denigrate people I knew and was close to, he ignored me, and continued to do this every week, often for several days in a row.

I told him I did not want to listen to the same denigrating stories about his parents any longer. I said I had well validated his feelings as often as I could, and that I am sure he had the ability to deal with his issues with them himself. He ignored me, and continued to denigrate them both 4 days every week for 16 months.

Before that, when he lived at mine for the first two years, (initially as a free boarder and friend for a month or so) he found new targets for his rages and projections, basically anybody in my life was free range for him, and justifications for the terrible way he treated me. No respect at all actually.

I refused to play his game mostly, and said that if he refused to take time out for a while, then he would have to leave my house for the time being. He never respected this, and blamed me for kicking him out every week.

But I had no choice. He would refuse to leave me alone, I would have been under permanent attack otherwise, and him calming down for a while? he would simply come back and amp up the abuse.

He refused to respect my financial boundaries, once buying a 2nd vehicle, (for a project) that he could not afford, (without telling me) and proceeded to lean on me even harder during the 5 months he paid it off, all the while continuing to abuse me and treat me badly.

He never paid one cent of rent the whole time he lived with me.

He never helped with anything consistently, nor did he contribute anything consistently.

His efforts were totally unreliable, as were his emotions and feelings for me. Maddening.

I said No more abusive language describing people close to me/us or me.

I said No more damage to my property, or physical threats or violence, he ignored this too, and kept justifying treating me like crap. But I wasn't allowed to be hurt, and I wasn't allowed to be angry that he had destroyed my things, or hurt me. I was supposed to accept his crappy apology, and never mention these incidents again, yet he brought up every mistake that had ever been done to him at any opportunity when painting us black and whenever he felt like it too.

He ignored this, yet expected me to act like a saint the whole time, with no right to my own feelings/anger/expression of the pain he was inflicting on me.

I said no more public humiliations, screaming abuse at me, he ignored that, and amped them up thereafter.

He ignored my work and expected me to answer my mobile whenever he called it. If I didn't, I was 'cheating again'.

Yet he hadn't worked for 5 years! and thought nothing of rubbing in my face how much money he would be making if he went back to working in his profession, (which he supposedly hates).

Think how I felt, working 3 jobs for the whole time I knew him, whilst he thought nothing of taking my money, immediately resenting that I had it, and then blabbering on about how responsible he is with money and always has been. Yea right!

Sorry for woffling on about this subject, but arghhhh, boundaries! That's all I can say about it!

[DeRetour]

Rollercoaster,

Oh, wow. Now that just sounds like it must have been exhausting for you. My goodness, so sorry that you endured that, Rollercoaster.

You brought up stealing? I never mentioned this in a previous thread, but one Sunday evening, my uBPD-exGF and I met for dinner. I had dropped my wallet as I went to pay, and from out of my billfold a 20 dropped. The cashier was asking me a question and, I'm pretty sure I remember her picking up the bill before I could reach down fast enough, and quickly pocketing it. Honestly, it could have been a single and I would have been just as upset. This would have been yet another indicator of her ability to lie or justify as needed. Agghhh... . it's good to have her out of my life.

But really, for each instance of pushing a boundary, there were always situations where a boundary was lacking. And my ex had a real talent for finding those little opportunities and loopholes in agreements.

Well, here's to working on personal boundaries. Thank you for sharing your experience, Rollercoaster.

[rollercoaster24]

Thanks DeRetour

Yes, here's to working on personal boundaries, and thanks for sharing your experience too. I'm sorry also that you had to go through the same pain yourself.

You know, I often wished I had never met BP. The experience might have changed me for the better in some ways, but I was already well aware of the lessons he tried to teach me anyway, and I didn't need to learn them all over again, only to have it end up the same way!

I feel like I was conned all over again, the story of my life.