Digressing

[Awakecj]

I've been doing my best to stay strong in this difficult situation but I feel like I'm digressing. It was bad enough being in a relationship where I was devalued, blamed, shamed, etc. but finding evidence of him cheating is what keeps dragging me backwards. When I found the postcards from another woman over 1.5 years ago I had already decided I had to get out of our 30+ year marriage. I came to the point where I knew if I didn't, I would be destroyed and finding the postcards really kept me from going back. Honestly if I had not found them, I would probably have gone back with him.

Although I try to maintain no contact, recently at our son's birthday party I allowed him into my head again by talking with him. We had a conversation where he seemed sincere in his regrets and admitted during our marriage there was "cheating and cheating". He is a recovering alcoholic and keeps repeating that he is making amends but what I think he was doing was trying to relieve himself of guilt - to heck with how it affected me. I now know he was cheating the entire marriage and it is killing me inside.

My digression consists of continually replaying our life together with the realization that he was cheating the entire time.  I'm so angry and I'm so unbelievably hurt. The physical pain associated with this truth is so unbearable, crying is the only relief, yet opening the space to cry increases the thoughts and the hurt. 

My goal when I first started visiting this site was to not take what he has done personally, after all he is supposed to be ill but I'm unable to hold that perception. I'm taking the cheating very personally, he was my husband, the person I trusted and he made choices and he betrayed me so much. I'm unable to take the personal out of what he's done - I'm not willing to excuse his behavior because he is ill. Is he really ill or is he just a crappy person? I want to expose him, tell our adult children, tell the world but of course I can't, I won't and that feels so unfair and just adds to the hurt.

[Surnia]

Hi Awakecj

A big big 

Realizing about continuous cheating is very hard and it hurts. This is okay. Its okay to be angry and thinking about fairness.

30 year married is a very long time. you need time and patience to heal. Do you have a T helping you through it?

We are here for you, Awakecj.

[Awakecj]

Thank you Surnia. I do have a T and she has told me that I should be easy on myself, it will take time to process and heal from this information. I understand her point but I am frustrated. I have worked so hard this past year and a half to break away, detach, whatever from H and right now it feels like I'm starting from scratch.

[Surnia]

In my experience healing goes in circles.

Sometimes we feel back to zero.   

It is not. These moments are difficult to accept.

It will get better. 

[Awakecj]

People tell me it will get better but I'm having a hard time believing that lately because I keep circling back to this grief. I'm so tired of crying and when I can finally break away from that, some little thing will stir up memories that cause me to wonder if he was cheating during that time. I just can't come to terms with it, it's unbelievable to me.

I want to move forward with my life and I don't want to move forward with my life, I'm confused. My family, and he was a part of it, was my entire focus. I've been trying to cope with accepting the "new" family, my kids, grandkids, and me and it hasn't seemed whole but I've been making the best of it. However, this new information has just sent me reeling.

Now I realize he had one foot out the door the entire time when I was so focused on maintaining the family and it's unbearable. I can't stop the visuals of him being with others, what he did, when he did it, what was going on in our life. How could he have done this to us? I don't want to wallow but it's just overwhelming, I can't snap out of it.

[Learning_curve74]

Awakecj, here is a big hug for you. 

You were married over 30 years, never having been married myself much less in any relationship for that long, I can only imagine the emotions you felt and are feeling now.

I don't really have any good advice, maybe only an observation. At the darkest lowest point of my life, the only thing I could do was just take it day to day, hour by hour, minute to minute. I can't pinpoint a particular moment when I realized I was out of the darkness and into the light, but I got here from there somehow. Awakecj, you have your own journey too, and to have survived in your marriage for so long, there is no doubt that you have the strength to make it now too. Good luck to you.

[Awakecj]

Awakecj, here is a big hug for you. 

At the darkest lowest point of my life, the only thing I could do was just take it day to day, hour by hour, minute to minute. I can't pinpoint a particular moment when I realized I was out of the darkness and into the light, but I got here from there somehow. Awakecj, you have your own journey too, and to have survived in your marriage for so long, there is no doubt that you have the strength to make it now too. Good luck to you.

Thank you learning_curve74. It is hard to imagine taking each day minute by minute because time already seems to drag when I'm down in the dredges or darkness. But it is good advice, I need to focus on getting through the minutes instead of replaying the past and worrying about the future which adds to my despair. Reminds me of Alanon meetings and recently I've been thinking about attending them again.

[nevaeh]

Hello awakecj... .

I have a uBPDh of 18 years who has cheated on me several times and it happened most of the first 10 years of our marriage, most of which were "cyber" affairs with the last being a physical and emotional affair with his commanding officer while they were stationed in Iraq.  I found out about his affair about 3 weeks after he returned home by using a keylogging software and then signing in to his email and finding the evidence I needed to out him.  It was a horrible time for us and it took many years (honestly, probably 5-6 years) for me to really "get over" the affair. 

I spent 3-4 years on an affair support forum similar to this and it was so incredibly helpful.  That website has disbanded unfortunately or I would refer you.  Anyway, dealing with the constant thoughts about the affair was a big subject, obviously one that a lot of people struggled with. 

I think part of recovery is simply time.  The other part was to learn how to try and "replace" your bad thoughts with something else.  For example when I would start thinking about the pictures that I (unfortunately) saw of the other woman's private parts, I would replace a picture of me punching her in the face (I know, not nice but it was what I really wanted to do).  It required a conscious effort to realize that the thought is coming in to your head and then replacing the thought with something else.

In your case, I'm not sure if you want to remember your marriage fondly or if you want to remember it in a negative way (so as to not "want" to go back to your H), but if you want to remember it positively and not focus on the fact that your H was cheating on you, then maybe you can replace those thoughts with memories from a fun vacation, or of your wedding day, or some kind of memory that has a happy connotation.  If you want negative, well, I'm sure you can come up with something to help... . H or affair partner getting hit by a car, remembering some of your H's rages or fights that you had to remind yourself that maybe the marriage wasn't great even despite the cheating.

H had his affair 8 years ago.  I am in the process of making plans to divorce (he does not know yet).  When I look back on our marriage, sure I remember the cheating as a negative thing that really tore into my self image.  However, now I see those incidents as just one piece to a larger puzzle.  The things that bother me more now are ALL of the rages my H has had and the horrible things he has said to me and our children.  I honestly don't care if my H has an affair now - how crazy wrong is that?  I don't spy on him like I used to (going through wallet, looking at computer history, etc) partly because he has gotten better at hiding his activities but also because I don't love him enough to care. 

It sounds like you are seeing a T, so hopefully that is helping.  You might also try finding a forum such as this where you can talk through some of the effects of his cheating on you.  That can be really helpful!

Good luck, stay strong, and BE HAPPY!